Am I unreasonable to refuse direct financial support for my eldest?

[AnOn2909]

So I have 2 children, we divorced when the eldest was 14 (now 18) the youngest splits their time btn parents (CMS is being paid). The eldest decided to stay with the other parent in the family home and has had minimal contact with me since 2-3x a year. Divorce recently finalised and home is now being sold. University is on the horizon and I’ve been asked to provide eldest child with funds. They believe it’s fair that as CMS will stop I should continue paying the same amount in funding (£400-£500 pcm), directly to eldest child. Am I being unreasonable saying no.

No wonder the poor kid wanted to stay with the other parent

When my eldest went to university I stopped paying to the other parent and started paying to him.

fyi; AnOn2909 · 27/03/2026 06:15 I’m a bloke

You’re right - this is my assumption only as I personally wouldn’t say I split my time between 2 places or 2 things, unless it was an equal-ish split.

It's obvious isn't it?

Why would it be obvious?

Women don't tend to punish their kids by withdrawing financial support.

lol. How many mothers do you think are out there who see their children a few times per year, and when they need financial help for uni would say ‘nah, nothing from me, I’d prefer a bigger house.’

Financial support wasn’t withdrawn.

The OP’s offer of financial support was rejected by the daughter because it wasn’t at the same rate as the maintenance money he had been paying for her and which he can no longer afford, because he and his ex wife are in the process of buying their own homes following the sale of the marital home.

He's being petulant about it. You can hear the whining and foot stamping.

'I'm not going to be an ATM' wah, wah, wah

As if that is all this is. There is a child who has obviously been through a difficult time. He is the adult, he needs to be mature about this and see past the immediate.

He knows that he can support the child directly, without going through her mother. He knows that he can say, here this is what I can do to support you. He doesn't want to because he sees it as a financial transaction. He needs to grow up, admit his faults and try to rebuild the damaged relationship with his daughter.

What he does now will impact the whole future and he's just not seeing it because he feels rejected by her. As a parent, being there, even when you are rejected, is the surest way to prove your love.

I’m sorry but have you actually read and comprehended his posts. He does want to contribute but thinks both parents should split the cost.

do you have even a tiny word of criticism for the moths who will not engage on this (presumably because they do not see financially contributing as something they should do)

It might not be a he. Regardless, the other parent has been responsible for more than 50% of the parenting so far with less than 50% financial support, and the OP earns more money. They don't have to support their kid through university, but they can, and doing so may be the only pathway they have to reconciliation. It's also not clear how much half would be, depending on what/where the kid is studying

The mother is already splitting the cost. Uni students are there approx half the time. And at home the other half. The mother will be solely paying her food/costs at home. She is asking the father to contribute some of the costs whilst she’s away.

Interesting my DH and I met when I already had 3 children. When their turn came to sort out student finance etc they included my now DH in the calculations and totally ignored SFEX . There were some lean years but we managed. Yes if it’s your child you should pay!

None of that changes the fact that he did not withdraw financial support.

He has already saved around £7,000 for his daughter, which will provide her with £200 per month for 3 years.

He has offered a further monthly contribution directly from him, matching what his ex wife is contributing each month, and this has been rejected as his daughter wants him to give her £500 per month, which he cannot afford.

I can see why he feels frustrated by this.

As a parent, being there, even when you are rejected, is the surest way to prove your love.

He can’t afford to give his daughter £500 per month, and then do the same for his younger child. Why is that so difficult to understand?

There are people who cannot afford to contribute anything at all towards their children’s University costs. How do you suppose they “prove their love”?

But he can. Just doesn't want to. And he wonders why the DC doesn't want a relationship with him.

Not necessarily. Have you not seen the thread about how many uni students don't necessarily go " home" in the holidays

You’re right, he can afford to contribute.

But why are you saying he doesn’t want to contribute financially?

He has already saved £7,000 and has made an offer of a further monthly contribution.

This was rejected by his daughter, because she wants £500 per month from him, which he can’t afford.

He has offered what is within his means.

I'm not saying he has to give her £500 a month, I am saying that he should stop engaging with her mother, stop putting his daughter in the middle and just tell her 'this is how much support I can give you', sorry it's not more but you are welcome to it.

He's not saying that, he's on here moaning about his ex. He needs to shift his attention to repairing his relationship with his daughter. It's actually very easy to resolve and he's making it all about money when that's not what this is about.

Of course he can afford to give his daughter £500 a month, he just doesn't want to as he wants to buy a house. If that's what he's paying for child maintenance now, then yes, he can afford it, he's making a choice not to pay it any further.

I'm also a single parent and my ex-husband will be giving our son his share of the child maintenance payments once he goes to uni next year. I will also be contributing - despite the fact that as a single parent with both kids resident with me, I spend far more supporting them than he does, even though he pays more than the mandatory CMS. But it's fine, what matters most to me is that we're all amicable and the kids have great relationships with both parents. And neither of us want our son to end up with more student debt than he needs to. Obviously the OP is more bothered about his nice big house than the latter.

The eldest decided to stay with the other parent in the family home and has had minimal contact with me since 2-3x a year.

I cannot think of why... 🙄

I stayed with the parent who didn't resent having to pay for my existence too.

Offering to match what his ex puts in is not offering what he can afford, it's offering as little as he can get away with.

I think it would land much better to contribute half of the hall fees or rent-plus-utilities (often done on a package these days) as a starting point. If you can afford to exclude the £7000 from that so much the better, it would make a huge difference to her life and surely no one wants to saddle their child with as much discomfort as possible at 18? There are other things parents commonly chip in which are more about showing they care than the money - Spotify, phone, covering train tickets for visits, YP railcard if her bank account doesn't come with one, the odd £50 for a big shop or £20 for a takeaway over exams. Giving such things doesn't cost a lot across a year but has a very different vibe to refusing to pay a penny more than your ex puts in over and above feeding, housing, clothing her etc. I know it's different when you have such little contact with her but maybe a gesture along these lines might be worthwhile rather than trying to keep your expenditure on this offspring doen to the lowest possible figure.

She will almost certainly still have to work alongside her studies. This kind of support is not bankrolling or being her ATM.

Apologies if I have the gender wrong, I got lost in the "they"s.

@Koggs She is his daughter - 'There is a pot of money we saved for her towards uni '

As little as he can get away with is £0.

Of course no-one wants their 18 yo to be saddled with discomfort, but part of University is learning to budget. If you ensure they have every comfort and don't struggle at Uni- when they have certain safety nets in place if it goes wrong- then they'll still have to experience it when they're new graduates, either job hunting or earning a "starter salary."

If the parents pay all their rent and bills then they are left with their whole loan as disposable income which gives them completely unrealistic expectations imo.