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Parenting

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How would you deal with a six year old speaking rudely daily?

72 replies

Samsung1122 · 26/05/2026 20:21

How would you handle a 6 yr old speaking rudely on a daily basis.

points at me and says “you stop telling me what to do” he does this infront of people and even at home.

he says “your a liar”

“oh shut up”

if someone says how’s the meal or how’s school been he just says “stupid” everything is “stupid”

“go get me food now”

im starting to get really fed up with it now i have explained we dont use these words and to speak respectfully but he donsnt seem to listen, me and his father do not use this language at home.

we went to the dentist today and he started telling me to shut up and that im not the boss of him and can’t tell him what to do and even turned and said the same to the dentist, then at the end proceeded to say I don’t want to see you again to the dentist 😩😲.

OP posts:
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ChalkOutlines · 27/05/2026 19:35

GoldenGail · 27/05/2026 19:28

As an auld Granny who raised her kids when it was all very different …when I read these posts you have no idea how much I want to say “I would have smacked his arse and he wouldn’t have done it again “.

A raised eyebrow and a stern “excuse me?” works just as well. When it doesn’t, a beating wouldn’t either.

SleeplessInWherever · 27/05/2026 19:37

midsummabreak · 26/05/2026 20:50

Keep using your kind voice, not angry voice, and explaining what is ok to say, but it would be a benefit to seek guidance from a professional psychologist, for appropriate guidance for positive change, and support for you as parents., taking intro account his strengths and abilities and situation, as a six year old trying to figure out how to make the most of his day to day life

This is absolutely not what you do.

I have an autistic kid who has limited language and what he does have comes with attitude.

He will shout SANDDWWWWIIIICH until someone brings him one.

I can tell you that he gets the sum total of zero sandwiches while he’s shouting for them. He doesn’t go out for a drive until he’s stopped demanding one, if he’s yelling or being “rude” - he gets precisely nothing.

We also have a problem with refusal. “It’s bath time” …. “No.” Great, but that wasn’t a question, so not sure what you’re saying no to.

If he’s refusing to follow basic instructions that he is capable of - the TV goes off, the iPad gets taken away, and you can have those things back when you’ve followed that instruction.

I’m afraid it’s toughen up time OP, 6 is old enough to know and be taught better.

hiredandsqueak · 27/05/2026 19:51

I used to say,with a raised eyebrow,"Excuse me did you mean to be rude just then or did you forget your good manners?" This was their cue to rephrase whatever they had said. If they did so I would comment "Much better, lovely manners" and we would move on. If they didn't I'd tell them I wasn't going to listen to any rudeness so they should go out of the room until they were ready to speak nicely. I would expect them to apologise when they came to find me and to rephrase what they had said. They could be as stubborn as they chose but nothing would be happening until they had come to find me.

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jsgahoencake · 27/05/2026 20:01

I am absolutely not team ignore it, would you ignore an adult who was rude to you? How will he learn that what he’s doing is entirely unacceptable if you do not pull him up on it straight away? It needs to be treated as abruptly as you would if he hit you.

I’m the old school kind of parent who has a tone and a stare that would stop my kids in their tracks if they remotely tried something like that, courtesy of my mum. I am frequently told how wonderfully polite my children are. If you nip this in the bud now, you won’t be dealing with it when he’s a teenager.

Judecb · 27/05/2026 20:56

You need to start setting boundaries and becoming strict with him. Right now, it seems like he's in charge!!

TheBlueKoala · 27/05/2026 21:00

@Samsung1122 How can that not make your blood boil? I mean my kids know that I would go hard on them if they ever talked to me like that...so they don't.

jsgahoencake · 27/05/2026 21:16

@TheBlueKoala exactly, I despair at all this talk of “kind voices” and just ignoring disrespectful misbehaviour, it’s no wonder schools are struggling like they are.

BertieBotts · 27/05/2026 21:53

I mean the obvious answer is think up a very boring token consequence (e.g. time out, loss of privilege) and start imposing it every time it happens, with one chance/warning to correct his tone. And/or pause all interaction until he corrects it (e.g. if he is asking for a drink you only get the drink if he asks nicely).

What happens if you do that? Because just telling him you don't like it doesn't seem to be working.

OTOH if it's happening every day I wonder is he even aware that he's doing it? Does he know the difference between speaking politely and having a tone full of attitude? Does he ever self-correct e.g. in response to a look or an "Excuse me?", does he use the same kind of speech with other adults? If you talk to him about tone, does he understand that the way you speak/the words you use can have an effect on how the person receives the message?

Is it possible that adults in the family tend to put emotion emphatically into their tone, ie, do you/your partner often speak to him (or each other, or to yourselves/inanimate objects, possibly as a joke) in an exasperated or irritable way, perhaps if his behaviour is especially annoying? Is his tone objectively rude, or does it sound rude because it sounds like the kind of language/tone an adult would use to chastise a child? I could imagine an adult, not unkindly but firmly saying e.g. "Go get your shoes, now" - is he mimicking this?

Has this come out of nowhere, or have you always generally accepted him expressing emotion using tone and only recently have started to reflect that it feels rude/think he ought to have got the hang of tone by now?

I ask the last 3 because DS2 (age 7) can be absolutely terrible for all of this and consequences have little to no effect on it, but I've come to realise it's a combination of these things. He has ADHD (possibly ASD as well) and I genuinely think a lot of the time he's completely unaware of the tone of his voice but also when he gets caught up in an emotion or righteous indignation he just loses track of everything and gets fixated on whatever he sees as not being right. He can't just drop it and leave it, he won't even hear you if you try to interject, he gets more and more worked up which makes him come across as more aggressive. It's only been recently that I've been able to try and talk to him about the effects of tone, because his attention span was so extremely short before he started medication, but we've started doing it as a game (e.g. playing shops/café) where we pretend to be very posh ladies/gentlemen and ask each other in the most exaggerated way "Oh excuse me, please, if it's not too much trouble, could you possibly, possibly, please, pretty please with sugar on top pass me a napkin? Thanks awfully, old chum. Oh you are a dear, dear friend!" Or we think of the rudest possible way to speak to each other (silly, child friendly versions of rude only) and then the other person pretends to be mock outraged or upset - which also tends to invoke hilarity. But anyway doing this kind of thing as a game tends to highlight the difference and means we can revert to a toned down version in everyday life. If you name the characters as well (e.g. Lady Ponsonby-Smythe vs Mr. Rudy Layabout, or Robin Banks) then it works as a helpful shorthand in the moment because rather than going down the correction/warning path which can just wind some kids up, you can say "Hang on, I thought I heard Mr. Layabout just now, I didn't know he was here today, I thought I was talking to Joey?" that often gets them to giggle and self-correct.

But also, DH pointed out about a year ago that when I get stressed out I used to tend to raise the tone and volume of my voice as well and I'd start chuntering away to myself stuff like "Oh my GOD! Where are my stupid shoes?? Where have I left them now? For goodness sake!!" etc. I don't mean anything aggressive by it, and probably do it as a self-deprecating exasperated humour thing but young children (especially if they are ND but really any children) don't pick up on this as funny, they just see it as either a stressful thing or a normal way to express that you are feeling angry/frustrated. So I stopped doing that because I realised it wasn't giving a very good example. The bit I find harder and I think DH does as well is that when DS is on a wind up, or starts up at you or e.g. if he starts up at his sibling, the natural response is to snap back, or get right into that "firm adult" tone, to shut it down and get him to see it's unacceptable - but it doesn't really work, it might get him to stop talking but it rarely ever gets him to drop the attitude, he still feels hard done by, sometimes it just raises the overall volume of the conversation and fuels an explosion - I think what it's actually modelling to DS is that when you're unhappy with someone, it's acceptable to raise your voice at them, which is not the message we are intending at all. So I have been trying really hard to consciously stop doing this. However that's much harder to do. The best thing I've found for this is to have a go-to replacement, so what's working for me at the moment is to use words like hang on/hold on, just a sec, or stop/pause/rewind - this tends to insert enough space into the conversation that I can use a calmer/kinder tone to make my own request or point out that the way he's speaking is unkind, rather than feeling that I need to use authority in my voice to override the conversation, which he doesn't recognise as an adult-only thing and tries to use on everyone else. I can't stop other adults (e.g. at school) from using an authoritative voice around DS, but at least I can avoid doing it at home and have it as a clear expectation that we don't do that in our family.

Warmlight1 · 27/05/2026 22:45

What is he watching? Wondering if there's a specific source of the phrases

Kerensa70 · Yesterday 00:01

TeaIsLovely · 26/05/2026 20:45

Well - assume kids pick up language used in their presence…so….

No OP has clearly said it’s not how they talk at home and is not looking for judgement but advice. My daughter beefed up a bit in attitude when she was reading Tracey Beaker books. I was baffled at first at the change, friends, books are a huge influence. Think Jacqueline Wilson books are pretty awful actually.

ImDoingItImDoingDoubleDenim · Yesterday 00:14

BridgetJonesV2 · 26/05/2026 20:29

Walk away. Each and every time no matter where you are or what you are doing. No reaction to this is the only way forward. I went through this with my eldest and it soon cracked it.

What would you do if you were out though? At the shops / dentist whatever.

I’ve used this technique at home but never sure what to do when we are out.

likewise I’ve said “ok well we are not going out until you behave” then just sat down and read a book or something….but what do you do when you NEED to be somewhere?

mathanxiety · Yesterday 02:37

Get down to eye level with him, hold his shoulders firmly, and tell him in a low and deadly serious voice that nobody speaks to you like that. Repeat 'nobody'.

Make sure he is sanctioned every single time, and that he apologises. If his father is around, input from him is vital.

Sanctions include no dessert, no TV, cancelation of trips, birthday parties, and early bedtime.

mathanxiety · Yesterday 02:44

OldCrohn · 27/05/2026 19:31

There's a happy medium between ignoring it and beating them.

There's nothing like hyperbole, is there?

A smack does not equal a beating.

mathanxiety · Yesterday 02:48

Strokethefurrywall · 27/05/2026 01:32

How about giving him a reaction he actually doesn’t like. Being shouted at to shut down a bad attitude isn’t going to harm him, and clearly explaining nicely isn’t getting you anywhere.

I think the one and only time my eldest spoke to me like that in a jokey way I absolutely roared at him and sent him to his room.
Nobody ever speaks to me like that and I’m sure as hell not raising a brat who thinks he can.

This.

lxn889121 · Yesterday 04:10

It is interesting to see the two parenting styles. I'd imagine both would be effective, but it depends on the child. Both are rooted in instilling a little fear.

Walking away/ignoring is instilling the fear of your parent not loving/caring for you. The child feels sad/ignored/not loved. They learn to alter their language to avoid this feeling

Quick and harsh reaction back is instilling fear of your parents anger/punishment . Similarly the child learns to alter their language to avoid it.

Personally I prefer the second because I would rather my child feared a reaction from me, than feared me removing love/affection. It does annoy me a bit, because I see more modern parents choosing the first option (which is fine and will work...) and then acting more superior because "I don't get angry with my kid" without realizing that they are utilizing fear in just the same way as the other parents, just a different more emotional type of fear.

JuliettaCaeser · Yesterday 10:32

I agree with this. The weird blanking and walking away is actually worse than a firm clear negative reaction. It’s quite emotionally manipulative and frightening for them to withdraw from a child. Much clearer to firmly tell them to stop.

JuliettaCaeser · Yesterday 10:33

Stroke we did the same. Right from the start. As we explained we don’t talk to each other or you like that. That is not how we talk to people.

Also if you put up with it that’s how hemay treat his friends parents and believe me they will not be impressed.

OriginalSkang · Yesterday 10:40

What do you say when he says things like that?

CrotchetyQuaver · Yesterday 10:50

I'd come down on him like a ton of bricks every single time and do everything I could to restrict his interactions with the source of the behaviour, which appears to be his friend.

CrotchetyQuaver · Yesterday 10:54

Oh and also check up on what he's watching/reading. I had similar issues with atttitude problems in my DD stemming from Tracy Beaker, my mother pointed the finger at Grange Hill and my attitude back in the day...

ToadRage · Yesterday 11:00

Where did he learn to speak this way? These mannerisms don't come out of nowhere. They are a learnt behaviour. He either heard another child/adult speak like this or he has heard it from you.

mambojambodothetango · Today 16:09

Whatever you do, follow through. You say you're 'starting to get fed up of it now'. You really should have said nope, that's not happening, right after the first time. But it's not too late - just stick to your guns. The least effective parenting I've seen is when one or both parents regularly says 'right! That's it! I've had enough' and then gives up when the child doesn't stop the bad behaviour.

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