Am I unreasonable to refuse direct financial support for my eldest?

[AnOn2909]

So I have 2 children, we divorced when the eldest was 14 (now 18) the youngest splits their time btn parents (CMS is being paid). The eldest decided to stay with the other parent in the family home and has had minimal contact with me since 2-3x a year. Divorce recently finalised and home is now being sold. University is on the horizon and I’ve been asked to provide eldest child with funds. They believe it’s fair that as CMS will stop I should continue paying the same amount in funding (£400-£500 pcm), directly to eldest child. Am I being unreasonable saying no.

The op can afford it, as they do now, they are just prioritising buying a house.

For what its worth my ExH stopped all contributions for our shared children the minute they turned 18, didn't pay a penny towards them while they were at college and uni. They have all been no contact with him for years, he has never met his beautiful grandchildren. You will reap what you sow.

Only on Mumsnet would a father buying a home for him and his children be a problem.

The ex wife is buying a home and can’t afford to give their £500 per month towards University - absolutely fine.

The father is buying a home and can’t afford to give their £500 per month towards University - he is disgusting, a terrible father, should prioritise giving £500 per month to his child and should continue renting until he has contributed the same to his younger child’s university education.

Absolutely wild!

YABU. And your attitude to parenting and responsibility stinks. Perhaps that’s why your eldest wants such limited contact with you.

I'm confused by the question tbh. I thought maintenance was until they finished full time education or age 23, whichever happens soonest. Those were the terms in my divorce as an adult. As a young person I received maintenance from the non resident divorced parent when at uni.

I think arguing with your kid about financial contributions during A level exam period is really unhelpful.
It should have been discussed earlier at the UCAS planning stage or left until after the exams have concluded.

Why would a person need a home for children who don’t want to visit him? And isn’t it blindingly obvious that given the mother is the one who actually cares for them 24-7, she needs a home to do this in?!? Wild.

Firstly, a person needs a home for themselves.

Secondly, read the thread. He has his younger child 50% of the time.

I have read it. So he needs a 2-bed and she a 3-bed. Approx £500 per month difference.

It says the younger child splits the time between 2 homes. There's no mention of 50/50.

Regardless, it doesn't negate the obligation of that parent to educate their child.

Given the age of his child, that obligation is fulfilled.

No one is obligated to educate anyone to University level.

He has offered what he can afford, and that offer was rejected.

In the real world, many people cannot afford to contribute anything at all to their child’s University costs.

Lol.

I could only imagine the comments and responses if the guy dared buy a 2 bedroom
home, with no bedroom for his eldest child.

Honestly, behave.

Abuse? If anyone on this thread has been abusive do report it.

You won't give any background so it's reasonable to assume that you are at the very least 50% responsible for the breakdown in your relationship with your daughter.

She is a young adult, you are a fully grown man. You need to stop being so petulant and blind to your own faults and work to repair the damage you have done to your relationship with her.

Punishing your child is not the answer.

The OP is not being unreasonable to not wish to pay a hefty contribution towards the education of a child who refuses to see her, when she doesn't even own a home.

I think the OP is reasonable to want to see all the figures, expect the adult child to get a job, and not treat their mother like an ATM.

My dad gave me not one penny

Op, however, is a man so therefore totally out of order

Depends on how much loan they get. Not everyone gets minimum loan. Although it seems so on here

How do you know the sex of the OP?

I could only imagine the comments and responses if the guy dared buy a 2 bedroom
home, with no bedroom for his eldest child.

Good lord, it would be carnage!

My view might be clouded because I paid my own way through uni, but an adult of 18 choosing not to ever see a parent but happily taking £500 a month because they want to go away to uni is a bit mad. Uni is a choice. You don’t have to go. If you want to go and want to live away so it costs more, then get a job and a loan and don’t demand £500 a month from someone who are choosing not to have a relationship with.

Yes I think that’s a more reasonable amount to contribute - 2k each per year.

At 18 your child is an adult so no you shouldn't have to pay for them anymore. Who are all these parents paying hundreds towards uni for thier kids each month!? I don't know anyone that can afford to do that.

I’m talking about willingness to pay rather than financial viability.

But thanks for informing me that money doesn’t grow on trees 🙄

No. That's just one of many factors. The biggest one is how much rent they will be paying, because this is a huge variable, and any other expenses or income they may have. My DD didn't study in an expensive place and I was contributing more than the suggested amount 8 years ago. She lived frugally.

Well, you may actually still have a legal obligation to support them at university until they are 25. Particularly if you are in Scotland.

i know someone who took their parent to court over this

www.raeburns.co.uk/funding-further-education-whose-responsibility-is-it/