Going through hell in early single motherhood

[BrendaSouleyman]

I am a single mother, aged 44, of a baby boy born late January. My baby was very much longed-for and was conceived using IVF donor sperm. Since he was born, however, things have been awful. I feel no joy, just panic and terror. I moved from Paris, where I lived for 21 years, back to my native north -west of Ireland, in with my mum in order to get some support with the baby but I miss my freedom and my previous life more than I could ever express. The fact that I had my freedom for so long (as I said, I'm 44) is a big factor. I had a lovely life and could hop on a flight or go to the theatre at the drop of a hat; now I have to tell my mum when I go for a pee and ask her to mind the baby. I may across as dense- of course I realised having a baby would curtail my freedom but I never imagined how I'd feel about the lack of freedom. I thought I was ready for it, but it's actually hell. I can not believe that I have traded in my lovely life for this -and I feel devastated that something (a much-longed for status as mother) that I wanted so much is causing me so much pain.
I've moved back in with my mum in the small, grey, town where I grew up. I attend mother and baby groups and they are very well and good, the other mums are very friendly, but it doesn't help with complete and utter despair. Their babies are older than mine and still aren't sleeping through the night (at ten or eleven months old)- which is apparently normal- I'd read in books that a baby should be able to sleep through the nightvat six months, which I now know is codswallop. The other mothers all have partners and I think that helps. My mother was helping me at night with the baby but, very sleep-deprived, she had a car accident a month ago. Thankfully she is OK but the passenger in the other car said she took a pregnancy test before the accident and iit was positive; another test a few days after the accidnet was negative. My mother's car is a write-off so we're taking taxis everywhere. My mother had to make a statement to the police. She's never had so much as a parking ticket in her life.

My older sister (who has three children aged 8, 6 and 4) picked me up from a mother and baby group yesterday. I asked her when things get easier, she said "It doesn't get easier, Brenda! They grow up and start answering back. I got kicked in bed last night (two of her kids get into bed with her in the middle of the night). I love my children but if I had my time over again, I honestly don't think I'd have had them." To be fair to my sister, she knows I've been anxious but she doesn't know that every minute of every day has been absolute hell. Her words left me despairing. And as I went to post this thread, I saw a thread started by a mother of a two year-old who said her sons sleep has regressed and that hes throwing tantrums, and she was asking if things get better.
So here have I been counting down the days and weeks until my baby cries less, sleeps more, deperately Googling when I will get a bit more freedom or when I will feel this overwhelming love that makes it all worthwhile-but it seems that there is no end to this hell in sight.

I am in contact with mental health services in my local Trust. A psychiatrist in the local Trust perinatal mental health service has suggested anti-depressant called Mirtazapine which is compatible with breastfeeding but I was prescrived various anti- depressants many years ago and none had any effect. The psychiatrist knows that and is not at all forcing me to take them. Also, I couldn't co-sleep with the baby if I take an anti-depressant and co- sleeping is how I get some sleep at night. I have had sessions with a CBT therapist who says the way I am feeling is not unusual but that it does get better. Yet I read plenty of posts from parent of two and three year olds who are still going through hell, and then that comment from my sister yesterday that it doesnt get easier has augmented my despair.
All I know is that I can not go on like this.
My baby son is so beautiful but I have been researching if i can put him into care. It would break my heart, but I really do not think I could live for more months like this. I have been doing everything "right"- in contact with the local perinatal mental health services and seeing a counsellor- and I still don't see any hope.

My baby had this (red faced, grunting and crying when pushing to poo) and I was told it was infant dyschezia. Harmless and the only thing to do is wait until they outgrow it. My baby started pooing normally at around 3 months.

Obviously I don't know your baby, but perhaps worth suggesting to the pediatrician and see what they say?

@Opentoconvo Thank you; but trust me, I've tried it! The bicycle legs, the "I love u" tummy massage, the sun and the moon massage, Indian milking, Swedish milking....

@Thatsalineallright Thank you for sharing your experience but I have to pay privately for the paediatrician every time I get an appointnent online; I don't have appointments lined up with him at the moment. And I'd sort have expected a paediatrician to mention this condition to me. This is thr first time I've ever heard of it.
I've said it before, but it's also the array of (often conflicting) professional opinions that can cause additional anxiety; the health visitor says one thing, the lactation consultant another thing, the midwife another thing, the doctor something else....

You are absolutely tone deaf @XelaM

Are you so lacking in empathy and critical thinking that you can’t see that not everyone has had your experience?

Why tell someone who is massively struggling what a wonderful time you had?

You’re an absolute idiot

Have you tried Gripe Water?

@BrendaSouleyman maybe he just hates the sensation of pooping? I read somewhere that babies before 6 months sometimes struggle to control the different muscles associated with pooing and this can cause stress, grunting and going red as they try to learn how to control each muscle (pushing the tummy and relaxing the anus) and the crying isn’t pain but more frustration could this be what is possibly happening and maybe why none of the meds prescribed is actually helping?

Try cranial osteopath @BrendaSouleyman

Just hopping back on to say that my daughter (who was prescribed infant gaviscon in the end) also acted like this - legs pulled up, tense stomach, or straight as a board, screaming. She didn't have any other symptoms - no rash, no vomiting, no skin discolouration etc. but she was also constipated (I had to have a bath with her to get her to go once! Mothering milestone...).

It took us ages to work it out as everyone kept saying she had 'colic' or we needed to try a different formula. She was awful with her milk intake so I used to think that she wasn't full enough to sleep for long etc.

After eventually being prescribed Gaviscon a different GP called us and unprescribed it, and instead gave her the awful hypoallergenic formula - but she was allergic to it and ended up in A&E! We eventually got a GP who actually gave us Gaviscon and it helped immensely - she was on it until she was fully eating solids, and then occasionally when she had flare-ups.

I distinctly remember spending about two hours each night trying to get her to sleep while she screamed. Most nights I only had about two hours of broken sleep. She'd only sleep for ten mins in her 'beside me' cot so ended up in bed with me. She eventually started sleeping for longer stretches and around 9 months went into her own room and would sleep long bursts - it was such a relief!

I promise, it really does get better, but I'd really recommend pushing for some Gaviscon to see if that helps (lactulose also has side effects like stomach cramps - did the symptoms start before?).

Just to put your mind at ease, infant dyschezia isn't a disease or condition, it's just that baby hasn't learned to coordinate their muscles yet. Not saying that is or isn't happening with your boy, I have no idea.

Like you though, all the bicycle legs, massage etc. in the world did nothing for my daughter. Gripe water and every other concoction did nothing. I also gave up dairy, but it turned out she didn't have CMPA. Many people here are suggesting very basic things, which must be very frustrating for you, as it was for me (yes Brenda, I've tried giving a soother, no FIL I'm not going to drop daytime naps completely to make her sleep at night 🙄🙄). I wish people would RTFT (and your last one) before commenting. Fair play for keeping your cool, as I'm getting frustrated on your behalf.

I wish I could help you in some practical way. I've read both your threads and feel for you so much. I wish there was more support for baby sleep available. I'm in the Republic and breastfeeding support is great, but sleep support? Nada.

I definitely get that all the different opinions must be frustrating.

Just want to clarify that infant dyschezia sounds scary but actually it's just a fancy word for the baby not having learnt to poo yet. Everything is so brand new for newborns. So I'm not trying to suggest your baby has some weird and wonderful disease!

You've taken your baby to be checked and sought the opinion of experts. You're following their (often conflicting) advice. You're doing everything you're supposed to be doing as a mum.

Newborns often cry for no clear reason. It sounds like this is one of the things that upsets you most? Well the crying definitely gets better. Ime it starts fading around month 4 and even if it's different for everyone, once the baby can communicate with words then it's much easier to figure out what's wrong..

How are you doing Op?

I know it must be really difficult to read all posts as the thread is quite long but yes @Opentoconvo I have mentioned that he regularly takes gripe water. I tried infacol in the early days, too. No discernable difference.

@NotMeNorI I mentioned upthtead that the baby was prescribed Gaviscon Infant at just under six weeks old.

Infant dyschezia seems to entail grunting and squirming in the half hour or so before pooing, is that right? @Thatsalineallright My baby grunts and goes red faced but seems in pain and is pushing but DOESN'T poo, that's the thing.

Thank you for asking @passmeaglass Still in a state of shock and anxiety but I feel a little better than I did at the weekend.

How often does your baby actually poo? If not at all then it's possible he is constipated with impacted bowels and that's a medical emergency for a baby.

I know some breastfed babies only manage to poo every 2-3 days, but that must still be uncomfortable for them so that could explain the straining and squirming even if they're not managing to push something out every time.

Hi @ScotiaLass He'll poo every day but that's because I am giving him Lactulose. He was prescribed Lactulose just before he turned six weeks because he hadn't pooed in a week and while that can happen in breastfed babies, not only did he seem to be in discomfort with the squirming and the pressing, but he was only five weeks old at the time. Frequency of bowel movements can change at six weeks old- health professionals don't like it when there's a change under six weeks. He was never a very frequent pooer even prior to the five week mark, to be honest.

I'm not entirely comfortable with the Lactulose and diagnosis of constipation because of the rarity of constipation in exclusively breastfed babies, but I was told that Lactulose is just sugar and water so I'm ploughing ahead with it for now. And the health visitor told me it has be given twice a day for now to be effective so 😐

Sorry if this suggestion has been mentioned already.

The Tommee Tippee Advanced Anti-Colic Baby Bottles were a godsend and put an end to the colic in my baby. If you can, express and feed baby from these.

For my second baby, I went straight to these and not a sign of colic.

Hi op,

I just saw this thread. I am a solo mum by choice to a 20 month old, and I live abroad so totally on my own. I had lived here for 4 years when I had my son so had a life here and that has really helped in feeling connected to my old life so I would absolutely look into moving back. I have friends who help out where they can and I’ve made a couple of other solo mum friends which has helped a lot in just having someone to vent to who gets it.

my son was a much longer for baby and I really struggled first year and was shocked by how boring I found it. Along with all the sleeplessness it was rough. He also would wake up constantly with gas pains, honestly I’d almost forgotten about it until reading your post.

he is now nearly 21 months and I am enjoying it so much. There are of course still really tough times doing it solo, but I found once he started talking around 16 months it became so much more fun and now I have a blast with him most of the time and for me it’s been a lot easier than the baby phase

Go back to Paris.

Haven't read all the posts so this has probably been said but I think your sister is wrong, it does get easier, from your perspective anyway I would say. Yes the challenges change and having older children isn't easy but but the newborn stage is the most demanding and all consuming. Like I remember when my baby was born, I literally found it hard to get time to myself to have a shower, those sorts of things are now not even something I consider to be a problem.
I also do feel babies are only as limiting as you make them, the world is pretty child friendly, carry on doing nice things and just bring them along. If I were you I would seriously think about moving back to Paris and get baby into nursery

Hi @orzo15 thanks for sharing your experience. It's not so much having someone to vent to but having an extra pair of hands to mind him/carry him/jiggle him up and down/help bathe him that I'm worried about not having. My mum doesn't help round the clock but it's good to know she's here and she can mind him while I shower, go out for a walk occasionally or when he's crying uncontrollably and my arms and back are very sore from carrying him.
The baby calms down and stays calm for longer in her (and my sister's) arms than in my arms. That's not just my imagination.
I'm worried about moving alone with my baby and him crying non- stop. As someone said earlier in the thread, "You think the new-born months are the worst- just wait until they start teething!" I'm sorry to come across as someone who has a problem for every solution- a trait I really dislike- but as you can tell, I'm extremely anxious aboit everything.

Infant dyschezia seems to entail grunting and squirming in the half hour or so before pooing, is that right? @Thatsalineallright My baby grunts and goes red faced but seems in pain and is pushing but DOESN'T poo, that's the thing.

My breastfed baby pooed several times a day but the squirming/pushing happened even when she didn't poo. It seemed to take her hours to work up to actually going.

Our pediatrician said infant dyschezia is common and nothing to worry about, although sometimes alarming for the parents. Separately, she recommended we give daily probiotic drops to the baby to support her gut health.

Anyway, I obviously can't diagnose your baby with anything. But if they do happen to have dyschezia, it tends to resolve itself around the 3 or 4 month mark which is soon, right?

Ignore the just you wait people, if you are having a really hard time of it during the newborn months chances are it can't get any worse / you develop new strategies in time for the next stage

I found newborn the worst stage and every stage since has got easier. Am pretty sure I got PTSD from her newborn antics - couldn't take her anywhere! She's now a delightful toddler. All the smug mums with the perfect newborns from my NCT group are now struggling with their toddlers, which is giving me lovely schadenfreude.

Just hang in there

If you are happier in Paris, I’d work on a game plan. Going now, alone, would be too much.

-Get some counciling to help with the PND.
-Find someone to have your baby at least once a week. Childcare gives you breathing room.—
-plan a move when your child is a little older. Even at one , they are a different child to six months.
This is a blip. It’s not forever.

She is right especially breastfed babies. You can't really put them on a schedule, you feed on demand. It's hard work and tiring in the beginning. My son was breastfed for 2 years and never slept though but you just get used to it. We Co slept in the end it was easier that way. My son still wakes up in the night and he's 8 but now he just gets up has a cuddle and goes back to sleep. I also think ill miss it when he's too old do do this anymore. It's early days, you will adjust and get used to the waking. Things will get easier and when you go back to work you will have a bit of your own routine and purpose back aswell. Speak to your health visitor. I found anti depressants made me worse and numbed my feelings. I stopped taking them and found running much better and some me time was great. Everyone has different coping strategies though and anti depressants may work for some.

@Thatsalineallright I think our babies are different in that mine grunts, is in pain, and wouldnt poo for a week at an age (under six weeks) when that was deemed to be concerning. That's the way it WAS- I don't know how frequently he would poo if left to his own devices now because I now give him Lactulose every day. As I've mentioned, the health visitor has told me to give him Lactulose every day, otherwise I might as well just be giving him water (I tried cooled boiled water, and eating prunes, when he hadn't pooed for nearly a week when he was only five weeks old. Didn't really work). It's very frustrating because the health visitor also recommended I give him Gaviscon Infant with each feed to help with what she thinks may be a touch of silent reflux. So - Gaviscon Infant (which constipated him) and Lactulose (to relieve the constipation!) I asked her whether it's not counterproductive to give him both, but she didn't seem to think so.

Meanwhile, a GP told me that the baby should never have been prescribed Gaviscon Infant for silent reflux in the first place (it was another doctor who prescribed it). He said it only works on "true" reflux, not the silent kind.
It truly is a mind fu+&!!

So as for all the advice to speak to a GP, a health visitor -I already have. Several of them. Each seems to suggest something conflicting.

You asked about age- my son will be 15 weeks old on Monday 11th May.

@TwinklySquid Thank you for that thoughtful and reasoned post.