Boy mum needing reassurance!!

[dh8892]

I have a wonderful DS aged 4 almost 5. The love of my life.

We are finally expecting baby number 2, another DS.

I’m admit, I really broke my heart when I found out it was another DS. Not because he isn’t wanted or loved, but because I always envisaged having a DD and girlie things in my life - mourning a life I had imagined I guess. This is very much our only chance for another child so there certainly won’t be a number 3 than could be a DD.

The main thing that has silently worried me about being a boy mum is in relation to when they grow up and the old wives tale of once they get a partner they’ll go off and spend all their time with in laws and I’ll always be grandma on dads side. Ridiculous I know but I always want to be a big part of their lives and eventually their families lives.

Since I’ve found out about DS, so many people have made the comment about “not seeing grandchildren” or “being dads side” or I’ll be able to enjoy retirement one day because I won’t have much to do with my sons and their families.

It is breaking my heart. I know this is the future I’m worrying about but I’m finding the comments so hard when I am already so worried silently about this happening.

please can someone give me some positive insight into being a boy mum in the future to settle my worries?

I've got two boys 6 and 4.5, both absolutely bloody gorgeous and adore their Mum.

My 2.5y old daughter prefers her Dad constantly and is my hardest work 🤣 two boys are LOVELY xxx

I know. Imagine sitting down with your son at some point and saying "I was really depressed that you're a boy because I wanted to do girlie things and I was worried about retirement".
🙄

I felt the same sadness to know I’ll never have a dd. For me it’s more about not having the opportunity to raise a strong woman. But as adults my brother is much closer to my mum than I am, they go on holiday together, for days out etc, so don’t lose hope!

I have 2 boys 5 years apart as well ❤️ My second ds is still a baby . Not gonna lie I went through a little mourning period myself when I realised I would never have a daughter. now 2nd ds is here I wouldn’t change it. At the end of the day you can have a good or bad relationship with your child regardless of their sex . And as for grand kids my DHs parents see the grandchildren more than my parents do.

congratulations on your lovely son and your pregnancy.

My advice (as the mother of 2 DDs and i really don't care about sex of babies/children) is not to make your whole identity as that of a BoyMom and just to let them grow up in love and security. And teach them how to be lovely, productive members of society, just as you would if they were girls.

I have a son and a daughter. DD had zero interest in “girlie” things.

YABU and sexist

OP, children are individuals - you can't generalise about any of them, and you can't predict the future.
A daughter wouldn't necessarily want to do "girlie stuff" - I never did, and I also loathed my mother from a young age.
Some adult sons are close to their parents and some aren't.
Also it's a massive assumption that you'll ever be a grandmother - who knows?
Just treat your kids as people and lay off the hideous stereotyping!

My sil has 2 boys, grown up now, but she's pretty much gained 2 daughters as she is really close to both of their girlfriends

Honestly though who are these people making comments about “not seeing the grandchildren “. I’ve heard people say that on these threads on mumsnet but I’ve never ever heard anyone say anything as ridiculous as that in real life

No, nor me. I think it's nonsense.

I’m a grandma of two grandsons (preschoolers). My DD has the same fear as OP. I also have a DS who probably (if at all) have children for some time. I am pretty sure my DS will not consider me as much as his partners family (he is single) but I know, just know he will gravitate to hers (whoever she is). It has happened before.

I think a lot depends upon the DDIL. My DD ensures her DH has a relationship with his DM. Many DIL do not as they gravitate to their own DM and won’t necessarily encourage the DH to nurture anything.

I see many men who really look after their DM. I also see many men who don’t. I do think a lot is personality dependant not just nurturing.

I pray my grandsons will appreciate my DD when they are older. One can only hope.

It’s surely about how you raise you family and what you model?

I am far more likely to go for a meal
with my dad because we get on better. Likewise DH is very close to his mum & he goes out with her and I will go out with her too.

Childcare wise my in-laws were involved a lot because I was grateful for any help.

There are no guarantees in life. I have no relationship with my own mother and she’s been completely absent from my children’s life.

we have 3 boys, I remember feeling ever so slightly deflated when the 3rd was born but I also remember the exact instant I fell in love with him. They’re early 20’s and late teens now and we’re all still quite close and I still can’t imagine that changing too much.

although all three are adamant they won’t have children!

I didn't do girlie things with my mum. She was, to be brutally honest, boring and sheltered and as a teen/ adult I had nothing in common with her.

I have one of each. I suspect the boy will leave home and rarely see us, even though he has more in common with me than dh. But that also includes having no real emotional connection to family.

Dd and I are superficially similar- we like shopping and getting our hair done. But she is much more girlie than me and probably finds me quite disappointing.

And anyway, we have our friends for stuff like that.

I have one DS, and won’t be able to have any more children. I don’t of course know what the future holds for us as potential grandparents but my MIL sees far more of our son than my own parents do. She is slightly closer geographically though not by much and neither are local - the main thing is she makes the effort and is a supportive MIL to me - and while I do get on with my parents, she supports me at times far more than my own mother. She makes a huge effort with DS, plays with him on his level and is really hands on and he adores her. Hope this reassures.

That is a lot to put on a child even if you had a girl, a child is not something to fix in you they are their own person and should be treated as such, no child should be made to fit in a box

I have a boy and a girl. But my teen girl isn’t girlie - she isn’t interested in makeup or shopping or hair or spending time with me! She likes martial arts, reading, listening to music on her headphones, and surfing/hanging out with friends.

So even if you have a girl there’s no guarantee what she’ll be like.

Worrying about whether your boys will let you be part of their lives as adults is futile. It’s miles away. Focus on now. I do a lot of activities with my ds - cycling, swimming, Legos, baking, gardening, playing chess and Mario Karts.

I've got more in common work my young adult sons that o ever had with my mum. I'm much closer to them than her too, comparing to when I was a teenager that is.

Stereotypes are bullshit. Don't buy into them. My boys hated football, rough and tumble etc. They used to go to dance class. They love theatre and the arts. Museums, visiting historic places. They also loved trains, dinosaurs and jumping in muddy puddles.

As long as you are a nice mum in law you will be fine, my husband is one of two boys. Myself and my children have always had a wonderful relationship with my in laws and they look after and see our children just as much as my parents do. My mum in law and I go out for lunch and have girly days and always have done since meeting 25 years ago xxx

I have two sons two daughters. They range from 26 to 17 and everyone still lives at home. I wouldn't worry about a future issue yet. You might be desperate to get rid of them 🤣 I'm not we enjoy our shared house living but don't stress about unknown

“Needing reassurance”?

Dear God I thought this was disease or ND situation related !

get some perspective FFS OP

It's not always the case. My Mum is much closer to my brother despite having 2 daughters and I was much closer to my MIL. My MIL has always been much more involved with the kids and supporting us as a family and as a result we spent much more time with her (she died recently 😢). I think you reap what you sow a lot of the time and if you build the relationships they will hopefully remain.

I had 2 sons and then a daughter and my boys are wonderful and I try to find things that interest is both to do together, it usually involves food 🤣. They are much less complicated and life is definitely easier with them!

How much time do you and your husband spend together with your own MIL?

I’ve got boys but they’re only in their teens so not old enough yet for me to comment on our future, but I do know that the relationship I have with them is gorgeous and I’m not planning on anything changing as they hit their 20’s. My DS do have a much closer relationship with my parents than my in laws but that’s a personality thing. My DH is closer to my parents too.

I spent far more time as a child with my paternal grandparents. We visited a lot more, had over night stays and days out. Most of my childhood memories involved my dad’s mum, she was ace, so it’s not something I’ll be worrying about with mine.

Life is rather chaotic but I wouldn’t swap my boys for anything in the world.

This boy mum thing is ridiculous.you are setting yourself up to fail . I had 3 daughters before i had a son then had another daughter. Yes i was not in the room when my sons children were born but that was right she was not my daughter and i would not want to intrude. But i was there for the labour and waited outside, im just as close to those grandchildren as my others. Its want you make it, its how you treat your daughter in law. . A lot of ‘boy mums’ are too clingy to their sons - and see the daughter in law as taking their little boy away, dont be one of those. Your not a ‘ boy mum’ your just a mum,