How would you deal with a six year old speaking rudely daily?

[Samsung1122]

How would you handle a 6 yr old speaking rudely on a daily basis.

points at me and says “you stop telling me what to do” he does this infront of people and even at home.

he says “your a liar”

“oh shut up”

if someone says how’s the meal or how’s school been he just says “stupid” everything is “stupid”

“go get me food now”

im starting to get really fed up with it now i have explained we dont use these words and to speak respectfully but he donsnt seem to listen, me and his father do not use this language at home.

we went to the dentist today and he started telling me to shut up and that im not the boss of him and can’t tell him what to do and even turned and said the same to the dentist, then at the end proceeded to say I don’t want to see you again to the dentist 😩😲.

I had this with ds2. It is HARD to deal with but honestly, what has helped massively, is absolyte zero tolerance. He got pulled up on it every time. For me, it was more the tone than the words that were the issue.

But if he said "got me food now" i would just walk away and not get the food. Its a natural consequence.

We had conversations at calm times, explaining that it was not appropriate to speak to people like that, and I wont tokerate it, and there will be consequences. He is such a good, livibg boy in other ways.

We had rather more stern exchanges at times where I told him he was a CHILD and does not get to dictate to me.

We had an occasion where i removed screen time for 1 day every time he was rude. He really pushed it and went from 1 day to 15 days in the space of about 30 minutes. And i did stick to it

Stop any viewing of youtube shite, this does not help.

Good luck, you can turn this around with firm boundaries and consistency.

Looking at this from a slightly different point of view, there is a huge hormone shift around this age. I have noticed it with DD (also 6) and her friends parents have too.

They are testing boundaries - so, if you don't have them in place, you need to, and if you do, make sure you hold the line and reinforce consequences that make sense to them, rather than ones that are abitrary or delayed to make the cause/effect very clear.

Consistency is very much key, as it's easy to let things slip.

I don’t think Dad has been mentioned, he has to be completely on board for this to work. Grandparents too if they see child regularly. Absolutely no undermining of the strategies from outsiders.

The walking away strategy can be applied at home. It is not ‘ignore the behavior’, it is ‘don’t feed the behavior’ by giving energy to it. The first couple of times you need to say what you are doing. “Im going into the kitchen to make a cup of tea. If you want X and you ask me nicely then you will get it” Aftrr a couple of times a stern look and walk away will do. So you are not just ignoring.

When you are out and about of course you cannot walk away. This is where two people becomes useful. The sequence is that child is rude, the parent involved asks the other parent to take the child eg “Daddy, DS has just been very rude to …. Can you please take his hand while he thinks about how he can start being nice?” Dad takes over and says absolutely nothing for six minutes (one minute per year of life). Then asks child to repeat politely. Rinse and repeat until child learns. It might get worse to begin with as boundaries are explored.

Where consequences are involved ( and there have to be consequences) I want to comment about your lovely car chat. You talk about Game Boy and TV taken away “for a day or two”. Be clear whether it is for “a day” or for “two days”. When you put away the device you have to be clear “You were rude so I am putting away your game boy until tomorrow afternoon. When you show us you are respectful then you will get it back”. All of this should be said in your best headmaster voice. Low tone, slow rate and very impartial.

When you give the toy back you can say something like “ now you are learning not to listen to your brain when it tells you to be rude. You know we don’t use rude words in our family”.

Good luck. Stay strong because you can change this. I would love you to give feedback about how it worked. I am hoping for you that by the summer holidays you have cracked it. Be consistent though.

Sorry but I don’t think excuses about “hormone shifts” are helpful. I have seen so many weak parents use those excuses over the years to minimise vile behaviour.

Funny how those kids whose parents parent effectively who also presumably have the same “hormone shifts” manage not to be rude little sods.

@JuliettaCaeser I agree, the same with teenagers, some people just seem to give up parenting teenagers because they think poor attitude and behaviour is inevitable. It is if you give up!

@JuliettaCaeser & @jsgahoencake

Agreed. Our 9y/o is in early puberty (confirmed by a paediatrician) and I’m still not accepting attitude or yelling to get things.

It is very confusing for him, his hormones are through the roof, but we have bare minimum expectations and I won’t be changing them for the next few years while he’s in puberty.

Exactly. It’s not that hard. “I know you may be feeling abit mixed up at the moment but you can’t talk to me or anyone else like like that. I’ll leave you alone until you’ve had a chance to calm down”

Explanations aren't necessarily excuses. Understanding the whys behind a behaviour makes you better equipped to deal with them. If you understand there are hormones involved then you know it isn't malicious and you can think about whether you see it worse when their basics (sleep, diet, etc) aren't on form, and get that in check. You can do this AND set high expectations for behaviour, with grace.

He’s learning. It has to be both “we don’t accept that language” and “I’m your parent and it’s my job to help you when you’re struggling” be curious about the feelings beneath the behaviour, always

I used to say “I’m terribly sorry but I don’t understand rude children would you like to repeat that? Sorry still don’t understand, would you like to say that again? Until they’re polite

When they say “you’re not the boss of me” I used to say, but that’s where you’re wrong. I am the boss of you. M the mummy and you’re 6 (or whatever) and if all else failed “oh well never mind, I’m sure you didn’t want any treats so that’s fine”

to be honest I’ll still do similar with my 16 year old on the odd occasion he’s rude to me. “That’s rude, do you want to think about what you’re saying and ask me again” but most importantly no, I’m not bro / mate / chungus or the latest thing they try to call me

That dentist would have thought he is a rude little boy and he is being. You need to be on him for it every time he does it.

Hi,

I just wanted to give an update on this thread.

I had some very helpful feedback.

A week after this post i spoke to my child on the way to scchool and we just spoke about rude ways to speak to people and gave each other some examples and then we did the same about polite and nice things to say to people, i mentioned some examples of both that he does with me but didnt directly say you do this or that, it was just a chilled conversation.

the next day he asked for something without please and i said oops that did sound polite and he said it nicely then later on he was in a frump about something and he started speaking rudley and i said from now on when your rude i wont answer or acknowledge what your saying, this happened for a few days but wow what a change hes litterly been a joy to be around, oh hes had his moments and hes tested me like any other child but it was like a switch, its something we work on daily and with his adhd diognosis i know that i need to remain consistent.

thank you to everyone who posted and helped and if theres any mums or dads in the same situation there is hope just find your way and what works for you and your child.

So pleased that the strategies worked - and that you came back with feedback. Establishing the boundaries and being consistent is the key.

That's a great outcome @Samsung1122!

I think sometimes we expect kids to just naturally pick up on social cues / behaviour expectations. And some of them do. But sometimes getting really clear about what is ok/not ok and what you will respond to and how is the way forward.

That's great to hear! Kids need us to teach them how to behave, which you have done. Well done! Thank you for updating us.

A week after this post i spoke to my child on the way to scchool and we just spoke about rude ways to speak to people and gave each other some examples and then we did the same about polite and nice things to say to people, i mentioned some examples of both that he does with me but didnt directly say you do this or that, it was just a chilled conversation.

I love this as a technique. Such a brilliant way to teach them something without it feeling like an attack to them.