Was I overreacting about teenagers without transport home after drinking!?!

[Mumsytutu]

Morning,

I wanted to gather some perspective and others thoughts on something that isn’t sitting right with me. It’s actually really upset me but unsure if my moral compass is just a bit ‘stiff’ compared to other parents.

Last night my 14 (nearly 15) year old DS had 12 friends over in the garden for a few drinks (strict rules on no excessive drinking!!) I was struggling with the drinking part in the first place truth be told, then had a good think about what I was doing at 14! Drinking in the garden is definitely a much preferable option. (This isn’t the first garden party. he’s attended others, and has always proved himself responsible).

It was both boys and girls. We know the majority of the boys parents and they’re good kids, most came along with one or 2 ciders. Fine.

Evening was good (very noisy!) but we only have 1 neighbour so I had pre warned them and it was to be finished at 10pm, they were fine about it. The kids were fine. No dramas.

My DS confiscated some vodka from the girls to adhere to the no excessive drinking rules so I was comfortable that he was being responsible. For clarity, he had 2 ciders and the boys were mainly kicking a football around and having a giggle. Girls sat gossiping, all the usual sort of behaviour.

Boys and a couple of girls were collected by parents promptly and all was well.

That left 4 girls. About 10:30pm I went out to see what was going on as the girls had congregated on my drive, turns out they were waiting for * ‘s dad to send an Uber. We live in a village so whilst Ubers are possible, they are not super easy to get. I immediately offered them a lift home.
they refused and assured me an uber was on its way. I wouldn’t get my child an Uber personally, but each to their own.

I told them to come back inside and wait here. They used the loo before all disappearing (thanking me on the way out). I assumed their Uber had arrived.

My DS then gets a call to go to them. He disappears. I give him a few minutes and follow him to see what’s going on.

The girls are sat on the side of the road with one on the phone to her Dad asking for an Uber. (Clearly Uber has not been sorted!!). Another girl is on the phone to her mum and is clearly getting quite upset. I offer again to take them home. The ‘uber girl’ refuses on behalf of them all.

At this point, and as her dad is on loud speaker (Dad is away in a different city), I put my foot down and said I wasn’t happy they were sat on the side of the road with no transport home. I insist they let me drive them home. (Dad pipes up and tells her to “just get the lift home, she was supposed to be home for 10pm”) All the girls follow me back to my house and I take them home.

It then transpires that they were not all staying at ‘uber girls’ house (as I had assumed) and 2 of them were planning to then get a bus to another location. It’s now 11:15pm- I don’t think so!! Thankfully the buses have stopped running … so they’ll walk. We’re near the city, just no!! I insist they let me drive them and they agree. It was about a 7 minute drive!

Whats not sitting right with me (in case it isn’t obvious) is that at least 2 of the girls parents involved here have no idea their girls were just wondering around hoping to get an Uber home, if they knew they were even out! I would be furious if this was my child.
Why had no one arranged a lift with a parent and why did Uber Girls parents think this was all ok? I have no idea if Uber girls Mum was even home (apparently, she doesn’t care, this is she Dad her on the phone when he asked if she’d called her Mum). I know this is really non of my business, but it kind of is as I had to sort it out as I could not in good conscience just ‘leave them to it’.

I have a DD who is 10. This has really shocked me and certainly made me think. I would never let any of my children make their own way home after a party/ drinking etc. I’m really struggling to imagine any parent would if the knew the whole story!?

Am I being over sensitive here? Should I be doing something to talk to the parents (I would want to know, although hopefully wouldn’t ever put my child in this position)- I would rather not contact the parent, but should I be?…
Or is this usual behaviour and i’m just out of touch/ overprotective? I’m completely flabbergasted to be honest.

Would appreciate other parents thoughts, the friends I have spoken to (boy mums!) are also completely shocked.

Thanks for reading.

Believe me, when the first ‘alcohol’ party came up I was not expecting it at all. Took a lot of talking it through. All the best with year 10 and hopefully if I does come up (and really, I hope it doesn’t as it’s tricky navigate) maybe this thread will help in some way 🤷🏽‍♀️ … think that’s what this is for xx

I think parenting teenagers is complicated. I said earlier I wouldn't host a drinking party for 14 year olds and I wouldn't - mostly because it does make you responsible for what happens to kids under the influence afterwards. If they are drinking in a field (and as someone said it's not necessarily either/or) then your only problem is your own DS. Obviously must people would help a drink teenager get home if they knew about it but it's not actively your responsibility.

I don't hard disagree with your point about being open and honest about teenagers drinking but it is a difficult balance because some of them don't and you don't want to encourage it. The conversations you have about this with your son drinking are entirely different from hosting a party with booze especially in a place where kids can't make their own way home.

So while I don't think the girls without lifts is great, you made it your responsibility when you had a party with booze at a house people can't walk home from, because they are 14.

I don't think you get to judge other people for being crap parents. They might be or they might not, but as discussed, parenting teens is not straightforward so don't assume you know exactly what the deal is!

I was simply saying there isn’t a lot of clothing, which is quite normal from what I’ve seen (and quite frankly, flaunt it whilst you can!!).

'Flaunt' it??

Are you seriously sexualising children's bodies?

"However, my concern was simply as they dress that way, gives me more reason of a concern as to them getting home safely."

Yes, because no child ever got into trouble wearing jeans and a sweatshirt...

Can’t get past allowing 14 year olds to drink in the back garden.

Ok. I’ll let this kid get herself into a pickle! He’s become quite good friends with her so … yeah.

as I stated in my original post. The whole things really bothered me. That is all!

YANBU

I have to say you’re taking the criticism of the party on the chin. I have a 14 year old DD so I’m a bit sensitive to criticism about girls and their clothing choices, especially from mums of boys. Almost like if something happens to them they were asking for it. Since so many boys are walking around with misogynistic views it makes me ultra suspicious so I’m glad to hear it wasn’t what you meant.

Yes she has parents and just like you, they have the right to make shitty decisions for their kids.

So sending such a carte blanche message like this is ridiculous and overstepping the boundaries. You are not her parent.

Like I said ….. I think I live in a parallel universe! I can’t recall ever drinking outside in a field or a bush before I was about 17 and I certainly wouldn’t have gone clubbing - with or without my mum’s approval at that age either!
I hung around with mates for sure but that was it because I was taught standard boundaries.
So fine, your boundaries are different to my parents’ and while we’re at it, my boundaries as a parent to two young adults.
I still find it baffling that you held a gathering of 13/14 year olds in your garden knowing they’d most probably be bringing alcohol. That just seems totally alien to me and the absolute opposite of what a responsible parent looks like to me.
It’s a couple of beers or cider at 14. It could very well be a couple of bottles of vodka at 16!
I do think that you were kind to make sure the girls were ok though. Still doesn’t excuse the allowing of underage drinking of others at your home!

Oh seriously.

i was replying to a comment saying i had made a snarky comments about what the girls were wearing. I was trying to correct that by saying that wasn’t how I intended the comment to come across. The girls looked amazing. I am NOT sexualising young girls for goodness sake. Just trying to explain the situation.

please stop now.

No I will not stop, thank you.

If you weren't sexualising them, what did you mean by...

"I was simply saying there isn’t a lot of clothing, which is quite normal from what I’ve seen (and quite frankly, flaunt it whilst you can!!)."

What is a child supposed to be 'flaunting' in skimpy clothing, if not her body?

Holy crap - I'm a pretty permissive parent but alcohol at 14 (and can't believe a 13yr old was drinking non-alcoholic beer - wtf!)

They have their whole fucking lives to drink and I don't buy the whole 'start them young and they wont go off the rails' idea either..

Your concern for the girls was completely right - I'd never let my DD be in that position and am very much the default driver for her and her friends - BUT I think you need to have a think about why they were in that situation in the first place! Teens are notorious for making poor decisions and being tipsy in the middle of nowhere is just asking for trouble. I'm not sure you can judge other parents here...

I wouldn’t be encouraging the drinking at 14. They are still growing and some of them are still small in size, mixed with alcohol that is not wise. Teens do not always tell the truth so did all parents know where they were? I guess it’s these parents that are then surprised when something goes wrong. Completely agree it’s not safe for them to be getting busses late at night. I’d rather teens aren’t out in the dark either I would always rather drive them.

Well what do you think she is doing it for? The weather? Kids, girls more, show off their bodies, its part of their growing sexual development. The only reason people wear skimpy clothing is for the male gaze, no other reason. Which is why its not best mixed with booze at aged 14

This. Really, what were you thinking?

ha ha thanks! Taking quite the bashing arnt I!

That said, I appreciate other people’s views to be honest. Parenting a teen can be so daunting and often you only have others close to go by so I think it’s good to get other opinions. Annoyingly the party this is quite normal around here so I am doing my best with it.

I also have a 10 year old daughter so I hear you!!. I’m also trying to raise a respectful young man. Last night one of the girls came on her period and he bought her to me to ask for pads. He’s doing ok I think!! (Bar the raging alcoholism 🙄). Firm believer a boob tube cannot ‘ask for it’ but sadly concerned not everyone in the world views it that way. Hence my concerns in ensuring the girls got home safety and a disbelief that their parents didn’t seem to care (or know 🤷🏽‍♀️).

I think I have my answer though to the actual question now.

Thanks and all the best x

Hang on why is a 13 year old drinking non-alcoholic beer? Can he not just have a coke..?

This is all so fucked up.

I mentioned up thread that a mum around here gave non-alcoholic cider to 11 year olds at a party. Other parents were absolutely fucking raging about it. She made an absolute tit of herself, trying to be the cool mum.

Why the desperation to encourage a love of alcohol in children? Like, why is it your hope for your son that he can drink in the village pub? Why the emphasis on alcohol, at such a young age? It just shows SUCH poor judgement.

I think (along with the majority of posters) that 14yo is too young for alcohol at a party, my dd was doing this more at 16/17yo.

That said the other parents sound very lax, I’d have arranged to pick my dd up at that age.

If this were true, why do you have to let him drink at home to stop him drinking to excess whilst out. Why not just agree no alcohol tol a bit older?

If your child was still only 13 last November, I cannot work out why you're saying he's nearly 15 now.

Even if he turned 14 in December, that doesn't make him 'nearly 15'.

I don't know if it's different in different parts of the UK, but there isn't the same drinking in the park culture as when I was young and even then most of the kids didn't.

Out of over 150 in her year DD only knows 3 girls who do and they are sadly being groomed by older boys to drink, smoke, do drugs and have sex.

DD 15 is not allowed to drink. She's had tastes with me - literal half a sip. At 15 I was able to drink at home and sometimes out of the home, but the world feels very different now and for the better. So I think YABVU to let them drink.

I'm not fully clear on the law and would recommend you look it up. It is legal for a child (over 5 unless it's changed) to drink in the home with parental consent, but you don't know if you had parental consent and you're not their parent. It's over 16, and only with a meal in pubs. So I would check if I were you as a PPs concern that you are illegally supplying alcohol to an underage child doesn't sound wrong to me, but I'm not 100%...

The OP a sensible, cool.parent who wants her son to cut his teeth on socialising (and snogging) in a safe environment Vs the riff raff girls in their skimpy clothing, bringing in bottles of vodka whose parents didn't seem to know where they were and were getting Ubers.... And then OP had to step in like a knight in shining armour to drop the Jezebels home. Phew what a night eh OP. You'll be able to dine out on this one for years.

Puke puke puke.

Yabvu.

His dad was here! There was also fizzy drinks. Crisps. Sweets. Some popped to the chip shop.

we live almost next to the pub. I very much hope he enjoys a cold beer there sensibly one day. Why not?

I also hope he rings me for a lift if he has more than one and NEVER ever drinks and drives.

He also doesn’t have to drink.

we drink (in moderation). We all enjoy a buckfizz at Xmas for breakfast.

He spoke to me about drinking. I have managed the boundary on it. I’ve not supplied any other kids with drink.

My goodness, the judgments on here are insane. Remember, mumsnet is for mutual support! For what it’s worth and as a parent who has gone through this, these girls should have organised their way home drink or no drink. But 15 year olds are notoriously unwise and surely you all know that. OP sounds very sensible to me.

Had you not been in contact with the parents pre- garden party anyway .
To confirm that they were aware you were allowing a couple of alcoholic drinks and that arrangements were in place for getting home.
In my experience these kinds of parties didn't really happen until year 11 and parents were in contact with each other prior, to be clear on the boundaries etc.
I would guess that some of the teens parents had no idea what they were doing. Uber girl calling her dad in another city rather than her mum is saying something isn't it.