Boy mum needing reassurance!!

[dh8892]

I have a wonderful DS aged 4 almost 5. The love of my life.

We are finally expecting baby number 2, another DS.

I’m admit, I really broke my heart when I found out it was another DS. Not because he isn’t wanted or loved, but because I always envisaged having a DD and girlie things in my life - mourning a life I had imagined I guess. This is very much our only chance for another child so there certainly won’t be a number 3 than could be a DD.

The main thing that has silently worried me about being a boy mum is in relation to when they grow up and the old wives tale of once they get a partner they’ll go off and spend all their time with in laws and I’ll always be grandma on dads side. Ridiculous I know but I always want to be a big part of their lives and eventually their families lives.

Since I’ve found out about DS, so many people have made the comment about “not seeing grandchildren” or “being dads side” or I’ll be able to enjoy retirement one day because I won’t have much to do with my sons and their families.

It is breaking my heart. I know this is the future I’m worrying about but I’m finding the comments so hard when I am already so worried silently about this happening.

please can someone give me some positive insight into being a boy mum in the future to settle my worries?

Well, does your own family and mum always take precedence over your DH's? If not, then that shows this isn't an inevitability. If so, maybe think about what you're teaching by example?

My MiL once said to me (before I had children, and around the birth of her own first grandchild) that she couldn't wait for her only Daugher to have children.

When I asked her why she simply replied: "because I'll love them more." Her reasoning when pressed was that "mums and daughters are closer than mums and sons" and that was how she knew it to be.

I was completely caught off guard. Never understood it.

She later did make sure that her daughter's baby was treated more favourable by her. In lots of ways.

I'm now a boy mum- I absolutely, with all my heart do all I can to show and teach and nurture my Son to know that I love him, care for him and am proud. That he can always come to me and that I may not always have the answers but I'll always help him find a way. No matter what. That I love his company and care about his thoughts and ideas and his dreams. Whenever needed, I'll advocate for him or help him to do this himself.

He's 5. He only truly knows my side of the family, not because we don't want to know his Dad's side but because his Dad's side don't see value in knowing us.

OP, nobody knows what the future looks like. No-one knows what your sons are going to think or feel or how they'll behave. All you can do is bring them up in the most nurturing and positive way you can. Instill love and caring and gratitude.

I often tell my husband, I'm not thinking of my child as a 5 year old, I'm thinking of the person I want him to be at 15 or 25. Give them confidence. And then, love them more.

Love them for who and what they are. . . They'll grow up knowing where the love is.

Love finds a way.

I have two Aunts on my Dad's side one has 2 girls and 2 boys, both her daughters moved to a different continent in their 20s (30 years ago) so it is her son's children she is closer to (although she still has lovely relationships with her daughter's children) and her sons who are 'looking after her' in her old age ('being bossed about' as my cousin puts it).

The other has three sons. She has cared for all of her grandchildren after school or a couple of days a week and now has her first great grand child for a few hours a week (her son's son's daughter) so her grand daughter in law can have a few hours to herself. She was 4 lovely DiL (eldest cousin divorced 20 years ago but his first wife still sees my Aunt regularly) who she regards as bonus daughters.

We see my MiL more often than my mum because she lives nearer and because I have always thought that while my relationship is to her is different to my relationship to my mum to my kids they are both granny and neither trumps the other.

It's funny how it's always families that mutter that stupid little rhyme that end up with sons they see little of as adults, almost as if those men have been taught that they should cut ties with their parents.

OP, do you include your inlaws in your family life as much as you include your family?

FFS these threads really wind me up!! 😡 I’d have been so grateful for another child that the gender wouldn’t bother me in the slightest. It just seems so childish, immature and short sighted to me.

My DD has been a complete tomboy since the age of 2, has never, ever worn a dress and is adamant she will never ever have children. As an adult she’s never worn makeup, been on a spa day or shown any interest in a day out shopping with me. So even if you do get a girl, you have to remember this is a person who will live their life their way, not the way you’d like it to be.

I must say, I love seeing how much the old lady next door is cared for by her son. He comes round most days and while he has his own life, she is definitely a part of it. I don’t have any brothers and DH couldn’t stand his mum so it’s so nice to see a positive older, mother and son relationship.

As previous posters have said, create a loving home that your sons want to visit when they grow up. And don’t get into a ridiculous, competitive, nasty dynamic with your daughters in law, with the subtext that they are a threat to you. Welcome and accept your sons partners and you are unlikely to have problems.

It’s about the individual child not their sex. I have a 14 year old boy and we are really close. He has always been a very boyish boy however equally when younger went through a good couple of years where he was obsessed with unicorns and we had unicorn everything! Although very typical boy he is and always has been very vein and loves clothes and lunch out so even now he delighted if I suggest day out just the two of us so we can shop until we drop and have lunch out somewhere. Equally he loves rugby and got me into it and I love going to watch a game and we support a team so do that regularly. He has also got into golf but it isn’t something his Dad does but all his friends do so often he goes off to play a round while I meet up with the Mum’s of the kids he is playing with for a glass of wine and a catch up in the club house. I absolutely love being a boy Mum. Equally dh sees more of his Mum than I do of mine.

The old lady opposite me is childless, her brother and her nephew have been helping her for years. Men are perfectly able to support older relatives we just need to stop telling them the can't/ it's their sisters job.

Also, rereading your OP - so your DS is the 'love of your life', but before you found out that you were having a second boy you weren't worried about this? So presumably when you thought he might have a sister you were happy to write him off as an adult because you'd have your girl instead?! Do you really not see how that attitude leads to men who are less close to their parents as adults than their sisters are?

Yes. Take no notice of all this rubbish. Enjoy both your children who are likely to be very different from each other and enjoy every stage. Retirement? Why worry about thst. You may not get there!! Boys are fab , great fun and very caring. Its down to you what you take from and what you give to your two precious bundles

You have no idea how things will turn out with your DS.

Im one of two daughters. My sister has lived in Australia for over 30 years and has a tense relationship with my mum. I'm quite close to my mum but she lives 4 hours away and I only see her a few times a year. We have never done a spa day together, it's just not our thing. When we do meet up we tend to go to the theatre, or to art galleries.

DH and I have two adult DS. One of them has been.with his partner for 7 years. If they do have DC then I suspect I will be the primary grandma as Ds' gf is from another country and her mum lives there.

I'm very close to DS1 who is single. We have been on weekends away, we used to go out to dinner a lot and he's also done a few trips away with my DH (his dad). I don't know if he'll ever have children as he's gay, but if he does I hope to be a big part of his DC's life.

Put the stereotypes and sexism away and concentrate on enjoying your beautiful boys.

Yes this is true. But also watch someone come along to turn it turning into a girl bashing thread!

Kids are what you make them I think and it’s perfectly possible that 2 DS’s can be completely different in personality!

Ignore the stereotype, OP!

Just here to give another perspective. My DH adores MIL as do I. She is a wonderful woman who would do anything for me and does masses to help out with the DC. I go out of my way to invite her to any family event I would invite my own mother to. Infact I spend time with her without DH on my own with or without the DC. I think if your a devoted mother (or not) you reap what you sow 😊

I think the attitude of “but what about when I’m a grandparent?” is really unhelpful:

1. It stops you living in the now. You have a young son and a baby on the way. Lots of people would kill for that! Enjoy your children instead of worrying about what might happen in thirty years.
2. You are assuming you will one day be a grandmother. Bluntly, this is silly, because there’s a good chance you won’t. Your sons may decide not to have children. They may be unable to. You might die before they get there. Worrying about what will happen “when” they have children involves making some really big assumptions about other people’s choices and circumstances.

As suggested by PP above, if you really do want to minimise the risk of being shut out of potential grandchildren’s lives, the best thing you can do is model good behaviour now by including your ILs in your family life just as much as your own parents.

I'd say future involvement is very much on you, my in laws could be as involved as they'd like but have the attitude that my husband doesn't need them as he's "a man"....both side live literally 1 road away from us, my mum sees the kids all the time, my in laws have never even made them a sandwich, I have a son (8) and daughter (4 tomorrow) and I will always be active in both my kids lives but also respect the relationship they have with their partners on.

I can say as well, my Son is a 100x more loving and easier !!!

The amount of time I physically spend with each of my DC and their children is down to geography, not whether they are a son or a daughter. Do you and your DH favour your parents over his?

why is there always some conspiracy theorist on here accusing OPs of double posting.

My uncles are incredibly close to their mum, much closer than my aunt's to their mother's. I'm female, haven't seen my mother in 7 years. It's about upbringing not sex.

My MIL has 2 sons. She sees her grandchildren way more than the materal side does.
Just be a good mum, then a good MIL, then a good granny.

There's a heartbreaking thread on here today from a woman whose adult daughter living abroad just doesn't want to have any contact with her and she doesn't know why.

If you spend some time on here you can frequently see these, in addition to threads about men who are enmeshed with their mothers to the extent that they can't have a healthy relationship with a partner, and DILs who have been so badly treated by jealous MILs that they no longer want to spend time together as a family.

My children are late teens/early adults and I think we can learn a lot from these threads in terms of how we raise our children, and how we change our parenting when they become adults and have relationships.

Most importantly you won't want your worries about what your boys do in their 20s, to affect your joyful time with them now as little ones. Ultimately you can't control them or predict the future, so if possible it's best to try not to think about it and focus on the now.

My husband sees his parents all the time. We do loads of things together as a family. We even go on holiday all together sometimes. I think key to this is the fact that I (the DIL) have a great relationship with them, particularly my MIL, who I adore. So from my POV the best thing you could do is always make sure you're on good terms with your sons' future other halves. Particularly because (making the big assumption the partners will be women) it's often women who make the get-together plans.

I would say it very much depends on the child. I have many friends who carefully admit they get on better with their son than their daughter. The visions of going shopping together are actually woefully rare. Helping bring up grandchildren can be a poisoned chalice as tensions often build between two women. Yes of course some work well but also so do many mums and sons, in fact I know two different families where it is the fathers parents who do the lions share of everything. I think people working until retirement has evened the playing field as it were.

For me, I absolutely love being on the side of football / rugby / cricket : golf pitches laughing with other parents in the cold or enjoying a summer's day (yes girls do this too and rightly so), one of my DS hates anything sport and loves a bit of pottery and gardening. Actually I now play golf which I LOVE and this I think helps to be open minded.

As long as they are healthy and you are ok, you will have a great time with two boys.

That goes both ways though.

they may not want to go shopping and weekends away with you, but are you going to football/golf and watching f1 with them? Do you hate those activities so much you can’t bring yourself to go for the sake of spending a few hours with your sons.

a lot of the gendered issues I see in families are when parents seem to stick to those likes.

my dc has a hobby I really don’t like. However I go to every event, we’ll get a hotel if it’s an early start, and you know, just spend time together.

Dh’s mum was the same. Made the effort to take him to football every week. Stood in the mud, supported him when he was trying out for clubs. They now have a great relationship, he sees her most weekends and one or two days in the week.

Far better than me and my mum- she hates that I don’t dress nicely, wear make up, and won’t go to spend the day shopping or getting nails done. We see each other once a month. She even went so far as to make me give up my sports because it wasn’t “feminine” enough and she didn’t enjoy taking me.

you have to make an effort to build a relationship, find things you have in common. You can’t just say oh my child doesn’t enjoy my hobbies and then be suprised when you never do anything together.