Am I unreasonable to refuse direct financial support for my eldest?

[AnOn2909]

So I have 2 children, we divorced when the eldest was 14 (now 18) the youngest splits their time btn parents (CMS is being paid). The eldest decided to stay with the other parent in the family home and has had minimal contact with me since 2-3x a year. Divorce recently finalised and home is now being sold. University is on the horizon and I’ve been asked to provide eldest child with funds. They believe it’s fair that as CMS will stop I should continue paying the same amount in funding (£400-£500 pcm), directly to eldest child. Am I being unreasonable saying no.

Of course YABU. Why do people think they no longer have a duty to support their DC once they turn 18?

Do you know how much the "whole loan" is?
For most students it is £5k per year. To cover their rent, bills, food and all other living costs.
Absolutely they can hopefully work to top this up to something approaching a liveable amount. But as a parent I have tried to help as much as I can, because I want them to flourish in their studies not be caught a grind between studying and trying to scrape enough to keep a roof over their head.

Once a child is 18 you arent legally obliged to support them.

If you are LC with your child I can understand not bothering

But morally only you can decide for the best. For context I adore my parents and was told I could stay home and pay board or move out and pay my own way. I didnt recieve additional help and that was reasonable to me

But if it were me Id be considering why youre LC, if you want to change that and if youre planning on giving youngest £400-500 during uni because if i was doing it for 1 I cant image youd improve the relationship by not also funding the other

Yabu. What's he supposed to live on? Pt job plus maintenance loan doesn't go very far. Are you ounishing him for something?

I was the mum in a similar situation.

my ex wanted to stop paying and I was concerned both for my child going to uni and myself losing child benefit/tax credits (being honest!).

when the loan application was made it was only on my salary (don’t put ex down if they live separately) so they actually got the full cost of living loan.

in the end we both gave small amounts we could afford and our child had a part time job.

asking to you carry on paying £500 a month is unreasonable. I would get the figures when they do the loan application and see what it would cost to make it up to full amount then offer to split it.

Or just arrange to send as hoc amounts as you see fit and can afford.
it’s really between you and your child so I wouldn’t even discuss it with the other parent.

You have no idea why this 18 year old doesn't see his parent much. My own dc finally opted to be NC with their dad because he was an emotionally abusive narcissist. They found it a tough decision and, 3 years down the line, still struggle to talk about him. He’s wealthy but they don’t ask him for a penny.

Parents are irreplaceable and most dc don’t walk away lightly.

We have a DD in her 30s. When ExDp and I split, DD felt that he was very much in the wrong despite my trying to reinforce the idea that it wasn't her argument, it was between her parents. She has seen very little of her DF despite my gently shoving her towards keeping communications open. OP it becomes apparent that much of day to day life isn't deep conversations, it's short, casual meetings in the hallway and you simply can't be part of that anymore. It's no one's fault, really.
Please do try and keep communication open with your DC, random coffees, whatever. Just texts.
If there's something deeper, then I apologise for making a comment.

Not entirely sure about that.

Hmm. I think that both parents should share financial support while at Uni. The parent who the child was living with will have much reduced expenses of providing a home at that point, though not zero as there is still the holidays. So, for the sake of argument, perhaps 60:40. The absolute £ to be based on their top-up payment needs, not randomly based on the value of the CMS.
You're both parents, you are equally responsible irrespective of where the daughter is living or the strength of your relationship.

I think you probably need to be open with your eldest about what you can afford to pay and explain something of the financial settlement to them.

The divorce is relatively recent, there's every chance they may be open to contact with you in the future but possibly not till they've moved out from the family home and established their own.

Give them the tools to decide for themselves whether traditional uni is a good plan now, whether they want a gap year to save money, whether they want to carry on living in the family home with their other parent rather than incur accommodation costs at a uni further away from home (assuming a suitable commutable uni exists).

Bear in mind they may 'need' support after they've left uni for a few months while they job hunt.

Yes yabu.

Regardless of your relationship with your ex, your child needs to be supported while studying, and the student loans system is set up for parents to be means tested and to help support according to ability.

What make you think it is OK to abdicate your responsibilities and to fail your child in this way?

Yes, of course YABU! Why wouldn’t you want to support your own DC in this way?

My parents divorced when I was at Primary School, and my Father had to pay Child Maintenance until my 18th Birthday (which he did) but had in the intervening years remarried and had a child.

Luckily I had a part time job at weekends while I did my A- levels so when child maintenance stopped I could contribute towards my keep (my Mum was on benefits) and save up a little money for university. I worked full time between A-Levels and University to cover the costs of my first term.

Neither parent made any financial contributions to me while at university, so I continued to work weekends and full time in the holidays to help with the costs. I took out a full student loan, which I managed to repay in full in just 21 years, by making extra payments.

This situation is not unusual for students, who have to take responsibility for themselves, and learn to manage their money. It also instilled a very strong work ethic as an adult.

I actually feel great pride in having achieved my degrees through my own hard work, rather than taking money from family members.

Friends that had parental support were out drinking away their parents money while I was earning cash… so overall it made no difference to time spent studying.

OP has your child worked part time to save up for Uni? or is everyone putting all of the pressure on you?

Could your child work and save to help themselves at university?

This is sensible advice. Send what you can afford directly to your child with a nice message every month. You are the parent, keep the door open.

There is always an option to pay as much as you can afford even if its less then child expects. £300 or less.

But you are paying, not stopping support.

Maybe this is an unpopular opinion, but I wouldn't be paying for my children to go to university and I'm not divorced. I never really understand it. It wasn't even a consideration when I was going to university. I applied for financial support , weighed up costs. Couldn't afford the university halls, so picked a closer university where I could live at home and used my life savings for driving lessons and a second hand car to get me to and from placement (I did a healthcare degree) I never asked my parents for money and I wouldn't have even thought to do so. I did once get stuck short when I could afford my train ticket home, so borrowed some money from my dad for the ticket and paid him back as soon as I got home and sorted my finances.
I worked in a shop from the age of 16 and did little side jobs like babysitting regularly before then as well to build up savings before I left school.
I worked a part time job during the first year of uni, but had to quit when I got to second year as I couldn't make the hours work. Then started applying for jobs 6 months before qualifying so that I had a job lined up straight after I finished. Yes I had to pay back loans, but I didn't ever think to ask my parents to pay for it. I would think my own children would think the same, or I may indeed be in for a large shock (with no bank balance to back it up either to be honest)

Because there is no actual requirement to do so perhaps

Only the parent the child lives with is assessed

Just because there's no legal requirement to do so doesn't mean there's not a moral one.

Plus university loans are calculated on parental income. If your child can't get a full loan because you earn over the threshold, but you then refuse to support them, they will be hugely disadvantaged.

But it seems that many of the rich parents on here are supporting them. I personally don't know of anyone who only got minimum loan imIRL however it seems on here everyone does.

And no one said how much loan the girl is getting. She could be eligible for maximum loan then wanting an extra £500 a month

When I started uni, my parent just sorted it out separately. So it wasn't to do with the other parent anymore what was paid. Dad paid me one amount each month and mum paid me another. It was what they thought I needed coupled with what each could afford. But they decided separately. Dad's money went to my accommodation and mum's to normal spending each month

That's how I'd expect it to be

Yes you're being unreasonable and mean. It's still your child

I don’t think you would be unreasonable to offer nothing. University is a choice that should be weighed up based on anticipated future earnings not costs less mummy and daddy money vs anticipated earnings (the joy of independence, and social aspects are important too). I think the pertinent question is whether it’s in your long term strategic interests. Teenagers are often idealistic with no real understanding of the nuances of life, I’m guessing the low level off communication will relate to whatever the divorce grounds are - in the long term once they experience life they may understand better why things went the way they did. At the same time if they are happy to take your money (or even demand it) but want to keep communication minimal due to some moral outrage then let’s hope they pay attention in the ethics module of their psychology degree (or whatever essential learning they have chosen).

Outside of the Mumsnet bubble, only 15-20% of students are only entitled to the minimum loan, which is £100 a week and considerably more than most working adults have - and that's before the money they should be earning themselves.

Children getting the maximum loan probably don't have the option to order Daddy to pay their rent.

Of course you are being unreasonable. They are still your child and they need your support. If you are unbothered about a future relationship then don't pay, but do you really want your child to struggle? The reality of being poor, even as a student is awful. I get you're hurt, but you are the adult and the parent