How to talk to my daughter about very short, tight shorts

[YepIChangedMyNameForThis]

My 14 year old daughter went shopping with friends yesterday and came home with the shortest, tightest denim shorts EVER.
They look like they would feel too tight and go right up her bum, she said they didn't. She also said a friend of hers had a similar pair on yesterday.

They just don't look great, how the hell do I say it without her thinking I am saying she looks fat in them!

oooohhh dear, OP. You really ARE making me feel my age. But here goes….
You. Are. Her. Parent.
DD is 14. She. Does. Not. Get. To. Make. Decisions. About. House. Rules.
Insist DD tries on the offending item for you. If they DO offend you - they go back to the store for a refund. You do not give a shiny sh*te what DD’s friend says or wears. Be ready to concede some ground and come up with an acceptable compromise.
It’s not THAT long ago that DD was probably wearing party dresses and still believed in Santa Claus. And yes - I’d be a hypocrite not to acknowledge that (too many) years ago we hid ‘unacceptable’ shoes and concealed risqué makeup and guzzled liquor underage to spite our parents and keep on trend with our friends - but these really were simpler times. MUCH simpler.
DD has plenty time ahead of her to exercise her choices and make decisions about what she wears and when she wears it. Patience is a virtue and if exercised now it’ll pay dividends for both of you.
Best wishes with this.

Maybe a little lesson in self respect wouldn’t go amiss.

My adult son 41 went bowling with his DD 21 and friends and their DD, he said she had on shorts so short that when she went to bent down to bowl it was embarrassing for him he didn't know where to look, you would of thought the mother would of suggested different bottoms for this kind of activity.

I agree, I was a size twelve and thought I was fat. I watched Bridget Jones Diary and thought she'd fat? Oh I guess I am too then. The fashion for being super slim. I wish I had been care free.

If your son is unable to look at a woman half his age, who is the child of one of his friends, without it being sexual, I would argue that's an issue with him, not the woman.

And it's gross.

What are you talking about ? OP wasn’t calling her DD fat, she was scared that DD would interpret any criticism that way. Two totally different things.

Didn’t know where to look…

unless she’s the size of the building I’m sure there were plenty of other places he could have looked

honestly, some people seem to think these girls are going out and twerking in peoples faces. I manage to get through the day without looking at anyone’s arse - be it clothed or not!

He wasn’t looking at a young girl in a deliberately sexual way though was he ? He wasn’t turned on, he was embarrassed. Totally different and completely understandable. Let’s not make it something it’s not.

Which is fair enough, but do you apply that to swimwear?

Leg suits and swim shorts are available, so if she’s not “old enough to reveal her arse” do you also insist on taking bikinis and swimsuits back in exchange for swim shorts?

They were bowling. I would have thought the mother of a young girl could have advised on suitable clothing that doesn’t show everything when you bend down to actually bowl. It’s not just a matter of the embarrassment caused to others, it’s about self respect.

You wouldn’t wear a swimsuit or a bikini anywhere else but at the beach or the swimming pool though, surely.

How old was this young girl?

And self respect is bandied around to get people to conform

was he embarrassed for her or himself? Because I can’t quite understand why he would be embarrassed in that situation?

He clearly found it sexual, or he wouldn't have been embarrassed. Would he have been embarrassed by seeing her elbow or armpit, or her calf?

Agree. Reminds me of my headteacher at primary school objecting to children wearing tights as they're unhygienic. Let's not perpetuate these ridiculous health myths.

No, but they are still public places with plenty of people about. Being at a swimming pool doesn’t mean your arse is magically unseeable.

what’s the difference between getting your arse out on a beach where 1000 people are there who can see your arse, or walking down the high street where 1000 people can see your arse?

if you decide it’s not appropriate for your child to display their arse so other people can see it, what difference does the environment make?

You're the adult she's a child. Tell her straight she's not wearing shorts so short her bum cheeks are on show, or anything skin tight. She has her whole adult life to dress like that.

I understand the modern perspective that girls should be able to wear whatever they want and men are the problem for looking. To some extent I agree. But I also remember being 14. I remember being pleased when men would honk at me in their cars! As a child! I was attracted to older men and wanted them attracted to me. I'm glad I wasn't allowed to wear most of the clothes I did want, the attention in a school uniform was already disturbingly often (looking through my now adult eyes).

Some girls will want these clothes simply for fashion, but many of them want them specifically to be alluring. That's something they can choose to be as adults.

I have to say I find it gross women wearing those bum scrunch shorts . You are just walking along and then all of a sudden greeted with seeing the exact shape of a persons arse on show with very little to the imagination. I’m a woman myself but I find it really distasteful and tacky and can’t see any good reason for it because I can’t imagine it’s all that comfortable having shorts shoved up your arse . The only reasons I can think of for people wearing them is to attract attention

Where has common sense gone ? If this girl has come out in ridiculously short shorts with the intention of going bowling then the likelihood is when she bends down to bowl the ball she’ll be giving anyone and everyone in the immediate area an unwanted birds’ eye view of everything she’s got, especially if she’s not wearing any underwear. It’s utterly ridiculous to suggest that she wouldn’t draw attention to herself. I’m a woman and I would be embarrassed for her. The suggestion that he’s some sort of perv for even noticing is batshit.

Are you seriously suggesting that there is no difference to wearing a bikini or a swimsuit at the beach, and walking around town in one ? The difference the environment makes is that you dress appropriately for it.

Why would it embarrass him though? That makes no sense, unless his actual embarrassment was that he couldn’t stop himself looking and felt like a predator.
It’s simply illogical that the fashion choice of someone else would leave you feeling personally embarrassed.

Being embarrassed for her is very different from being embarrassed yourself though

and there’s no suggestion she wasn’t wearing pants. Obviously anyone flashing is inappropriate

We don’t even know how short the OPs daughters shorts are - a lot of assumptions they are bum cheek showing but they may not be that short

It's actually pretty terrifying how many people are afraid to PARENT their child. It's our actual JOB to say "that's not safe", "that's not ok", "that's a bad call". Whilst it's undeniably harder to tell a 14 year old she does not look good or classy in those short shorts than it is to tell a 3 year old they shouldn't put their hand on the hot cooker, these are still things we need to do as parents.

Teenagers need protecting as much from their own poor judgement as they do from the world at large. And if we don't tell our kids what is and isn't appropriate, the rest of the world will. And much less kindly.

And yes, they'll still make crap calls and do stupid things and try to hide them from us. But I'd still much rather my DD knew that her decision was something I'd disapprove of but did it anyway than believed I condoned her questionable behaviour.

The exact reason I am thankful for my sons because my husband would have a fit with some of young folks clothes..there would have had some serious arguments about short clothing.

This. There was a post upthread advising that if a posters’ young DD wanted to go out with nipples on display and revealing clothes there is nothing to be said - it’s her choice. I would argue that that attitude needs to be tempered with a clear explanation that she will be attracting unwanted and potentially harmful attention. I appreciate this shouldn’t be the case, but in the real world I’m afraid it is. I think it’s a safeguarding issue. As you say they will have free choice when they are adults.

I can remember being 14 myself. All these threats of thrush and ass being on show would not have bothered me in the slightest.