Ex keeps turning up unannounced and it is affecting the children

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I am out of ideas as what to do. Exh and i divorced 3 years ago now. He was abusive mentally, financially and coersive sexually. He also cheated. The children dont know the reasons, only that we argued a lot.

We have two pre-teens. They live with me but we have joint custody. Exh hasnt had no stable income or living situation for a year (i wont expand on why).

Ex has been visiting the dc at my place and i have allowed it for all of their sake. For three years i have tried to make him agree to pre-planning his visits, but he just turns up as and when at our door. He also takes them out to eat, do stuff etc. He has a good-ish relationship with dc. They feel some resentment towards dad, but they are all happy to see each other.

The problem is exhs behaviour. He is very shouty, talks on top of everyone, throws out accusations about random stuff etc. Ive had to ask him to leave my home on many occasions because he has stood there calling me a bitch, accused me of manipulating the dc and threatened with social services because i wont force dc to go with him when hes in these horrible moods.

There was a major bust-up last weekend when ex once again tried to force his way on older dc, and he was here shouting. I had to ask him to leave, but the whole thing was bad. Now younger one has developed major anxiety and school is involved. They held a meeting (me on phone, ex in person) and told us things have to calm down. They put it in writing that all visits must be pre-planned in writing for the psychological wellbeibg of the children and they are not to hear any arguments. This was yesterday.

Today i hear from my younger, that dad is coming to walk him to school tomorrow morning. He did not inform me. Again. I emailed him asking him to confirm he's coming tomorrow. Nothing.

Before you suggest the police or restraining orders, i have tried calling the police on him once. They didnt come because he's not physically violent. This is destroying my childs mental health and he knows that. He was told yesterday. And yet he still does this! What can i do?

I would call 101 and explain what has now happened with the school and ask them for advice. Don't be put off on the basis of the one time the police wouldn't come out. They will be able to make suggestions to you and even signpost you to other support if this doesn't fall completely within their jurisdiction. I am sorry you are going through this.

He doesn’t have a good relationship with his DCs. He has abused them and you can’t comtinue to allow their abuser to show up and come into their home.

I would see advice from a domestic abuse charity.

This is so difficult though, because he CAN be good when he wants to. He does all the nice dad-things with them (dc are boys) fixing bikes, football, fishing etc. They genuinely do have a bond and a good time most of the time. And dc do want to see him so cutting him off completely would be even more harmful.

It’s not really a police situation, but it is one for the family courts. You need to put a stop to his contact until more suitable arrangements can be put in place.

You are then person who can safeguard your children from him and his behaviour. You need to give him a schedule of contact - outside of your home - that offers structure for the children. If he turns up outside of that unplanned - tough.

If he can’t stick to it - tough.

if he won’t agree to that immediately, Seek a non molestation order and let him go via the courts to secure a revised contact order. And contact social services yourself before the school does it for you.

I think you are overestimating the value of their relationship, especially given the school have told you today that this must stop.

your son has anxiety as a result of this. That’s not good parenting from either of you.

if you can’t safeguard the children as resident parent, then you are under the spotlight too.

Ive tried everything else but the courts. Ive been to domestic abuse help, social services intervied us once already based on that but no action was taken. (dc home life is good with me so they had no worries). Most of the time ex just turns up when im not even home and is all jolly, brings dc something and acting nice so ofcourse they just let him in. This is our former family home. He used to live here. I put it wrong earlier, one dc is already a teen, one is a preteen so they are home on their own after school before i come home from work.

Saying he has a good relationship with th the boys is like saying he was good to you 80% of the time even when he was abusive for 20%. During the “good” times you are still walking on eggshells and trying to keep him calm. Which is not right.

set out contact times that work for you and the kids and let him take you to court if he wants something different.

He is dangerous. His behaviour is emotionally damaging the DC. You need to prevent it however you can.
Reorganise everything so they aren’t home alone. Be out as much as you can. Block his number on their phones. Phase him out. Make it so he doesn’t bother coming because you won’t be there.
Don’t let him in. If he kicks up a fuss, that’s when you can call the police.

And move if you have to.

How is this my fault exactly? If he turns up at my door tomorrow morning for dc, acting all happy and supportive what can i do? Call the police on 'happy dad' whose just 'trying to help' and cause even more trauma for young dc?

Op, insympathise. You will get a lot of people who see this as very black and white, bit of course it is more complicated. It sounds like you cant stop the dc from letting him in. I think you can insist that he leaves when you return. If he refuses or acts aggressively, call the police.

I also thibk its time to start being a bit more honest with the children. You need to explain that this is your home and his behaviour is not ok. Tell them that when you were together they dont remember or didnt see but he was often aggressive and shouty and thats part of why the relationship ended. Tell them that you want them to have a good relationship with him but you cant let him.behave like this in your home and that its not good for you or for them.

It sounds like je does have a relationship with the children but what worries me is that it also sounds like in part his goal is to stay in YOUR life and to control you

Leave earlier than he will arrive.

Stop letting him into your house.

Report everything.

Id seriously consider moving.

I would be gone before he arrives in the morning, take son for breakfast somewhere if need be.

arrange things better after school so they aren’t home alone, I know easier said than done. But you need to make things difficult for him to see them when you’re not in

Thank you. Sounds like you understand the difficulty. I have dealth with exh the best i can whilst keeping the dc stability as a priority. We haven't moved because our neighbourhood is very important to dc. Schools are close by. Neighbours are caring, and several of their best friends live few doors down. Its all familiar and safe and i havent wanted to change that. I myself live a very boring life. I go to work, come back and just am available for dc at all times. I give them lifts, cook, bake and just stay home if they need me. But i have also been under huge psychological pressure from him for years that its taking its toll on me too a bit

I think his oppression of you has left you feeling powerless. More powerless than you are.

You don’t have to resolve this in one dramatic swoop, but you can work hard at minimising his access in all the ways we’ve listed. Get school’s support as they are raising it. Get advice from domestic abuse charities.

Make it much, much harder for him. Stop being a sitting duck.

Of course he is a nice dad sometimes, that's how many abusers work.
Three years after separation he shouldn't be turning up unannounced at your door and expecting you to facilitate his visits at your house.
Your children need to and deserve to know when dad has access. They need that structure. The set up and his behaviour is affecting them. You need to have agreed times for access- and access doesn't happen in your house. This is perfectly reasonable. You need boundaries.
Sit down with your children and agree the times. Discuss why this is changing. I would also suggest they do not let him into the house.
Email him with suggested access times, that he picks kids up and returns.
If he doesn't agree or keeps showing up unannounced - and I would consider doing this anyway- you need a court order. His behaviour is directly affecting your child and you need to put a stop to it.
Tomorrow leave the house before his show time.
This turning up whenever is his controlling behaviour. Cut it out.

School is 5 minute walk away. What must i do? Take son there half an hour early to wait by himself? Son will also question why would he need to go so early. He is a preteen. Not a toddler.
Nothing also stops ex going up to school. The problem is people can walk around in this world and go whereever they want, and since ex is very pleasant and convincing to the outer world, no one can do anything. Also he can just say he didnt see my email as an explanation why he didnt respond. Say he went to bed early or something. I know the game. He is so good at it

I think your only course of action is to go to Court and have a proper Contact Arrangement Order put in place. The fact that the school have got involved, is to your advantage. It's evidence that your ex has been told that he needs to stick to a fixed schedule. Your ex isn't going to do this, on the say so of the school. He's not interested that his actions are causing your child anxiety. He's turning up when he wants to unbalance you, it's a form of control.

You need to message him, saying that you'd like to set out a schedule for his contact time. Give him the opportunity to engage with you. You also need to stop having his contact time in your home. He needs to take the children out. He's using this to control you, to verbally abuse you. I fully expect him to ignore your request to arrange a schedule. Leave it a few more days and ask again. He will likely ignore you or become irritated. Keep all the messages. They are evidence that you are trying to engage with him, but he's not responding.

The lack of engagement by him and any abuse he dishes out towards you by text, will be viewed dimly by a Court. He's deliberately being difficult and awkward....again it's about control. His housing/lack of employment are not your responsibility. Your responsibility is to encourage your children to have a relationship with their Dad and to make sure they are available for his contact time. He needs to figure out where he's going to spend his contact time with them, it's not your job to facilitate it.

Get legal advice, go to court.

I agree you need legal advice. Do you have a ring or recording doorbell?

Why can't you tell the children what the school have said? Let them know they shouldn't open doors for him if you aren't home or get someone to stay with them until you're back.
The advice to go to court is really the best course of concrete action you should take.

I'd get a Ring type doorbell so you can have recordings of every time he just turns up without warning. Plus of any time he gets angry on the doorstep.

On a related note, take it he doesn't still have a key? Can you deactivate or disconnect your current doorbell? I wouldn't answer the door to him in the morning and I'd send another email telling him not to come as you won't be facilitating it before school.

Since last weekends incident i told him yet again that he is not allowed to turn up unannouced. This must have been the 4th time. He paints that as me being controlling and stopping him seeing his dc.

So if i go to court and contact is agreed formally. Then what? Who enforces it? Or is it just up to him again and what happens if he doesnt follow the schedule?

You need proper legal advice. Contact a women's charity for advice.

He doesnt have a key anymore. And no i dont have a ring doorbell camera. Are they difficult to set up?