Ex keeps turning up unannounced and it is affecting the children

[Drumrollpls]

I am out of ideas as what to do. Exh and i divorced 3 years ago now. He was abusive mentally, financially and coersive sexually. He also cheated. The children dont know the reasons, only that we argued a lot.

We have two pre-teens. They live with me but we have joint custody. Exh hasnt had no stable income or living situation for a year (i wont expand on why).

Ex has been visiting the dc at my place and i have allowed it for all of their sake. For three years i have tried to make him agree to pre-planning his visits, but he just turns up as and when at our door. He also takes them out to eat, do stuff etc. He has a good-ish relationship with dc. They feel some resentment towards dad, but they are all happy to see each other.

The problem is exhs behaviour. He is very shouty, talks on top of everyone, throws out accusations about random stuff etc. Ive had to ask him to leave my home on many occasions because he has stood there calling me a bitch, accused me of manipulating the dc and threatened with social services because i wont force dc to go with him when hes in these horrible moods.

There was a major bust-up last weekend when ex once again tried to force his way on older dc, and he was here shouting. I had to ask him to leave, but the whole thing was bad. Now younger one has developed major anxiety and school is involved. They held a meeting (me on phone, ex in person) and told us things have to calm down. They put it in writing that all visits must be pre-planned in writing for the psychological wellbeibg of the children and they are not to hear any arguments. This was yesterday.

Today i hear from my younger, that dad is coming to walk him to school tomorrow morning. He did not inform me. Again. I emailed him asking him to confirm he's coming tomorrow. Nothing.

Before you suggest the police or restraining orders, i have tried calling the police on him once. They didnt come because he's not physically violent. This is destroying my childs mental health and he knows that. He was told yesterday. And yet he still does this! What can i do?

Can you diaries these instances? Gather evidence? Do you have a ring doorbell?

I'm shocked that the professionals have advised you to host him in your home, this is far from normal! You would think that if they believe him about you being manipulative, the relationship being contentious that this would be a terrible idea anyway!

You mentioned that some of your children's closest friends live very nearby. Do any of them have dads who'd be happy to walk round if your ex turns up and won't go? Bullying men often slink away when confronted by another man.

The ring doorbell, the communication app, and the legal letter all sound very wise.

He is friends with these dads! They go on freaking bike rides together! And when he turns up the boys are happy. They dont need protection. He doesnt arrive all scary and angry. He comes along with the dog, energetic and happy and with stuff to do. Two faces. One for the outside world and the dark one for me.

The court will enforce it if they have to. He cannot just ignore court orders because he risks losing even more contact and, in particular, he risks being imprisoned for contempt of court.

Oh OP this is shit and I sympathise. I had a similar ish situation with my ex.
One thing that really helped me was to recognize the fact that although my relationship with my ex was over, the dynamic continued. I was still trying to placate him, still treading on eggshells, still putting up with stuff because if I didn't, he would be mean and that would upset the children.

You have to change the dynamic and create a set of ground rules that you never, ever deviate from. It will be very hard but it will work in the end. He is not to call you or your children before a certain time in the morning. He is to contact you only via email. He is not to come to your home, ever, because he abuses you when he's there. Contact is to be scheduled beforehand and not deviated from. He will have a tantrum and it will be shit, and then he will be okay.

Get support from Women's Aid. Do the Freedom Programme. But more than anything, be completely emotionless and cold in his company. Use the school's interjection as the motivation to change.

ring doorbell pay the higher amount for continual recording when activated.
Do not let him in the house.
Send him a letter that has to be signed for stating that he is only allowed to see the children on the set dates, is not allowed in the house now even at drop off and pick ups and that there are no impromptu visits. Also say that all communication will be via email.
Have a line that you say on repeat. Please email me your concerns. Say this repeatedly and say nothing else.
it’s time to have a slightly more honest conversation with your children so they understand what is healthy relationships and what is someone being emotionally selfish and controlling.
perhaps set up a new email only used for his communication and block everything else.

He sounds like my grandchildren’s father, also separated and has adhd like two of the children. He escalates very quickly if there’s arguments, can’t cope with a change of plan and is generally a bully. Nobody would be able to tell of course because he’s so friendly and busy and taking the children on active days out. No screen time on his watch!
He knows about the condition but has learned no coping mechanisms for anger management at all. So of course is not modelling anything positive and youngest is now at 5 a violent child whenever he’s frustrated, just like dad.
I don’t know what I’d do in your shoes. The only rule I have if I’m babysitting and he kicks off is to tell him to go outside and regulate himself, which he does. But it’s all very unpleasant and stressful.

He uses his apparent concerns over his children like a battering ram to walk over any boundaries.
He tries to involve you when he brings them back after taking them out because he wants you to discipline them, confiscate phones off them etc for their behaviour because he doesn’t like them having an opinion that differs to his. He wants you to side with him against them, he wants them punished so appears you are punishing them for seeing him plus he wants to keep you in conversation on doorstep or come into your house as a control tactic.
He rings up early with his concerns over youngest son to deliberately wake you both up to flex his control.
Every fatherly concern is about stamping on your’s and your DC’s boundaries.

As the DC are getting older he is losing control because they talk back and have their own thoughts and opinions that he can’t stamp over so easily and you are happy and managing well without him.
When he drops them back in a mood I would ask them what happened and as they explain any coercive controlling words actions from dad I would gently validate them for having their own opinions and voicing their feelings. They need validation and also coaching them how to express frustration and anger without flying off the handle like their dad does.

He didn't turn up before school but also has not responded to my emails telling him if he doesnt pre-arrange his visits i will seek a non molestation against him.

Now Im working from home today and was in the toilet and the doorbell rang. I looked out from upstairs window and it was him. I didnt open the door and he has gone in the back garden and left a bike for my son that he's fixed!?

I think you need to switch to a parenting app rather than email, the apps aren’t perfect but they do log when messages are read, highlight tone etc and are also able to be used as evidence for court.
Email him to formally tell him that you will be making the change to using an app as at the moment there are issues with communication that need to be resolved to minimise the impact on the children, all communication between you must now be in writing. Also state that whilst you are happy to enable a relationship with dc he must not turn up at your property unexpectedly and that you expect that if the children have let him into your house that he will leave on your return.

Get a video doorbell so any comments are recorded, when he returns with the children do not allow him to step foot in your house - if he asks then just say you are happy to discuss anything in writing.

He uses his apparent concerns over his children like a battering ram to walk over any boundaries.
He tries to involve you when he brings them back after taking them out because he wants you to discipline them, confiscate phones off them etc for their behaviour because he doesn’t like them having an opinion that differs to his. He wants you to side with him against them, he wants them punished so appears you are punishing them for seeing him plus he wants to keep you in conversation on doorstep or come into your house as a control tactic.
He rings up early with his concerns over youngest son to deliberately wake you both up to flex his control.
Every fatherly concern is about stamping on your’s and your DC’s boundaries.

As the DC are getting older he is losing control because they talk back and have their own thoughts and opinions that he can’t stamp over so easily and you are happy and managing well without him.
When he brings them back in a mood I would

Yeah, I had one like this.

He wants you to be on egg shells.

You asked him not to come this morning; he didn’t, because he’s a Nice Reasonable Guy Who Doesn’t Want To Cause Drama With His Nasty Unreasonable Ex 🤨

So he dropped the bike round because who could possibly object to a dad fixing his kid’s bike, huh? He didn’t even disturb you when you didn’t answer the door, he just went quietly away & now your ds is pleased to have his bike, so everyone (well, every Reasonable Person…) is happy! If you are not happy, clearly you are Unreasonable because he was actually doing a Nice Thing!

Meanwhile…he’s interrupted your work. He’s unsettled your day. He’s left you wondering wtf he’s playing at. He’s got to you just when you’d relaxed after he didn’t turn up this morning.

Basically, he’s pissed on your territory to show he still controls it, & if you have the temerity to put boundaries in place, he’ll show you that you won’t be getting away with that…

So I agree you need the ring doorbell, & the app, & diarise everything - he’s been told not to come round except by arrangement, he ignored that stipulation, it’s logged.

Send a really flat unemotional message (& again move to an app for this sort of thing ASAP):

’Fred. I notice that you were at the property today at 13:47. You rang the doorbell although we had not made an arrangement for you to come round. You then accessed the private back garden of the property before leaving. I wanted to remind you that you need to contact me if you need to arrange to visit my property, & check if it is convenient’.

Be very, very boring. He wants you to be upset &/or lose your temper.

Keep this up for as long as it takes: don’t let any breach of the contact arrangement go unmonitored or unrecorded, don’t show any emotion (you’re aiming for a ‘well this is tiresome of you’ tone).

Mine gave up. Eventually 😏

Thank you 🙏🙏 You get it. I had a long chat with the school wellbeing-person today and he said he will speak to ex again and try to make him act in a way that supports dc wellbeing. I told him good luck 😆

But in all honesty im really thankful for his support. And the fact he's a man might actually help.

I have been boringly grey-rocking him for 3 years now but the psychological pressure is so intense that sometimes i just boil over like i did last weekend. I was out on a solo walk and he called to yell at me and i just shouted at him that he's a fucking dickhead, and he needs to fuck off and he's not to set a foot in my home ever again without invitation from me and hung up.

Did i mention he even has a new gf?! I don't understand why he still fixates on hating me so much.

You need to view his words and actions as coercion and manipulation.
He brings DC back and starts trying to engage you in concerns over DC.
You say ‘I’m not going to discuss this over the doorstep, email me any concerns you have’.
Him ‘ let me in and we can have a reasonable conversation.’
You ‘I don’t want you in my home so email me any concerns you have.’
Him ‘ Surely we discuss this together like adults! You boys don’t mind your old dad coming inside?’
you ‘ I do not want you in my house, that is not up for debate. Email me your concerns.’
Tell boys to come inside and shut him out.
Keep yourself calm and assertive with I even when he tries to bring boys into it. He starts shouting and calling you names you tell him goodbye and shut door in his face and ring doorbell will have picked up whole conversation so you save it as proof. If he keeps banging on door or refuses to leave you ring police. You want evidence of his behaviour because once you become assertive his behaviour will deteriorate as his control loosens more. When you talk to your boys without him there, you ask them why their dad was angry.
They say ‘we told him we didn’t want to go to where he wanted to take us because it’s boring, too childish or he wanted to sit round his friends all day. When we said we would rather go somewhere else he flipped and called us ungrateful bastards!’
you ‘I understand why you didn’t want to go even though there are times we do have to go boring places. Do you feel he overreacted and was angry because you disagreed with him? How did it make you feel when he swore at you and shouted? Swearing is not acceptable and I understand why you felt upset. Do you think a compromise could have been reached where you went somewhere dad wanted to go and after somewhere you would enjoy too? Parents shouldn’t make you feel unsafe or scared, how should he have reacted?’
Don't answer the phone to him unless DC are with him, turn all phones on silent between a certain time at night till a certain time in morning. When he turns up unannounced you speak through ring doorbell and reiterate he has to stick to certain days just like he agreed with school.
I feel for you @Drumrollpls it must be so exhausting trying to keep your boundaries and boys safe from his harmful presence. I’m glad you shouted at him last weekend and told him how you feel and you don’t want him in the house! As he has a new gf he is trying to act the concerned dad of the year. I think that act will soon bore him hopefully once he hooks new gf in more and you don’t give him any chance to manipulate you all.

He should not be able to get into the back garden.
Find the money to get big gates installed that have padlocks on the inside, ones that are extremely difficult to climb over.

This is a perfect example of boundaries, physical and mental. Your boundaries are full of holes, metaphorically and literally.

There was no need for you to answer your phone to him.

Work on your boundaries - that means if you have told him email only, you don't answer his calls or texts, ever. You have to follow through on what you have said to him.

I agree with others that you need to talk honestly to your DS. They are old enough now to understand.
Tell them they are never, ever, to let him into your home, because it is your home and you don't want him there.

I know how hard this is @Drumrollpls , I've been through something similar and it is exhausting, so first I just want to send a hug. Or two hugs.

I'm now working with a counsellor to try and re-train myself not to feel accountable to my abusive ex, to regain control of the situation (he also used to just turn up, talks to the DC about stuff they really shouldn't know about, and plays the nice guy/victim with considerable expertise.)

I think your best option is a court based contact order, and then when he flouts that (which he will of course), then the court will deal with him, and you won't have to.

I have also told my children, and my ex, that he is not allowed inside the house; it's easier for us because we are in a new house, when we were in the (former) family home he just used to waltz in, even after I'd taken his key off him. The kids don't know why I have this rule, but they do respect it...and although I thought they'd find it difficult, it helps them too, as my ex's behaviour then stops at the door and they walk back into the calm sanctuary that I am creating for us.

With regards to the phone, I have a rubbish phone that I use just for the ex, it is switched off until five minutes before he is due to collect them and whilst they are with him, and is switched off again as soon as they are home. That way he cannot hassle me all day and at stupid o'clock over irrelevant issues, which was simply to upset and annoy me.

Somehow, you need to take back control...one small issue at a time. It's not easy, I know that only too well, and you have my sympathies and understanding; but you are allowed a life free of his interference...get the court to help you make that happen.

He has been fixated on you for so long it has become a habit. He will only change when it becomes inconvenient for him possibly when his new GF starts to gets annoyed about it.

The flat tone email to him is the best way to deal with this. It will give you easy to collate/access to what he’s been doing, plus it shows you are not giving him a reaction other than an account of his behaviour with no reference to you or your feelings. Try to send at the same time of day if possible (you can write it immediately but set a ‘send delay’ so he doesn’t see your email as a response to whatever he’s done.

If possible, I would also lock side gates so he cannot access your garden. Probably a good thing anyway as you are often home alone.

I’m wondering what your actual goal is here because every time somebody gives you a concrete suggestion of what you can do to improve the situation, you say that you can’t. That you are helpless. That there is no way to change your situation of being at the whim of a mercurial ex-husband. So I’m reading your responses in the comments and it sounds more like you wanna vent about how you feel victimized about the situation, but you’re not really interested in taking steps to change it.
Both kids are old enough to have opinions about how much they want you to step in and how much they want the current situation to change. Step one would be to have that conversation. Step two would be one of two things and possibly both. If changes desired contact the courts. That’s gonna be the best way to get a legal resolution. Another thing that I would suggest is looking at getting a therapist for your youngest, was experiencing anxiety. That would help them manage their father’s mercurial moods. It might help them distance themselves from the emotion. For example, example when there’s a fight….. observe and give it a score. Is that the worst fight he’s ever seen his dad have with one of you? Not that bad? Objectively observing it may help. A therapist will have many more tricks and tips to manage his response to his dad’s volatility, that may help him feel less anxious.

So basically you have three options. Live with the situation as is. Find a therapist to help everybody deal with the situation. Go to the courts and try to change the situation. But you have more control than you think you do. Up to you whether or not you use it.

We have a Eufy doorbell and security cameras- solar powered. You can set them to record when they are triggered by human motion and you can identify specific individuals so notifications can pop up saying "ex has been detected". You can also choose to record at anytime. All done via an app. Data stored on hard drive near your modem. No ongoing fee. I set it up the app, connection etc, very straightforward. My husband did the drilling and placing. You could probably ask someone locally if you needed help with it? We've added more and for others now too.
I think gathering evidence of his behaviour towards you and these visits would be a good idea.

He fixates because he is an abuser. Stil. It doesn’t matter that it’s not physical, he is attempting ( and succeeding) to coercively control you and your DC. Patterns like this often continue even after the living together part of the relationship ends. Women often try to appease for the sake of the DC. Even if you try to grey rock him, he is still using access to the DC to control the situation.

This is not me saying it’s your fault. I have been there myself. But it is only you who can change it. Contact the DA support again. Read out your emails if you need to. Please do the Freedom Programme. It’s life changing, it can help change yours.

Finally he might love his DC and he them, but that doesn’t mean he’s a god father. His behaviour shows he’s not. You know it’s making them unhappy, and potentially more than that. It could be behaviour they go on to replicate in later years. You can’t make him the dad they deserve, nor do you need to help facilitate a relationship that is actively damaging them.

It seems impossible, I remember but it’s not. I too felt completely overwhelmed. It’s your normal, but it doesn’t have to be. Taking control will help you see that as well as improve your lives going forward. It isn’t easy, and of course it won’t be without pushback from him, and probably your DC but it will be so worth it.

I would go to court. Seek orders that all communication is through a parenting app, set times and days for contact, and that he is not permitted to enter your home.

Tell your DC that it will benefit everyone to have rules in place, that the court is there for this purpose and thus is why you have done this.

If he gets angry with you use the same response each time - in writing. Something like I have taken this step given the schools concerns and because it is in the best interests of the DC. Don’t engage in anything further.

And stop answering his calls. Someone else has suggested sending messages at a specific time only. Do that. It will be better for your mental health

Is it an option to get a court order / restraining order to prevent him coming to your house ?
them children could be collected from park. Corner shop etc ? I don’t think it’s reasonable or achievable to expect kids to tell him no .
that way home remains safe, conflict free, and handover is on neutral territory? Not been I. This position so not sure how feasible it is ?
jyst seems he’s still calling the shots despite the separation?

You must face it, although you are divorced you are still in an ongoing abusive relationship with your ex. I understand why you allow him to visit dc in your house because you don’t know what he might be saying or doing if they were in his house. Nevertheless, he is still abusive and coercively controlling and he is doing it to your children. Understand that there are NO good times. The ‘good times’ are part of the control. He knows what he is doing and I think you have seriously underestimated him. Please contact your local women’s services or phone the national domestic abuse helpline 08082000247 they will definitely take you seriously. And just so you know abusers often refuse to stick to appointments and turn up unexpectedly because their goal is to maintain power and control by creating an unpredictable, chaotic environment. By disregarding schedules and boundaries, they force their ex partners and dc into a state of constant anxiety, ensuring that the victim's life revolves around the abuser's whims, rather than their own commitments. Please take care

I would suggest asking for support from an early help worker. They provide lots of support and advice around parental conflict.