Old Mum in the playground - I'm being silly, I know

[SugarSW7]

This is really silly. I've been friendly to a new mum at the school playground. Both our kids are in reception. We get on, but I'm an old mum. She told me, this week, that I'm the most friendly of the mums. I get the impression she wants to be friends.
She said to me that when she first saw me, she didn't think I would speak to her as I seemed posh. She asked my age, I said 40. She was floored. Shocked. She did go on to day how "I look amazing for my age". I know it was meant as a compliment, but it just made me feel ancient. She's late 20s. I never wanted to be an old mum, but i didn't meet my husband til i was 29. We got married even i was 30, we had lots of miscarriages then we had 3 kids within 3 and a half years. The oldest is 7.
Its really got to me, as i was always scared of this happening - being the old mum in the playground. I'm so embarrassed.

You are not old she is young and probably worries she gets judged for that. I turned 40 when my dc were at primary school. I had a friend that was 10 years older but there were mums that were much younger also. I think the average age to have a baby is 31 in this country. Lots of people react to my age and think I look younger as a non Botox fan I take it as a compliment!

This happened to me yesterday. I’m a young mum (16 and 18 when I had dc) a mum at the school who I’d always thought was a fellow young mum said she was 35. I was genuinely shocked and told her how good she looks for her age (she looks a good ten years younger). Thought this was a compliment no?

I’m also now a little paranoid I may be the youngest there 😂

So you had your child at 35 and now consider yourself old to have a 5 year old? That's a bit weird. I have a reception aged child and I am 42, I don't consider that I was old when I was pregnant at 36 and had her at 37. I'm not remotely the oldest parent at school, there's at least 8 mums in their mid to late 40's and 1 is 51. I don't live in a trendy part of London or anything, I live in the north, and my children go to a normal village primary school. I chose to have my first child at 32 having met my husband at uni aged 20.

Why would having children in your 20's be better? My 20's were about travel, nights out, establishing a career and buying a house. In my 30's I got engaged, married and started a family. I'd say I was more the norm where I live, I'm about middle when it comes to age. There are quite a few dads in their late 50's and early 60's too in both my children's classes, no one bats an eyelid. I only know 1 mum at school in her 20's, she seems very young, she has 5 children, she definitely sticks out more than the over 40's crowd!

I really don't think you should be worrying about your age though, even if you were mid 50's with a 5 year old what does it matter?

When my brother was 14 and I was 12, my mum had a "surprise baby". This was over 50 years ago. She was 37 which by today's standards is pretty youthful 😀 my mum felt slightly embarrassed (she told us this years later) that she thought she would be an old woman amid the youngsters in their 20s, but when she was in the maternity ward ( back when mothers were kept in for 10 days) she was far from the oldest mother. There were 3 or 4 other women in their mid 40s who thiught they were in the menopause. No they werent, they were pregnant!! 😅😆

DD is year 1. The oldest mum is 51. The youngest is 24. (And they are close friends). The oldest dad is 69 (not sure about the youngest). You are not old.

I am a couple of years into my 40s, and I don't feel old in the playground. DD's best friends have parents who are around 40 (a couple of years each side)

Oh yes, certainly a compliment. It's just the shock can make you feel like "Oh, right, so it's old?!" 😆

You’re not old. I was the same age when I had mine and in our school most mums are a similar age and there are only a couple of young mums!

I am 40 with a 7yo and almost 4yo and can’t say I’ve ever felt like this! I don’t feel old at all. In fact I’d say I’m pretty average age at the school gates, there are parents younger than me and parents older than me, but late 30s/early 40s seems pretty standard.

One of my mum friends is 29 but the age gap has never really been relevant to our friendship. We have kids the same age so are in the same ‘life stage’ as it were.

Almost everyone I know had kids in the age range you had them.

Years ago, when I was about 30, I found out the age of a colleague (mid 40s) and was genuinely astonished. Until then, I'd figured she was maybe my age or a couple of years older. I remember she said she was an older mum and I said 'I suppose so'. I cringe now but I was just so surprised. She had one child when she was 40.

40nisnnoot old, I am old enough to comfortably be your mother and I am not old. I had my last child at 40, and never even considered the playground age thing.
All sorts of people drop off kids-parents, grandparents, older adult siblings, childminders, uncles, aunties, neighbours, social workers, drivers, not a uniform crowd of "acceptably aged mothers"

Your head needs a wobble if you feel old at 40. Seriously. You have not even reached halfway through your life span. Are you going to spend the next half of your life feeling old? Don't waste precious years.

And your friend is rude btw.

I’m 46 with a 5 year old - she’s nearly 6 to be fair.

I don’t feel all that different from any of the other mums honestly, I’m not even the oldest mum in the class and I just don’t really think about it. Like you I’d have loved children sooner but life and fertility didn’t work out that way so we are where we are.

I too get people thinking they’re being kind saying ‘what, you don’t look 46, you can’t possibly be’ etc etc. I do indeed look 46, because I am 46! They are being kind but also 46 is not some terrible thing to be.

I am pregnant at 40 and all I can feel is grateful that I can have a second child.

This is an IVF pregnancy and before people make a think of it my age was irrelevant to that. It was purely down to medical situation. My first child required treatment too.

I was almost 41 when my second was born, so 45 when he started in Reception. It never occurred to me that other mums would think I was old. All you need to do is tell yourself that she is clearly very ignorant. Aren’t most new mums now in their 30s?

In the UK your age of giving birth is closer to the average (30.9) than hers: https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/birthsdeathsandmarriages/livebirths/bulletins/birthcharacteristicsinenglandandwales/2021

Depends on where you live I suppose. My friend gave birth at 34 and thought she’d be considered a geriatric mum. She was in Chelsea and her doctor mentioned it’s uncommon for them to see mums under 35.

Personally amongst my current friends and colleagues there isn’t anyone who’s given birth before reaching 30.

It sounds more like she’s slightly in awe of you.

You're 40 and look great ..she didn't say fuck I thought you were their nan...move on

There’s a mum who’s 53 with a 10 year old, nobody treats her any differently. I don’t know everyone’s ages but I’m going to guess she’s about 10 years older than the majority and there’s a few younger mums too. There’s been the odd occasion new families to the school or grandparents have assumed she’s gran but she gracefully laughs it off. She’s really nice actually, has lots of mum friends. I really wouldn’t worry about it.

I think it was probably the OTT shocked reaction that bothered you more than anything else. I think she may have led rather a sheltered life if she thinks that you are unusual!
I was a young mum when my first started school and an old mum when my last started school. My eldest is now at independent secondary school and I’d guess I’m about 15 years younger than most of the other parents, which also seems to lead to suspicious looks!

I’m 40- my oldest is 13 and youngest is 7. At oldest’s school I’m one of the young mums and at youngest I'm one of the older ones- I speak to everyone and anyone. Don't let this get you down, just make friends that are right for you, regardless of age x

"Don't waste precious years". The thread was with making just for this perspective.

I really appreciate all the replies and being told to sort my head out 😆

I would have been happy with that in comparison to something I received. My DC was doing a summer job at my work. She was 15. A colleague sad “ you look fantastic for your age” and I asked what do you mean “she said well you don’t look 50”. I was only 39 at the time and she had just assumed I had my daughter mid 30s.

Had my last at 44!!! So you’d be a young mum to me! I have never had any mum say anything about my age, if they ask (usually because I’m wittering on about menopause hahaha) and I say they’re usually impressed that they didn’t realise I’m pushing mid fifties, I take that as a compliment rather than an insult.

Honestly glad to see you’ve given your head a wobble!

Its hard making mum friends who you gel with, be proud that this mum has sought you out for mum support, you must be a lovely person and she recognises that!

Get back to me when you have your children (with no interventions) at 37 and 47.
In my experience, the other mums you talk to generally think you're about their age and are surprised to find out your real age.
I have school mum friends and I'm still chugging along , although I don't have to do school runs as DS 2 is 14 now. 😁

I’ve had it both ways. When I had my first, I was 21. I lived in a very middle class area back then where women tended to have careers then children. I also looked very young, so when ds started school and I was 25/26, a lot of the other parents assumed I was the nanny, or I would get head tilts and “oh bless you, it must be hard being a single mum” (um.. I was married!)

I am 46 now with a 5 year old and I live in a place where it’s the opposite of where I am from. Most people have children very young. Some of the parents in my 5 year olds class are the same age as my eldest child. They tell me thier mums are the same age as me.

Two of my (35) favourite Y2 guardians are 42 year old mum and a 49 year old gran! I might have accidentally embarrassed them both at some point but I talk to them both so much I hope they realise it wasn’t intentional. They’re super with their little ones.