Ex keeps turning up unannounced and it is affecting the children

[Drumrollpls]

I am out of ideas as what to do. Exh and i divorced 3 years ago now. He was abusive mentally, financially and coersive sexually. He also cheated. The children dont know the reasons, only that we argued a lot.

We have two pre-teens. They live with me but we have joint custody. Exh hasnt had no stable income or living situation for a year (i wont expand on why).

Ex has been visiting the dc at my place and i have allowed it for all of their sake. For three years i have tried to make him agree to pre-planning his visits, but he just turns up as and when at our door. He also takes them out to eat, do stuff etc. He has a good-ish relationship with dc. They feel some resentment towards dad, but they are all happy to see each other.

The problem is exhs behaviour. He is very shouty, talks on top of everyone, throws out accusations about random stuff etc. Ive had to ask him to leave my home on many occasions because he has stood there calling me a bitch, accused me of manipulating the dc and threatened with social services because i wont force dc to go with him when hes in these horrible moods.

There was a major bust-up last weekend when ex once again tried to force his way on older dc, and he was here shouting. I had to ask him to leave, but the whole thing was bad. Now younger one has developed major anxiety and school is involved. They held a meeting (me on phone, ex in person) and told us things have to calm down. They put it in writing that all visits must be pre-planned in writing for the psychological wellbeibg of the children and they are not to hear any arguments. This was yesterday.

Today i hear from my younger, that dad is coming to walk him to school tomorrow morning. He did not inform me. Again. I emailed him asking him to confirm he's coming tomorrow. Nothing.

Before you suggest the police or restraining orders, i have tried calling the police on him once. They didnt come because he's not physically violent. This is destroying my childs mental health and he knows that. He was told yesterday. And yet he still does this! What can i do?

I think you're being unkind here. There are not many people in this world who have dealt with a person like this and it must feel really frustrating that there is little control to be had sometimes. That someone can be so clever and manipulative that they can insert control and be abusive in ways that are hard to prove and no one else witnesses.

There are a few people on this thread who understand. And it feels so validating. Because there are no easy answers. And did you not see ive been to councelling, mediation, abuse charity, called police, logged it with lawyers who handle financial separation, social services etc.. now son goes to councelling in school. Ive asked for help. Haven't received any. Until now that school councelling seems to believe me.

And the other points, boys WANT to see their dad. They hate the conflicts, but its not every time. Most of the time he is nice to them. They play football, ride bikes, walk their dog that they love.. There are no simple solutions, and thats why i posted. To see if anyone else had beem through similar
And they have.

@Drumrollplsplease try and stop very far back @20centuryStephhas made some valid points. You seem to be still paralysed by your ex actions.

You can refuse all contact until a CAO is agreed, you can insist that all contact with you is via a court approved app.

Absolutely have the sound on all mobile phones turned off overnight. I would remove the mobiles from your DC overnight too.

You know your ex is a wolf often in sheep’s clothing. You need to keep grey rocking and when you speak to any professional state that he uses coercive behaviour on you & the DC and he is manipulative enough to not cross the line.

Look at putting in writing that he is not welcome to set foot on even the path on your property and you will see it as harassment if he does. Get the ring doorbell etc.

It’s not that you haven’t tried and it’s not that he isn’t clever and manipulative and it’s exhausting but there are still actions you can take.

I think you are underestimating the number of people who have encountered this kind of person. For one you’ve never met me or my father. You are not as unique as you think you are. And if I seem unkind, maybe it’s because what you were actually seeking is tea and sympathy. Not empathetic advice.

Honestly there are many, many men like this unfortunately. His behaviour, his appearing a good guy etc is not unusual.

You think that other posters don’t get it, or blame you. That’s certainly not the case with me. But He WONT CHANGE. You need to change how you deal with him. So what if you have had advice previously, ask again. Have you done the Freedom Programme as I, and others have already suggested? Please look at all of this. You need to take back control of your own life. It won’t be easy, but you can do it.

Finally, and again. He is not a good father at this point. He may be a loving one, but that doesn’t mean he’s not damaging your DC. He is now, and into the future too. They may well enjoy seeing him, of course they love him. That doesn’t mean it’s either the right thing or even a good thing. Sometimes as parents we have to say no to children, sometimes we have to stop them doing things they want to. For their sake. Please consider this, and what others have said even if you don’t like it.

I do understand how difficult it is . You can turn it around.

See my response. I don’t think the situation is anywhere near as unique as you think it is. My father could be exactly as you describe, and I have the self harm scars on my body to show for it. The example I get of rating fights is a real one that I got in therapy to deal with situations in my life when I was a teenager. Your situation is not as uncommon as you think. I think you have more control than you think you do if you’re here for tea and sympathy and not empathetic concrete steps then that would be my bad and I’m sorry.

FYI-therapy is not necessarily a one off event. Sometimes it requires years and also sometimes the first therapist doesn’t work and so you need to find another-someone that you have a rapport with. Just cause you’ve tried it once don’t immediately take it off the table.

You need to go to court and get an arranged visitation agreement. Of course he cannot have joint custody if he has nowhere to live. So you need set visitation, contact with you through a parent app, and a restraining order if he simply keeps turning up! Take control!

There are more that have been through it than you think. And you need to take control. As all he is doing now is continuing his coercive behaviour. He doesn’t give a toss if it affects the kids. Men like this never do. Get a fixed visitation schedule in place via court. Take control

You need to find ways to ratchet down the potential for conflict. You need to stop engaging with him. No getting into discussions on how to discipline the kids etc. Preferably nothing in person. Ask him to drop the kids outside and leave. He does not come into your house. You do not engage in any conversation. Do not answer phone calls. Disconnect the call, send brief factual messages. Record and keep copies of all written communications, ideally through a co-parenting app.

Also, however charming you think he is, professional see through these people. He is not unique. Just protect yourself and your children.

Just send it to voicemail, or turn the ringer off. No need to let it ring out.

This. You need to stop him entering your property uninvited! Doesn’t matter if he has fixed a bike or not…

OP, I have been thinking about you but haven't had a chance to post. A couple o fpoints.

1. It appears school DO see through him. So not everyone does perhaps, and he might well be bad mouthing you out in the wild as it were, but it' sobviously not working 100%. School will, in addition, be seeing that, for exaple, you are the one turning up at events, responding to emails from school, being present etc. Keep working with them.
2. Other people might well see through him a bit too. Those dads? it wouldn't surprise me if the mums they are married to are doing a lot more eye rolling. I speak from experience - the ranting and raging starts to wear thin. But, also from experience, people are weak and dont' challenge or cut people off.
3. Your boundaries are for you to enforce - he will never do it. So decide what you are and aren't comfortable with, and enforce it. I suggest that if he wants to see boys and you're not there, fine, but that once you return home he must leave. He can fetch and drop boys off, but can't stay in between. If he wants to see them at odd times, he needs to check in witn you/them and respect any yes/no that results. He will ignore all this but you just return home and ask him to leave. If he turns up when he's not supposed to, you ask him to leave. Or, at best, you ask the boys if they want to go to the park with him or whatever, and then you ask him to leave.
4. Re boundaries, as you enforce these boundaries, his anger, raging, aggression will ramp up. In the short term, that's awful, but actually, try to see it as a good thing - the more he behaves like this, the more people see through him and the more you can calmly remind yourself that this behaviour is the problem.
5. Disciplining the boys - not your problem. If he is unhappy about how the boys have behaved while they are with him, that's on him. It's got nothing to do with you outside of perhaps really really big things. But no, it's NOT on you to punish them becuase they were a bit lippy with him or whatever.

I would go to court. this has continued for ages. I think you have a strong case to say this lack of consistency, the aggression in your home (which I assume the boys see and that the school can back you up on) is not helpful. Court ordered contact at set times is the way forward.

I know there's a lot of whinging by these men about how the children then don't want to see them and they don't get to see them. But frankly, it's self infliected. They get themselves fired/out of work, they lose their homes, they are so erratic when they are around the chldren that the children start to be resistant. that's not your problem, it's his.

Thank you for all this. I have actually set up a system now with friends (nearby) where if i send a certain emoji in group chat they come knocking on my door if ex is here and refuses to leave. I guess court is next, but my head and calendar is so full of everything child/divorce/health related that i am really struggling to keep it all together already.