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Parenting

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Original poster

Nasty bullying of DD (1.5) by DS (2.5) - Tonight he broke her finger, I'm at a loss.

160 replies

AmiWhatAndWhy · 19/06/2008 23:58

They are less than a year apart, and generally get along really well. DS can be extremely protective and loving towards her and they share toys, food etc nicely.

Recently though I've seen if they are left alone when he is tired or frustrated he gets seriously nasty towards her. One occasion last week I went to the loo and heard a huge commotion, to find he'd trapped her inside the toybox, and was sitting on the lid laughing as she hysterically screamed.

He also tries to take food and drinks away from her, even when he has been given exactly the same and she just lets him. It's heartbreaking as she idolises him and he can be so cruel.

Tonight was something else though and he is currently in bed crying, DD is asleep in our bed with DP.

They share a room, DS in a toddler bed and DD in a cot. Sometimes he climbs into her cot and they sleep together, which he did this evening and it's always been fine so I turned out the light and left them.

I then heard proper screaming and dashed into their room. He was kneeling on her chest with her hand in his mouth, he had fucking blood around his mouth. I'm ashamed to say it but I pulled him off her and threw him to the floor. Her entire hand was covered in bite marks, and really deep ones, bleeding everywhere and her index finger was blue and swollen. How could he have done so much damage in less than a minute? We consoled her, cleaned her up and put tcp and plasters on but her finger kept swelling and I saw she couldn't move it. DP took her to A&E and she needed to have skin glue on one wound and an x ray showed a small break to her finger. They have taped it to the next finger, and also wrapped a bandage over her whole hand as she's too young to know not to mess with it. I am furious, with DS but mainly with myself. We sat him down and showed him she is hurt and he said sorry, but he doesn't even know the true meaning.

How am I supposed to stop this sort of thing happening? What am I doing wrong?

OP posts:

SmugColditz · 20/06/2008 00:03

YOu need to separate them, don't ever leave them alone together. Your ds isn't being cruel, he is being two - how much empathy does the average two year old have? None.

Don't be angry with your toddlers for behaving like toddlers. You can't make him be a big child because your daughter is a small child - they are both very very small children.

Don't leave him to cry. Go and comfort him. He's probably terrified and I will tell you something for sure - he doesn't even know what a bone is much less the damage he's done to one of his sister's.

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but it's true. You really only have yourselves to blame when one toddler hurts another one.

BoysAreLikeDogs · 20/06/2008 00:03

How horrific for all of you

I think you might need professional help, but from where ? I don't know

SmugColditz · 20/06/2008 00:04

PS It's not bullying. It's normal toddler behavior.

fortyplus · 20/06/2008 00:06

You haven't said how old they are but I'm guessing he's under 3 himself? This kind of irrational, extreme behaviour is very hard to bear, but it will get better. My nephew used to be horrible to my neice - they are 13 months apart. They're 7 and 8 now and get along just as well if not better than most siblings.

Original poster

AmiWhatAndWhy · 20/06/2008 00:07

Hitting around the head with a bit of train track is normal toddler behaviour, this is not that.

He was laughing as he was doing it, imagine seeing your PFB with blood around his mouth laughing as he kneels on his hysterically screaming sister. If that's normal I must have had an easy time of it so far.....

OP posts:

Joolyjoolyjoo · 20/06/2008 00:07

What a horrible thing to happen! But I don't think you are doing anything wrong, really- your ds is still pretty young himself, and I doubt he actually meant to hurt her. I found at this age my kids didn't seem sorry for things that appalled me, but I'm not sure they have the emotional capacity to take it in, tbh. Mine used to just stare at me, eyes glazed as I tried to explain why we were upset, but I wonder if they actually get so traumatised by the whole chain of events that they have started they just switch off.

My guess is that your ds is experimenting with his superior strength. You might need to just be vigilant until he gets past this particular phase, and try to ride it out. I'm sure he will grow up a nicely rounded individual- don't worry!

Schnockers · 20/06/2008 00:09

I agree with Colditz.

You have two babies.
What has happened is upsetting and scary.

But don't let it affect your feelings towards your DS in the long term.

Don't leave them alone together, and be equally affectionate to them both.

It will be hard, but the first few years with siblings close in age is tough.

SmugColditz · 20/06/2008 00:10

You need to get a grip and stop demonising your poor little boy. It is normal if they aren't stopped.

He is a two year old child. He cannot help being bigger than his sister. If you cannot trust them in the same room together (and at that age I wouldn't) then you need to separate them, not start accusing a two year old of not being normal. It is normal, it just needs to be prevented.

Tiggiwinkle · 20/06/2008 00:11

Colditz is right. I had two DSs with 15 months between them. You have to watch them ALL the time. 2.5 years is not old enough to be responsible for his own behaviour.

Miaou · 20/06/2008 00:12

How extremely frightening for you all. But your ds is barely more than a baby himself and has absolutely no concept of what he is doing.

however it has proved beyond any reasonable doubt that you cannot ever leave them alone together, not even for a minute. Take dd to the loo with you when you go. Put them in separate rooms (even if that means dd going in with you). But don't don't whatever you do, make out to ds that he is "to blame". Tell him he will get the room to himself, not that you have to take dd away from him. Take dd to the loo with you so that she "won't annoy him", or some such. It's so important that he isn't made to feel bad about it.

That said, any more incidents of this nature should be stopped as soon as they start - a firm "no", use of naughty chair/step/whatever works for you, stickers for good behaviour, whatever. Zero tolerance.

SmugColditz · 20/06/2008 00:13

He won't feel sorry, he won't even remember tomorrow, he certainly won't link his actions with any injury his sister has. He probably plays roughly with his teddies too. He won't even see his sister as a person like him. She's just furniture to him at this age. He won't consider for a second that she feels pain - it may not be a concept he is developmentally able to grasp. You are expecting way, way too much self control from a child of two years old. Stop blaming him for being two.

Original poster

AmiWhatAndWhy · 20/06/2008 00:13

Colditz- When DP left for the hospital I comforted him, tried to explain why I was so cross and we sat on the sofa together looking at a book. I then made him some hot chocolate and he took a sip, then poured it all over me and he did it knowingly.
Hence he was sent straight back to bed. Then I comforted him again when DD got home, read him a story in bed and he went to sleep. He woke up and started throwing toys at the wall, and wouldn't listen to reason. That's why I chose to ignore him, and his behaviour.

Flame me if that's bad parenting but I am bloody knackered, drained and don't have a clue what else to do.

OP posts:

Schnockers · 20/06/2008 00:15

Ami, I think you need to try and get some rest.

The incident must have been frightening and upsetting.

But children do hurt each other sometimes, and they can be quick about it, when no-one is looking.

Your two year old baby is flexing his muscles.

He knows he is bigger and stronger than his sister, who has come along and stole a bit of his thunder.

He doesn't understand the implications of what he has done.

Please try and get some sleep, and come back to this thread in the morning, when you've got a bit of distance from the incident.

SmugColditz · 20/06/2008 00:16

He
is
two

They are naughty, willful and annoying.

It's blisteringly hard work, I really do feel for you, but you can't make him act older than he is just because you need him to.

I'm not commenting on your parenting, God knows I am no paragon of virtue, but you seem to be expecting a distressing amount of emotional maturity from a baby.

Original poster

AmiWhatAndWhy · 20/06/2008 00:18

Thanks Miaou for calm and very reasonable advice.

Smug, apt, Colditz, this is just one of the reasons I rarely post here. Bored/ Boring people take it upon themselves to constantly criticise a random poster they don't even know. And relentlessly. What is the point?

OP posts:

Schnockers · 20/06/2008 00:19

Your DS is a 30 month old baby.
He will have been acting up with you tonight because he would have been able to sense that all was not well.

I had two children under the age of two.
The first few years were stunningly hard.

You have to be on your toes all the time.

Don't blame yourself.

More importantly, don't blame DS.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 20/06/2008 00:21

I don't think you are a bad parent- it's very hard to see your child rationally when you are in the situation and I think you coped as well as could be expected. It's not a situation that most people would deal with calmly and lovingly, I don't think, regardless of what the "right" way to deal with it is. It's very hard to be objective about your own child- you see him as a little person, I imagine, with a personality that you know and love and which this turn of events does not tally with. It's all very well people saying "he is just a baby", but he isn't- he's YOUR baby, and you can't help feeling shocked at such out-of-character behaviour.

I don't think you deserve to be flamed. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Schnockers · 20/06/2008 00:22

I think Colditz has posted good advice, and shown kindness.

It seems to me that she has tried to put your mind at rest, and tried to assure you that this is normal behaviour for such a little child.

bruxeur · 20/06/2008 00:24

Erm, Ami - you asked for help and advice and you got it. Miaou only reiterated what SC had already said.

SmugColditz · 20/06/2008 00:24

The point is that you may stop and think next time you are about to expect a great deal too much from your baby simply because he had the misfortune to be born first.

Why post if you are going to demand only answers of agreement? I do not agree with you that his behavior is not normal. I do not agree with you that it should be safe to leave two under 3s alone in a room with no supervision. I do not agree with you that your older baby should know better.

but hey, you're not going to listen to us all pleading with you to please remember when you look at him tomorrow that he isn't a Bully, he's a Baby so....

You poor thing. Hugs.

wrinklytum · 20/06/2008 00:25

Oh dear!!As others have said he is only 2 and won't realise what he has done.

If it is any consolation I was hanging out washing today and had put dd on her little ride on (She has sn and has just learnt to sit on it) A few moments later there was an awful shreik.Turned out her big brother (nt and 4.5) had tied the end of the washing line around the back of the truck and was dragging it backwards causing dd to pitch over the front onto her face (her balance is not fantastic) My fault for turning my back but also had to tell ds off as he should know a bit better at four,but then he is still small.He was giving dd a "fast ride like on a fair" apparently.!!Kids,eh!!

Original poster

AmiWhatAndWhy · 20/06/2008 00:29

''You need to get a grip and stop demonising your poor little boy''

Nice, just what every mother wants to hear. In what way was that useful advice?

Sorry to get angry, but I just am. I'm emotionally wrought anyway through two recent bereavements and this seems too much to deal with right now.

I should leave this alone, you are right, and I'll post tomorrow morning when hopefully things seem a bit clearer.

OP posts:

Tiggiwinkle · 20/06/2008 00:29

Everyone is trying to tell you that your little boys behaviour was not "nasty bullying" but normal. Why is that not what you want to hear?

Schnockers · 20/06/2008 00:30

Try and get some rest.
Things will be OK.

Original poster

AmiWhatAndWhy · 20/06/2008 00:30

(embarrassed at stream of consciousness last post)

Goodnight

OP posts:

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