I dont want my eldest anymore and I need help

[breakingpoint3222]

I have 2 children. The youngest is 4. My eldest is 6. My youngest is a boy. My eldest is a girl.

Im not going to drip feed. Im going to give as much information as possible.

My eldest I believe is on the spectrum. We have been to the gp. We are on a waiting list. We are on waiting lists for things that school offers. School have flagged she is about 9 months behind and she is going to struggle in year 3. She's currently in year 2 and goes 7 at the end of this month.
She is violent at home. She has beaten me many times. She throws things at me, hits me, bites me, pulls my hair. She does the same to her little brother who is absolutely petrified of her.
She has to be in charge. Its very much her way or no way.
She has no respect for any adult. She rolls her eyes, speaks to me like im stupid, screams at me and her brother.
She doesnt sleep. That is usually when the violence starts. She isnt sleeping until 1 or 2 am. Shes exhausted.
As she's screaming and hitting me my youngest is also not sleeping properly and as he's just started reception this is hard
I cant give him any one to one attention when she's here. She hates my attention being on anything but her. She will pull my hair and scream. She will hurt him

School is a massive issue. She hates school. School have flagged no issues except her learning is behind. She refuses to go. Screaming and crying. We are usually late which again impacts on my youngest.

I have no support. My ex husband left when the youngest was born and apart from maintenance is not involved. I have no family.
I dont want to do this anymore.

Can your son live with your husband for a while so that you can focus solely on some strategies for your daughter? Even a week might help, but perhaps he doesn't do much childcare. Appalling that men can just walk away in this manner if so. You sound like a great mum, trying very hard.

OP my heart breaks for you and your DC.

You have dealt with so much and you are exhausted, that’s completely understandable .

Please order melatonin online today via biovea or similar.

please call your GP now and tell them you are in crisis, you need medication to help cope with your daughter. I really think anxiety meds or similar can help you in the interim.

You possibly need to get your daughter medicated, you need to push them for this and push the school. I wouldn’t be leaving school with your DC today until they are aware how broken you are.

Call social services ASAP (today)

Like a PP said, you could have a different child once she’s medicated and has maybe done some play therapy/ counselling etc. She needs urgent help

Some smacking is allowed by law. It can be used to halt a significant danger the child might be to themselves and to others. To stop immediate physical damage.
A thrashing and walloping and continued smacking are not legal.
But a restraining ‘no’ smack may not be such a terrible idea. If used properly.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5504501-can-we-give-up-one-of-our-children?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

This was my post and your daughter sounds so similar to mine. It is so hard.
Feel free to pm me if you want.

DC I'm so sorry for your situation. You have taken the first step which is to be honest about your situation and ask for help. Well done.

I would talk to the school. Today. Ask to see the teacher / head after school. Explain your home life is untenable. See what they suggest.

Phone your local social services. Tell them what you have told us. You can't go on and you need help. At the very least you need respite.

I would do these two things today and hopefully you will get help. Let us know how you get on xx

Smacking a disabled child is disgusting and there is no way to justify it. You can restrain a child without smacking them.

So I am so sorry it sounds very hard for you and your son.
you need to contact children’s social services asap as your son is at risk. They are there to help you they aren’t there to take kids away they’ll always try and keep families together. Alternatively speak to the school about contacting the school nurses as they take over from the health visitors.
in the meantime get a tall baby gate and install it in place of her door as it is more tricky for her to open. Just to be used at last resorts for extreme violence to protect yourself and your son.
Since attention is something she craves could you say “we can’t spend time together if you hit me” and withdraw the attention eg put her in her room for 5 minutes and come back and say “I’ll only play with you if you don’t hit”.
there’s a super nanny episode with a similar 4 year old boy who has violent tantrums maybe google it and he sounds very similar maybe have a look at that I’ve added the link

I didn't want to read and run, I could have written this for my 8yo a year ago. We have been in play therapy since the beginning of the year, worried with school to get her done 121 and I've started her on some of the novomins supplements which I swear have helped. It's so hard, especially when it is 100% aimed at you as the mother. My other half is still around but none of this behaviour was aimed at him. She is a complicated little girl. We are on the wait list for an ASD assessment too but who knows when that will come. I've seen another post about the schools senco, if they are good they can be a godsend. Good luck, I so hope it gets better for you. I feel like we are coming out of the other side now but I am still really nervous around her and I do worry about our long term relationship but then that's for me to work on.

It might be ok by the standards of our law but that doesn't make it ok. How can you teach a violent child not to be violent by using violence as the answer? It is a loss of control as a parent when you are trying to teach a kid to regulate their behaviour and ND kids learn massively through modelling good behaviours. There are other, more healthy ways to do this.
As adults, we aren't allowed to hit one another so why is it deemed ok to smack a child!?

Capa First Response | Together for safer families - Capa First Response https://share.google/6MvfFTTH4TdjEdN6c

This sounds so difficult.

We had this issue but only the one child.

This charity is good and the online seminars are free.

@breakingpoint3222 how are you doing? Last you said you were in tears in the car, are you okay? Please message so we know you’re okay. As you can see in there is a lot of advice here (ignore the bad ones!) with some people nearby you happy to meet up and lots in a similar situation. Might not be your typical village, but you’re creating a village here. You are not alone x

Gosh I feel for you. Has medication not been suggested. I have seen massive changes in children after meds.

We don’t know what is causing her behaviour actually. She has not been diagnosed with anything. People on the thread here have done that. And decided she is certainly one thing or another.
She is certainly very disturbed. And her mother needs urgent help.
My parents were not disgusting thankyou. I have a disability. And very rarely was smacked. Not thrashed or beaten or walloped. But a one off ‘no’. You don’t do that. I understood why it had been administered. I understood the concept of being naughty. And my disability is a neurological one.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/special_educational_needs/5484488-ehcp-support-thread-no-6?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

Please go and pick them up.
Call Samaritans when you need to talk. They’ll listen and be non-judgemental.

Call the GP first thing tomorrow for two urgent appointments. One for you, and one for your daughter - but explain she won’t be present.. hopefully they can’t combine into one appointment. Tell them you’re deeply depressed due to your daughter’s behaviour and need some anti-depressants. And also talk about anything to help your daughter sleep, anything else that could be potentially helpful. Explain these behaviours began when her father abandoned her, and you suspect she’s deeply traumatised and needs help.

Call SS today and explain you nearly didn’t pick them up today, you’re at breaking point and need help managing the behaviours of your traumatised daughter. You need help understanding, you can’t keep your son safe, or even yourself.

Given all the above, you show alarmingly little curiosity or insight into the parenting of a ND child

That discussion is a whole new thread.
I did not make the law. Just advised people it does exist. I agree that many times it should not be done and can follow your points.

No I just think people don’t understand where I am coming from. And leap into responding.

With Torretz, they are aware they are saying something often awful and are usually deeply embarrassed during and after. And very apologetic. They know they’re saying something but no control over what they say.
I imagine it’s something similar.

This is a derail and not assisting the op. There's not much to be gained from conversing further.

Do you know how long it would take to get a diagnosis? It doesn't mean they are any less disabled. OP believes her child is Autistic and people on the thread have responded to that.

Even if she is just 'disturbed' or even has some trauma, no professional is going to recommend smacking and that's for very good reason.

Unless you also have Autism, I'm not sure why what you did or didn't understand as a child is relevant and even then, Autism is a spectrum.

I stand by the fact that smacking a disabled child is disgusting.

Thank you for everyone's replies. Ive read each and every one. And I will take the offer to message some people.
The father of both the children is not involved. He sends maintenance monthly on the 1st. I have no way of getting in touch with him. He has made it very clear his only involvement is a financial one.

Im going to call the gp tomorrow.
I wont be hitting her. I do defend myself. And I have hurt her in doing so. Last night for example I pushed her off me as she was punching me and she did fall back and hurt herself. Sometimes this shocks her out of it and she cries and we move on, other times it adds fuel to the fire. I refuse to be a sitting target
School haven't responded.
I really just want to drive away. This is not the parenting I wanted.
Someone asked if my daugter knows how I feel. We've had chats about feelings and how we cant hurt people. But I am more on edge around her and I cant hide that. I will more freely give my son hugs and kisses because when I hug her she might pull my hair. Or bite me.

Or scream in my ear
She is a very touchy child. Very affectionate when she wants to be but she might also turn around and bite.
Im just so tired. I want a full night's sleep.

The pp didn’t mention diagnosis. She said disabled. Someone doesn’t have to have a diagnosis to be considered disabled.

Just because you understood the concept of naughty doesn’t mean all can.

Just because you were smacked doesn’t mean smacking a disabled child is the right thing to do. It isn’t.

Its doesn't help how you feel today op but citizens advice helped me, as did the job centre, I have a little DLA for DC which helps for some sensory equipment

It takes a while but it can come in the midst of EHCP purgatory

The money doesn't magically fix burnout but further down the line it does mean you have an allocated small fund for things that can be adaptive or sensory etc

@breakingpoint3222 Are you employed or self-employed? As it sounds like you are at serious risk (MH / stress / burnout) maybe when you speak to the GP you should ask them to sign you off work. Perhaps you need some time when your dc are at school to just recover / sleep / and put the wheels in motion for whatever support / applications you need to apply for / research. You can’t carry on like this - it sounds like you are ready to tip over the edge. Think aeroplane safety - you have to put your own oxygen mask on first before you help anyone else.