Am I unreasonable to want my daughter playing downstairs with grandad?

[Lalaland2020]

Am a weird for feeling uncomfortable with my 6 year old daughter being alone upstairs in the bedroom with her grandad (my father in law - my dad isn’t around). My in laws keep the kids toys upstairs in the bedrooms, so she often goes up alone with him there (grandma is usually downstairs in the kitchen or with my son). I have asked my husband to bring the toys downstairs so they can play around other family members, but he says there isn’t an issue with her going upstairs to play and she asks to go up. I came home today to her and grandad being upstairs in her room with the door closed whilst my husband, grandma and my son were downstairs playing in the front room. When I asked my daughter to come down she said that they were on her bed with the iPad. I’ve sad to my husband that I’m not comfortable with this, but he said I’m making it weird and making my daughter feel bad. Am I a freak for feeling like this?!

As someone who went through the same thing I do sort of see what she means.

I look back now with disgust but when I was little I loved my GF even though he was abusing me. It's not straightforward emotionally when you're too young to understand.

Listen to your gut feeling, I wouldn’t allow this for my daughter. Your daughter’s safety comes first.

Yes you look back now with disgust. Not wha this poster is saying, which is what I find disturbing and heart breaking

How terrible, I am so sorry. Did you not tell anyone else after your sister treated you that way?

If you feel uncomfortable then you need to stick to your guns. Gut feelings are important.The remark at the wedding isnt really anything serious that proves hes a sex pest, just typical crap men of his age think is a compliment and a bit sleazy. When my DS was a little he used to force my youngest Auntie to play sonic the hedgehog for hours in the bedroom. He's 40 now and he still remembers it and her with so much love. No one was allowed to join in, he just wanted her and the games they made up. It was very noisy. I wouldnt worry about my Dad but if you feel uneasy you need to stay strong.

The “they’ve asked my daughter to keep secrets” made me feel sick.

like everyone else says… trust your gut and keep your daughter in your sight at all times when around them. Even if it means you going in the bedroom with them both

You have an instinctive worry, and I'd act on it. You are not being unreasonable sadly in this f up world.

Next time you're visiting Grandparents home or they're at yours & Grandad wants to go upstairs ask him outright 'Why do you want to go upstairs alone with our Daughter? There's toys down here to play with & Grandson is also down here' See what his reaction is. I wouldn't worry about upsetting Grandparents or your Husband. You need to speak up for your Daughter.

How old is you DD? Can you ask her what goes on when her & Grandad are playing? How is she around him usually? Have you noticed anything that might worry you about her behaviour? Don't allow your Husband to take the children to his parents on his own as it sounds like he's go against your wishes & allow his Dad to be alone with your DD.

I'm just saying it's all very very very complicated.

If anyone has ever watched Feel Good there's a scene in the second serious where Mae meets the man that abused her after many years. It really accurately captures the emotional messiness.

I am sure it is.

Bit doesn’t mean it’s not disturbing and heartbreaking and that perhaps therapy should be sought

I wouldn’t be happy with this at all and I’d be bloody furious with your DH! What the hell is he thinking?

I really don’t think anyone should be telling someone who has been abused how to feel about their abuser or their abuse. It’s their experience and they can feel however they want about it. It’s really none of your business and definitely not your place to tell them the way they are feeling is ‘wrong’ and to get therapy. You clearly have no concept of how complicated the feelings around intra-familial abuse can be. Plus, people can feel however they want about whatever they want. They should not be told off for it by a random on the internet

Well yes and no. I would trust your gut and try to work out what it is about him that worries you and why your husband is not bothered. Why not install a good webcam openly to survey the room from a top corner, so that you can monitor that she is ok when playing on her own. If he is kosher he won't object. If he does then tell him tough this is your daughter. Nothing covert. Be quite open about making sure she is ok when on her own without implying any concerns about him.. It would be very wierd were he to want to turn it off when he's in there.

OPs quite clear about what worries her

AfternoonVanessa · 18/04/2026 16:57
I was 7 I think when I was abused by a family member. Door closed.

Me too. It was my Grandfather and I was about 3 or 4. Better safe than sorry.

for those who suggest to ask the husband how he’d react if abuse would be uncovered. i’m 100% that he would not believe his own daughter/he would not believe any evidence as the enmeshment is so deep with his family. it is very telling that he would go against his childs mother wishes not to allow alone time with his father. culture above everything.

In a safeguarding role and as a safeguarding chair I've seen all sides. Very very few grandads are sexual abusers and I am non the wiser except for toys upstairs and a closed door. If you aren't happy about surveillance then what do you do? You can insist on toys downstairs but can you enforce what is in effect a 'never alone' or 'supervised access only' rule for grandad. I do believe you should trust your gut, but how extreme are you going to take it. Presumably they love each other's company.
The biggie is 'what games do you play together?' and try to establish what happens when together.
This is an amber and not a red flag.

If you're in a safeguarding role then you'll know that men who take young girls into rooms and shut the door behind them, treat them very differently from the young boys in the family, rush to offer to take the girls to the toilet when there are female relatives present who can do it, and get angry instead of apologising when a parent tells them they don't feel comfortable - are not men to be trusted. Ask me how I know.

I can assure you, as someone who's been on the receiving end of this, it's a red flag.

Your husband is an absolute red flag himself op

I think so too.
My guess is that he is turning a blind eye and might have been SAed too.

OP I think I would call the NSPCC in your position and talk this through with a professional. They'll at least be able to point you in the direction of information about having difficult conversations with your husband and in-laws, and help you clarify what good safeguarding looks like.

I really hope you can find a resolution. 💐

You might want to pay attention to those of us on this thread, and I am one, who were abused by close relatives, including grandfathers, and who definitely see very red flags in what the OP is describing.

Absolutely agree

Grandads are also dads/brothers/uncles so I don’t know how it can be said they are less likely to abuse than dads/uncles etc

amber is enough anyway - it’s massive warning

but I agree this is red flag for you OP

I don’t think the husband is a red flag and I have sympathy for him as he’s in a difficult position. I do think he should put his emotions aside and be a bit more understanding of the situation and aware of the general risks of csa by a male relative. However , it is completely natural for an adult son/daughter of a parent they’ve known and had a close relationship with for their entire life, to consider the idea that that parent could be a peado and worse, abuse their own granddaughter, as a total impossibility. That’s going to be an absolutely huge leap for him to make in his head, not to mention extremely disturbing and upsetting. I think some of these posters need to put themselves in his position. I have a very close relationship with my dad. For my partner to suggest they think he could be sexually abusing our child would be extremely offensive. That’s not to say I could never consider it if he was displaying the kind of red flags this grandad is, but it wouldn’t be a simple or quick conclusion to come to. It’d take a long time to get there and it would be an extremely emotional and devastating journey getting there. What would you do if you were him? It’s very complicated and sensitive. It’s not as simple as just saying, “right dad, the wife thinks you’re a peado and are abusing our daughter, so no more unsupervised contact, ok?” Then life just goes on as normal?! Obviously not. If you were finally able to come to the conclusion that your dad might be abusing her you wouldn’t want anything more to do with him. It’d mean cutting ties with your entire family. That’s an extremely difficult and emotional situation to be in. A lot of posters here seem to be oversimplifying it