Was I overreacting about teenagers without transport home after drinking!?!

[Mumsytutu]

Morning,

I wanted to gather some perspective and others thoughts on something that isn’t sitting right with me. It’s actually really upset me but unsure if my moral compass is just a bit ‘stiff’ compared to other parents.

Last night my 14 (nearly 15) year old DS had 12 friends over in the garden for a few drinks (strict rules on no excessive drinking!!) I was struggling with the drinking part in the first place truth be told, then had a good think about what I was doing at 14! Drinking in the garden is definitely a much preferable option. (This isn’t the first garden party. he’s attended others, and has always proved himself responsible).

It was both boys and girls. We know the majority of the boys parents and they’re good kids, most came along with one or 2 ciders. Fine.

Evening was good (very noisy!) but we only have 1 neighbour so I had pre warned them and it was to be finished at 10pm, they were fine about it. The kids were fine. No dramas.

My DS confiscated some vodka from the girls to adhere to the no excessive drinking rules so I was comfortable that he was being responsible. For clarity, he had 2 ciders and the boys were mainly kicking a football around and having a giggle. Girls sat gossiping, all the usual sort of behaviour.

Boys and a couple of girls were collected by parents promptly and all was well.

That left 4 girls. About 10:30pm I went out to see what was going on as the girls had congregated on my drive, turns out they were waiting for * ‘s dad to send an Uber. We live in a village so whilst Ubers are possible, they are not super easy to get. I immediately offered them a lift home.
they refused and assured me an uber was on its way. I wouldn’t get my child an Uber personally, but each to their own.

I told them to come back inside and wait here. They used the loo before all disappearing (thanking me on the way out). I assumed their Uber had arrived.

My DS then gets a call to go to them. He disappears. I give him a few minutes and follow him to see what’s going on.

The girls are sat on the side of the road with one on the phone to her Dad asking for an Uber. (Clearly Uber has not been sorted!!). Another girl is on the phone to her mum and is clearly getting quite upset. I offer again to take them home. The ‘uber girl’ refuses on behalf of them all.

At this point, and as her dad is on loud speaker (Dad is away in a different city), I put my foot down and said I wasn’t happy they were sat on the side of the road with no transport home. I insist they let me drive them home. (Dad pipes up and tells her to “just get the lift home, she was supposed to be home for 10pm”) All the girls follow me back to my house and I take them home.

It then transpires that they were not all staying at ‘uber girls’ house (as I had assumed) and 2 of them were planning to then get a bus to another location. It’s now 11:15pm- I don’t think so!! Thankfully the buses have stopped running … so they’ll walk. We’re near the city, just no!! I insist they let me drive them and they agree. It was about a 7 minute drive!

Whats not sitting right with me (in case it isn’t obvious) is that at least 2 of the girls parents involved here have no idea their girls were just wondering around hoping to get an Uber home, if they knew they were even out! I would be furious if this was my child.
Why had no one arranged a lift with a parent and why did Uber Girls parents think this was all ok? I have no idea if Uber girls Mum was even home (apparently, she doesn’t care, this is she Dad her on the phone when he asked if she’d called her Mum). I know this is really non of my business, but it kind of is as I had to sort it out as I could not in good conscience just ‘leave them to it’.

I have a DD who is 10. This has really shocked me and certainly made me think. I would never let any of my children make their own way home after a party/ drinking etc. I’m really struggling to imagine any parent would if the knew the whole story!?

Am I being over sensitive here? Should I be doing something to talk to the parents (I would want to know, although hopefully wouldn’t ever put my child in this position)- I would rather not contact the parent, but should I be?…
Or is this usual behaviour and i’m just out of touch/ overprotective? I’m completely flabbergasted to be honest.

Would appreciate other parents thoughts, the friends I have spoken to (boy mums!) are also completely shocked.

Thanks for reading.

They were bringing alcohol whether I said yes or not.

So that's what all this is about?

You're simply allowing underage drinking in your garden because your son and his friends are ruling the roost.

And yet we're all supposed to agree 'Uber girl's' parents are the irresponsible ones?

I dread to think what sort of inherent right your 10 year old daughter is going to grow up with.

The idea of having children is that you parent them.

Not the other way round.

It wasn’t. I was asking if it was normal as I was being over sensitive. I haven’t patented a teenage girl (not yet, but I have a 10 year old girl).

turns out the whole things not normal!

lots to consider.

all the best x

My worry would be that if they are allowed 2 drinks now, before they’ve even started there GCSEs then what will be allowed next summer, and the summer after when they’ve finished GCSEs. The culture in the group is clearly get together = alcohol. They are teenagers, they will want to push the boundaries further. My DC range from 15 to late 20s. I’ve watched lots of teens grow up, and whilst there are no hard rules, in my experience the earlier they start, the further they go. I’ve also witnessed different parenting styles from the firm absolutely no drinking under my roof ever, to the super permissive whatever you want as long as you are honest with me. All my DC agree on one thing - no one is ever completely honest with their parents.
From me - my youngest is nearly 16 and about to start Y11 and I would not allow this. Next summer, once he’s 16, I would allow limited alcohol with friends. For now - he can have alcohol with us, but rarely does.

Well none of your parenting seems normal either to be fair.

If twelve 13 and 14 year olds turned up to my garden with alcohol when I'd explicitly said no, they'd be turned around and marched straight back out again.

None of this 'bringing it whether I said yes or not' business.

I have a 15 year old (year 10 going into year 11) and there is no way I’d allow this but I haven’t had to consider it because she’s never asked to drink in the first place! That said, I can understand that drinking at parties is probably more of a thing in year 10/11 despite it not being my personal experience with my child but year 9 going into year 10 is an absolute no no - some of these kids will only be 13! I also have a 12 year old and he’s very much still a little boy, the thought of him swigging cider and snogging in under a years time is totally ridiculous!

I always tried to steer my DCs away from the children whose parents so desperately wanted to be the 'cool parents'. It's mind boggling to me that you would allow a party like thisin.your garden/house. I was no angel at 14/15 but I certainly didn't facilitate that for my own DCs.

I wasn’t expecting it anytime soon so it has been tricky to navigate and here we are!

oh the snogging, I don’t want to see that again ever good god!! But yes. And a couple holding hands. It was a lot.

zero interest in anything like this until a few months ago and now we’re spraying aftershave and all sorts. Spending longer in the bathroom than I do!!

thanks for your comment.

I’m pretty chilled as a parent but 14?! My eldest didn’t touch a cider until the later months of being 16 about to turn 17. 14 is just a big no!

At 14, if you are holding a party where there will be alcohol you contact the parents in advance to tell them and check they are ok. You make it a pre-requisite of inviting someone that you have their parent's contact details and can speak to them in advance. When you speak to them in advance you also mention the difficulty of getting ubers and ask how they will be getting home.

Tell DS he can roll his eyes and talk about you disparagingly to his friends if they think this rule is stupid, so it doesn't rebound on him.

Tricky to navigate? You say ‘no alcohol, you’re 14’. That’s how you ‘navigate’ it. Party with alcohol? ‘No DS, you’re 14, maybe the summer after GCSEs’. Your bar is so low at 14, where are you going to go at 15? 16? 17? Bottle of vodka each and orgy in the garden? Your DS is a child. You are a parent. Alcohol is not for 14 year olds. There’s nothing to ‘navigate’. Spending too long in the bathroom? ‘DS stop hogging the bathroom other people need to use it’.

You need to stop being so permissive and parent. Yes, it is difficult but that’s your and your DH’s job. You can’t just give in to all DS’ demands because ‘everyone else is doing it’ or ‘they’ll do it anyway’. That’s just lazy. You have just let your child have a summer of alcohol and parties at 14! That’s most parents reality at 17/18 not 13/14.

Er....why were you allowing 14 year olds to drink in the first place? 🙄🙄🙄

I agree with your strategy in principle but 14 is too young in my opinion. 16 would be a more appropriate age for this type of party imo.

"They were bringing alcohol whether I said yes or not."

That ^^ is NOT a strategy.

It's just totally incompetent parenting.

Then you send them all back home.

Exactly.

Wait till they're a bit older and they'll be bringing weed whether the OP likes it or not.

If she has no control over 13 and 14 year old kids in her own home, I can't imagine what the next few years will be like.

You allowed 14 year olds to drink in your house and your SON had to confiscate the vodka?? You are entirely responsible for the situation that created.

I allowed my kids to have the occasional drink at 14 but there’s no way in hell that I would be taking responsibility for anyone else’s underage drinking.

It's also contradictory that OP seems to think that they would bring alcohol whether she said yes or no, but that everyone would abide by the "no more than 1 or 2 ciders rule".

I wouldn’t allow any alcohol for 13/14 and I’m shocked that you allowed ‘snogging’.

Yes, I have three teens.

Thanks for your comments.

We’re good though, I’m happy to view it, consider it and do what we think is right. Politely, I don’t need to be told what to do as a parent by you OR my 14 year old (who has not demanded this, he spoke to me about it and we had a conversation as a family). This wasn’t the question I asked.

In this instance i agree I should have and will absolutely ensure they have a means to get home safely before the event in the future. I agree parents should be informed and I will ensure that is confirmed by all children on the invites my son sends in the future, IF I decide to let him have his friends over again like this in the evening. I may just limit it to our friends that are more than happy with the arrangement. I’m undecided and will chat this through throughly with my husband.

Im a little done with how judgemental some of these comments are, but very appreciative of the constructive comments, even if they disagree. It’s good to get a balanced view, even if views do not align.

wishing you all the best.

Bloody hell, woman! Parent your own child; you haven’t got enough of a handle on things in your own home to be considering shoving your beak into other people’s kids lives.

I agree with PPs that this is quite odd - it seems you're trying to portray yourself as very sensible and moral and overprotective but actually it's the opposite - you're allowing children to drink in your home, young girls, without permission from their parents? This is very risky and not really worth it - if some parents agreed then in future only invite these kids. If you have to have these gatherings. But better to steer clear of this behaviour altogether.

Because they didn't want to tell their parents they were going to a party with alcohol probably. Boys are maybe iyo ok with two ciders but girls not at that age.

‘They were bringing alcohol whether I said yes or not.’

Christ, OP, just parent! It’s not that hard, most of us manage to not host underaged drinking parties pretty easily

The reality for those girls - as with most - is that they are in more danger from the drunken boys they know than from any stranger

As primary school children we're usually taught not to accept lifts from strangers. That conditioning runs deep and might make a lift from you seem more dangerous than a properly registered minicab driver. Might she have thought you'd been drinking?

So that's a thing to teach your 10 year old when she's a bit older - friends parents are probably safe people to accept lifts from. As well as an understanding of times when bus services stop and you need a different plan.

I think on a warm summer's night it's not terrible for them to have has this experience. They'll learn to plan better for the next parties.