Old Mum in the playground - I'm being silly, I know

[SugarSW7]

This is really silly. I've been friendly to a new mum at the school playground. Both our kids are in reception. We get on, but I'm an old mum. She told me, this week, that I'm the most friendly of the mums. I get the impression she wants to be friends.
She said to me that when she first saw me, she didn't think I would speak to her as I seemed posh. She asked my age, I said 40. She was floored. Shocked. She did go on to day how "I look amazing for my age". I know it was meant as a compliment, but it just made me feel ancient. She's late 20s. I never wanted to be an old mum, but i didn't meet my husband til i was 29. We got married even i was 30, we had lots of miscarriages then we had 3 kids within 3 and a half years. The oldest is 7.
Its really got to me, as i was always scared of this happening - being the old mum in the playground. I'm so embarrassed.

Sorry, OP, but what on earth is this post? 40 with two primary age kids is 100% unremarkable. I’d be infinitely more surprised to meet a 20-something mum in my kids class.

FYI, I am 41 with two 8yr olds, and there is only one mum younger than me in their class.

My mum had me when she was 38 in the late 80s and I remember other children commenting on how old she was and I felt a bit embarrassed but that would never happen now- it’s so much more normalised to have kids later. I actually have the opposite, I assume all the mums at school are the same age as me and I’m shocked when they are in their late 20s or early 30s! (I’m 40 next year and my eldest is 6).

I think it can be the area you live in- I live in a small, fairly deprived city where a lot of people don’t go to university and have children younger. My friends who live in Bristol or London tend to find women had babies later in life. Neither is right or wrong, but I’m personally happy with the life I had before children and can now focus on them more, knowing I’ve had a lot of adventures in my 20s and 30s!

I had my second at 47, first at 37. He's 14 now and I don't have to go to school. I didn't care when I did. Nobody was anything other than accepting.

Ah, you’re the same as me - I was 36 when I had DS1 and 40 with DS2. Yes, I’m older than some of the Mums in the playground, but because of the kids, we have common than not.

Are you sure she wasn’t shocked because you look young for your age, rather than shocked because you are such an old Mum (which you aren’t by the way!)
It wouldn’t make sense if if were the latter because you simply aren’t an old Mum and I would question her general awareness if she thought so. Unless there is a typo and you are actually 60!

I had my only at 39 and was 44 when he went to school. Jesus, get a grip.

Enjoy who you are. You have experience (and hopefully resources) that the younger ones won’t have. I also think women age prematurely when saddled with the responsibility of kids.

By the time I had DC1 at 36, I’d lived and worked on different continents, travelled extensively, partied and bought myself all the designed bags and shoes I wanted and felt a bit bored 😂

I was 41 dropping off my eldest at infants for the first time. I actually felt a bit sad for the younger mums, some barely hitting 20. They’d only left the local school themselves a few years earlier!

Actually I felt more sorry for the grannies who were younger than me and had obviously been lumped with parenting grandkids!! 😂

This. I had my youngest at 39. He's 7 now...I can honestly say I don't think about the age of any of the parents, myself included.

Average age of having 1st child is now 30. So average mother with a 7 yo is 37 and older with successive kids.
You’re a nudge above average.
Stop fretting

Love this answer - absolutely nails it. OP please listen to it.

Am I the only one who thinks it odd that she even asked how old you are??

Old?? My dd had hers at 38, 39, and nearly 43. She has a lot of friends similar. Hardly unusual nowadays!

Her reaction was probably because you look amazing! Like have very nice skin or something. You're a completely average age for the age of your kids where I live! And anyway aging is a privilege :) let it go.

At my kids primary school there are many older parents, lots in their 50s, some even in their 60s. My sounds friend's dad is in his 70s.
At 40, there are lots of pregnant mums there.
You're not old at all.

I just dropped my jaw on the floor. Old. Give me a break. All the mums are that age at my daughter’s school. I thought you were going say 55 😂😂

I think this reaction is common in young people.

I remember being told I ‘ didn’t look my age’ and acted really young by a bunch of 21 year olds when I was 30.

I think young people think 30,40,50 is ancient and then are shocked when they meet people that age who are still attractive and not behaving like their grandparents!

I’m sorry but this was the awful attitude I came across when I had my youngest at 21. I lived in an area which was mainly full of women like you. My god, they looked down their noses at me. The poor little thing who’d had a child and now her life was over. I lost all my friends from school days too. They were finishing uni and thought the same - that my life was over. I couldn’t even make friends through my child as the other mums at playgroups would be bitchy about me being so young, laughing and saying they thought i was one one the nannies, then assuming that I was some single mum off the estate who didn’t belong in their leafy suburb.

Let me assure you, I didn’t have a career because me and my husband didn’t need the money. I’ve travelled the world and lived on four different continents, and if I was any way remotely interested in designer bags, I could have bought them.

In fact, I was far better off at 21 than I am now at 46, but it’s sad you would have felt sorry for me back then due to the age me and my husband decided to start our family, just like all the other women back then who only saw my age and not me as a person, and made sweeping assumptions.

i know not every 21 year old with a baby would be like I was, but how awful to look down on people like that. Maybe they don’t want designer bags or to work abroad? Maybe they are enjoying who they are despite the horror of having a child young? It says a lot more about you than them.

I was a bit older than you were when I had my child. Never felt old around the other mums. In the nicest possible way, I think you need to get a grip and pursue the friendship if you get along with her

Having children in your late 30s is not unusual. In my area you'd be young - I'm 46 with a year 1 child. I'm one of the older ones but not the oldest. One mum and several of the dads are in in their 50s and I'd say the majority of the Yr 1 parents are in their 40s.

I don't dare tell the other mums how old I am - 44 when DS was born and DD is 2 1/2 years younger.
At my 50th I had a 2 year old. Just coming up to my 60th and she's our first in a secondary school as DS is in specialist.
I'm not retiring while they are still in school as there's no point, we still wouldn't be able to take term time holidays!

Maybe it’s luck, or the demographic of the school, or even the birth order of the children in the class, but you aren’t an old mum. When my youngest (who I had when I was 30, so bang average!) started school, I was a young mum in that class.

When you’re younger, you can be rather clumsy when talking about age - I know I was - I think it was an ill-landed compliment, but even if it wasn’t, I think I’d choose to see it one if I were you!

The other day I was at the GP, and when I booked in for my follow up at reception, they asked my year of birth. When I gave it (mid 70s) two teenage girls behind me burst into laughter, like it was literally the funniest thing they'd ever heard. Ridiculous and stupid. I was so tempted to turn around and tell them they'd be lucky to reach my age, going by the state of them.

I've had the "for your age" comment more times than I care to remember, especially as my partner is a little younger than me. I've learned just to be gracious and say thanks. We literally can't help what year we were born in, and it baffles me that people think it's something to be ashamed of if someone is older. "oh you're HOW old?? Oh my GOD!" Then quickly followed by how they can't believe it, when they see you looking unimpressed.

I had my son when I was young, so it was the opposite when he was at school. Everyone thought I was his sister. But now my partner is younger, it's gone the other way. You just learn to ignore thoughtless comments, and tell yourself you can't help how other people think.

At forty you are not old at all. This is all in your mind.

One of my friends from a baby group had her surprise DC at 25 and she didn't want to tell other people apart from me her age and she was embarrassed! I don't think she has any reason to be, it's just most of the mums in this group were in their late thirties, a couple in early forties.

I had mine at 32 and was the next youngest one! So I'll prob be same age as you when mine is 7 or so!

We know lots of people who had theirs in their late thirties so would easily be 40+ by the school gate.

If it helps I have people even now age 33 saying I look "great for my age, you'd never know" - granted some are the teenagers I work with but some have been new friends or colleagues in their twenties. So I don't think it's a comment that means your age is ancient, just that you don't look it.

Lastly actually, had a woman in Sainsbury's come up to me and DH for an item needing ID at self checkout, while I was pregnant, morning sickness, no make up and looking very raggedy. She looked carefully at us both and said "I was going to say, she's fine but I need to see ID from you (DH)" - who was 36 at the time!!

DH is genetically blessed and looks like a teenager. But I was mightily pissed off.

You lost me at “I didn’t meet my husband till I was 29” 😝

Your entire idea of what is a normal age to get married, have kids etc is skewiff

And your 20-something mate has the same issue but she’s in her 20s that’s pretty normal. It’s like when you’re 11 and you think 24 is ancient