Was I overreacting about teenagers without transport home after drinking!?!

[Mumsytutu]

Morning,

I wanted to gather some perspective and others thoughts on something that isn’t sitting right with me. It’s actually really upset me but unsure if my moral compass is just a bit ‘stiff’ compared to other parents.

Last night my 14 (nearly 15) year old DS had 12 friends over in the garden for a few drinks (strict rules on no excessive drinking!!) I was struggling with the drinking part in the first place truth be told, then had a good think about what I was doing at 14! Drinking in the garden is definitely a much preferable option. (This isn’t the first garden party. he’s attended others, and has always proved himself responsible).

It was both boys and girls. We know the majority of the boys parents and they’re good kids, most came along with one or 2 ciders. Fine.

Evening was good (very noisy!) but we only have 1 neighbour so I had pre warned them and it was to be finished at 10pm, they were fine about it. The kids were fine. No dramas.

My DS confiscated some vodka from the girls to adhere to the no excessive drinking rules so I was comfortable that he was being responsible. For clarity, he had 2 ciders and the boys were mainly kicking a football around and having a giggle. Girls sat gossiping, all the usual sort of behaviour.

Boys and a couple of girls were collected by parents promptly and all was well.

That left 4 girls. About 10:30pm I went out to see what was going on as the girls had congregated on my drive, turns out they were waiting for * ‘s dad to send an Uber. We live in a village so whilst Ubers are possible, they are not super easy to get. I immediately offered them a lift home.
they refused and assured me an uber was on its way. I wouldn’t get my child an Uber personally, but each to their own.

I told them to come back inside and wait here. They used the loo before all disappearing (thanking me on the way out). I assumed their Uber had arrived.

My DS then gets a call to go to them. He disappears. I give him a few minutes and follow him to see what’s going on.

The girls are sat on the side of the road with one on the phone to her Dad asking for an Uber. (Clearly Uber has not been sorted!!). Another girl is on the phone to her mum and is clearly getting quite upset. I offer again to take them home. The ‘uber girl’ refuses on behalf of them all.

At this point, and as her dad is on loud speaker (Dad is away in a different city), I put my foot down and said I wasn’t happy they were sat on the side of the road with no transport home. I insist they let me drive them home. (Dad pipes up and tells her to “just get the lift home, she was supposed to be home for 10pm”) All the girls follow me back to my house and I take them home.

It then transpires that they were not all staying at ‘uber girls’ house (as I had assumed) and 2 of them were planning to then get a bus to another location. It’s now 11:15pm- I don’t think so!! Thankfully the buses have stopped running … so they’ll walk. We’re near the city, just no!! I insist they let me drive them and they agree. It was about a 7 minute drive!

Whats not sitting right with me (in case it isn’t obvious) is that at least 2 of the girls parents involved here have no idea their girls were just wondering around hoping to get an Uber home, if they knew they were even out! I would be furious if this was my child.
Why had no one arranged a lift with a parent and why did Uber Girls parents think this was all ok? I have no idea if Uber girls Mum was even home (apparently, she doesn’t care, this is she Dad her on the phone when he asked if she’d called her Mum). I know this is really non of my business, but it kind of is as I had to sort it out as I could not in good conscience just ‘leave them to it’.

I have a DD who is 10. This has really shocked me and certainly made me think. I would never let any of my children make their own way home after a party/ drinking etc. I’m really struggling to imagine any parent would if the knew the whole story!?

Am I being over sensitive here? Should I be doing something to talk to the parents (I would want to know, although hopefully wouldn’t ever put my child in this position)- I would rather not contact the parent, but should I be?…
Or is this usual behaviour and i’m just out of touch/ overprotective? I’m completely flabbergasted to be honest.

Would appreciate other parents thoughts, the friends I have spoken to (boy mums!) are also completely shocked.

Thanks for reading.

That is not what any of this meant. The girls were lovely, very polite. I was just shocked, that’s all. Same if it would have been 4 boys left to their own devices at that hour.

love the handmaids tale reference though.

what are your thoughts in getting them home? Was this normal?

also- I’m not cool. Nowhere near!

They're not 15 and supporting parents doesn't have to mean blowing smoke up their arses, when they're being this irresponsible with kids and alcohol.

Not to mention accusing children of flaunting their bodies in skimpy clothing.

lol why is it always seen by the “boy moms” as the marker of a good lad that he sorted period products for a female friend? What the fuck is that?

have given my teenagers 2 alcopops/ciders occasionally, but never had a party with their friends here. It’s the unknown isn’t it? If their friends turn up tipsy, drink more then pass out! I’d rather not. But I have a friend who when younger, used to drink regularly outside with friends and wake up the next day in a field! So I do understand why you’re allowing it at home in a measured way.

Are you British? If you’ve got it, flaunt it - it’s a British way of saying if you look fabulous…..Wear it whilst you can as we all know we don’t look like that forever.

they can wear whatever they want to and feel comfortable wearing. And why the hell not and why the hell shouldn’t they.

do not mistake the compliment as sexulising young girls. Totally out of context.

Thanks. I was nervous about allowing him to do this and will certainly think twice about allowing it again.

all the best x

Most kids are going to experiment with drink at some point around that age - far better to be at a semi supervised party with limitations on what they're allowed to drink - knowing who they're with is a big plus too.
Thats what both of mine were allowed to do and they can both take or leave drinking now they're in their 20s and neither one of them has ever lied to me about where they are/what they're doing - they never needed to.

Yes I am British.

And when talking about skimpy clothing, 'If you've got it, flaunt it', means flaunt your great looking body.

You know this and I know this.

What YOU don't seem to know is that it's totally inappropriate when talking about 13 & 14 year old kids.

Why is everyone on here so negative.

because periods were a taboo subject at one point in history. I’ve made sure (as many boy mums have) that boys treat periods and girls with the respect they deserve. Not taboo, not ‘on the rag’ not hormonal not ‘oh she must be on her period’ and alllll the other derogative terms surrounding periods. But just a period!! That happens to half the population. And if it happens to a girl you know she should be able to ask you for help if she needs to without judgement or worry.

the fact he supported her to get what she needed to a good thing… no?? The fact she felt comfortable enough to ask him is also a good thing… no?? This should be the usual and if all boys are following this then it won’t be an taboo topic in years to come.

I'm also a girl mum!

“Don’t get me started” does not scream “oh but they looked amazing.” You were called out on shaming teenage girls, and even when explaining yourself claim the way they are dressed makes them more vulnerable, as if what a child is wearing ever has any bearing on them being sexually abused.

Your first mistake was to allow a party where 13&14 year olds had parent sanctioned access to alcohol. Your second was not to make that explicit to every parent involved. You claim this incident has made it clear you will do things differently with your daughter, but honestly, you always would have. If you would have been happy for your daughter aged 13 to go to a mixed group party where there was alcohol involved, you are either fooling yourself or or incredibly naive. You think the only risk is that they need a lift home? You were concerned enough to have your 10 yo stay somewhere else, if this was a sensible get together with his friends, why the need to do that?

You say your mum was a fab mum because she made sure 15 year old girls who went clubbing with you got home. A fab mum says no to her 15 year old child going clubbing. Perhaps checking with her wasn’t the smartest idea.

You also claim “they were going to drink anyway so you set boundaries” The boundary to be set is “not in my house”. If they turn up drunk, or sneak alcohol in, it’s easy to put a stop to it. That’s what parents do. You can choose to let your son go to other places where there is drink, you do not have to choose to let your home be a place where other kids are allowed to drink, particularly when you don’t know whether all their parents know.

I’m a “cool mum” My daughter has very few situations where I say no to her because she is a really sensible girl. Her mates love coming over here because there are very few rules, they can make themselves at home. There is no world where I would have allowed them to drink “just a couple” when they were 13/14. Even now at 17, if they chose that, I’d want to be sure their parents knew. Because when they are at my house, they are my responsibility, right up until they get home.

Yes she did actually..

Because I also would have some friend over and we was aloud to drink in my house.
But these were girls that were getting hammered on a park bench. My mum was a safe space for us. No one ever got so drunk, no one ever got hurt, lost, abused ect. We was safe. In fact once my friends told their parents what my mum did they was aloud to do the same small bottle and gets picked up. We was a group of 5. We was always safe. ✌🏻here I am 31 years old not an alcoholic or anything, never got so drunk I was passed out. I learnt to keep my mother's trust and keep an open conversation. I kept nothing from my mother.

Thing is kids will do things. The more you keep them sheltered the more they will go off the rails!

Can't say I will do the same with my daughter who is 7. It will depend on her maturity level and if I can trust her.

OP I think you are best off stopping replying. If you see my first post there are lots of positive reactions but most people won’t comment that they understand your POV.

its done now and if hosting in the future maybe check with them on arrival if they have organised their lifts home so you know what to expect.

They should be having 0 alcohol at 14. It literally damages developing brains and organs. These kids parents were likely told they were all at Sally M’s (made up example) house and would get the simple bus home. Meanwhile their parents could find out you’re allowing their daughters to drink alcohol among boys without their permission. You’re the only one who is allowing criminal behaviour…

I'm in the UK, I wasn't drinking at this age, my daughters weren't either. They probably did this at seventeen not fourteen. At fourteen this request would of been met with a flat no. It's inevitable that there's going to be problems letting them drink at this age. Drinking a shandy with your parents/a glass of wine with a Sunday dinner is one thing, this is another level.

I honestly was not shaming teenage girls. I apologise if you have taken it that way but I assure you that was not how I intended my comment to come across.

no negativity here and if I could re-word my comments I most certainly would. So once again, I apologise if my comments came across other than intended which was to paint a picture.

however, sadly, whether I like it or not, I will always have to say to my daughter to call me to let me know she’s home safe, even as an adult. I still do that with my own friends. Until the world changes it’s what women do. We don’t run at night. We cover our drinks. Some things are just not made equal but that isn’t my personal fault. It’s not all men but it could be that one. However, this is a way off topic debate but let’s not pretend this doesn’t exist.

I came here to get a bearing on if something was right or not and to see what the parenting world had to say on getting home from an event.
instead I have been bombarded with judgment.

that said, I do take all comments on board and it’s 100% made me think how I would have managed last night better. So for the constructive elements on here, that’s great thank you.

Where do you stop with this? Why is alcohol, an adult activity, the one thing we feel we need to let them experiment with when they are children. Few people say “well, they are going to experiment with drugs so I just let them do some weed at home” Or, “they are going to have sex, so we just let them have it here (aged 13/14)”

My parents had exactly the same rules for my siblings and I when it came to alcohol. Glass of wine with a Sunday meal from early teens, allowed to have “a couple of beers/ciders” from aged 16 when we were out. But we all had very different attitudes to alcohol both as teens and as adults. My brother stuck to the rules as a teenager (largely) but left home and alcohol has pretty much dominated his life since. My sister broke all the rules, was frequently very drunk at parties when she wasn’t going home, could be found at her mates’ house during school hours getting drunk, getting the schools bus home and sleeping it off before my parents got home from work. I generally stuck to the rules, was the teenager who made sure all the others were ok, drank a bit as a student but largely haven’t touched alcohol since I was in my late 20s.

It doesn’t matter what rules you put in as kids. The fallacy that if you introduce alcohol to teenagers they will be sensible but if you restrict it they will go wild, is comforting for parents because they don’t need to face being hated by their kids, but it has absolutely no bearing on attitudes to alcohol. What is certain is, you are allowing your children to consume a toxic substance that has been proven to affect their long term health and development, even in small amounts. You are normalising alcohol being necessary in a social setting, something they will take into adulthood.

Thankfully today’s teenagers and young people are drinking far less than previous generations. Your children’s attitudes have way more to do with their peers than with you.

There are some very irresponsible parents around. Unfortunately, you are one of them.

I'm sorry, but you're judging other parents for what you perceive to be poor parenting...while admitting that you allowed a bunch of 14 year olds to drink alcohol in your back garden? As the mother of a 14 year old DD, I'd be very concerned if I found another parent was knowingly allowing her to come round to their house to drink alcohol.

It's one thing allowing your 14 year old to have a drink at home with you, his parents, if that's what you choose - it's a completely different thing to allow other people's children to drink at your home.

I had friends who did drugs in fields as teens. Would you rather you let them come and do lines in your house instead? Let your kid and his mates do cocaine off your toilet? No… why? What’s the difference?

Both are illegal at their age. Both mill. Both damage. Alcohol is more addictive

ok- noted with thanks.

“I apologise if….” Great non-apology there.

Yes, we need our young women to be safe. Safe from young men who have been raised by permissive parents who hold their sons to a different standard. As parents, we need to know that when our girls go to a party aged 13/14, the environment isn’t one where they are put at risk by other parents, particularly those who will then judge us for our apparent lack of parenting skills when they don’t know the full story.

I can’t imagine having kids at my home who would not be comfortable with me taking them home. I also can’t imagine letting a drunk 14 year old dictate to me whether or not they were allowed to leave my house without a safe way to get home. How would you have felt if your daughter was one of these girls? Would you have been happy with your actions? I’m sure you think your darling girl would never, but even I wouldn’t have been surprised if my eminently sensible teenager had ended up in that situation. If she had, I’d expect whoever was temporarily in loco parentis to do the right thing.

No- not all of them - there are 300 kids in his year- stuff like this is all organised over snap chat.

some of them are close friends so there parents all text me as friends anyway.
but all of this organising malarkey is done through snap chat groups.

thanks for your comment, live and learn!

enough of the judgement now please.

But the whole point of your thread was to judge these other parents.

My thoughts exactly lol.

I apologise. Honestly I really do. My comments were not intended that way.

noted all your other points and taken onboard.

for the record- everyone was very clear there was alcohol. No one there (12 people for 3 hours!!) came thinking there was pizza and party games. They were bringing alcohol whether I said yes or not. I simply set a line in which he was responsible to maintain and I would jump in if needed. His friends. I was very clear that he needed to vouch that they were responsible. If not, I would facilitate calling parents (of which I knew 7 and 3 of them where sat in my kitchen for most of the time!).

i did not supply alcohol to anyone. They didn’t have to bring it. They didn’t have to drink it.

i spoke to the 13 year old (whose dad was here anyway!) and said if he felt uncomfortable just to come inside, we’ve known him forever and a day. Same goes for any of the other children, all welcome in if needed.

the 4 girls left at the end, I didn’t know them. I had never met them before.

Thanks for you comments, all the best x