Am I unreasonable to want my daughter playing downstairs with grandad?

[Lalaland2020]

Am a weird for feeling uncomfortable with my 6 year old daughter being alone upstairs in the bedroom with her grandad (my father in law - my dad isn’t around). My in laws keep the kids toys upstairs in the bedrooms, so she often goes up alone with him there (grandma is usually downstairs in the kitchen or with my son). I have asked my husband to bring the toys downstairs so they can play around other family members, but he says there isn’t an issue with her going upstairs to play and she asks to go up. I came home today to her and grandad being upstairs in her room with the door closed whilst my husband, grandma and my son were downstairs playing in the front room. When I asked my daughter to come down she said that they were on her bed with the iPad. I’ve sad to my husband that I’m not comfortable with this, but he said I’m making it weird and making my daughter feel bad. Am I a freak for feeling like this?!

Red flags, red flags, red flags!
OP, protect your DC from this ... person.
Never leave them alone with them.
Trust your instincts, which, I am more than sure, are correct.

if i were you, id get acting lessons to learn how to pretend to enjoy being in this man’s company. because wherever my daughter is and he’s present, i am present. i have 2 daughters and my alarm bells went up when i read your post. you need to thread carefully with your husband as he seems to put culture above his little girls safety (funny how its always the girls that are at risk in various ‘cultures’). id stop trying to reason with him - it might make him take the girl to his parents without you knowing about it. better you know, and you make sure you are there all the time, at least until she is old enough to stand up for herself.

OPs child is being looked after as she is in her grandparents house with one or both parents always present.There are multiple adults in the house so why does grandad need to be alone with child in bedroom with the door shut..that is what OP is asking about! I get what you’re saying ie that you were alone with your dad and that your daughter also is but that is your choice to leave your DD with your dad.OP isn’t choosing to allow child alone with grandad in room.

Well it wasn’t aimed at you so much as making the general point. The poster who asked if it would be the same if the roles were reversed to a grandmother and grandson is equally what I was talking about. Because I don’t feel it’s a valid point in this context.

That doesn’t mean the person meant to derail the thread, but it’s what happens all the same. Because the existence of female abusers isn’t in any way relevant to the question of whether it’s reasonable to leave a GC alone with a man behaving in the way the OP described. Just as the fact that most men aren’t abusers isn’t relevant either and women (IMO) shouldn’t have to preface any discussion about possible male abusers with either of those caveats.

That’s all I was saying and I don’t want anyone to feel defensive about it but I’m going to continue pointing it out every time someone does it all the same.

So please don’t take it personally.

This is so so disturbing on so many levels

Yes, much better to let your child get groomed/sexually abused by her granddad than risk offending him with boundaries.

I should have put 'unfortunately' in air quotes to show the general sarcasm throughout the post.

He was a dirty old man. I doubt I was the only victim in the family but no one ever said and he's thankfully now gone.

Follow your instincts and protect your child, don’t let them gaslight you into thinking nothing is wrong. If you find it suspicious then that’s what it is, well done for keeping her safe!

It’s not about feeing suspicious of one particular man, though clearly the OP fees uneasy. It’s about it not being a great idea in general for a child and any man to be alone together behind a closed door when there is no reason for it. Especially when the child’s mother has asked for this not to happen.

I think you're probably a bit far down the path for advice on here to really help your situation.

My advice would have been to not outwardly accuse anyone because I think its obvious that isnt going to be taken well. It should be a blanket rule for all play/relatives.
'Living room children' its called, where the children play in the living room and not their bedroom. My advice if anyone goes through similar is to drive THIS message home. Our kids all play downstairs.
Dont make it about grandad. No adult shuts the door to play with your child.

I can see why DH is upset, its quite the accusation and it seems you've gone full throttle with it. Great in terms of protecting your dd, but understandable how DH is going to react.

Open door policies, living room playing and it applying to EVERYONE not just men.
I do think you should have a conversation with your daughter to find out more about time spent together. In a non serious way not an interrogation and whilst DH isnt there.
I do also think (unless DD says something that doesnt settle well) that you should apologise for how this has come across to your in-laws and just explain it would be the same for any relative aside from parents and its not that you dont trust him or think hes capable of awful things, its being protective of your daughter and setting boundaries for EVERYONE to best protect your dc.

and your point is? You’re fearing assault on your child you..I couldn’t care if Jesus himself told me he didn’t agree! My child would not be around them. WTH.

and that goes If my partner told me he had a feeling of that sort about anybody,I’d expect him to do the same regardless if I was in agreement or not.

she can’t enforce it though. It’s all well and good saying that but what’s to stop her husband taking the kids to visit his parents without her?

What does your DD say about the playtime upstairs? Does she feel uncomfortable with what GD is saying/doing? Age appropriate chat about boundaries and what happens when the door is closed should happen first. Hopefully she will open up about secrets etc.

Your DD's feelings come first along with her security.

Its a tricky situation but you mention your FIL always wanted a daughter maybe thats all there is to it. However he can easily play with her downstairs so he should listen to your wishes. I can't see the problem with him saying she is pretty though.

I feel this deeply.

I think knowing people knew and did nothing is more damaging than the abuse.

It's the closed door and the keeping secrets thing that bothers me. No child should ever be asked by an adult to keep anything secret from others. A secret about your birthday could be told to anyone else for example.

And I don't think bed is an appropriate place to play either.

I think you may have a situation you need to protect your children from. However, it may be easier to explain this to DH as that if she goes into a bedroom with FIL with the door shut you are teaching her that this is a safe thing to do with others who may wish to hurt her. Family need to lead by example. Same with keeping secrets. Your ILs may wish no harm but you're teaching your kids that it's okay to have secrets.

I decidedly think you need to stop FIL from being alone with your DD though, sorry.

Am I reading this right? Get your child away from this gran man!! You should be having a gentle Q&A with your daughter about what happens with him with or without the door closed, what pictures/stories are on the iPad.? Not a hope in hell I'd be taking time to ask fucking strangers about this OP! This is your daughter, take control, protect your daughter at all costs.

Yeah reading all your comments, i’d feel uncomfortable too, mainly because the door is closed. I can understand why they feel offended too, because he is essentially being suspected of ill intentions. The fact the same doesn’t happen with your son makes it feel odd, though it could just be that he doesn’t ask them to go upstairs.

I don’t necessarily think it’s automatic something ill intentioned is going on, but this is your DD, and you can’t afford to just take a risk when you feel so uncomfortable because they are offended. Absolutely no need to close the door. My kids were all close to my dad when they were little, but I don’t ever recall a time he was upstairs with them alone.

So you didn’t mean @IAgreeOP

Me and him had a lovely relationship in everyother way.
Overall I still think of my grandad more positively than negatively

because if you weren’t joking, I would urge you to seek some professional support. Your grandfather was a vile incestous paedophile and there is no grey area.

Thanks for the continued messages everyone.

i always thought that if there was something I didn’t like my husband or his family doing then I’d just say no, but this is easier said than done. On the occasions I have stood up to my husband and said no about my children being left alone with their grandparents, my husband says that it’s not happening and he is taking them anyway, which he would. I don’t feel like I could call 999 or throw myself infront of the car as he left. I have asked why the toys are upstairs and my husband just says “because they are”. I have said to my husband that doesn’t he think it’s strange to be upstairs alone with one grandchild when everyone else is upstairs and he says “no” I said that I was brought up to know that children don’t go into adults bedrooms at anyones homes, but he says he disagrees. He cannot have anyone telling his parents (especially his dad) no.

when my daughter was born we were waiting for the checks on her to be completed before we left - my husbands parents had gone to our house and were waiting for us to come home. My husband was getting so anxious that his parents were having to wait for us an he was even getting cross with the doctors saying that we needed to leave as we had family waiting. Normal people wouldn’t want checks rushed on their newborn, but my husband seems terrified of his parents. When we got back 2 hours later his parents were sitting on our sofa waiting for us.

my husband is a solicitor by the way, so would have great support getting his own way if we divorced.

Well, OP, the bridge is your daughter then (and your son, too, but your daughter seems to be the one in the cross hairs here).

Definitely double down on the admonishment regarding "good touch, bad touch" and underscore no secrets between her and the grandparents, especially if anything that feels wrong.

Advise her that if anything that makes her feel bad happens, that she's to come directly to you and that she won't get into trouble.

Start documenting all your exchanges and concerns and have it to hand just in case the worst happens. We will hope for the best, but arm your child, at least.

Agree with all the comments, totally unnecessary for daughter to be in the bedroom with grandad and door closed.
must be just me that neither I or my kids spent 1-1 time in any room of a house with a grandparent, I played with my sister or alone if I visited the spare room, no one ever came up with me, and I usually brought any toy downstairs.
Are grandparents fussy about mess downstairs?
Even so, daughter needs to bring any toys downstairs, and def not be upstairs with any adult.

@Lalaland2020 serious red flags. If I were you I would quietly speak to a solicitor now to get your concerns across.

If it comes to breaking point it will be a lot harder to deal with - and partners tend to say something like she/he is only making this up because we are separated and they are angry.

If you have it recorded, you will be better protected that you raised concerns during your marriage - which may quite reasonably lead to the breakdown of it.

It’s awful that he is gaslighting you. He should be helping you to deal with this.

I totally agree with @bitterbuddhist here.
That's the least you can do at the moment.
Easy for me to say as you're in a difficult position, but I couldn't live with this at all.
I don't care what culture they are, that is ridiculous behaviour from your husband when you've just given birth. They turned up of their own volition, if they have to wait, they wait! They have no social etiquette awareness at all!
And if your husband is a solicitor, then you'd need to find one to match or better him.
I'd be getting away from this entire family, no matter what it took.

So true!

OP you should point blank ask your husband that if the worst should happen to your daughter would you really be able to tell a doctor/ coroner/ police man in good conscience that you sacrificed your daughter's well being and innocence because you can't say no to your father?

As a parent, you're either your children's first protector, or first bully.

So yeah, arm your daughter with the word NO! if she's uncomfortable and to say it very loudly and repeatedly. You might want to run through scenarios with her regarding same.

It's said that it's come to this, though.