Am I unreasonable to refuse direct financial support for my eldest?

[AnOn2909]

So I have 2 children, we divorced when the eldest was 14 (now 18) the youngest splits their time btn parents (CMS is being paid). The eldest decided to stay with the other parent in the family home and has had minimal contact with me since 2-3x a year. Divorce recently finalised and home is now being sold. University is on the horizon and I’ve been asked to provide eldest child with funds. They believe it’s fair that as CMS will stop I should continue paying the same amount in funding (£400-£500 pcm), directly to eldest child. Am I being unreasonable saying no.

I'm not saying he should, I am saying it is an option.

pay what you can afford and if they think that is unreasonable - then let them know they can donate it to charity instead...

of course they won't but 18 year olds don't live in the real world

I wouldn't confuse this with CM. Read up on student loans and how much they are reduced because of parental income and simply make sure that you top up this amount, so your DC is not disadvantaged by parental income or your divorce. The complication is that, bizarrely, the loan is assessed on the household income of the resident parent, not your income. But morally, most divorced parents might think they had an obligation to split this with the resident parent. These pages are useful https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/student-finance-how-youre-assessed-and-paid/student-finance-how-youre-assessed-and-paid-2026-to-2027#assessing-how-much-student-finance-you-can-get

It is not true that you cannot continue the CMS. You can’t continue the CMS AND manage the mortgage you would like to take out.
Who do you think should be responsible to fund your child at university if not you?
It seems like the separation was acrimonious and you feel treated ‘like an ATM’. There may be some parental alienation going on here too, but you do have financial responsibilities towards your children and you will never repair the relationship if you play tit for tat like this. I’d choose to pay it if at all possible and buy a smaller home. You can trade up using the equity you build once your children have both finished university. At least the money will go straight to your child and not via your ex anymore.

But he can afford it.

What he can’t afford is to give his adult child £500 per month.

Providing secure housing for him and his children is the obvious priority.

It’s absolute madness that this guy is being told that he should continue renting unnecessarily, so that he can give his adult child £500 per month, and then stay renting so he can do the same for his younger child.

No one would tell a woman to do this. It’s only because this is a man who has the audacity to be divorced.

A woman would be told to buy a house, and then help her child financially with whatever she has left. She would be told that the home would bring her and her children security now and for her in the future.

Some of the replies to this guy are disgraceful.

It is an option.

A stupid one and if the OP were a woman, no one would be telling her that it was an option she should consider.

She would be told (rightly) to prioritise housing herself and that other people manage at university on less than £500 per month from their parents.

I don't think the OP has confirmed they are a he, and my advice would be the same for a man or woman. Get help to figure out how you've ended up minimal contact with your child, and why you feel comfortable punishing them financially for it.

If you were still married, it would still depend on whether you could afford it

Separated parents have to run 2 households with the same money that previously had to run one household. It doesn’t grow on trees!

You sound very cold towards this child…

Of course no one can make you. But my dad didn't support me at university. He bought me a shopping delivery once in 3 years. He never came to see me in my university town. Now I'm 38 and we're estranged. He doesn't know my 5yo. You're the adult here and you need to do the heavy lifting to repair the relationship (if you want to).

That's your opinion.

Thank you, you’re right some of the comments are horrendous especially as they make a lot of assumptions. Not sure why me wanting a mortgage and securing accommodation for me & children should be delayed to provide eldest with more uni funding. The other parent can afford a house with a small mortgage due to the difference in divorce award. If I bought an identical house the mortgage would be £600 pcm more than the other parent would pay. My net income after CMS for the youngest & mortgage payment will be basically identical.

Thank you this is very helpful. All new to me & some of the hate on here is awful. I thought this was a more supportive community and people would be kind and offer help and advice rather than a lot of abuse. People don’t know the full story and the background which isn’t going to be shared.

That will be because in all likelihood the other parent A) earns a lot less and B) has done the vast bulk of raising YOUR children.

I hope you're not planning more children you don't want to support through university.

And if you're missing out details of course people will add information based on assumption. And also based on what countless other men do... leave their ex to basically raise and support their children. And then wonder why said children cut off their dad as soon as they realise how little he cares.

The government does expect you to top up the parental contribution to add to what's given in the student loan, that's why the student loan is on a sliding scale, with less for wealthier parents.

This is often hidden by the government, but very much expected.

Those saying get a job, it's harder than ever to get student jobs, the whole market is saturated and even supermarket jobs are hard to come by. Mine tutor and have their own online businesses, but it's hard going.

Here's the calculator:

https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/students/student-loan-parental-contribution-tool/guide/

Stop saying you are being 'used as an ATM', no you are not, you are a parent being asked for the expected contribution! I pay £300 to both children per month as that's what I can afford. Decide what you can afford, how much the other parent is paying, and then let them know; that's the amount and that's that.

You don't have to pay what they demand, but you do have to make your contribution as expected.

The whole thing is a shit show, but without parental contributions most students would have a massive shortfall now between rent, living costs and their loan, so it's not possible to do without it.

If we were still married we’d support to a certain extent ie make up the maintenance grant, but I’d expect our child to work as well. There is a pot of money we saved for her towards uni which if it’s spent on uni will provide £200 per month for 3 years so she has a good start.

thank you shortfall will be £3-4k, this split between both parents is affordable 👍

You have no idea why the eldest is having minimal contact. The youngest is still having contact, though.

Anyway, not being able to afford something, isn’t punishing someone.

It’s the reality of their financial situation.

If you can’t afford it, you can’t afford it. It’s that simple.

There is a logical link between adult children cutting contact with their parent and the amount of care they received from that parent.

Regardless, it doesn't negate the obligation of that parent to educate their child.

That is perfectly reasonable

"Eldest child has also chosen to cut me out and I don’t wish to be used as an ATM."

The OP didn't come to say this is a matter of affordability. They came thinking they'd get support for this very toxic attitude and applauded for teaching them some sort of lesson.

It’s not kind and supportive if you’re a man I’m afraid

I would continue support and I would use the calculation of the maximum loan minus the minimum loan based on income and pay half of it.
I don’t think a child who chooses no contact without good reason can assume more. Id also send random top ups and keep things open with Xmas and birthday presents money.

I read the op, thought you sounded like an utterly terrible parent, and hoped everyone agreed with me as I read the thread. Most did.

it is fucking shocking as a parent to deny your own child help because of how they behaved as a young teenager. Especially a teenager who had their world torn apart at 14. Now we don’t know whose ‘fault’ that was, but we sure as shit know it wasn’t the child’s. Teenagers can be kinda vile, their frontal cortex is still developing and they are incredibly self absorbed. It’s a stage, like any other in childhood. They grow out of it.

if your teenager does not want to see you, that is your failure. Not theirs.

get a smaller house.

I would very much doubt your child will want anything to do with you ever if you don’t support them because a) you want to buy a large house and b) because they were upset with you as a teenager going through divorced parents. That would be so petty and spiteful of you.

I am divorced and part of our consent order, is that the CM I receive transfers directly to our children for their first degree. My ex husband suggested this. Because he cares about his kids even if we are divorced.