Annoyed that my 12-year-old took ice creams from the freezer without asking

[RosieLeaLovesTea]

Hi all
i am really annoyed tonight as
my 12 year old DD ate two in creams from the freezer - a
mars ice cream and a snickers ice cream taking them without asking.
she said she ate them yesterday when I was out in the garden.
it just makes me feel like I cannot leave treats around for fear they will be eaten.
Usually we take them out at least one day over a weekend to a beach or park or activity and they usually get an ice cream l. Unless she has been fighting DS in the car. Well today was one of those days so she didn’t get an ice cream. I felt like she was saying haha I ate 2 ice creams yesterday behind your back.
she cannot see why I am angry and trying to defend it with ridiculous comments. I have to say I aM not enjoying parenting this age. The arguing back is getting worse and she seems really selfish.

I totally get your frustration, I had 6 children my 12 year old (all grown up now) would eat whole packs of things, happily Sat in bed at night eating tins of ice cream. So the others had nothing. I was concernd something was wrong as she craved suger. The Dr told me to concentrate on attention else where as this was a "look at me " attention eatting. Hand to say I began spending extra set time with her doing things together , and it worked the hits on the treats stopped. I suppose it was bad attention is better than none effect. Good look the teen years don't last for ever although it feels like it some times

You were right not to buy an ice cream on a day out, as she'd had 2 the day before!
You say she struggles to regulate sweet treats, so maybe time to not have them in the house so regularly. Many of these sweet items are also UPF, which are highly addictive and play havoc with blood sugar levels, moods and overeating. Whilst it may not be easy initially, it will be better for her in the long run.
Get her involved in making 'healthier' ice creams, sweet treats (with natural sugars) and ensuring the whole family reduces their sugary treats/UPF consumption.
We only have coconut sugar/honey/maple syrup/fruits as the sweet options in our house because I can't eat sugar for dietary reasons and my son is allergic to sugar. We bake our own cakes, biscuits, ice creams etc and obviously don't have sweets etc in the house. The children aren't bothered - they understand there are different quality foods (as we discuss it) and we aim for the least processed because it's better for our bodies!

Your rules and structure need to change. But don’t just tell her “you must ask”. Give her the reasons why. Tell her you want her to be healthy, explain why these foods are bad for health and teeth and give her alternatives.
Show her some healthy eating guides so she knows it’s not just mum nagging.

If you are short of money I can see why taking two ice creams might be annoying but it's really not big deal if they were bought to be eaten by her at some point , or has she deprived other family members from their share?

Just say taking 2 in one go, especially without asking, wasn't a good idea as it's not healthy , and don't replace them for a few weeks if she should have asked or if you think she doesn't have enough self control.over her consumption treats .

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Choose your battles carefully. This isn't one to have

Same here. Totally agree.

OP, you’re being unreasonable and frankly sound a bit nuts.

Treating food as a reward or punishment is why so many people have difficult relationships with food as an adult. Also the more you say she can’t have something, the more sneaky she’s likely to be about getting it. The rule at home was always simple, if you eat it all now there won’t be any for next time.

Again, bonkers.

I completely agree with this. And @Lolamorte comment too.

As another poster said upthread, this sort of "just go and buy more" attitude turns the parent into a slave. Work all day, commute home, open fridge to start dinner, oh I can't because someone has scoffed half the ingredients (whilst ignoring the snack food aplenty purchased for that purpose and requested by them). What now? Back out the door and pound down the road to hope that Tesco Express has what I need, while the scoffers lounge in front of the tv. Fuck that shit, I deserve more respect.

Some of us have a budget. Some of us hate wasting food and packaging and can't/won't buy double ingredients just in case some selfish person decides they want that for their snack and they don't fancy any of the snack foods they actually asked you to buy and just throw them in the bin if not needed. Some of us just don't have time to trot down the road like a Victorian maid to just buy more so the rest of the family dont miss a meal.

Having some very reasonable restrictions in place isn't just about healthy eating, its about family members learning to think about others and the family's resources and values.

Plus some kids just don't self regulate without a firm steer. My younger child is fussy and would literally live on snacks and not touch meals so we do have rules - no more than one ice cream a day and no more than one packet of crisps a day. Otherwise she would live off that stuff (and biscuits), plus she would carry on once no longer hungry. Our older child wasn't like this - which makes me think there is a strong genetic disposition - and we used to be much more relaxed. However younger started getting unhealthy and podgy until we reined it in. I know posters will say I'm giving her "food issues" but childhood obesity IS a food issue. Sorry to use the F word but kids that get fat will stay fat and get fatter. (I did not say that to her obviously, we focused on healthy diet, budget and being more thoughtful about shared resources).

I'm finding this thread really odd. Is this a wealthy mumsnetters branch? Because one minute there's a cost of living crisis, and the next, it's fine for kids to just munch their way through the weekly shop, two days in.

My kids always asked before helping themselves to food outside mealtimes. Not in a 'pleeeeeze?!!!' kind of way, but simply as a check that there was enough to go round. It's maddening to go to the fridge/freezer to find that the items you need or want have disappeared. So no, if I bought a pack of four ice creams for our family of four, no-one should have been heading for a second ice cream without checking.

If OP came on here in 5 years to say that her 17 YO eats all the treats before anyone else gets a chance or that she ate the meat meant for dinner for everyone then she would be told that it’s her own fault and that she made a rod for her own back by not correcting her behaviour when she was younger. You literally cannot win. Also, all these posters ‘were all slim, were all healthy because we didn’t demonise food..’ etc. why are there so many overweight children then? We only have their word for it and frankly some people are in denial! I’ve had a school Mum tell me she has no idea why her child is wearing clothes for a person 5 years older and that she barely eats. Then this child came to my house. I couldn’t believe it, she was eating all the snacks before the other kids could get to them and she ate more food for dinner than I eat and told me she was still hungry. I’m not trying to shame that child but her Mum seems like an honest and smart person on the surface but yet she has no idea that she is literally being cruel to her own child and setting her up for health problems and a more difficult life. She couldn’t keep up when we walked to the park! That’s cruel.

The child had two ice creams!

The problem is you made food a battleground by refusing her an ice cream earlier because she fought with her sibling. Then, probably partly because she wanted one, partly because she was angry with you, she took two. She may have enjoyed them, but equally she may have overridden her body's 'that's enough' messages through wanting to get back at you.

Find some other consequence for bad behaviour in future because in five years she'll be at uni, can buy what she likes and those attitudes to food will be embedded.

We have snacks freely available but the kids are teens now and know eg if there is a 4 pack that means one each. When they were younger I was stricter. Now though they pass a corner shop bulging with sweets on their ways home from school and they have to regulate themselves. Fortunately I have three health conscious gym bunnies.

So what if one child helps themselves to more than their share and another/the others gets none? So 'when it's gone it's gone' only penalises those who didn't get any.

I don’t police the snacks in my house, if it’s there they can have it

When my Dc were younger I had the philosophy that I’d do the weekly shopping and once all the ‘treats’ were gone, they were gone. So if they ate all the ice creams in one day, they had no more until the next weekly shop.

If my children didn’t have to ask me for food all they would eat would be sugary and salty snacks. Just talk to her and reaffirm she needs to ask next time as they are for all of the family. Also not everyone can afford for the kids to have free reign on food I buy enough for the odd snack and lunches. My children are 6 and 3 though so might be different as they get older.

But what if one person scoffs the lot, then the rest of the family has none until next shop! And it will probably happen again because there's no one to stop them.

My kids know very well not to eat more than their share (had to be told/taught though). I don't want to feel it's like a race to the freezer to stuff down "my" ice cream rather than risk not having one when I fancy because a guzzler has finished a pack in one day.

So divvy everything up when you buy it - that way if Bob wants to eat all his ice cream in one go it doesn’t impact anyone else.

Because they are annoying and self centred. They know full well I don't think its OK, but what can I do other than bollock them? They get no pocket money as they have jobs so can't dock that. They do cook for everyone sometimes but are very self centered.

This is the attitiude which resukts in selfish young adults and the -nearly invariably-- mother becoming a slave. Not to mention the shocking enviromemtal impact of great hulking teens snacking on chicken breast. No one needs grade A protien between meals. Mine would be directed to a peanut butter sandwich / bowl of cereal/ bannna.

Children should learn from the very beginning that a family is a community and the members of that community look out for each other. So if there’s lots of ice creams or crisps or strawberries you can help yourself-if there aren’t you are careful not to take more than your share. And you make sure that if something is running low you make sure you tell whoever does the shopping. By 12 this should be absolute second nature.

Next time that a mumsnetter complains about the new generation's entitlement, I'll be tempted to link them to this thread. Apparently kids should now be allowed to just help themselves to anything they want, and as much as they want, without consideration for anyone else in the family.

I can't imagine that my children need to ask permission to eat some fruit or make themselves a sandwich, and that I demand they replace the ham they ate. That's what it's for, eating. It's not like they nicked your bottle of châteauneuf-du-pape 1968 you kept for a special occasion, we are talking about supermarket groceries.

But the OP hasn’t said that she’s eaten someone else’s share or eaten the last two ice creams in the freezer , so we don’t know that the daughter has been inconsiderate .

The only times I got cross with mine taking food was when it was clearly for a certain occasion or it was clearly someone else's.(AS DS1 was a bugger for that). Food in the fridge, as long as they weren't eating the lot, fine.