My mother let someone take my son to the toilet.

[Duiwjankdjen16382]

Please can i have your opinions. Recently myself and my son went to a large family meal for my Grandads birthday. I went to order food and left my 3 year old son with my mum (his nan) when I came back to the table I asked my mum where my son was. She said he needed the toilet so her male cousin took him. This is the first time that my son has met him as he lives quite far away. I was upset as to my son it was a stranger and wasn't asked my permission. My mums cousin I know, I've been to his family Get together with his wife, children and grand children over the years. But it just didn't sit right with me. My son was gone 2 mins and didny seem phased by it. My husband when I told him was also not happy. We spoke to my mum but she didn't see a problem. Am i over reacting?

We do understand, what a bizarre comment.

However, in this instance a well known cousin apparently has managed to stay under the radar/ not abuse his own children, his grandchildren, his cousin's children (such as OP), all of whom he has had plentiful access and opportunities to groom.

He would suddenly be unable to resist his urges in the 2 or 3 minutes that he was requested to accompany the OP's child in a busy public place at a family event.

He maybe considered it his best opportunity to take advantage in a busy restaurant full of the public and family members who could, and some likely did, walk into the restaurant toilet during that period.

He's not a stranger at a public toilet that if walked in on could escape before being caught. It was the early part of a large family celebration where he would be easily identified.

I assume it was busy because OP didn't keep her child with her (as safer to remain seated with the family group) and didn't notice he was missing from the table.

Instead it was more likely that well-known cousin would simply comply with the request and return the child unharmed - as happened.

We don't know why grandma asked him, but she did what many of us would have thought not ideal, but not a big deal to make a huge drama about.

We also don't know why OP didn't ensure she had taken her child to the toilet before she left him. That's what most of us experienced parents probably would have done, but OP and her mum used their own judgement to a different end. There was no harm done and hopefully they'll both approach a similar situation differently in future.

Why wouldn't you just take your 3 year old grandson to the ladies?

I'm baffled that you would search for a man to take him when it's completely appropriate for a child that young to use either bathroom, depending on the sex of the person accompanying him.

Sending him with 'the nearest bloke you know' would be beyond irresponsible... especially when there's an easy and obvious solution.

OP, it doesn't sound like you are particularly close to this cousin and I wouldn't be happy either. I'm sure he's a lovely guy, but statistically, many children know their abusers in some way. Being related isn't a guarantee that he's a safe adult.

I think it’s pretty obvious the OP had no idea her son needed the toilet at the exact moment she was ordering her “factory made” food at the bar.

He's three. She's his mother. She must have had some idea that it was a while since he'd last been to the toilet. It's pretty standard practice for the mothers of 3 year olds to check whether their child needs the toilet whenever they arrive at their destination and regularly throughout the day.

You're right. Most parents wouldn't want their child going to the toilet with a family member the child doesn't know. That's fair enough and not going with people you don't know is a good lesson for children to learn. But I'd hesitate to be congratulating myself on my child abuse awareness on that basis alone.

None of us know who he has or hasn’t abused over the years. We know many people don’t disclose until later in life or ever, or they do and it’s not believed/ brushed under the carpet.

Many older men get convicted of abusing children, sometimes historic abuse, sometimes recent.

I have read numerous threads on here where family members have been arrested for owning child abuse images and other family members want to pretend it hasn’t happened. Unfortunately some families keep stuff like these things secret.

But the grandmother was looking after the 3 year old. If I asked my mum or mil to keep an eye on my
child while I ordered food and then the child needed a wee, I’d expect them to take the child to the toilet or come and take over the ordering so I can take them. Why did the cousin need to be involved at all?

The thing is, child abusers tend to keep it quiet, you know?

It's rare that there's 'evidence' of risk or likelihood. If it wasn't, there wouldn't be so many people on here talking about the SA they've experienced.

So once parents understand the reality of how child abusers are able to operate, the only real lever they have, until the DC is older, is to reduce the number of times the child is in a circumstance where it would be possible.

Please spend a bit of time in the court system. Listen to some historic abuse cases. Harrowing. Perpetrators get away with things for decades.

1 in 20 children. usually a family member. Often goes unreported.

What a small, terrified world you all live in. The child was in the restaurant with his family including his grandma's cousin, who isn't a "distant" relative as some fantasist in the thread above called him. If the child had been gone for more than two minutes, presumably the family would've gone to fetch him.

Every single situation isn't a safeguarding crisis FFS

Yeah i have to say i’m surprised at all the shock here at letting a relative take them to the toilet at a big family event, and yet I bet many of the same parents have been ok to send their kids to childminders where their kids are more likely to interact with complete strangers.

Distant enough that the 3 year old had not met him before. The reason I am aware of the risks because my world isn’t small, I have seen a lot and heard many stories. I’m not terrified- I just think there are simple steps you can make to reduce risks.

You'd have to ask the grandmother that. As I said earlier when someone else is looking after your child you have to accept that their judgment and perspective may differ from yours.

I wouldn't be happy with that. Children are rightly taught that things like undressing/toileting are private. Being told to trust an unknown adult in that situation would be very confusing to a 3 year old. If he is told he can go into the bathroom with this strange man, why not another one?
Your mother should have known better.

Not overreacting, I would feel the same.

What is a distant relative😂. Your grandmother’s cousin is pretty distant! The child had never met him - we don’t know how much time OP has spent with him but she referencing having gone to functions over the years.

it’s not terrified to think a three year old shouldn’t be taken to the toilet by a relative he has never met before and who is by any reasonable persons definition a distant relative. The this child this man is his first cousin twice removed.

Im torn by this.
CSA is usually reported as being perpetrated by someone the child/parents/family knows, thats how children are accessed (obviously not the only way)
And I expect a fair few of us, if we're being honest, have seen cases reported, mums new bf of a few weeks/months has done something heinous, and we've judged.
Why was this man around her kid? How could she put her needs before her kids?
Even threads on here have been scathing of women who have a new partner & have introduced them 'too quickly ' in somebodies opinion.

Yet here we are, with so many women telling this mum she's over reacting.
Im not sure you are @Duiwjankdjen16382
It wasn't your mothers place to hand your son over to a cousin he didn't know when there were other options.

I can’t believe some people’s mentality on this.

These paedos are ‘weirdos hiding in plain sight within family units’, they are usually the charming ones - could charm the birds from the trees, and successfully pull the wool over everyone’s eyes. They are usually the most helpful, nothing is too much trouble. The kids adore them (usually their favourite person as they’re soooo fun), until they don’t. They’re able to groom the whole family. It’s not usually the loner down the road at number 36.

I got that as well obviously, I was just asking OP if there was anything specific that made her so upset.

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn’t be thrilled either, but if there was nothing in the immediate aftermath to make OP suspicious, I’d just tell the grandmother to never do it again and leave it at that.

Wrong post

You’re not over reacting, I don’t understand why your Mum just didn’t take him to the toilet in the ladies, he’s 3 years old so no one would have batted an eyelid to see a little boy in the ladies.
Saying it’s a family member is a weird excuse, your son had never met him before and I doubt you have a close enough relationship to know him well if he’s your Mum’s cousin…
In this case the relationship between him and you is irrelevant, he’s little more than an acquaintance and I wouldn’t let an acquaintance have access to my small child alone.
My Mothers childhood friend was staying at her house on holiday after losing his wife, seemed liked a nice enough bloke and my Mum’s known him for 65 years.
I told her my children wouldn’t be having their usual sleepover at hers the 2 weeks he was there and she said that I was being neurotic…. I replied I didn’t know the man at all apart from to say hello to and that was the end of it….

I’ve just read the first 100 post saying you are over reacting as it’s a family member, most abuse is perpetrated by family members or close friends, not “the weirdo down the road’.

Your very young son was put in a situation of potentially being alone with an adult in a state of nakedness, it was an uneccesary situation, your mum should have taken him or quickly returned him to you, I would not be happy either.

OP clearly said she was annoyed because she wasn't asking permission if it was okay for the cousin to take him to the toilet. She wants family members to have permission from her to take her child to the toilet. For all we know she might have reacted the same way with any family member (including her mum) unless she had given permission.

So would you expect the child to wet himself ?

What a shockingly naive and worryingly slack attitude! Wow. The vast, vast majority of CSA cases are committed by family members!

No I’d expect the grandmother who was watching him at that exact moment to take him to the toilet, instead of letting a total stranger to the child take him.

It really isn’t rocket science.

Your mum should have just taken him to toilet, at that age, nobody would bat an eyelid at a young child in the ladies loos