Going through hell in early single motherhood

[BrendaSouleyman]

I am a single mother, aged 44, of a baby boy born late January. My baby was very much longed-for and was conceived using IVF donor sperm. Since he was born, however, things have been awful. I feel no joy, just panic and terror. I moved from Paris, where I lived for 21 years, back to my native north -west of Ireland, in with my mum in order to get some support with the baby but I miss my freedom and my previous life more than I could ever express. The fact that I had my freedom for so long (as I said, I'm 44) is a big factor. I had a lovely life and could hop on a flight or go to the theatre at the drop of a hat; now I have to tell my mum when I go for a pee and ask her to mind the baby. I may across as dense- of course I realised having a baby would curtail my freedom but I never imagined how I'd feel about the lack of freedom. I thought I was ready for it, but it's actually hell. I can not believe that I have traded in my lovely life for this -and I feel devastated that something (a much-longed for status as mother) that I wanted so much is causing me so much pain.
I've moved back in with my mum in the small, grey, town where I grew up. I attend mother and baby groups and they are very well and good, the other mums are very friendly, but it doesn't help with complete and utter despair. Their babies are older than mine and still aren't sleeping through the night (at ten or eleven months old)- which is apparently normal- I'd read in books that a baby should be able to sleep through the nightvat six months, which I now know is codswallop. The other mothers all have partners and I think that helps. My mother was helping me at night with the baby but, very sleep-deprived, she had a car accident a month ago. Thankfully she is OK but the passenger in the other car said she took a pregnancy test before the accident and iit was positive; another test a few days after the accidnet was negative. My mother's car is a write-off so we're taking taxis everywhere. My mother had to make a statement to the police. She's never had so much as a parking ticket in her life.

My older sister (who has three children aged 8, 6 and 4) picked me up from a mother and baby group yesterday. I asked her when things get easier, she said "It doesn't get easier, Brenda! They grow up and start answering back. I got kicked in bed last night (two of her kids get into bed with her in the middle of the night). I love my children but if I had my time over again, I honestly don't think I'd have had them." To be fair to my sister, she knows I've been anxious but she doesn't know that every minute of every day has been absolute hell. Her words left me despairing. And as I went to post this thread, I saw a thread started by a mother of a two year-old who said her sons sleep has regressed and that hes throwing tantrums, and she was asking if things get better.
So here have I been counting down the days and weeks until my baby cries less, sleeps more, deperately Googling when I will get a bit more freedom or when I will feel this overwhelming love that makes it all worthwhile-but it seems that there is no end to this hell in sight.

I am in contact with mental health services in my local Trust. A psychiatrist in the local Trust perinatal mental health service has suggested anti-depressant called Mirtazapine which is compatible with breastfeeding but I was prescrived various anti- depressants many years ago and none had any effect. The psychiatrist knows that and is not at all forcing me to take them. Also, I couldn't co-sleep with the baby if I take an anti-depressant and co- sleeping is how I get some sleep at night. I have had sessions with a CBT therapist who says the way I am feeling is not unusual but that it does get better. Yet I read plenty of posts from parent of two and three year olds who are still going through hell, and then that comment from my sister yesterday that it doesnt get easier has augmented my despair.
All I know is that I can not go on like this.
My baby son is so beautiful but I have been researching if i can put him into care. It would break my heart, but I really do not think I could live for more months like this. I have been doing everything "right"- in contact with the local perinatal mental health services and seeing a counsellor- and I still don't see any hope.

I agree OP and I'm not sure what is to be gained by posting to someone who is going through what you are that there is no, hope and that things won't get better and they'll be sobbing on the street in two years to come when you're already feeling suicidal now.

The PP admitted she hadn't had PND so maybe she can't see how vastly insensitive and useless her post was. It's surely common sense that if you can't offer hope or something positive to someone who has clearly stated they are having suicidal thoughts then don't post at all.

Just to add, both my babies slept through before 6 months. Neither are developmentally traumatised. And certainly a toddler waking hourly into toddlerhood is very much not the norm. Most of my friends had toddlers who slept through and even the ones who were woken it was once or twice.

Yes I think some parents are being dramatic, it will get better for the OP, but I also think that you probably had quite an easy time of it. OP has already detailed her issues with formula, and I'm not sure about her son, but my daughter would never take a soother, so that option was out. Formula also made no difference to the quality or quantity of my baby's sleep. A baby sleeping thorugh the night at 4 months is the exception rather than the rule unfortunately. It's great that you had that experience but it simply isn't that easy for everyone (if it was we'd be doing it!).

I haven't kept up well with this long thread, but I just wanted to say - aside from exaggerating/focusing on the worst-case scenarios (which I think is probably true): even when it's rough, we get through. I had a baby who was an awful sleeper. I was aware of it at the time; she was ill and the circumstances were difficult; I've done NCT again second time around and it reinforced to me that she really wasn't particularly typical. And you know what? Even so, you get through it.It is totally normal to feel how the OP feels. It doesn't make her a bad mum or justify any of the 'ooh how worrying you don't feel how I felt' comments. And it's not forever.

Yes, as in I was an emotional mess because I was being exhausted, but I didn't have any accompanying mental health stuff. When she (temporarily) started sleeping better, my mood instantly lifted. In the same way, if someone close to you dies and you're deep in grief, that isn't necessarily a mental health issue.

There's another thread somewhere on Mumsnet where people are discussing whether kids get easier and the hardest stages. There's quite a range of opinions.

It’s more situational depression than as a result of chemical imbalances.

OP, for what it’s worth, my children both slept appallingly until gone 2 but a) I did get used to it and b) it got far easier as their personalities were developing, we could go out and do more and they could interact with me etc!

It mentioned that babies whose cries are routinely ignored, as in not-good-enough parenting, often are described as good sleepers. I was interested because of my work, but I also think I have developmental trauma (it accounts for all of the problems I’ve struggled with, where other explanations don’t) and my parents always said I was a good sleeper.

However, all that said, my sister’s kids have all been “good sleepers” without ever being left to cry, and they were all breastfed. Mine wouldn’t sleep if I wasn’t there- hers got cross if she was there!

The trauma training did not mention sleep training, but fwiw my ex wanted us to sleep train (allow to cry it out) our baby at about 6 months, maybe (I’m not too clear on the age tbh) and it was the most appalling thing- I cried almost as much as she did. I found it really really upsetting. (He wanted to try it because his friend had left hers to cry from tiny, she would turn the volume off the monitor and just leave them to it, but I couldn’t have done that. And he didn’t push too hard- I think he struggled too.)
I put my foot down and stopped it after a couple of gos. I moved out of our bed and into a bed I shared with my baby, then later on I used the No Cry Sleep Solution book to night wean. Co sleeping worked really well for me, when she could walk she would start the night in her bed and come in with me when she woke, so it barely disturbed me.

My baby was a crier for weeks when newborn and didn’t sleep well at night for months (years!?), but she did come through the criting and it was like the sun coming out. Honestly I don’t think there is a single answer, unfortunately, but just trying different things. I would recommend that book though, you can get it on kindle and second hand quite readily.

Oh we also used Infacol before every feed.

Toddlers are difficult, but i think its so different. They hopefully sleep better than a baby of 10 months or so (and I say that, mine slept through for the first time at 18 months), the hormone side is easier to manage, hopefully any PND has been supported and is improving, people have often made friendships with people who have children the same age, the child may be in childcare for a while, parents may be back at work so they have some time separate from the child etc. I say this as someone who was very lucky to sail through the newborn stage, and I will never take that for granted because I know it was just luck.

Toddlers are irrational, but they're usually easy to diffuse, ie mine has been in a foul mood this morning mainly because I wouldn't let him sit in the litter tray (mean mummy) so I just took him out for a walk and we're both feeling much better for burning off some energy and getting some fresh air.

All children are different. Things obviously always get easier (or else why would people have multiple children?!) there will always be challenges along the way and thats okay too. You're doing a wonderful job.

I believe this is because sleep training doesnt stop the child from waking, they just learn not to cry as nobody is coming. So it's not that theyre better sleepers necessarily, its that they wake and dont cry because there is no point. Whereas children who are parented responsively often feel more safe and secure and are able to cry to get their needs met.

I wasn't a perfect mother. I tried to be with no 1, all that breast feeding and changing everything I ate and pureeing and turning off the radio in case they never learned to talk. DC1 sounds a bit like your baby. I also tried dummies, which were spat out. 'They get the idea,' said a friend, 'if you put a little honey on them, just for the first few days.'
She was right. They did. They are 29 now with perfect teeth. The dummy was like an off-button for the screaming that worked maybe 70% of the time. I am not recommending you do this (I have heard since that babies shouldn't have honey for instance). But it works.

You could frame it like that, or you could frame it as teaching them the skills to settle themselves.

I think implying that sleep training gives babies developmental trauma on a post started by a desperate new mum is pretty irresponsible tbh.

My Facebook feed was flooded with posts from crunchy mum type parenting sites when my kids were babies, and I took a lot of issue with what seemed like overly emotive and manipulative language. "It's only a few years of sleep deprivation...they're so tiny...studies in Romanian orphanages" etc etc. They seemed designed to guilt trip fragile and vulnerable new mothers into denying their own needs.

Now, the baby comes first. Of course he does. But the two of you are a partnership, and your health is incredibly important too. You need to be in as good a state as possible to look after him! He'll thrive better with a well rested, present mother rather than one who is so exhausted she starts driving into walls.

I haven’t read all the posts but just wanted to say that for me it absolutely got so much better and so much easier.

I felt exactly like you when my eldest was a newborn (and I would have found it even harder if I’d moved back with my mum). I enjoyed the toddler stage a bit more and loved age 3+. Now both my kids are at primary school and I’m so glad I had them. I do believe it gets better - not just different, but better.

I haven't read the whole thread but I have read all of your posts @BrendaSouleyman . My situation isn't like yours; I have 2 kids now (2 and almost 5) but I am living with their Dad so I have lots of support. I recognise a lot of your emotions though, so I wanted to share my experience.

I had my first child at 37 so pretty standard these days, but not young. We decided to leave London to be closer to family and I deeply regretted it (I still do if I am honest but we are moving to another city as a bit of a compromise). I really, REALLY identify with the feelings of grief for your life before kids. I felt hopeless, trapped, like I'd made a terrible mistake. I couldn't bare the total loss of autonomy that seemed to happen overnight when I gave birth; I HAD to pick him up when he cried, I HAD to feed him when he cried (he was BF), I couldn't just walk away. I really struggled and sometimes when I was walking down the pavement I and a lorry drove past I would get the overwhelming desire to jump in front of it, just so I didn't have to go home.

Things ARE better now. We have tough times but the feelings of love have grown over time. I genuinely can't wait to see my kids when I have been away for the night - I run to find them when I get home. I didn't feel like that for a long time.

You will forge a new life for yourself with your little man. It won't be like the old life, but it will be wonderful.

I would reconsider your living situation - I can understand why you came home but I would go back to Paris. Your life is there. Cities are great for small kids - there is so much for you and them to do. Good luck xx

My youngest is 2.5 now (oldest 5yrs old next month) and i genuinely feel like I am emerging from the worst of it. I love being able to talk to them, I love the activities we are starting to be able to do as a family. The baby years were so hard IMO but it feels very much worth it now.

I wasnt implying that sleep training gives babies developmental trauma. (Though I do think the extinction/CIO method are absolutely vile) I was saying that sleep trained babies still wake up just as often as non sleep trained babies. I have no idea what 'crunchy mum' means.

You'll see with my other posts I was extremely supportive of OP. I was just answering a different posters post.

It's funny, every day in those early days can feel like it lasts 124 hours instead of 24, and you feel like you are clinging on by your fingertips and somehow getting to the next day where it just starts over again.

And then gradually little things, really small things, start bringing pleasure again. A cup of tea you can drink without it getting cold, a funny conversation, a mumsnet thread even.

Then bigger delights like first smiles, steps, first words. Toddlers can be annoying (like the biscuit thing mentioned earlier) but also so sweet and funny! And before you know it time has flown and the days seem different from each other again. I couldn't pinpoint exactly when it gets easier, but it does.

And children are great fun to travel with, just taking such delight in the plane, the theatre etc. Yes, there's more to plan, pack etc. but that just becomes part of life, and you'll have a companion who can take part in yours. You'll get there OP.

You could frame it like that, or you could frame it as teaching them the skills to settle themselves.
I think implying that sleep training gives babies developmental trauma on a post started by a desperate new mum is pretty irresponsible tbh.

I don’t think anyone has suggested that. I certainly didn’t. Sleep training doesn’t have to mean cry it out anyway; for example there are methods where you are connecting with baby vocally or by touch, but you aren’t picking them up. Baby will cry but also knows you’re there. And in the book I referenced, The No Cry Sleep Solution, basically does what it says and I personally found those methods easier than CIO, which was viscerally very difficult for me and might not help the OP.

I wanted to say to OP that babies may be crying babies or non-crying babies, and it isn’t always easy to say why they’re one way or the other, so in my experience you just have to try and find something that works for you and your baby. I was desperate for an “answer” for mine, but there wasn’t one, except time. My sister’s babies just were able to self soothe and sleep alone even though she hadn’t wanted to leave them alone, meanwhile I really did want to and I couldn’t 😅

See, to me saying this (your quote attached) would suggest that you believe it.

I dont think anyone is referring to sleep training as developmental trauma. Developmental trauma can be sexual abuse, physical abuse or neglect. (Which is in turn inferring OP is a lovely mum whose baby seeks out comfort from her when he needs it)

Great, glad you agree.

Appropriate sleep training does not cause developmental trauma.

Do I believe that babies with developmental trauma are often seen as good sleepers? Yes, since the reputable training I did (Beacon House) told me they are. Does that mean I also believe that sleep training traumatises babies? No, and I didn’t say that. If OP read it like that I apologise, it wasn’t my intention and actually a discussion on sleep training is probably unhelpful here.

The OP said her therapist told her that for most babies, sleeping through before 6 months or so isn’t a realistic expectation- I was supporting that point, that therefore her baby is not an outlier, he’s perfectly normal, and likely to follow a normal path like other babies. This bit won’t be her whole experience, even though it may feel like it at the moment (which I also empathised with).

It does get better! The early months of a baby are so tedious sometimes, to give you hope i felt exactly the same with my first and i now have 5 kids so there is proof that its not all hard all the time- else us mums would never go on to have more.
that overwhelming, instant love your supposed to feel doesn’t always kick in right away, i know it didn’t for me with my first and i felt so terrible about it, it was very much a learnt bond and love with my first as it was all very overwhelming and tiring and hardwork so i never really had that instant love and bond with her but that hasn’t affected our relationship ever or now- she is 15.
these early months are definitely the worst, even though they still cry and tantrum and wake in the night sometimes till 2 (my 2 year old still wakes every 2-3 hours) there is also more reward to help keep you going- like when im exhausted and my 2 year old throws her arms around me and says “love you” my exhaustion is forgotten for a short while and its all worth it, if that makes sense.

Thank you for very lovely posts @WhichBigToe @ThelastRolo20 and @ThisRealLimePanda

@Booboobob The doctor marked the prescription for Lactulose "Twice a day as required" and so i was doing as you did - giving the baby Lactulose until he had a good poo and then not giving any more for a while, until he seemed constipated again.
However, when I asked the health visitor about this week, she told me that was pointless, I might as well be giving him water, and I should give it twice a day continuously (2.5ml per dose).

What is your baby’s poo pattern like?

In breastfed babies it can be normal for them to go a week without a dirty nappy, sometimes even longer.

Are his stools hard and firm without the lactulose and is he in pain when trying to open his bowels?

Breastfed babies generally don’t get constipated as breast milk has a lot of water in it, and true constipation in BF babies is generally linked to CMPA (or other allergies) but I can see you’re already addressing that.

An (Irish) midwife in France told me that it is indeed very rare for breastfed babies to be constipated @ScaredButUnavoidable but the paediatrician I consulted via videolink said it can happen.
Baby's poos are quite watery, perhaps a bit mucus-y; never hard and thankfully no blood.
I know it can take a week or even ten days for a breastfed baby to do a poo but the problem is that it seems to be causing him pain; red faced, squirming and pushing.

It could be wind.

I used to have to lay my baby on his back and ever so gently move his legs up to his belly and down again, then keep repeating until he passed wind.