Birthday parties. Common for people to do this?!

[Cluelessfirstimer]

DS 4 was invited to a birthday party tomorrow. He cant go as its his cousins party the same day (different nursery no cross over friends).

The mum of the birthday girl created a WhatsApp group with everyone invited. Im still in it although I did tell the mum we couldn't come.

Anyway, today she sends a message. She invited "extra " people incase some couldnt make it. She over invited what the venue will allow by 5. 3 couldnt make it so its still 2 over. She has straight up tagged 2 mums to ask that they keep their DC at home as she doesnt have space.

One has replied kicking off that shes told her DC they are going and moved plans and it will cause huge upset.

Glad im well out of it but this is a bit shit right? Personally I think its awful the day before to suddenly spring on that 2 children cant come. Why would you over invite in the first place?

The group is kicking off now but the mum maintains everyone does this?! Im new to all this but I wouldnt even consider doing that.

I can’t imagine anyone will be accepting future party invites from her, incase she boots their DC off.

Clearly made the wrong call and yes it was wrong to single out two children on the chat. Of course they would feel like 'back ups'.

I'm guessing she hasn't done many kids parties before so is having a wobble. I'm wondering whether she has counted correctly... She said 3 couldn't make.... Are the other 2 parents that can't make it still on the chat? I'd DM her and remind her you aren't going.....

T is is why I don’t book ‘pay per child’ parties, people do always drop out but not 5, usually 1 or maybe 2. I always do extra party bags because usually someone messages on the day to ask if they can bring a sibling too. The party host sounds like a dreadful woman and I’m not sure she’ll have anyone at her future parties!

What a mess. Also feel sorry for birthday hirl and uninvited children.

No over inviting is not a normal thing to do and no not everyone does it. If after everyone has RSVP’d you end up with a few spaces then it is acceptable to invite a few more to fill those spaces but I’ve never heard of anyone ‘uninviting’ children at the last minute. Horrible thing to do.

The venue, as with all venues, will have a maximum capacity which will be non negotiable, this is based on space and safety.

How awful. I've never in all my years experienced that - absolutely no, it's NOT normal. I'd be fuming

@Cluelessfirstimer I bet you have never been so pleased your DS couldn’t make a party. I don’t know if it’s the right thing to do to try and get everyone else to go to soft play as it’s not the DDs fault and it’s her that will be affected.

I think you did the right thing staying out of it personally.

My dc are in their 20's now, and I've never heard of this happening

Why on earth didn't she make up a BS story about miscalculating or only being made aware of limited numbers and see if anyone would drop out.

Surely if you cannot go to the party you tell the host because numbers matter. Someone else may not have been invited because the birthday child just named random names, party bags will have been organised with names written out. Just a message on a whats app group.

That's horrendous what an awful awful person!!!! How would she like it if it were her kids being treated as spares. I would give her a wide birth and I hope karma comes round to bite her ( not her kids though) x

No one does this that I'm aware of. For a lot of venues they have a max eg 18, you invite however many you want within that and pay a minimum eg 12 then just pay for those over the minimum who turn up. If people drop out closer to the time or don't rsvp then you invite some more periphery kids at that point. That's what we did - got a nursery list for 10 of his closest friends, added family/non nursery kids and any spaces left a month before we invited additional and took the risk that it may be obvious why the invite came late. It would be very hurtful to small children. That said I also don't agree with arranging a soft play alternative (unless only for those confirmed already as no longer going) as the only person being hurt here is the birthday child if people go to that instead and it is unfair to make them a pawn in adult disagreements

This is not normal. What an idiot.

The awful thing is that she actually chose which kids she didn't want there.

Why on earth did she not first ask for an update on attendance to check if there were any kids who could no longer come? And if not, then grovel and ask for volunteers/offer another treat with her child?

Noone is doing this.

I’m suffering from secondhand embarrassment for the two children who were publicly declared as spares who are no longer welcome.

I'm ASD. I wouldn't do this. And I find you blaming this behaviour on possible neurodiversity quite insulting.

Clearly she is out of order ... I cannot help but wonder how sensitive a parent she is!

The important thing is that everyone still invites her DD to their parties as it is not the child's fault that her mother has the sensitivity of a gnat!

Err.. excuse me?!? The mother's behaviour is so extremely rude and those poor uninvited children! How humiliating to be told your child was a "spare" in a group chat. What the hell?!? The mother probably ensured the daughter is never invited to another party again. I'm sure there were 2 spare adults she could have bumped instead of 2 of the invited children!

It is a huge faux pas. This sort of thing does stick.
Somethig similar happened to us. When my LB was in nursery, we decided to have a party. His nursery wouldn't give us a list of names so we had to use the letterboxes in the foyer to work out who was who and how many to invite. So I asked my husband to make a note of the names, the AM and PM were different colours(red and green). Unfortunately, he is colour blind so he accidentally invited some from the PM slot that my child didn't even know.
This wasn't an issue we had plenty of space. However someone came, realised that we had invited them by mistake as they didn't recognise anyone. Halfway through they left and took their gift with them. LMAO. We now know them as we have other kids in same year. I have never brought it up as its long been now.

I say everyone should still go as it isn't the child's fault. And then next year be wary of the mum. She obviously doesn't see how upsetting it is for the uninvited. I also think whatsapp groups are a bit like a school yard, be cautious of what is said.

JFC what an idiot!

It’s been a good few years since I hosted parties for my children but bloody hell, what was she thinking?!!!
I feel sorry for the ‘spare’ kids and her own poor child.

Irrespective of needs. The wording is very blunt and in a group chat, it would highlight to everyone that those are the people you value least. The message should have been private.

The whole other group thing is just as bad though. That is proper school yard behaviour. The poor little girl. I feel really bad for her. I would still go and just stay away from the mum. It would affect the gift for me. I would be inclined to get a token gift as I wouldn't want her to think that I thought it was ok. But I would not take this out on the child.

That's a fantastic story but I fear if you posted it on MN nowadays, your whole life would be questioned!!

Nursery groups are often a bit of an unknown, trying to figure out who "ecka" is etc (Erica).

This is CRAZY! Airlines do this, it's only fair she should take the same approach and start offering £50 not to come then raise the price at the gate til 3 people crack like they do on overbooked flights 😂

It's also true that on 2/3 of people can usually come to a party, so you discreetly invite more people once you've got your first round of RSVPs in... That's normal... I think? Please reassure me this what people do 😂