Should my 11-year-old be allowed more privacy from her father?

[Mandy1010]

My daughter is soon to be a 11yo. If she is in the bathroom her father will often go in there also to brush his teeth and do whatever he needs to do. In the past she has said to him that she is in there and can he come back when she has finished and not just barge in.

Last night at bedtime she was about to have a bath. She was already undressed. He went in to brush his teeth and do his bathroom routine. I overheard him telling her that she is not to lock the bathroom door as if she had a problem in there (•like a medical problem) that the lock is too strong and he wouldn’t be able to get in there to help. I kind of feel like he is saying it as he doesn’t want to be locked out and that at this age it is inappropriate.
I said it is ok for her to lock the door if she wants to but if she doesn’t lock it and door is shut he needs to knock and only come in if she allows it. I feel this is normal. Am I wrong??
she often likes me to be in the bathroom as company so I sit on the toilet but I only do this when she requests it. I am more than happy (would prefer to) chill else whilst she is in bath/shower. he seems to think if I am in there why cant he be. I feel like I am respecting her boundaries whereas he isn’t. Aside from the biological issue that he is male and I’m female.

I don’t think he is adjusting for the fact she is not a little girl anymore.

im just looking for other people perspective.

I asked her after, as unfortunately this argument played out in front of her, what she thought . She said that it more bothers her when she wants space in her bedroom and he just comes in anyway. But I worry she is just trying to keep the peace as we argued about it in front of her about it and also he got angry at her about something unrelated yesterday which will feel fresh and she may feel she doesn’t want to make him angry.

i feel like I need to have a conversation with him about this and assert her right to privacy but want to see others point of view before I do.

He should be respecting her boundaries. If she has specifically asked him not to come in the bathroom or her bedroom without first knocking, then that’s what he should do. My dd started her period at 10 and her body was developing at 11 so she definitely wouldn’t want her dad to see her in the bath. She will occasionally ask me to come wash her hair for her but I would only go in when she said I could. My boys are 11 and I wouldn’t walk in on them either. You need to speak to him again and tell him to stop

He needs to keep out. She's growing up, she's not comfortable with it it so that's it. My husband hasn't been in the bathroom with my daughter in years. Would he go in if needed in an emergency? Yes of course. But just to do his teeth? No, it can't wait or if he's rushing out he asks her to come out a second and she will pop dressing gown or towel on while he goes in.

If the lock is the worry, change the lock. Most home bathroom locks should be able to be unlocked from the outside with a flathead screwdriver.
So that's a ridiculous reason.
She is entitled to privacy in the bathroom

It’s about respect, not about the age or sex of the child. It’s annoying when you’re trying to do something and someone else barges in and takes over the space (bathroom, kitchen, whatever). It says, ‘my time is more important than yours’. Tell him he’s being selfish and disrespectful.

Your husband is behaving terribly. She is absolutely entitled to privacy and when she’s in the bathroom he will have to wait. The not locking the door due to a “ medical episode” is utter bullshit.

He’s controlling and weird. He shouldn’t just be going into her bedroom either. She will grow up to hate him if he’s not careful and if she doesn’t to see him, you might not see her. Poor child.

Do you have one bathroom? If so then you all need to work together on a plan to share the space that doesn't include multiple people in there at once. And of course your daughter shouldn’t have an audience while bathing! I’m pretty shocked your husband wouldn’t understand this.

I give my 3 year old privacy on the loo when she ask for it (they’re being taught how to be independent for school at nursery) she’s aware I need to go in and wipe her bum, and she doesn’t ask often, it tends to be when her little brother is around and annoying her.

11 is old enough to use the bathroom entirely independently - loo, shower etc. if he needs to get in she needs to knock or set a time limit if there’s a genuine issue of her being in when she needs to.

personally I’d brush teeth/ hair/ wash face etc with my dad even now! So maybe explain to her that there could be a compromise. But equally if she wants alone time he needs to respect that.

My daughter is 8. We are already adjusting a bit around showering etc. She is ok with me helping her shower (she’s recently moved from the bath with her little sister) but not my husband. It seems to be a slow transition but I think by 11, she would have privacy in the bathroom. Many 11 year olds have breasts, public hairs and have started their periods. He is overstepping and does not sound respectful.

Your husband is so unreasonable. He needs to leave her alone.

His behaviour is really fucking weird OP, I mean huge red flag weird. And the fact that you’re both letting him walk over your boundaries because you’re worried about making him angry is also very concerning.

Don’t let him question how you or your DD feel about this. Dads figure out that their daughters are developing into young Women and need privacy pretty quickly. I’m not sure why your H hasn’t noticed or why he’s not listening.

You are completely right. Even before this age she’s entitled to privacy using the toilet and washing. I’m not saying this is abuse, but I’d get him to think about how he think it looks that she can’t have basic privacy. At best it’s him saying he is more important that anyone else in the house

100% your husband is being unreasonable. I remember getting to about 10 as a kid and being SO annoyed and uncomfortable when my dad would be faffing around the bathroom doing his teeth etc. when I was in the bath. I’d sit there hugging my knees to my chest to hide my body till he left, all the while getting freezing in the bath. He finally got the hint and stopped doing it. Kids can be embarrassed about saying they’re uncomfortable with it though, especially when the parent is telling them not to be, so she may be more uncomfortable with it than she’s letting on. Regardless though, at that age she needs privacy and her dad needs to start respecting that

His behaviour is bizarre is he like this about other things?

Shes 11 presumably she isnt bathing at 10pm at night why does he desperately need to brush teeth / pee at 9pm / whenever. He should leave her alone for 10 mins

Your husband’s behaviour is creepy and if he continues to do it and justify it it’s a safe guarding red flag OP.
You have a responsibility to protect your daughter and to teach her she has every right to privacy and to protect herself and make choices about what she is not comfortable with, she owes nobody an explanation.

Someone has asked if there is only one bathroom and suggested coming up with a system if you do. We have one bathroom and I grew up on a house with only one. The system we have is usually keeping the door open but if it’s closed, we knock. The main thing that makes the system work though is respect for our family members which your H seems to be lacking.

Why is he going into her bedroom uninvited too?

You will have to advocate for your DD and tell him he is completely out of order.

If he doesn't prioritise his DD's needs for privacy and respect, you have a very serious problem which you need to think through carefully.

Your husband’s behaviour is very odd and controlling even. He is also teaching your daughter that she can’t have any boundaries around men in case they get angry. You really need to stand up for her OP.

This in spades.

His behaviour, and the way he's reacting to her discomfort, is deeply concerning. Why is he going into her bedroom when she doesn't want him in there? Why does he want to be around her when she's naked, and doesn't want him there?

This screams potential grooming/abuse to me, I'm afraid.

This completely.

Honestly, his behaviour is really concerning.

Personally I’d go in quite hard on this. It is absolutely unreasonable. I’d point out she has / will soon have periods and a woman’s body and has an absolute right to privacy. I’d tell him I have been a young woman at that age and I know how it feels. He doesn’t. What he is doing is a form of violation of her body and it is non negotiable that he packs it in. Bedroom and bathroom. I don’t care if he can’t see the problem. I know it is a problem and im telling him it must stop. If he fights me on this, he is essentially fighting me for the right to ensure he has access to his naked pubescent daughter - does he want to be that man?

He’s a creepy, nasty fucker.

What do you think school would say if she told them her father did this?

As you may gather my relationship with him is not in a good place.
as a background I think he feels threatened that my relationship is much closer to her than his. He does go in her bedroom but not in a creepy way. He gets offended sometimes if she doesn’t want him in there. I think he is just trying to be involved but in a misguided, counterproductive kind of way.

we have 3 bathrooms ( well a family bathroom, loft en-suite and a downstairs loo)
she was in the bath at 9:15 last night.

I agree with this too and think OP is underreacting.

As you have three bathrooms this is even worse. He had to barge in on her naked rather than just use a different bathroom? wtf?

Thanks. I do feel like I need to go in hard on this.
he can be an angry man though and I have to steel myself for it. This is a fight I need to have though reading all the previous comments.