Boy mum needing reassurance!!

[dh8892]

I have a wonderful DS aged 4 almost 5. The love of my life.

We are finally expecting baby number 2, another DS.

I’m admit, I really broke my heart when I found out it was another DS. Not because he isn’t wanted or loved, but because I always envisaged having a DD and girlie things in my life - mourning a life I had imagined I guess. This is very much our only chance for another child so there certainly won’t be a number 3 than could be a DD.

The main thing that has silently worried me about being a boy mum is in relation to when they grow up and the old wives tale of once they get a partner they’ll go off and spend all their time with in laws and I’ll always be grandma on dads side. Ridiculous I know but I always want to be a big part of their lives and eventually their families lives.

Since I’ve found out about DS, so many people have made the comment about “not seeing grandchildren” or “being dads side” or I’ll be able to enjoy retirement one day because I won’t have much to do with my sons and their families.

It is breaking my heart. I know this is the future I’m worrying about but I’m finding the comments so hard when I am already so worried silently about this happening.

please can someone give me some positive insight into being a boy mum in the future to settle my worries?

So bored of these fucking constant threads with the same old tired stereotypes about boys.

A homesteader ‘mom’ I follow on Instagram is currently posting about what is clearly a gender disappointment problem dressed up as ‘I have visions of a girl the Lord is trying to send me’.

She has 6 boys and 1 girl, she’s clearly desperate for another girl and has today shared her latest gender reveal. Another healthy little boy. A big multi-image post about how she doesn’t understand, she has such a strong vision of the little girl that she’s convinced God wants her to have etc.

She’s clearly just got a whopping case of gender disappointment but is trying to make it more palatable by dressing it up as a ‘spiritual calling’ to have a daughter.

Her existing daughter is her ‘model’ for hairstyles and looks utterly miserable as the mum attacks her every day with a sharp comb, bottles of hair products and even heat styling, complete with ribbons and bows, before posting the video.

It’s all really sad actually.

I would not follow this person. By doing so you are, inadvertently but pretty directly, supporting her in her 'business', which seems from your description to be just exploiting her children.

I have two boys and love the relationship they have together. I think they’ll potentially be a lot closer than a brother and sister long term, which is great cement for the family.

You’re right - I will unfollow.

Thank you for being open to this!

This is so, so sad, that poor girl is going to be so damaged as she grows up. It sounds horrific for her ☹️

My mum sees my brother’s children all the time. He and his wife decided to move to an area close to them instead of close to his in laws. My kids see my in laws all the time as well. Don’t worry, it’s not a sure thing you won’t see them when older! Some boys do stay close to their mums or have their children spend lots of time with them!

Yes she only 5 and is already having her hair heat styled and dressed to the nines in frilly dresses and jewellery every day. She actually looks quite unhappy.

I also follow another page where the lady tragically lost a baby girl at full term, she had several boys already and after went on to have another baby boy. She passed a few years ago now but the commemorations and posts are every bit as frequent and intense as they were in the months after. The boys can’t celebrate Christmas, a birthday, Halloween or Easter without some kind of commemorative event for their sister, there is a shrine to her in the living room where they are to put cards and letters, if she takes a photo of them they hold up a photo of their sister. She makes them ‘blow bubbles to heaven’ when they’re playing and wave to heaven out of plane windows when they go on holiday. She films herself talking to them about it a lot.

I really feel for her but I worry about her boys. It’s very very clear she was desperate for a girl and feels robbed of that experience which I 100% understand but equally she seems suspended in grief and remembrance and it seems to completely dominate her moods and their home life 😔 she still posts about it almost hourly, a lot of those posts videos of her crying or curled up on the sofa too grief stricken to go about the day.

It’s so awkward because of course nobody can say anything, just the cheerleaders telling her she’s amazing to carry on remembering her daughter in the way she does etc

I’m long overdue a clear out, a lot of accounts which started off ok have turned into something else. A lot of profiting from posting about their kids and you’re right, we shouldn’t encourage them.

I think it's more to do with their personalities. I have two sons but only one has moved out. No grandchildren yet so can't comment on that. But my son contacts me a lot, and when he is visiting he's more than happy to wander round the shops with me. He lives with a partner but they don't live near either set of parents, which is likely to be more of an issue than him being a boy.

I’m the opposite, @OP- I have two girls, and honestly I was slightly disappointed as I always pictured myself with boys. So I do understand the feelings you’re having, as much as people love to pile on things like this here (and I’d like to point out that they are IVF babies born after many years of infertility and heartbreak, so I do get the “just lucky to have a baby!” thing - it certainly added to the guilt I felt for feeling this way).

However, what I would say is, my DH’s parents see the girls a lot more than my DM, so it doesn’t automatically mean you won’t be involved with grandchildren as much. Also, now that they’re both here, I adore them and it only ever crosses my mind that once upon a time I wanted boys when I read threads like this.

So, please don’t worry. This will pass. And what will be will be.

Completely valid to feel like that. I felt the same. It wasn't that I didn't want another boy at all- it was just a slight mourning that it was final that I'd never have a girl.
Needn't have worried. Now I could not be prouder or feel more lucky to have two crazy boys. They can be bribed to go to the theatre/shops as long as you have enough snacks 😂

I love being a boy mum. Girls are too much drama!! (And i’m a girls girl, but i don’t feel i am missing out).

Are girls “too much drama”? Mine aren’t 🤷‍♀️ I’ve never really been involved in girl or woman drama, because I don’t like it. That shit starts going on, I find other friends.

my observation is girls only get involved in social drama when they have “queen bee” type mums as well. The school gate top dog is nearly always mum of the drama queen pupil.

kids behaviour is nearly always learned. Most “Boy” and “girl” behaviour is because that’s how they’ve been brought up. Dad is taking the boy football as soon as he can run, while mum is dressing the girl in pretty clothes and teaching them not to get dirty.

My brother likes to remind me frequently that I shouldn't be upset that I don't have a daughter (I'm not) because Girls are <insert bullshit of choice here>

He utterly refuses to see that he and his wife raise their DD totally differently to their DS. DS is encouraged to run around, be loud, have opinions. If anyone corrects him, they are told not to because he's really smart and knows what he's talking about.
DD on the other hand, is told to be quieter, sit nicely, not be bossy, basically the opposites all the time.

I dont have girls but agree with this observation. The girls who cause drama, seek it out or are generally mean often to other girls have a certain type of parent. I cringe when I hear the words "shes a diva at a young age" because its really not something that little girl should be aspiring to be or something a parent should encourage.

I’m a mum of boys too and this thought has also crossed my mind more than I would like to admit, but since having my second boy and reflecting on it, it’s become obvious to me why I feel that way.

My in laws are lovely, my husband is a only child so my kids are the only grandchildren they will get, but even so the reason we don’t see them as much is because they don’t make themselves available. I’m not talking about childcare, but just in general. I always ask if we could pop round at the weekend to see them, they are always doing something. Then when they are available, they are desperate to see the kids but will give very specific times frames that we can go - so like 1:30-2:30 which is smack in the middle of the day and smack bang during a nap time. Don’t get me wrong we do make the effort to still go most of the time, but they don’t make it easy. They value their life more around themselves, than their family.

My parents on the other hand we see every week, if they are at home, we can drop round at any point in the day, they invite us round for dinner, out for meals, on holidays. They are very much family oriented and will make themselves available at times that work for the kids. We don’t get that with my in laws, so naturally we see them less.

As my kids grow up I am just going to make sure that they know how much I love them, any girlfriends that come round will be treated like they were my own. When the time comes for grandkids, I will make myself available so they know they are always welcome and don’t feel like a chore, or have to make a huge effort to spend time with me. I really think that’s the key. You have plenty of time as your kids are only young, but you also need to get out of the mentality that you won’t ever see them, because you will naturally villainise their girlfriends from the start and as years go by your sons will notice and it will cause resentment.

I have 2 boys and always always wanted girls but mine are teenagers now and it’s just THE BEST. I’m very girlie but i’ve embraced what they love- football, golf, rap music, skiing - it’s taken me out of my comfort zone and made me far more rounded as a person . I now appreciate things I would never have entertained before .
As for not seeing them as they get older - I think that’s a really old fashioned thing. If you build it they will come. If you’ve built a warm, loving, fun family home for them they will always be around xx

@dh8892 , my sons are 36 and 32; they both have three children. I get on very well with my DILs and I realise I am blessed in this respect. My husband and I see them all regularly and have a wonderful family life that includes holidays together and many happy family gatherings.
I made no special effort to influence my sons to be like this but my husband and I showered them with love and attention. They were bought up to think for themselves and not follow the crowd and to do the right thing. They make it clear that we are a much wanted and non negotiable part of their families. My sons had a very close relationship with my parents which was very important to them, unfortunately my husband’s relationship with his family was difficult and although we did try to make sure they saw them it was not as often. I would suggest you do your best to include your parents and parents in law in their lives equally and often. I hope that helps.

Are you aware you're a misogynist?

Lots of this in this thread

cannot believe someone needs “reassurance” due to a different gender ffs..

You need to convert to Catholicism. Catholic boys don't stray far from their mams.

I only have dds but wanted to say that my dmil was the "main" gp to my dc for many years, because she lived locally and was very supportive.

I honestly think it's down to individual relationships rather than gender.