Birthday parties. Common for people to do this?!

[Cluelessfirstimer]

DS 4 was invited to a birthday party tomorrow. He cant go as its his cousins party the same day (different nursery no cross over friends).

The mum of the birthday girl created a WhatsApp group with everyone invited. Im still in it although I did tell the mum we couldn't come.

Anyway, today she sends a message. She invited "extra " people incase some couldnt make it. She over invited what the venue will allow by 5. 3 couldnt make it so its still 2 over. She has straight up tagged 2 mums to ask that they keep their DC at home as she doesnt have space.

One has replied kicking off that shes told her DC they are going and moved plans and it will cause huge upset.

Glad im well out of it but this is a bit shit right? Personally I think its awful the day before to suddenly spring on that 2 children cant come. Why would you over invite in the first place?

The group is kicking off now but the mum maintains everyone does this?! Im new to all this but I wouldnt even consider doing that.

I can just about agree that it could be "normal" to over invite in case of people dropping out.
But only if you know you have capacity and extra funds to deal with it if they all do end up coming.
You absolutely do not over invite when you know there is a very strict policy on numbers.
And you really really really really don't ever uninvite people! Just... i can't imagine what she was thinking. And to do it last minute as well, when kids will be excited and people will have bought presents.

I do feel really sorry for her child though because I can't imagine many people accepting any further invites from her. Because you'll never know if you are gonna get uninvited at the last minute. What an absolute tool this woman is.

Also just wanted to add (just cos another poster brought it up) that I'm autistic and whilst social situations and etiquette are obviously difficult for many of us (me included) i don't think many autistic people would do this. It's SO obviously not OK, plus most of us have experience of being the ones left out and try not to do that to others!

I hope he becomes disabled soon

I would share this thread with her on the Whatsapp group! What an awful woman 😱 this poor children 😞

This is crazy - no decent person does this. How would she feel if it were her child with a rescinded invitation?!

The worse part of this (although over inviting in itself is not great) is that two children got to be publicly made to feel like spares on a group chat. That is a way to make two people feel bad - a direct message would have been kinder. No, this is not normal but then again, a lot of people are casual about party invites saying yes and then not coming often with no explanation so I do see it a bit from the hostess's point of view as well.

This is nuts. I have 3 kids, all long past birthday party age. I have never heard of anyone doing this before. I have once booked a party (exclusive hire) in a small soft play with limited numbers so only invited that number of children. I have never heard of anyone being uninvited and I've always done extra party bags just in case some siblings turn up. I really feel for the birthday girl because it's going to blow back on her, and those two uninvited children! Just awful all round!

There has just been one message in the chat this morning which was the mum posting directions to the venue. 2 people did a thumbs up to that message.

The other group have suggested some times for this soft play but doesnt look like any firm plans.

I did message one of the other mums who was tagged (the one that didnt say anything) and ask if her and her DC wanted to come over next weekend to play. To be honest ive been planning to do that anyway as DS and her DC are close. Didnt mention the group. She replied that would be nice hes had a bit of a rubbish weekend so will look forward to it.

No clue what will happen today. We will go to DS cousins party as always planned. Im sure ill find out later or monday. I just hope whatever happens the kids have the least impact of it all.

The mum is a massively out of order, but the mum of the uninvited child proposing a rival event to ruin the party is a massive dick.

This 100%. Are the ADULTS forgetting there is a child in the middle of this who is expecting to see her school friends at her party?!

I’m usually a cold-hearted bitch but it’s got me right in the feels!

Definitely stay out of it!

Yes, really hope that little girl gets a decent turn out and the other parents don’t make her pay the consequences of her mums ridiculous actions.

How awful to encourage a boycott of her party.

Have people on this thread seen the series "Big Little Lies"? The EXACT same thing happened there 😀 Great show btw

So not the norm at all. We have joint parties for my boys as they’re close in age, they have a lot of the same friends and also their birthdays are next to each other so end up with a venue that is larger. We have a list of all the “definite” invites and then a list of friends that aren’t as close but we can bump up because it would still be lovely to have them there but obviously with the two and still a larger venue we’re still restricted on space. I’ve never over invited, but as I find out people can’t attend I’ll send out another round of invites. I feel like that’s the norm. Sometimes we fill the venue sometimes we don’t as I don’t invite people for the sake of inviting them either.

I don’t know how you stayed out of it OP I would have told her it was definitely not the right or normal thing to do regardless to whether I was going or not, you’re better than me. Had I been one of the parents that’s child was uninvited, I would have told her straight and wouldn’t be speaking to her again for messing with my child’s emotions. And had I been a parent of a child who was still invited I just wouldn’t have gone, to be fair if I’d have spoken to my eldest about it he wouldn’t have wanted to go either if his friends were uninvited. Present would have been taken back or given to my own child as compensation and we’d have joined the other parents for soft play and probably done something else fun afterwards. I’d have felt for the party girl as it’s the mother’s fault but I wouldn’t want my child anywhere near that quite frankly toxic mother. You can’t just uninvited children. What on earth was she thinking?! And to not apologise?!

What about the feelings of the uninvited children?

Exactly I’d 100% feel for the birthday girl but I’d feel more for those uninvited. And unfortunately the mother played a shitty game so she’s won a shitty prize.

The mother of the uninvited child is trying to protect her own child by creating a different event so they don’t feel left out I can totally understand that. I’m not saying I’d have started a boycott but I certainly wouldn’t want my child to feel rejected. And you’d have to tell them the truth otherwise they’d find out at school anyway. I’d have hundred percent taken my child to that boycott event though anyway as there would be no way I’d take my child to a party where had 3 other children not have said no the chances are that shitty woman wouldn’t have thought twice to do the same to my child.

Even if she was given poor advice about overinviting, surely she could see that publicly uninviting two kids last minute on a WhatsApp group is a shitty thing to do? That's got nothing to do with parenting experience, it's just basic manners.

Blooming heck OP I have 3 kids including a teenager and have seen some batty behaviour from parents over parties (think forcing friendships between dcs because the mums were friends whilst excluding the kids actual friends from the party invites) but this mums behaviour is disgusting. I wouldnt have taken my child to a party of a parent who behaved like that as I wouldn't want my dc involved with a parent like that.

I agree to some extent - she could have arranged a soft play separately with the other child maybe.

I can see why people are planning to not attend "in solidarity" but tbh this is really unfair on the birthday girl and rude as well - once you've accepted an invitation, you should commit to go unless ill. It's a bit of a greyer area if it's due to dickish behaviour but ultimately that's not the poor child's fault.

Normally i would agree with you snd say its unfair not to attend the party as its not the childs fault but in this instance the parent is so awful I wouldn't want my kids around them. There is the odd parent I have met who is so totally self absorbed, entiled and toxic which has resulted in me stopping my kids being around there child. Unfortunately the kids Normally end up as awful as the parent.

Just another instance of a delusional woman making her child's party all about her. She tells herself she wants to make sure there's enough kids there by overinviting, and if there's too many then fuck some of them off and who cares how the kids feel. Completely ignorant to the fact that these kids are her DCs friends and it will only reflect badly on her DC in school/nursery whatever.

Now, of course, the other mememe mums plan a revenge plot against this mum, which again will only impact the children involved. Mum rivalries cause kid rivalries and it always involves bullying. How can adults even be this unintelligent and self-absorbed.

I went to a kids party yesterday and id say about half didnt turn up. The dad looked really disappointed, but we all still had a fantastic time and the birthday girl seemed overjoyed the whole day. As long as they are happy, it doesn't matter about the numbers. It isnt nice but quality over quantity always.

What are the kids going to remember; how many kids were at their party or an on-going rivalry that lasted however long over a bleeding birthday party. Jesus christ. Back in my day it was a few friends at my house, food, music, games and possibly a bouncy castle. Happiest memories of my life because my mum wasn't too busy fighting with other mums over trivilaities such as this.

Somewhat of an update. Party is 1-3.30. Mum sent a message at 1.30 asking if anyone else was coming. Few people replied they now couldn't make it, kid sick, didnt like the way this all went down so will be avoiding.

Another mum at the party sent a message in the other group saying they were there and about 5 kids turned up. Mum isnt happy but said kids seem to be having fun.

She invited what looks like 20 with 5 being "spares" so im guessing expected 15...

Gosh its going to be tense Monday. I haven't said 1 word and very glad im going to be out if it

I cant see any firm plans or times for the soft play but they may have gone off separately to sort that - not sure.

One of the mums that was tagged that kicked off is quite out spoken so im sure shes definitely going to say something at nursery and I can imagine it will definitely be bought up.

So you would rather that the 2 invited kids get all their friends on a random day at softplay to play with, and the birthday child who has no idea this is going on ends up with a party with no one turning up?
It's a horrible situation, but the parents of the invited kids can take them to softplay or do something nice without ruining another child's birthday

I think you’re right to an extent. But at that age, the children’s interactions outside nursery and school are totally dependent on the parent politics. And therefore I think it’s probably wise that the party girl’s mum learns (hopefully) a hard, sharp lesson in how to manage her child’s social life with diplomacy and consideration. It will benefit her child in the longer run.