Nasty bullying of DD (1.5) by DS (2.5) - Tonight he broke her finger, I'm at a loss.

[AmiWhatAndWhy]

They are less than a year apart, and generally get along really well. DS can be extremely protective and loving towards her and they share toys, food etc nicely.

Recently though I've seen if they are left alone when he is tired or frustrated he gets seriously nasty towards her. One occasion last week I went to the loo and heard a huge commotion, to find he'd trapped her inside the toybox, and was sitting on the lid laughing as she hysterically screamed.

He also tries to take food and drinks away from her, even when he has been given exactly the same and she just lets him. It's heartbreaking as she idolises him and he can be so cruel.

Tonight was something else though and he is currently in bed crying, DD is asleep in our bed with DP.

They share a room, DS in a toddler bed and DD in a cot. Sometimes he climbs into her cot and they sleep together, which he did this evening and it's always been fine so I turned out the light and left them.

I then heard proper screaming and dashed into their room. He was kneeling on her chest with her hand in his mouth, he had fucking blood around his mouth. I'm ashamed to say it but I pulled him off her and threw him to the floor. Her entire hand was covered in bite marks, and really deep ones, bleeding everywhere and her index finger was blue and swollen. How could he have done so much damage in less than a minute? We consoled her, cleaned her up and put tcp and plasters on but her finger kept swelling and I saw she couldn't move it. DP took her to A&E and she needed to have skin glue on one wound and an x ray showed a small break to her finger. They have taped it to the next finger, and also wrapped a bandage over her whole hand as she's too young to know not to mess with it. I am furious, with DS but mainly with myself. We sat him down and showed him she is hurt and he said sorry, but he doesn't even know the true meaning.

How am I supposed to stop this sort of thing happening? What am I doing wrong?

Champagneandroses, you should read an entire thread before you wade in with opinions. No one has said that it is remotely acceptable behaviour but the DS was a baby. The mother wouldn't leave an expensive ornament in a cot with him and so shouldn't leave his baby sister in the same cot. They need constant watching at that age.
I think, as someone said,they will laugh over it as teeenagers- DS should not be labelled as a future thug. A 2 year old can be taught that it is wrong but he doesn't empathise.
I remember being shocked when a 4 year old was stamping on the hand of a child and continued to do so as he screamed, I thought this was abnormal behaviour but she is now 10yrs old and a kind, caring girl.

I was going to post the other night and say this is not normal behaviour, you should never leave them alone etc. I didnt get a round to it.

Last night my four year old bit my 18mth old's finger in the bath while they were playing. Totally out of character and she was distraught afterwards.

On reflection I think it is normal for the odd bout of biting, rough and tumble. Agree with the other posters that you should NEVER leave them alone together. I would also be concerned about the lack of remorse from the child but then at 2 it is difficult to know how children react to being told off.

Hope your DDs finger heals soon...

champagneandroses on Mon 23-Jun-08 01:23:00

'Just out of interest Cory what happened to
change your brother from a violent child into a caring family man?'

Never ever giving up on him. Never speaking of him as if he was a bad person. Ever! Restraining him gently but firmly and stopping him from hurting other people, but loving him at the same time. Starting every day afresh.

There was no external input- no doctors or psychologists involved. Just endless patience on the part of my parents. And he is truly a lovely person. But then he was a lovely child (with a few problems) and he was surrounded by people who saw that.

If you're going to head into Psychology - please ask for a referral to a clinical psychologist NOT a psychiatrist.

Clinical psychologists are well versed in development and in dealing with challenging behaviours. This is their bread and butter day to day work. They are generally ime sensible and non-judgmental.

They would look at this from the point of view of the extreme immaturity and the fact that it all happened very quickly (less than a minute according to OP- it was not a sustained attack).

I am absolutely certain that they would say that this is normal behaviour if the child is given the opportunity, so although your ds might seem very grown up lots of the times- especially compared to his sister, he is still a baby. As someone else said you wouldn't let him play unsupervised with your best china....... I'm not saying this in any way judgmentally - I get surprised at how utterly immature ds2 (aged 6) can be as he's meant to be my 'sensible, big boy' and the one I don't have to watch. Except even at 6 and sensible and gentle - he can do the stupidest and most immature things.

I might add that dd went through a period of violent rages between the ages of 7 and 9. Hardly normal, but then the circumstances were hardly normal. Most children don't suffer from sudden unexplained pain and disability, they are not told by consultants that they are imagining it all, they are not kept in hospital on (completely unfounded) suspicions of sexual abuse. She was badly messed up- as a parent you just have to deal with it. I was grateful to have learnt some safe methods of restraint from those distant days of watching my brother.

Again, a firm and consistent but loving approach gradually did the trick. I was thankful that there was never any bad behaviour outside the home, as that would have stressed me out and made it harder for me to deal with. (But I would still have had to deal with it.) It certainly helped that I always liked her as a person, always thought she was fun to be with- at least I was always prepared to start thinking it again.

It is now over 2 years since dd had her last tantrum. She knows that she will have to deal with pain and disability all her life, and that she may well have to deal with prejudice and suspicion again. But I like to believe that over the last few years, I have given her better tools. That's the most you can do as a parent.

About the lack of remorse- I remember this so well from my childhood, seeing my brother outwardly unconcerned, yet sensing the pain and fear underneath. (Though this would have been when he was older than 2.) Laughing is not necessarily a sign that somebody is happy.

Incidentally, he never did any damage that required hospitalisation, but I think this may well have been sheer luck, plus the fact that we were all bigger than him. The only person who ever has done such damage in my family is my perfectly normal and well-adjusted ds, who is not at all given to violent rages, but who happened to give dd a shove on the stairs one day...

xhampagenandroses-No, you do not have to agree with other posters on this thread, but neither do you have the right to set yourself up as an authority on the subject. You are wrong to say that this "clearly is not normal behaviour" when anyone reading the posts on this thread can see that in fact it clearly is.
You are wrong to make the OP even more worried about her DSs behaviour when in fact she almost certainly does not need to worry at all. She just needs to keep a watchful eye and as I said at the very beginning, never leave her two very young children alone together,

I'm really grateful to the OP for being brave and posting this here as I have learned a great deal. I have two very small children with only 1 yr apart - and having never been raised with siblings I am finding my way forward as best I can and this was instructive and the majority of the responses were helpful.

This little boy ( baby) is just a nromal 2 yr old, he hs no concept of wht has happend.
I really think he is too young to be left unsupervised with a younger sibling.
DS was 2.5 when DS 2 was born and I never left them alone together for quite some time.
Just so sorry that this has happened and sympathy yo OP.

IMO letting two children as young as this be in the same cot together is unwise.

Sorry to hear of the unpleasant experience you and your little ones have had. Hope your DD's finger gets better soon and that, with your help, your DS finds better ways to express his tiredness/frustrastion.