Going through hell in early single motherhood

[BrendaSouleyman]

I am a single mother, aged 44, of a baby boy born late January. My baby was very much longed-for and was conceived using IVF donor sperm. Since he was born, however, things have been awful. I feel no joy, just panic and terror. I moved from Paris, where I lived for 21 years, back to my native north -west of Ireland, in with my mum in order to get some support with the baby but I miss my freedom and my previous life more than I could ever express. The fact that I had my freedom for so long (as I said, I'm 44) is a big factor. I had a lovely life and could hop on a flight or go to the theatre at the drop of a hat; now I have to tell my mum when I go for a pee and ask her to mind the baby. I may across as dense- of course I realised having a baby would curtail my freedom but I never imagined how I'd feel about the lack of freedom. I thought I was ready for it, but it's actually hell. I can not believe that I have traded in my lovely life for this -and I feel devastated that something (a much-longed for status as mother) that I wanted so much is causing me so much pain.
I've moved back in with my mum in the small, grey, town where I grew up. I attend mother and baby groups and they are very well and good, the other mums are very friendly, but it doesn't help with complete and utter despair. Their babies are older than mine and still aren't sleeping through the night (at ten or eleven months old)- which is apparently normal- I'd read in books that a baby should be able to sleep through the nightvat six months, which I now know is codswallop. The other mothers all have partners and I think that helps. My mother was helping me at night with the baby but, very sleep-deprived, she had a car accident a month ago. Thankfully she is OK but the passenger in the other car said she took a pregnancy test before the accident and iit was positive; another test a few days after the accidnet was negative. My mother's car is a write-off so we're taking taxis everywhere. My mother had to make a statement to the police. She's never had so much as a parking ticket in her life.

My older sister (who has three children aged 8, 6 and 4) picked me up from a mother and baby group yesterday. I asked her when things get easier, she said "It doesn't get easier, Brenda! They grow up and start answering back. I got kicked in bed last night (two of her kids get into bed with her in the middle of the night). I love my children but if I had my time over again, I honestly don't think I'd have had them." To be fair to my sister, she knows I've been anxious but she doesn't know that every minute of every day has been absolute hell. Her words left me despairing. And as I went to post this thread, I saw a thread started by a mother of a two year-old who said her sons sleep has regressed and that hes throwing tantrums, and she was asking if things get better.
So here have I been counting down the days and weeks until my baby cries less, sleeps more, deperately Googling when I will get a bit more freedom or when I will feel this overwhelming love that makes it all worthwhile-but it seems that there is no end to this hell in sight.

I am in contact with mental health services in my local Trust. A psychiatrist in the local Trust perinatal mental health service has suggested anti-depressant called Mirtazapine which is compatible with breastfeeding but I was prescrived various anti- depressants many years ago and none had any effect. The psychiatrist knows that and is not at all forcing me to take them. Also, I couldn't co-sleep with the baby if I take an anti-depressant and co- sleeping is how I get some sleep at night. I have had sessions with a CBT therapist who says the way I am feeling is not unusual but that it does get better. Yet I read plenty of posts from parent of two and three year olds who are still going through hell, and then that comment from my sister yesterday that it doesnt get easier has augmented my despair.
All I know is that I can not go on like this.
My baby son is so beautiful but I have been researching if i can put him into care. It would break my heart, but I really do not think I could live for more months like this. I have been doing everything "right"- in contact with the local perinatal mental health services and seeing a counsellor- and I still don't see any hope.

Hey lovely,

First of all well done for writing down everything that is on your mind and sharing it rather then keeping it all in. I hope just that alone has given you some form of relief.

One thing I just wanted to say is don't look ahead of time and think of your baby being a 2/3 year old. Yes, you hear toddlers have tantrums and have big emotions, but that's them learning about their emotions and us as parents to help guide them.

With my first son, I was crippled with severe anxiety and depression even after years and years of infertility and he was very much wanted. I found the lack of freedom really hard to and I felt very betrayed by mother's lying to me saying motherhood is the best thing when in reality being sleep deprived and putting another little person first before you is really hard. I really wished someone told me being a mother, especially a first time mother is relentless!

I was petrified of having a toddler because I heard things like 'oh just you wait until he's 2 and screaming down the shops.' I used to be petrified. I feel now I was robbed of my first being a baby because I kept looking to the future thinking of him hitting 'milestones' and thinking of when he will sleep through the night and wishing time away. If I could I would love to take that all back.

My son is now 3 and I have a 1 year old little boy and I do promise you, things get easier. I actually really enjoyed my baby being 1 and 2 and now really enjoying him being a 3 year old.

I promise you things get easier and you are a fantastic mother to your baby boy.

Lost the will to what?

It's great to hear you are seeking support. As somebody who is also from Mayo, moving back there just as I had my baby would have really been hard. So I can completely understand what your feeling. I think definitely cut yourself some slack it sounds like you are doing a great job. Sometimes we just need to gain some confidence in our selves. I wonder if its tough being with your mum all the time for support? Mums are great but Irish mums sometimes know it all and think modern changes are a bit daft. I was told I googled too much. But in my mind it gave me peace. If your still breastfeeding the nights must be tough. But they do get easier as bf can be a solution to all sorts of crying. Teething, gas etc etc if in doubt its time for bf. Also I used to prep for the nights like I was going into battle. Have my snacks and water left out in the sitting room. Have a nice blanket ready. A feeding pillow. Id watch my favourite show. Especially in the early days. As things progressed I had no interest in 2am tv but it was a lovely way to waste the time. It does get easier as you get more used to the chaos and you build up confidence in your effort. I cant count how many times I was caught out bf on a random bench. As much as it annoyed me it was great to get out for walks. Also in Mayo theres a breastfeeding group in Castlebar. Where you can go and meet other bf women and just chat about how crazy a time your having. Everybody thinks the stage their in is the hardest so try not to heed people with older kids who say negative things like what until they're... whatever age! I now have a toddler and he's hilarious. But every time I turn around hes on a table but he's great fun. My partner really struggled with the newborn phase but now loves the older phase. So this could also happen to you too.

It’s not often I read a thread the whole way through but I really feel for you. Your whole life has changed in a few months and it is bound to be unsettling. You were living a “free life” in a beautiful city and are now back with your Mum and you baby son. That alone is enough throw anyone.
You have been given so much good advice already. The best piece I got when my son was a baby was to let him fit in with my life and not change mine to fit him in. It seriously made it so much easier.
i really think you need to explore the PND a little more. Only you know how you feel but it does sound like you may be suffering from this.
Could he have colic? My son had this and honestly I thought the crying would never stop. He would pull his little legs up and scream for hours.
He may be picking up on your anxiety and reacting to that.
The sleep does get better I promise. Hopefully soon you can try him in a crib so you get some sleep. Maybe put something of yours in with him to soothe him.
Like a previous poster said try and live in the moment. We all love a good Google but that maybe making you more anxious which, in turn, he will pick up on.
Don’t feel like you need to breastfeed. I couldn’t although I wanted to and it was the best thing for my boy. I couldn’t although see what he was taking which enabled a better feeding pattern for me.
I hated the Mother and baby groups. I was a single Mum and it just made me feel crap listening to their perfect stories.
I am sending you all the best wishes in the world. I know how low you are feeling and if this can be addressed everything else will follow. You seem to have a lovely family by your side. You clearly love and want the best for your son. You have got this I promise.

p.s. Don’t ever worry about him crying in public. Babies cry and if anyone judges you then they are the problem, not you

I feel for you OP. I have three grown up children and six grandchildren and they, along with my new husband, are my absolute world. When my first was a baby she was constantly crying and I remember feeling like you do now.

When your children are young it seems like forever but their growing up is just a small percentage of your life and you'll be back enjoying life in Paris before you know it, and wondering where those baby years went.

But that's not why I'm commenting....it's clear from your OP, and following comments, that the issue is not your baby per se but your crippling anxiety . And anxiety takes a hold when we feel like we've lost control and feel like a victim of our circumstances. I haven't had time to read all the responses so apologies if this has been said already, but telling you things will get better in a year or two, or even in a month or two, may not help because at the moment, that feels like forever. The thing that might help is taking back some control today, tomorrow, each day at a time.
My mantra in life is ' you get what you settle for'. So don't settle for your current situation. Start today with what you are going to do tomorrow, the little wins to be in control. Eg: 'Tomorrow morning I will contact the nanny in Paris'. 'Tonight I will give my baby boy a baby massage' ' 'On the weekend I'll ask my sister to babysit for a couple of hours and take my mum out somewhere nice to thank her' (She is probably feeling stressed herself, especially following her accident). I promise you that once you feel more in control your anxiety will subside and you will start to enjoy the life you were looking forward to. Tell yourself that you've got this...you're clearly a very strong resilient woman and this is just a blip until you grab back your control...one day at a time.

I feel you so much. Firstly, it takes courage to say all of this out loud - sharing your feelings right now is something in itself. A lot of what you wrote really resonated with me, as a solo mum who also stayed with my mum in the beginning and really struggled at the start. If you can move out at some point I found having our own space and getting into our flow helped massively. There was the added layer of being with someone and wanting a level of support that she couldn’t give that somehow made it all actually harder, when it was supposed to be helping.

Baby classes can be intense, there’s an element of competitiveness to them sometimes and it can feel more isolating being the only one doing it solo when everyone else in the group talks about partnerships. Join the SMBC group on Facebook / there are sub groups with babies born at different times so you can connect with people who may be in similar phases and who share aspects of your journey. I’ve had holidays with people from the group and made some really lovely friendships with people who get it. Maybe focus on doing more of what brings you peace or moments of lightness eg going to the park or having a coffee with a friend, rather than what you think you “should” do. I remember going to a singalong class when my son was a few weeks old that I absolutely did not need but somehow felt like I should be doing, and all the nursery rhymes just made my old life feel even further away and my new life more crazy! But you will find things that you both enjoy doing together.

i promise it does get easier, your relationship and connection deepens and the balance and reconnection with other parts of yourself gets better too. My son also cried a lot and didn’t sleep in the beginning, he needed to have his head a bit raised so I put towels under the cot mattress to lift it, and hated sleeping on his back. Now he pretty much sleeps through the night and can talk about what’s going on for him. Hang in there, give yourself some time, space and grace to adjust to this massive change and to allow yourself to connect with what you want and with finding a way forward that’s aligned to you. You don’t need to decide anything now, and doing so would be coming from a space of wanting a way out of the fear and overwhelm rather than doing what’s really aligned to what you want. There are ways through this, and what you’re feeling and experiencing right now will not last forever.

sending you all the virtual support and hugs and really hope you can find some SMBC people to hold the hope for you until you can hold it for yourself xx

Actually it does get much easier. You also get much more joy as they get older - you get very little back when they’re a few months old.

Im 44, mum to boys: aged 10, 14, 20 and 23.
I remember the fear and realisation that the baby was mine forever, this wasn’t temporary, this was life now.
That said, you certainly have PND and I’m glad you’re getting help for that.

Some babies do sleep through from a young age, mine didn’t.

Look, kids are hard but babies are definitely another lever of exhaustion and feeling tied. You will adjust, things will improve. As soon as baby can communicate, just with smiles and small things, it feels better. By 6 months it’s easier, they can sit etc. By 12 months you could have a walking boy babbling and making you smile every day.
That may seem a while off, but genuinely this time will go so fast.

If you moved back to Paris, could you get a nanny? I think that would help, it’s a lot on your own for sure. At least, a nursery for some time in your own.

To add, mine didn’t sleep well but I breastfed them all. The pattern I’ve seen with all my friends is breastfed babies don’t sleep through as quickly.
Breastfeeding also add to how tied to the baby you feel and it’s constant at first. You’ve done 3 months, consider a bottle before bed to see if he sleeps longer. Consider full time bottles, it’s not a failure

I didn't BF as couldn't manage it (DD has a tongue tie! She had silent reflux. It was hell on earth, every time I put her down she screamed. No napping in cots or anything. We tried gaviscon but that bunged her up, in the end she went on omeprazole at 7 weeks old. She was a different baby and we took her off it at 6 months once she started weaning. She's now a 13 year old with no adverse affects from the omeprazole.

I just got on with it regardless of her crying and used a sling a lot of the time which she much preferred.

The pattern I’ve seen with all my friends is breastfed babies don’t sleep through as quickly

That’s because young babies aren’t supposed to sleep through. Waking up at night is natural - and protective too. That doesn’t make it less exhausting, of course, but breastfed babies not sleeping through isn’t a problem, it’s how it’s supposed to be.

Be a decent human being?

I just want to add an experience and opinion here. Im not having a pop at anyone.

you can improve sleep without switching to bottles. It’s not the waking that is the issue, it’s the assistance that is needed to get back to sleep. We all wake up all night long and just don’t remember it because we drop straight back off if conditions are still good. Sometimes we become aware that we’re cold and pull the duvet up, or that we need the loo and we nip to the bathroom etc.

Breastfed babies are more likely to not settle when they’re wake til they’re breastfed back to sleep because they associate breastfeeding with sleep, because they are usually fed to sleep.

Bottle fed babies wake just as much, but it’s an arse ache to go and make bottles every time they wake so I suspect theyre more likely to be rocked back to sleep or need a dummy replaced; different sleep associations, possibly not as strong as breastfeeding to sleep.

once i separated breastfeeding from going to sleep by moving the last feed of the day to 30 mins before he actually went into his cot, I could see my baby waking and putting himself back to sleep in a few seconds on the monitor, because he didn’t need to be feeding to go to sleep anymore, he could just do it. Yes, the first couple of nights he was upset and I had to comfort him for a 15ish minutes in his cot til he fell asleep, which was harder than just feeding him to sleep, but it was soon over. I still fed him once or twice a night until he dropped his feeds at 7 months on his own and “slept through” ie, put himself back to sleep seamlessly between sleep cycles, because he wasn’t hungry at night any more when he started solids.

Introducing a bottle or giving up breastfeeding to improve sleep is not necessary, it’s fine if you want to do it, but it’s not necessary, and it’s a myth that sleep training means the end of the breastfeeding relationship.

another poster has responded saying that wakes in young babies are protective. yes. And the wakes still happen in sleep trained babies, they just don’t shout out when they’re not hungry anymore because they don’t need help every 60-90 mins to go back to sleep. They’ll still call if they’re actually hungry.

Bottle fed babies wake just as much, but it’s an arse ache to go and make bottles every time they wake so I suspect theyre more likely to be rocked back to sleep or need a dummy replaced; different sleep associations, possibly not as strong as breastfeeding to sleep.

Just coming back to you on this bit. There's no need to be going and making bottles every time they wake. It's perfectly safe to make bottles in advance, so it's a matter of quickly warming them (though some will take them fridge cold), and they can keep drinking from it for 2 hours, so plenty of time before a fresh one is taken out of the insulated container/freezer box by the bed.

Over a year of bottle feeding, and I didn't need to get out of bed for it at all.

That child still became (and still is) a poor sleeper though. But bottle admin was fine - and for me (but not the OP) equally shared.

Or get a baby brezza! Makes instant bottles for you

Your post

Hi @Pinkgorilla101 yes I think I mentioned upthread that I've had all sorts of opinions - my health visitor and another nurse who think it might be silent reflux, a lactation consultant and CBT therapist I've consultant who specialises in perinaral issues who has authored a book on reflux after her son was diagnosed with it, who told me she thinks silent reflux is massively over-diagnosed (as dies the local GP), so she thinks it might be colic or he may be a very sensitive baby. Meanwhile, a paediatrician I consulted online told me that excessive crying can be attributed to three main causes: reflux, colic, or CMPA or egg allergy!
That's why i have been asking on here about CMPA to see how cow's milk allergy manifests itself: whether dairy consumption prompts an immediate reaction, or not. Again, professional opinions vary. The reflux author I mentioned thinks dairy allergy would show as a respiratory issue or skin issue, or as blood in the baby's poo. The paediatrician said not necessarily.
It would be enough to drive anybody insane.
Plus it all ties into the issue of sleep - as some previous posters such as @Millie279 have noted, a baby can only be sleep trained from six months onwards or so if there are no other underlying issues. But how can one be certain there aren't any underlying issues, with such an array of conflicting professional opinions?

Regarding slings: I'd love to put my baby in the sling more often as it's a bit easier on the back and arms than carrying baby around, but he cries when I initially put him in the sling, then he falls asleep after ten or so minutes, then wakes up crying after he's slept. Maybe that's just standard, I don't know.

Thank you @SunnyLilacFawn @PissedOff2020 and @Bublife for your lovely posts.

Point taken on bottle admin.

The point I was trying to make is that it’s so easy to pop a baby back on to the breast in the middle of the night, (as many advocates for it on here will say, you barely need to wake yourself), and so perhaps breastfeeding is more readily used as a means to settle a baby back to sleep when they’re waking every hour, and therefore more likely to become a sleep association - hence the perception that breastfed babies are “worse” sleepers.

Of course if you bottle feed your baby to sleep and then offer a bottle at every single wake, it’s totally possible to have a baby that becomes dependent on a bottle to fall asleep and stay asleep!

My therapist says this all the time. She says the babies who sleep through the night regularly from six months (or earlier!) are really the outliers and young babies aren't developmentally capable of sleeping solidly throughout the night.

Mine slept through from 8 weeks and while I think that was mostly temperament I did notice sleep was much better with formula (we did both so I could compare). People say it’s a myth but as with the other posters anecdotally the formula babies do seem to sleep better (we fell into a whole breastfeeding/cosleeping thing at about six months and sleep went way downhill again, because the boob was right there)

It was also mentioned in a training I did on the signs of developmental trauma that such babies are often “good sleepers”.

Thank you for sharing your experience but have I read it correctly, that you sobbed to strangers who asked if you were OK, saw life in black and white, got three hours of sleep in 30 minute increments, and yet you say your mental health was OK?

Surely not everybody saying that things get better is lying...I'd say (hope!) that only very few are exaggerating or lying to make me feel better. Surely if one came across a post someone who was really struggling and couldn't offer hope, they would just not post?

@Holdinguphalfthesky do you mean that babies who have developmental trauma are often good sleepers, or just young babies up to a certain age? Did your course say anything about sleep training?

@BrendaSouleyman Honestly I think many posters on this thread painting some horror pictures of motherhood are purposely exaggerating. I can't remember any of that. I remember broken sleep in the first 4 months, but then (with the help of a dummy at night and formula milk that I think fills babies up better than some breast milk) my daughter slept through the night. She had always been a very sweet and compliant toddler and is now a very lovely and considerate teenager. Not had any of the dramatic issues some of the posters on here describe and I've been a single working mum for most of her life. I'm also definitely not some model patent - have been totally winging it.

I'm not lying!!! I had a very difficult baby who cried a lot and didn't sleep more than 20 minutes at a time but it did get way way better!!!! And as that happened my mental health improved too.

I guess the thing is that no one can predict when sleep will improve but generally it does over time, especially when they start eating solid food at 6 months. You are therefore left with just taking every day at a time! Hang in there!

Misery loves company, some people on here are the unhelpful type "you think you've got it bad, well it's not as bad as it was for me me me".

Babies are all individual and no one can predict the future. Do get the PND treated, see if you can find some in person healthcare to check him over (I get the impression it's been mostly online?) - maybe consider moving to Derry if you can? There'll be a bit more going on for you.