Am I unreasonable to want my daughter playing downstairs with grandad?

[Lalaland2020]

Am a weird for feeling uncomfortable with my 6 year old daughter being alone upstairs in the bedroom with her grandad (my father in law - my dad isn’t around). My in laws keep the kids toys upstairs in the bedrooms, so she often goes up alone with him there (grandma is usually downstairs in the kitchen or with my son). I have asked my husband to bring the toys downstairs so they can play around other family members, but he says there isn’t an issue with her going upstairs to play and she asks to go up. I came home today to her and grandad being upstairs in her room with the door closed whilst my husband, grandma and my son were downstairs playing in the front room. When I asked my daughter to come down she said that they were on her bed with the iPad. I’ve sad to my husband that I’m not comfortable with this, but he said I’m making it weird and making my daughter feel bad. Am I a freak for feeling like this?!

Ok if you’re feeling uncomfortable and unsettled about something relating to your child, you don’t start a thread on mumsnet.

You remove the child, you take the toys downstairs and you say you’re playing downstairs. The end.

And if you have concerns about this man…then you are always present and you have a chat with your daughter tonight.

overrule your husband on this

No. I'd be wary/worried too.

You are not unreasonable at all, I don’t think a six year old should be alone with a grandad in a bedroom with the door shut. If he protests at this then I would find this even more suspicious, as if it’s all innocent and they are just playing on an iPad then they can do it downstairs.
most children who are sexually abused (1 in 10 children will be abused before they are 16) are abused by their fathers, brothers, grandfathers and step brothers/fathers.

Nope. Absolutely no need to be upstairs with him with the door shut. 🚩🚩🚩🚩
Are they providing childcare?

Are you all in one house? Whos house is it? Are they providing childcare or just visiting when you/DH are home?

you’re absolutely not unreasonable for feeling how your feeling and wanting to ensure your child safety, but how you approach it will vary based on the state of play

Why do you have concerns? Just because he’s a man or because you’ve always had a weird feeling about him/have observed some kind of troubling behaviour around your daughter? If it’s either of the second too, no YANBU and I’d insist she plays downstairs regardless of how awkward you make it. Your child comes first and women are usually very perceptive about this kind of stuff. If it’s just cos he’s a man then I’d think YABU, until you said about the door being shut. That is very weird, unless there’s a specific other reason why you think the door would be shut? I mean, if he was planning on abusing his dgc he’d have to be pretty bold to do it while everyone’s just downstairs but you never know, I’d play it safe

What is the reason for not allowing the toys downstairs OP?

I can see why your husband thinks YANBU though, it’s his dad. Personally I’d have no problem with my similar age dd being alone anywhere with my own dad cos I trust him 100% but with my FIL I wouldn’t feel the same, just cos I don’t know him inside out like I do my own dad. I think it has to be handled sensitively though. If he’s never displayed any other troubling behaviour then it’s probably just about the worst thing in the world to have your DIL think you’re a peado

The only people being weird here is are granddad , because unless he's lived under a rock ,he's knows it's not a good idea to be alone in a bedroom with a child ..why would he choose to put himself in that situation...unless..
Your husband clearly also has been living under a rock ,for deliberately not understanding the risk to his child ,and his dad putting himself in a situation open to accusations
The grandmother,keeping the toys in the bedroom is enabling the situation
They are all batshit crazy except you ,op.
Head up to the room ,collect your child and the toys and head back to the ,lounge .
If anyone makes a fuss ,get in the car and go home

This is one of those things where parents are allowed to set boundaries as they see fit.

Toys downstairs - always.
No closed doors upstairs; with anyone actually.

I would not budge an inch on this.

Ever.

Anyone who is offended by having to adhere to those requests is making themselves look guilty of something dodgy.

If it’s nothing nefarious, there should be no problem at all accept the request for play to be downstairs. It should not be an issue at all.

I was sexually abused by my cousin. Bedroom door closed. Both parents in the house at the time.

I personally may be biased but I would argue that current behaviour is not ok until the end of time.

Can you frame it to DH that this rule is not personal to your dad, it would be the same at a playmate’s house for example.

Trust your gut 100%. I'm on the opposite side - my 4yo drags her granddad upstairs and he will play barbies for hours with her. I can hear her laughing merrily away.

I think your gut is telling you it's odd for a reason. Sometimes you can't put your finger on it. Doesn't mean it's not right.

I am sorry I disagree with you. I think that what would be worse would be to find out that your child was abused in some way right under your nose.

The closed door thing is weird.

Also why are the DC being isolated from each other? Does Grandad not want to also play with other child? It could easily be done if they all just stayed downstairs …..

What are you finding unsettling about it? Do you have suspicions about your father in law. I know my daughter would not feel this way about her daughter playing in a room alone with either of her granddad's or with her uncle. And I wouldn't have been worried if my daughter played alone with her grandad when she was a child.
Has his behaviour been odd around her ? Has your husband said anything about his child's? Or has something happened in your childhood to make you not trust him?

Thanks for everyone’s replies. They are not providing childcare, they visit our home or the children visit their home around every 2 weeks. When pregnant with my son about 18 months ago I said to my husband that I wasn’t happy about my daughter being at their home upstairs playing with the toys alone. I knew she was alone with grandad as she has told me and said she was in her grandad and grandmas bed jumping around (this was in the day and not a sleepover). My husband ask why I was worried and I mentioned that I thought it might be sexual. He went mental and said I was being ridiculous. I got cross at my husband today and said that I had asked him not to let my daughter be alone upstairs with him, and he said that im trying to cause and argument and that in the future he would just take the children on his own to his parents alone. I said infront of my daughter, husband, father in law and mother in law that the iPad works downstairs and there is no need for anyone to be playing in bedrooms and that we have a playroom downstairs to play in.

In regards to being worried about my father in law in his behaviour, he came up to a close friend of mine at my wedding that she was too pretty to be single (he was drunk) after asking about her relationship status. My husband has mentioned that he has always said he wanted a daughter (he has too sons).

its hard to know if maybe i am being ott or being gaslighted by my husband

or the children visit their home around every 2 weeks.

alone??

this is all very very weird and odd and unsettling.

You need to parent up. If you aren’t comfortable with something relating to your children and haven’t been for YEARS … you need to woman up fast.

And as for your relationship with your husband - sounds like a thread in itself

Trust your gut.

OP get your DH to ring NSPCC and ask them. They will tell him that it's much better for children to be playing in plain sight. https://www.nspcc.org.uk/about-us/contact-us/

It's not so much the fact that his father might be a risk, it's that it's normalising her being in a vulnerable situation which can be very dangerous for her as she becomes more independent in life.

Tell your DH that he needs to model good boundaries so that his daughter can see that's it's ok to ask for something that makes her safe.

This exactly
just stop her going
end of
and potentially report - what is on that iPad???

They are not left alone with grandparents, as in me or my husband are always with them at the house.

Just to add - they also never want to go out with the children. It is always has to be at their house or ours. They never want to meet at softplay or a park or anything like that, which adds to the concern. His parents have just left and gone home and he’s taken the kids alone to softplay as he says I need to calm down….

Very foolish of your FIL to allow this to happen. Aware men understand that they place themselves under suspicion by locking themselves in a bedroom with a female child and stay in a public part of the house. As others have said, always trust your gut.

Agreed - listen to your instincts.

omg. Even 50 years ago my own father wouldn’t have done this with either myself or my sister, and things were very different (unenlightened ?) back then.

Always trust your gut instinct.

This is really uncomfortable to read.
There's no need to be on a bed to look an iPad, even less need to have the door closed.
I'd be educating your DD about inappropriate behaviour. Pantosaurus by NSPCC for a start.
This is exactly why young children are taught age appropriate sex education: they need to know about healthy relationships.

wtf? Why they gotta be holed up with the door shut? No chance. Go and bring her downstairs.

Me and my husband have taken a bit of a “blanket rule” approach with our daughter, we don’t leave her alone with any men, including family. It’s not because we suspect anything about anyone we know and trust, but more because we’re aware that, sadly, when abuse does happen it’s often by someone close to the child, and families are usually completely unaware.

For us, it’s just about removing any risk altogether rather than making judgments about individuals. It’s a general boundary we apply to everyone, not something aimed at one person.

Maybe you could frame it to your husband like that, that it’s not about thinking the worst of anyone, but about having a consistent rule “just in case,” so it doesn’t feel personal.