Going through hell in early single motherhood

[BrendaSouleyman]

I am a single mother, aged 44, of a baby boy born late January. My baby was very much longed-for and was conceived using IVF donor sperm. Since he was born, however, things have been awful. I feel no joy, just panic and terror. I moved from Paris, where I lived for 21 years, back to my native north -west of Ireland, in with my mum in order to get some support with the baby but I miss my freedom and my previous life more than I could ever express. The fact that I had my freedom for so long (as I said, I'm 44) is a big factor. I had a lovely life and could hop on a flight or go to the theatre at the drop of a hat; now I have to tell my mum when I go for a pee and ask her to mind the baby. I may across as dense- of course I realised having a baby would curtail my freedom but I never imagined how I'd feel about the lack of freedom. I thought I was ready for it, but it's actually hell. I can not believe that I have traded in my lovely life for this -and I feel devastated that something (a much-longed for status as mother) that I wanted so much is causing me so much pain.
I've moved back in with my mum in the small, grey, town where I grew up. I attend mother and baby groups and they are very well and good, the other mums are very friendly, but it doesn't help with complete and utter despair. Their babies are older than mine and still aren't sleeping through the night (at ten or eleven months old)- which is apparently normal- I'd read in books that a baby should be able to sleep through the nightvat six months, which I now know is codswallop. The other mothers all have partners and I think that helps. My mother was helping me at night with the baby but, very sleep-deprived, she had a car accident a month ago. Thankfully she is OK but the passenger in the other car said she took a pregnancy test before the accident and iit was positive; another test a few days after the accidnet was negative. My mother's car is a write-off so we're taking taxis everywhere. My mother had to make a statement to the police. She's never had so much as a parking ticket in her life.

My older sister (who has three children aged 8, 6 and 4) picked me up from a mother and baby group yesterday. I asked her when things get easier, she said "It doesn't get easier, Brenda! They grow up and start answering back. I got kicked in bed last night (two of her kids get into bed with her in the middle of the night). I love my children but if I had my time over again, I honestly don't think I'd have had them." To be fair to my sister, she knows I've been anxious but she doesn't know that every minute of every day has been absolute hell. Her words left me despairing. And as I went to post this thread, I saw a thread started by a mother of a two year-old who said her sons sleep has regressed and that hes throwing tantrums, and she was asking if things get better.
So here have I been counting down the days and weeks until my baby cries less, sleeps more, deperately Googling when I will get a bit more freedom or when I will feel this overwhelming love that makes it all worthwhile-but it seems that there is no end to this hell in sight.

I am in contact with mental health services in my local Trust. A psychiatrist in the local Trust perinatal mental health service has suggested anti-depressant called Mirtazapine which is compatible with breastfeeding but I was prescrived various anti- depressants many years ago and none had any effect. The psychiatrist knows that and is not at all forcing me to take them. Also, I couldn't co-sleep with the baby if I take an anti-depressant and co- sleeping is how I get some sleep at night. I have had sessions with a CBT therapist who says the way I am feeling is not unusual but that it does get better. Yet I read plenty of posts from parent of two and three year olds who are still going through hell, and then that comment from my sister yesterday that it doesnt get easier has augmented my despair.
All I know is that I can not go on like this.
My baby son is so beautiful but I have been researching if i can put him into care. It would break my heart, but I really do not think I could live for more months like this. I have been doing everything "right"- in contact with the local perinatal mental health services and seeing a counsellor- and I still don't see any hope.

Op this is why I mentioned baby feeling your anxiety as he’s better for your mum and sister. Does baby feel safer with them please look up about baby’s feeling mums anxiety it’s very real.

@Pessismistic I get what you're saying. However, it's like a vicious circle. I have to feel less anxious, or the baby will cry more, which will make me kore anxious- in a way, therefore (feel free to disagree), I sort of have to not give a damn about whether the baby cries or not, in order for this to work. Which is strange, because my mum and sister do care about whether he cries- they're not as anxious I am, that's for sure, but I don't know that I can help it. I'm trying my best to tackle it but I'm still in some kind of trauma about everything I've mentioned - the baby's crying, the lack of sleep, the loss of my freedom and identity,the fact that lI dint feel thus overwhelming,all- consuming love that I thought I would. And that this is my life now. I'm trying to tackle that, with the perinatal mental health support I have around me, but it just feels like going round and around in circles.

posted too soon! Will try again

I know it’s hard and you are struggling but I just wanted you to be aware as it might not be his milk etc. I’m not disrespecting you all babies are hard work and your life has been changed drastically. I just think it’s so sad how you’re feeling after wanting him so badly. It’s hard to listen to your situation. I would definitely consider medication it will help your anxiety and depression.

This sounds really hard @BrendaSouleyman.

I think mums who haven't had a baby who cries relentlessly just don't really get it. We had several weeks in the newborn phase where my son would get himself inconsolably worked up and scream continuously from about 6-8pm until beyond midnight, multiple nights a week. It is absolutely soul destroyingly awful. And for me it really created a massive stress response associated with my baby crying - because when they are tiny, you are hormonally primed to want to comfort and soothe your baby and absolutely nothing made any difference once he was in that state. And having your nervous system on red alert for hours at a time because your baby just will not stop screaming is totally overwhelming, incredibly stressful and a recipe for anxiety.

People telling you that this is normal and that babies cry just don't get it. I have 2 kids now. My second cries normally and is soothed once her needs are met. My first was a whole other experience and I was utterly incredulous when I realized that what most people are complaining about is the normal baby crying of my 2nd. It is absolutely easy to deal with in comparison to a colicky baby.

As a side point: That's not to say that there is anything "wrong" with your baby medically. It might be cmpa or reflux - but I think if it was an allergy you would see some difference after removing dairy. With my son, I think it was a combination of loads of little things, some of which got better as he got older and more able to manage them:

• being very alert from a young age and getting very overstimulated
• needing a lot of support to nap in the day and getting frazzled because he was tired and overstimulated
• being very sensitive to eg noise (huge startle response to everything and hyper aware of his environment from a very young age)
• comfort feeding to manage those difficulties and then getting a sore tummy
• comfort feeding because of the sore tummy
• gas pain because of fast let down
• very sensitive to any pain eg teething
• bad at sleeping - always overtired
• very low frustration/discomfort tolerance

But back to the main point:

• it has incredibly stressful to have a baby that cries inconsolably and cannot be soothed
• that won't last for ever. You are probably already through the worst of the crying.
• Your experience is not the normal experience, which is why it feels so incredibly hard. Because it is.

I think it is worth talking with your therapist about how stressful colic crying is to manage as a new mum. As your baby gets older their crying will be less urgent, but you may ght still feel an exaggerated response due to your experience when they were tiny. It is worth working on calming that response, but starting from the position that your early experience of motherhood was genuinely incredibly stressful and different, not from a place of shame.

@Pessismistic I agree with you. The baby started rolling this morning and my mum askied if I had a baby book in which to note it. I don't have a baby book with milestones - my mum offered to buy me one but I feel so terrified. On red alert all the time, as @SayDoWhatNow put it. I feel terrified. Just terrified of when he'll start crying, for how long, etc, I won't be able to soothe him and the worst is still yet to come, etc.

And I'll be told 20 different things (as is already the case) by professionals.

Note it down for what though? He rolled, amazing! Be in the moment for that. Get a photo of him rolled over. There’s your memory.

I’ve read through your thread and I just really want to reiterate it just does get so much easier. As a mum without a support network, feeding challenges and PND 3 times nothing, and I really mean NOTHING, has been as hard as the first 3-4 months were for me. My eldest is 6, my middle is 4.5 and genuinely irs 475x easier now; they sleep, they eat, they’re potty trained, we can just leave the house without a massive bag or a pram, they’re so funny and give amazing cuddles. Of course it’s not all sunshine and rainbows (toddler tantrums, potty training) but please honestly believe it gets so much easier and better. In the thick of PND I believed I’d never be happy again and I’d fucked our lives by having babies, years down the line and it really is so much easier. Maybe my babies weren’t that hard but I found it so hard, anything felt better than that to me!

Hi op I keep thinking about your post. And I’ve wanted to reply again but couldn’t find the words. DS was like your baby with pain issues and he was very premature so milestones were unpredictable. I had postpartum anxiety and PTSD but kept refusing help and wouldn’t medicate. I felt a similar sense of panic when DS would scream in pain for hours. The only thing that resolved it really was time as he grew and I figured out that he was ok. We tried all the medicines and tactics. Smaller feeds more often helped a bit but it’s hard work.
I checked my sleep tracker and at about 5 months DS started to sleep in 4-5 hour blocks and his stomach improved. Both made me feel a bit better mentally. So I send you hope, it will get better.
And a note that I still have generalised anxiety - it did subside but I still react to noise at night and have intrusive thoughts about DS safety. It’s hyper vigilance from his prematurity that I just can’t seem to shift. I still haven’t medicated. But the important point is that DS is fine - he has not been affected by my mental state and it all feels so massive when you are in it but I have largely forgotten it now. You will get through it and you will move on with your life again. Don’t make any major decisions now, focus on survival. Eat, sleep, walk and repeat and your gorgeous baby will grow and develop - and so will you.

And a note that well done on the rolling! It’s worth reading about wonder weeks and how it affects sleep. DS would sleep terribly when going through a development leap and it made it easier for me if I knew what was happening. All things with a baby are a phase - good and bad they will pass!

I had about three Milestone Book things that people bought me and I didn’t use any of them OP. It was just one more thing to have to think about and with a high need, screaming baby (also CMPA) I just didn’t have the energy or brain space to care about milestones.

My children are a lot older now and I can happily say they must have rolled at some point despite me not writing it down in a book as they are fully functioning children 🤣

As you are understandably anxious/stressed I highly recommend you do NOT start looking into the Wonder Weeks…. it will just be something else that may cause you unnecessary worry!!

One book will tell you that every baby is different and they all do things at their own pace (which is correct) yet this App/Concept likes to tell you that that every baby is expected to have a certain “leap” at a specific age and that every baby will have it at that exact same point on their life. It’s ridiculous. It’s no different to getting constant conflicting advice from different professionals which is very, very stressful - so I really sympathise that you’ve had to be dealing with that too.

What you are going through now is really hard. People who say the worst is yet to come had an easy baby that slept all day and lay on a mat playing with toys while they got on with stuff. So then when the toddler whining started, or they had to stop their crawling baby eating the wifi router everything felt really hard.

In terms of getting through this stage:

• it will end. Your baby won't cry like this for ever and soon they will start being more interactive and responsive, so it gets more rewarding too
• anti depressants can reduce the intensity of the overwhelming stress when the baby is crying
• practice doing more stuff out and about with the baby. That way you build up a bank of experiences where with the baby didn't cry, or they did cry and you managed to cope. Either scenario is better than being at home dreading them crying
• try to consciously calm and comfort yourself when things feel hard. Thoughts like "This is really hard but I can get through it" feel more reassuring than "I can't do this. What have I done to my life?"
• Soon the crying will be much less, but you might have to do some work for yourself to reduce your stress response when your baby does cry, because of how hard it felt right at the beginning

Hi
does the baby feel better in the bath when they are having tummy/bowel pain?
one of mine had gastro issues and the bath massively helped them. It’s awful when they scream with constipation etc, is the lactulose working?

I admit I found I got a lot of conflicting advice around this issue and I it seems there is a lot of guesswork and professionals disagreeing with each other when it comes to Gastro issues.

If the lactulose isn’t doing much it would be worth seeing a private pediatric gastroenterologist as often everyone else has reached the end of their expertise. Sometimes they can just feel the tummy and feel there is still stool inside them even though they are having regular bowel movements. Sometimes they can run a few simple tests. Often doctors blamed the bowel issues my daughter had on anxiety and even my anxiety (I was anxious because she was screaming, not the other way around!) and actually when we found a good Gastro team they found out what was actually the issue.

Obviously I am not saying there is a serious medical issue with your baby’s gut, and I don’t want to worry you unnecessarily. However if they are still in pain (pulling legs up screaming straining etc) then it’s worth a check up with a specialist in my experience, especially when the usual things aren’t working. It’s extremely frustrating and very stressful.

good news on the rolling, don’t worry about the baby book, just parent however you want. I never wrote a baby book and I don’t feel I missed out! Just take photos so you can look back later with your son.

Thank you so much @OrangeSlices998 and @Zippymonkey for taking the time to read the whole thread and take the time to post. My anxiety also - you'll have understood, because you have both read the thread- ties in with my fear that my son and I will be stuck in this small town forever and never live back in Paris together. I desperately hope that won't be true and that my fear of being totally on my own with a beautiful baby who my mother and sister can calm better than I can won't trap me under my mother's roof forever. I agree with you @Zippymonkey not to make any big decisions now, however.

Thank you also @ScaredButUnavoidable For some reason your user name sums up the way I feel in a way! 😄

And @Xmasallergies the Lactulose DOES work. It does makes the baby poop. I don't know whether I should perhaps stop giving it to him, at 15 weeks old, against the health visitors advice. Health visitor said to give it twice a day, but I genuinely don't know.

Is there any reason you want to stop giving the Lactulose to him when you say yourself that it works?

I have been following this post for some time.
There is a lot of advice which must be over whelming.
in fact this level of advice could raise anxiety level as opposed to reduce it.
I wonder if you should keep a diary of the crying so you start to see if there is a pattern.
You might also like to keep a diary of your own mood which may help you. I believe these may be helpful for professionals you meet.
I recognise you may be doing some of this already.
MN are rooting for you. Stay positive and believe in you as a mother. If others can do it so can you.

Op could you go to Paris for a week with a family member recharge yourself. I don’t think you will be stuck with your mum forever it’s just all getting on top of you right now. A lot of parents are terrified being responsible for this little person 247 it’s the hardest job in the world even with support. Op it does get better and I hope one day you’re sitting in Paris with him in his pram looking back and thinking how precious he is and enjoy him. Your confidence will grow with him there is no parent handbook it’s all on the parents but if you get help for your anxiety it will make your life easier and it doesn’t have to be long term. I really do hope everything gets better soon.

Because exclusively breastfed babies shouldn't be constipated, so I'm wondering if it is something else and not actually constipation. Good question, though.

It's uncommon but not impossible.
https://eric.org.uk/breastfed-babies-and-constipation/

I had PND with my first. She was a very unsettled baby and I had physical problems from the birth etc. I got some mental health support, which helped. Looking back, I wish I had just been more aware that every stage passes. To be grateful, rather than so anxious all the time. Things got better when my little girl started talking when she was 18 months old. We could start to have conversations and there was that feedback. It might be the same for you. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Thank you @Pessismistic for your kind words. It's only myself and my mum- she'd be the one who could come over to Paris with me. And my son, of course! My sister has a full-time job and three children and I have no other family members nearby.

Thank you for taking the time to follow the thread @FunCrab Your last line resumes exactly how I used to feel- just as I know people who are organised, competent and kind who are mothers, I also know people who are lazy, incompetent and forgetful who are mothers. I told myself that so many people can do it. I've received so many kind and positive comments but one negative comment at the beginning if the thread stuck with me- "This is why people don't have babies at 44."
As negative as that remark is, I'm thinking it must be true. I'm trying my best but it feels like my life is over. The difference between me and most other mothers is the fact that I'm totally single, and I'm older than every just about other first-time mother I know - maybe that's why this is so hellish for me.

Glad the lactulose works, sorry I missed that.
i would keep giving it if it’s working personally. At least it stops the crying linked to constipation.

Yes your age is not ideal but it’s doable I know a few women who have had surprise baby’s at 44 and older tbh. It was what you wanted so ignore the poster it doesn’t matter what they say it’s about the future now and your life is definitely not over. Don’t think that.

Op I know he’s breastfed do you think he’s getting enough milk. Just a thought as a family member had to swap to bottle feed as health visitor said baby not getting enough milk. My baby cried every single hour and I was also advised to put some clothing of mine close by baby that smelt of me but not putting baby in any danger and swaddling them. Might help?