Nearly 12-year-old wants to attend Pride and we have said no

[EdgyAzureBee]

My nearly 12 DD recently came out as bisexual and wants to go to a pride event. DP (who’s her father) and I both think she’s too young, don’t want her exposed to gender ideology and we said she can’t go. She’s now v angry with us even thou I explained to her why we said no and told her that we always love her. Just trying to do what we think the best thing is for her. She has a class mate she made friends with who is a ‘they’ and she became v interested in this whole thing. I totally didn’t expect her to come out with this so young.
DP and I both have been to pride before (him due to work me socially) and neither of us thinks she should go although DP thinks it’s more like a fayre but I know they sell sexual stuff that I’d not want an 11 y.o. see. She is not happy we said no and keeps pestering us.
My friends agree with our decision, what are your opinions here? I’m new to this so please be kind

Gosh that is all absolutely true and you’re so right!!
I’m really grateful to you and to all of those who gave such profound answers! Thank you very much for giving me the vocabulary to express how I feel!

The prospect of children being forced to observe adult indecorum is, frankly, beyond the pale.

These parents must reflect upon their questionable choices.

As others said Pride is not the place to explore whether a 11/12 year old child should feel about sexuality. Regardless of what sexuality she is orientated to she needs to start age appropriate. ChatGPT should not have presented that as a universal fact because Pride events vary considerably. Also she is 11. Personally I think some boundaries regarding dressing at 11, meeting strangers that wont know her age should be in place. She is a teenager and i am afraid she wont always like what you say or do as we also didnt like this from our parents. This has nothing to do with whether she is bisexual or not. And as your latest post she has a friend that might influenced her. Obviously you know your child best and whatever decision you make it would be the best for you. I Am sorry for the online experience as well.

Again, thank you so much for another really helpful and thoughtful response!

I agree with you and I said exactly that to DD but she said she wanted the label. Sigh!

@EdgyAzureBee Whether you like it or not, she will get her information from somewhere and wouldn't you prefer that to be with you around to guide her and answer questions?

You don't have to agree, you just need to answer questions in an age appropriate and honest and unbiased manner.

If you want her to be open and honest with you on difficult subjects then surely it would help to lead by example?

You never know, she may hate it and find it totally inappropriate for her needs. You have to give her the chance to learn in an appropriate environment.

Thank you so much for all your kind and helpful words, completely agree!

😢 Thank you for sharing. Your experience and mine just goes to show that with children at this vulnerable age I'd rather take all the risks of being accused of homophobia, close-mindedness and insensitive parenting than play the Brighton "cool mum" and take risks with my child.
We should be there for them before they know any better ♥️

Having just been to a pride event myself I can tell you now that nothing sexual was sold. There was an over 18 area fenced off and that was purely down to alcohol rules. The rest was absolutely family friendly and there were so many families in attendance. It's a wonderfully safe atmosphere (from an ally perspective) and I wouldn't hesitate to allow my children to go.

I wouldn't allow an 11year old to go simply because I wouldn't allow my 11y old to go to crowded events on their own anyway, but I'd certainly be going with them and supporting them.

I'm sorry what happened to you and how you were let down by your groomer, that's appalling but all adults are not like that, they have the well being of the child at heart although we need to learn from your experience and cautionary tale.

But surely protecting the OP's daughters childhood is not refusing her information and advice in an appropriate setting when she has made it clear she wants.... no needs, to know to help her deal with her evolving sexual persuasion?

If it comes with the love and guidance of a safe adult, who can make sure its appropriate, isn't that the ideal scenario?

I'll leave this thread with an image from Brighton pride. Yes, it's daytime. Two men in jock straps.
Notice children in the background.

Bouncy castle, my (naked) arse!
There are worse images but I doubt Mumsnet would even allow the post.

Pride event is definitely not the right setting for any child to 'learn' about their sexuality.

I would agree for general sex education but....

Do you seriously think she is not reading about it and watching social media on sexual subjects, surely doing it in a controlled environment where a parent can move her away from inappropriate content is better that just ignoring it like it won't happen. She is already reading up and discussing it with others.

OMGG!!!

What have we come to when people are too afraid to be labelled homophobic or whatever that this is allowed to happen in the streets with children around?

People's sexuality is a private matter. What message is this sending to our children?

That's very well expressed

This is tame in comparison to what I have seen and witnessed.

No child should have to observe this perversion.

At 11 general sex education is where it should stop at!
The next step should be learning about romantic relationships, managing one's emotions in that context, spotting control and abuse, breaking up safely - NOT learning types of fetish and pondering what minority sexual predilections appeal as cool enough.

It is important to mention that anyone exposing a child to sexually explicit content (audio, writing, visual, any!) is committing a crime, including if the other person is a minor themselves. Teach your children this.

Reads like she's had a very difficult time, it's always difficult to support our children when such horrible things happen to them.

My issue is that DD finds it hard to share her feelings and doesn’t like to talk about things most of the time.

At that age, my kids rarely talked about feelings. Now that they are older, they can discuss how they didn't and still regularly don't understanding their feelings and that blocks discussing them if we attempt to discuss directly. We discuss the impact of their feelings and how it's similar to others instead.

How it would work is a topic would come up, either I and/or their father would talk about it, and then ask their thoughts with space to disagree. Sometimes that worked well, sometimes they'd refer to it as a mumologue/dadologue, rarely thankfully we'd get called patronising, but an understanding was developed that that was not our intent and ways we could avoid it (anything comparing ourselves at their age, even discussing their side more positively than ours, is a no-go for my kids). My kids are autistic, so they get into-dumping, and understand that as a way to show interest that they don't need to reciprocate in the moment.

When my older daughter came out as a lesbian at 11, I said it was possible, gave examples I'd seen that lined up with that, and then discussed sexuality as a trait, how it may change over time, and the value in privacy in places she is not free to leave like school. At 20, she's still undecided between lesbian and bisexual who prefers women, doesn't really care that much on it, does more strongly view herself as demisexual though views that more as a difference in emotional processing / personality type than a sexuality. Even that was less her discussing her feelings, and more it came up in something one of us was watching and she agreed with it. That tends to be how it works -- as adolescents, they don't entirely know themselves, so they're looking at others and seeing what makes sense.

She’s been talking to Chat GPT about this as I found out last night, hence my post, and Chat GPT told her the pride events were child friendly… 😳

It may be good to test out with her things on ChatGPT to show the limits - it gets a lot wrong.

I don't disagree about what she should be learning but from the sounds of it, she is already past the basic stuff.

i.e kids shouldn't be having sex underage but they do (I'm talking in general her and not suggesting this child is having sex), we don't live in an ideal world and its about dealing with the reality NOW.

And she is asking to go, she is reading about sexuality and making decision on the info she is finding.

So doing nothing as its not age appropriate, is NOT a reasonable option, and teaching your child that you are approachable and will discuss things at an age appropriate level is the way to go.

Then as with an earlier poster, if a groomer or someone making inappropriate comments and suggestions come along, hopefully they will feel they can run it past you and get a honest steer.

We are not talking about ideals, we are talking reality.

If you answer honestly now, they learn you’re a safe person, their feelings aren’t shameful, they can come to you during puberty, they don’t need to hide things and in the long term that is a major win.

Pride varies massively from place to place. Some areas are adult‑themed, but the main parade and community stalls are usually family‑friendly.

Calling Pride a ‘kink show’ is misleading, it’s a civil rights event with lots of families attending.

If a child wants to go, the safest and most sensible option is to chaperone them. You can steer them toward the wholesome parts and away from anything too mature. It’s no different from supervising a child at any large public festival.

Civil rights event with men wearing jockstraps, gimp masks, and ball gags. Then we have the men in costume, playing Womanface.

Yes, how could one be mistaken? Very civil rights 🙄

Exactly this. A close family member of mine said he knew he was gay from a very young age and he’s still gay 40 odd years later! It is so important that you trust her, love her and listen to her.

Pride is usually a lovely, friendly positive event especially in the day time. My partner and his sibling went every year as kids (in London) and have fond memories of it. I would go with her during the day.

I used to go to London pride as a child/ teen with (straight) family members in the late 80s. I’m in my fifties, same sex with teenage kids. We have taken them since them were small - medium size uk city. No issues. Useful topics for convo re gender ideology / gay rights/ different views etc. My kids are teens and say they don’t know yet cos they don’t yet fancy anyone. They’ve promised to let us know!!

So I would. But we are incredibly open.

BTW, I’d be wary of saying to wait and see if she is still identifying as bi in a couple of years. Whatever may change, it will be important for her that you accept her reality now. I know lots of people that knew they were gay by that age. ( I’d be more wary and cautious about trans; my kids know I would not support any meds / treatment etc until they can decide as adults).

Look, I get it if you don't want your kid seeing the more sexual side of Pride, that's a fair objection and honestly it probably doesn't do the cause any favours either, plenty of people within the community feel the same way about it. That's a reasonable conversation to have.
But acting like it's not a civil rights movement is just wrong and ignorant . It started as one, it's still rooted in one, and it's still a necessary one, people are still killed for being gay in parts of the world, imprisoned in others, and even here hate crimes based on sexual orientation are rising and LGB people are reporting feeling less safe being open about who they are. The speeches, the history it marks, the visibility it's fighting for, all of that is explicitly civil rights, whatever you think about the other bits.
Pretending the whole thing has stopped being about civil rights because you don't like some of what you see at it is a strawman you clearly think is clever, and it isn't, it just makes you look like you don't actually understand what you're talking about.