Ex keeps turning up unannounced and it is affecting the children

[Drumrollpls]

I am out of ideas as what to do. Exh and i divorced 3 years ago now. He was abusive mentally, financially and coersive sexually. He also cheated. The children dont know the reasons, only that we argued a lot.

We have two pre-teens. They live with me but we have joint custody. Exh hasnt had no stable income or living situation for a year (i wont expand on why).

Ex has been visiting the dc at my place and i have allowed it for all of their sake. For three years i have tried to make him agree to pre-planning his visits, but he just turns up as and when at our door. He also takes them out to eat, do stuff etc. He has a good-ish relationship with dc. They feel some resentment towards dad, but they are all happy to see each other.

The problem is exhs behaviour. He is very shouty, talks on top of everyone, throws out accusations about random stuff etc. Ive had to ask him to leave my home on many occasions because he has stood there calling me a bitch, accused me of manipulating the dc and threatened with social services because i wont force dc to go with him when hes in these horrible moods.

There was a major bust-up last weekend when ex once again tried to force his way on older dc, and he was here shouting. I had to ask him to leave, but the whole thing was bad. Now younger one has developed major anxiety and school is involved. They held a meeting (me on phone, ex in person) and told us things have to calm down. They put it in writing that all visits must be pre-planned in writing for the psychological wellbeibg of the children and they are not to hear any arguments. This was yesterday.

Today i hear from my younger, that dad is coming to walk him to school tomorrow morning. He did not inform me. Again. I emailed him asking him to confirm he's coming tomorrow. Nothing.

Before you suggest the police or restraining orders, i have tried calling the police on him once. They didnt come because he's not physically violent. This is destroying my childs mental health and he knows that. He was told yesterday. And yet he still does this! What can i do?

Send your email anyway and reference how this was agreed at the meeting with the school. It's not the first he has heard of it. Lay out the new schedule. State you will not let him into your house. These are the new agreed times. You could text him saying you have sent it.
If he calls outside of that structure, don't answer the door to him. That may be hard but you have to be resolute. You can't stop him being in a public place but if your child does not want him to walk him to school, that is perfectly OK. Their father needs to respect their wishes. If he doesnt, you record this.
If he claims he didn't get the email, that's fine, record it. If he doesn't follow it, you record every action. Record it all and go to court.
I would keep any interaction very short with him. If he wont leave your house you ring the police.

He’s forcing his way into your home when the DC are home while you are out at work? Without your permission? He is not allowed into your home without your permission! Then they are on tender hooks waiting for him to get angry, feeling helpless that he barges in.
I would get a ring door bell for your front and back door.

He mostly saves being awful for me, not dc. He usually comes to my home when hes come back from somewhere with the dc and there has been an argument and he wants me to discipline the dc (take away screen time or something). And then i try to listen everyones side what happened and he starts shouting and blaming me for not being on his side etc. Its a mess. Dc are older now and they have opinions and he cant handle that.

When im not home he turns up at the door but hasnt let himself in for a while because ive asked him not to. But now ive asked him to stop turning up at the door too. But he will most likely do tomorrow anyways.

His accusations of you trying to keep him away from the children are laughable because you wouldn’t have allowed him into your home to see them for so long. His words are just said to wound you and are not based on reality. Don’t try to facilitate him visiting them, it’s him who has to step up not you.
Don't ever allow him into your home again, it’s your’s and dc’s safe place and he’s trying to invade it. He’s imposing his will onto you and dc and it’s affecting them.

Im Not saying it’s your fault. I’m saying your actions in safeguarding your children are what enables you to retain as resident parent. If you can’t safeguard them then your parental capability is also brought into question from social services. Who the school will contact if they haven’t already or if things don’t change.

They are telling you to make changes. they put it in writing - they are following their own safeguarding protocols to evidence what they asked you to do.

You need a family solicitor and to collect evidence of his behaviour.

start with a mediator, to agree a schedule that he must stick to. If that means the children can’t be unsupervised because there is a risk he just turns up then don’t leave them unsupervised.

There are apps that can be used for communication that is trackable between parents and you insist all comms re the children must go through that.

if he doesn’t stick to the schedule then block contact get a non molestation order.

He is still abusing you, and now the children too.

Make it clear to the children and him that he is no longer is welcome inside your house. Put this in writing. Then contact police if he continues to ask for, or gain, access. This is NOT you being controlling, this is you maintaining an entirely appropriate boundary. Asking a young child to let him in when he knows you have said no is coercion on his part.

Go back to women’s aid for support and ask the court to regularise contact with the children.

Yes, i know. And to be honest i would welcome social services at this point. Im a good parent, i just need back up.
We have been to a mediator many times. We once agreed week to week schedule with him but it lasted 6 months before his situation changed and children came back to me full-time, which is probably best for them but Its been an exhausting year. I have no fight left in me. Dc had surgery, extensive physio, both have braces and dentist appts, tje other broke a bone, they are neurodiverse, lots of planning and helping with daily life, taking to clubs and hobbies, homework etc and i do this alone plus working full-time. And i dont really get proper financial contribution from him either so that stress is on me too. Its a bit much.

When he brings them back don’t let him into house, he drops them off at the door only. You tell him he is not welcome to come in. If he expects you to discipline them for something that’s happened whilst he was out with them tell him you refuse to be drawn in to his arguments and speak to them later and find out what has happened. (He’s angry at them and wants you to gang up on them with him.)
Once DC are home you can discuss with them what happened as like you said he doesn’t like the fact they have their own opinion as they are growing up. I would let them know it’s ok to have their own opinion.

Ring doorbell
chat gpt to help you write a serious letter about how he is not to approach your property except on agreed days (assuming it’s not the marital home and he has no right to this)
if he refused to adhere to this put it in writing again
if not then apply for a non molestation order

You can report him for harrassment too, they may not be interested in a DA lens but they will from a harrassment lens. You need to be very clear that he’s been told in writing to stop it

Someone coercive won’t stick to your boundaries because you ask nicely op, they will because you follow through on what you say and involve authorities when needed

I think as a start, get a ring doorbell. This will monitor his coming and going.

You need to have an honest, age-appropriate conversation with your kids.

When they are home alone, do they stay home until you return or are they allowed to come and go? Could they stay at a neighbour’s / their friends? If they stay home, could you just instruct them they are not to open the door, regardless of who it is?

He is doing this intentionally as a way to assert control. He doesn’t care about the affect it is having on his own children, never mind on you.

So although you have no fight left, you need to dig deep and fight for your kids. They will remember this for the rest of their lives; you need to make sure they remember you did everything in your power to protect them.

Do not let him into your house and do not engage in any discussion with him around the children's behaviour- or indeed anything. You are just giving him opportunities to berate you - in your own house. You don't have to put up with this and your children don't either.
If mediation has failed go to court. In fact I would pursue this tomorrow.
You really need to put boundaries down.

All abusers are good when they want to be. If they weren’t no one would stay with them.

This. Stop playing nice. As he obvs can’t do this.

Ring doorbells are fairly easy to set up.

This. Could you use the solicitor you used for your divorce?

Why won't you get legal advice?

Mediation can't work in this situation.

He has been quite absent for over a year and busy with work. Now its ramped up again because he is off work and has time to cause trouble.
He called this morning when we were still in bed. First older son, then me asking how younger son is doing. I told him stop calling and to not turn up and communicateby email only. Older son is frustrated too. He doesnt want to be involved.

You need legal advice, and you need support from a suitable organisation about how to put boundaries in place for you and your kids.

Presumably you didn't answer the early morning phonecall?

@Drumrollpls is there any way you can get some work flexibility to work from home day in the afternoons? So you are there when DC get home from school?

I did because it was ringing and i didnt want my younger to wake up who was fast asleep next to me. He had already woken older one up by that point by ringing him and knew if i didnt answer, he would just call older son again. I picked up, told him everyones still asleep, told him to communicate by email and hung up.

And i have actually taken legal advice before. I have been to domestic abuse charity and councelling, mediators, family councelling (Just me and him to work out living areangements for dc), police and social services. It is tricky because he is not physically violent and what he does is not clearly identifiable as abuse from an outsiders point of view. He also paints a picture of me as controlling, manipulative, possesive of the dc, alienating.. and the professionals believe him. I have been warned by professionals alianating children from parents is illegal, its been suggested i facilitate his visits at my place, that i need to support father-son relationships.. He is very convincing and comes accross as a suffering father who misses his children. And these professionals dont want to know the reason for the divorce. Based on what they hear, it sounds like exh is very angry with me and therefore i must be the one who has done something awful like cheated etc.

This. Agree that (calm appropriate) honestly is the best policy.

Don't pretend that everything is fine and that your relationship was fine. By down playing how wrong things are/were you could be undermining their legitimate feelings, normalising this kind of relationship. This is what is causing the anxiety. The kids know this isn't right but they need you to affirm their feelings.

Haven't read every pp. Have you considered the freedom program? Could help with strategies to deal with him and help to train yourself out of your (understandable) reactions to him.