Boy mum needing reassurance!!

[dh8892]

I have a wonderful DS aged 4 almost 5. The love of my life.

We are finally expecting baby number 2, another DS.

I’m admit, I really broke my heart when I found out it was another DS. Not because he isn’t wanted or loved, but because I always envisaged having a DD and girlie things in my life - mourning a life I had imagined I guess. This is very much our only chance for another child so there certainly won’t be a number 3 than could be a DD.

The main thing that has silently worried me about being a boy mum is in relation to when they grow up and the old wives tale of once they get a partner they’ll go off and spend all their time with in laws and I’ll always be grandma on dads side. Ridiculous I know but I always want to be a big part of their lives and eventually their families lives.

Since I’ve found out about DS, so many people have made the comment about “not seeing grandchildren” or “being dads side” or I’ll be able to enjoy retirement one day because I won’t have much to do with my sons and their families.

It is breaking my heart. I know this is the future I’m worrying about but I’m finding the comments so hard when I am already so worried silently about this happening.

please can someone give me some positive insight into being a boy mum in the future to settle my worries?

What if your girlie girl didn’t want to wear pretty dresses, make up, jewellery, nail varnish, and would rather play in the mud and play with tractors rather than dolls?

weird comments are being made to you. Why would anyone be concerned with you being a grandparent before the baby even arrives.

you have 20-30yrs before becoming a grandparent. Your sons may not have kids, be gay, adopt.

so many different scenarios. Live in the now & not what might happen in the future

I have DS - I am very ‘feminine’ and like make up, hair and nail talk. I talk to my friends about them though - those that are interested. DS isn’t interested in that!

DH is very close to his family/mum so I don’t assume DS won’t be close to us when he gets older and has relationships. I don’t think it’s a given.

Also - my mum isn’t particularly ‘feminine’ and laughs that she doesn’t know how I ended up the way I did 🤷🏼‍♀️.

I love football too!

OP I have that worry too as a boy mum but I have a wonderful relationship with my in-laws and we have holidays and lots of time together which we love and our DS adores them.

I always hope that’ll be the same in the future for us and our DSs family 😊🩵

Honestly OP, if you create a happy family home for them, they will always be happy to come back to it, bringing their own families when the time comes.

I, too, have always envisaged a future with a daughter, so I understand how you feel a little disappointed that that hasn't happened. But I, unlike you, haven't been blessed with children at all, and won't be. So part of me wants to give you a shake (in the friendliest way possible!) and say PLEASE enjoy this special time. Children are a blessing, whether they're girls or boys!

Everyone is right that nothing is guaranteed (in terms of interests, GC, etc.) and that your future relationship with your sons is something that you have a role in shaping.

I think it’s also fine to acknowledge that on average mothers and adult sons have somewhat different relationships than mothers and adult daughters. And I think it’s fine to be a little sad that one version of the future is less likely than it might have otherwise been. These feelings will pass. A lot of people have them. You will not feel them at all soon enough.

I'm a mum of 3 (now grown) boy's. It used to upset me when people sympathised because I had a 3rd son. I was never dissapointed when they were born. I made the decision very early on to do my best to be on good terms with their wives & girlfriens. Mostly that has worked well. My oldest was in a long term relationship & she was like my daughter, I was devastated when they split up. They remained friends & I still see her, even though she is now married to someone else. 2nd son is married & his wife is lovely. They have a son & I look after him several days a week & have a very close bond with him, hopefully I'll have the same bond with their 2nd child when he's born. I believe that if you work at building a good relationship then their is a very good chance it will be reciprocated.

As a mother of four adult sons, none of what you say is true. I have good relationships with them and their wives and see my grandchildren as often as we can due to distances involved

You have a very long time until you even need to be worried about this. Just enjoy your two boys!

I am the mother of one (a daughter) and the grandmother of one (a daughter). I am close to my daughter and her family and try to be of use to her as a working mother. The best advice I can give to the mothers of sons is to be the mother-in -law you wanted.

I live in the same estate as my husbands mum (they bought first then begged us to reserve one of the house houses) and we’re at her house/she’s at ours all the time, sometimes we even bump into each other out a walk! I have a fantastic relationship with her and genuinely couldn’t imagine my life without them!

I'm a massive sports fan, love football, rugby, cricket, tennis, athletics and loads of other sports. I alway imagined my back garden would be use for DC to play sport. I have two teen boys has my lawn ever doubled as Lords or Twickenham or Wembley the way my childhood home did for me and my siblings? Nope, they both take after their Dad and have no interest in sport. Children of either sex can be very different to how you imagine them.

I’d come back to think about this in 20 years or so.

That seems a bit crazy for people to make those kinds of comments, my mind wouldn’t go there! I’m always shocked by how people imprint adult lives onto (in this case unborn) babies.

I’m only 4 months into motherhood with my little girl so not imagining grandma hood just yet. I’m sure being a grandma is a dream for many people, but I don’t think you can assume your 4 yo and the baby on its way will want to have children, or guess at the type of relationship you might have with any hypothetical grandchildren.

When you come back to this in 20 years or so, you could make sure to focus on developing really strong supportive relationships with yours son’s partners. That way you get to have beautiful nurturing relationships as a mother in law as well as a grandma!

We see PIL more than my parents, DH is an only. They are nice supportive, good to chat to and don't interfere. I wanted to move to the village they live in but it was DH who wanted to stay somewhere less rural. We've been on holiday with them more than my parents and last night agreed on another holiday with them next summer. They are just easy to be around.

I have two young children, and yes of course I’m closer to my own family but I ensure both sides see the children equally, my family on a Friday afternoon and the paternal side on a Sunday morning. I don’t treat the two sides differently, things like Christmas we spend the day at home ourselves but see one side Christmas Eve and the other on Boxing Day. It’s not always heavily in favour of the maternal side and I hope this will be the case for my boy when he’s older too!

Is your son closer to your side than your husbands? If so, I’d start there. Ask yourself why and if it’s possible to rectify that, so he’s raised close to both and seeing that as the norm. If he’s close to both sides, there’s your initial reason to ease your concerns - not all stereotypes are true (this one certainly isn’t for my family).

Instead of worrying about if’s and maybe’s, focus on raising boys who are kind, independent, empathetic and will be good supportive partners - I’m sure they’ll be keen to keep you close forever.

I'm a daughter in law to a mum who has two boys, we see her as much as my mum

Oh God not this again.

I have a 6 year old girl and she is currently downstairs watching Paw Patrol having spent the day in the park and dunking her plastic dinosaurs in the paddling pool outside.

Probably not too dissimilar to whatever your DS has been doing.

What ‘girlie things’ am I supposed to be experiencing right now?

Awful attitude to have OP. Be grateful for what you have and focus on raising kind, decent children.
There is more to life than spa days and pink frills.

Unpopular opinon(?)

When I look at women i know who are legit close to their sons and their families and whose "sons" are present in their lives.... they are "good women" who have friended their sons girlfriend/DIL hard.
By that I mean they.welcomed them as "real" family ... treated them well..invited them / included them... advocated for DIL...bought them nice things....learned about them... thought of them... when they had children they showed care to Dil not just baby, offered/ said they were there to help, then waited.

When I look at women who claim they are close to their sons but its their awful dil interfering / causing trouble.... theres generally fog, enmeshment and/or spousificiation occurring.

Just be normal and nice and it'll be fine.

Obviously.
Quite a lot of mums to be, methinks.

I dont hate them at all and watched my two play grass roots football most weekends from 5- 18 years, and then do refereeing as well. Point being that if I was particularly into ‘shopping and spa days’ etc I wouldnt be going with my adult male children. Their interests, like the vast majority of my friends’ adult male childen, lie elsewhere. It doesn’t bother me. It might bother some.

Its happened in dh family but its been made very clear to him by MIL that the girls do "girly" things together and all the girls are prioritised because "girls" are always about for there mums. However its been a self fulfilling prophecy. She made it this way by actively excluding her sons. Even when she visits she talks constantly about "her girls". She shows zero interest in her grandsons either and as a result the older ones have no interest in her. Dh would love to be included but he has given up bothering to try now. He knows its pointless.

However things didnt need to be like that. In most families I have seen that dynamic its been the sons being pushed out or the mother because they believing a son is a son till he takes a wife so it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

For the record as a female Inverness i hate shopping. Your more likely to find me up a hill covered in mud than spending hours shopping. I prefer car racing my with my son to getting my nails done.

Build a good relationship with your son, set a good example and be there and you will have good relationship with them. I know plenty of mums who have fabulous relationships with there adult sons and DIL

Women give their sons away. They listen to the “a sons a son” bollocks and don’t work at the relationship. My brother lives abroad and my mum is closer to him than me because she put the work in and they are more alike. If she wasn’t my mother I wouldn’t really get on with her.

I had 2 boys, then a girl and finally (as my daughter persuaded us that she wanted a sister 😬) another boy. My daughter has 2 sons and my youngest son and his partner are just about to have a little girl. My daughter probably wont have any more children and is gutted not to have a daughter as we are very close, however, I think, all it takes is a bit of effort on boy mums part, yes, they might grow away a bit as interests change but that happens with a girl too, if they get a partner be the best MiL ever, dont judge, accept and embrace your sons partner and your relationship can be just as close with them, especially as an adult.