My mother let someone take my son to the toilet.

[Duiwjankdjen16382]

Please can i have your opinions. Recently myself and my son went to a large family meal for my Grandads birthday. I went to order food and left my 3 year old son with my mum (his nan) when I came back to the table I asked my mum where my son was. She said he needed the toilet so her male cousin took him. This is the first time that my son has met him as he lives quite far away. I was upset as to my son it was a stranger and wasn't asked my permission. My mums cousin I know, I've been to his family Get together with his wife, children and grand children over the years. But it just didn't sit right with me. My son was gone 2 mins and didny seem phased by it. My husband when I told him was also not happy. We spoke to my mum but she didn't see a problem. Am i over reacting?

I find it hard to understand how people are not getting this. No one is saying that the cousin is an abuser, but highlighting that abuse happens more often than we would like. We shouldn’t be teaching 3 year olds that it’s ok to go to the toilet with someone they barely know.

I also think it’s worth highlighting that if your attitude is ‘it’s family so they can’t be an abuser’ how would that feel as a young person wanting to disclose something to you. Is there any point in them telling you if your default thinking is that it couldn’t happen because they’re known/ liked etc.

Are you being serious here? Surely if you’re a parent you know that you can’t eliminate all risk but you can do your best to reduce risks?

You’re basically saying anyone can be a child abuser so let’s not try and reduce the risk of our children being abused because if you can’t eliminate the risk to 0% there’s no point?

I wouldn't be happy with this scenario but mainly to ensure that she understands that when your son is in her care then she is fully responsible. Eg if you leave your son with her for the afternoon it means she can't pop out for some shopping while the neighbour watches him etc.

I was being sarcastic but obviously lost on you. Of course no one can ever be 100% sure about anything. Life is about calculated risks all the time.

In OPs situation, I think overall it's an over reaction but I would just reinforce to Nan that she is fully responsible when caring for her grandson and in the future and not to do that again. Mainly so that translates to other situations that may occur like baby sitting or any overnight stays at grandparents home etc.

This is a very naive response.

I would have and did trust my own Mother's judgement.

I get the sarcasm, but wasn’t your point that because you can’t be sure who is a paedophile
in the family anyone can take them to the toilet, even those statistically being more likely to be an abuser? Or did I miss the point?

The odds of being abused as a child is not low, you can’t eliminate the risk but you can reduce it.

your Mother asked a family member to take him to the toilet - overreacting IMO

It was a random stranger to her son. The child had never met this man before.

Yes, you are completely overreacting.

I would be concerned they were back so quickly that he hadn't washed his hands.

Depends do you think your uncle is a perv?

He's your mum's cousin and has children and grand children that you have met. He knows about young children the only concern might be your son wouldn't want to go with him, but he was fine about it. Surely you would trust your mum's judgement, she has known this man all her life, and it seems you wouldn't have minded if your son had met him more often.

You aren't over reacting, close family member doesn't mean anything especially if your child doesn't know this person then he is essentially a stranger to your child. At the age of 3 most still need help with going to the toilet so his grandparent should have took him.

It’s not “someone”, it’s a family member. However as he’s so young why didn’t your mum take him into the female toilets? I don’t think you’re over reacting.

You are not over reacting but this specific incident doesn’t seem to have been a problem. I have had contact via voluntary work with people who were SA as children. It is actually just this kind of familial contact that is likely to be an issue in fact far more than a stranger. About 1 in 20 children are sexually abused and 80% know their abusers as do their families. The true stats are not known as almost none are ever discovered or reported. I guarantee if you haven’t been abused people you meet have. The nice Mum at the school gate, a colleague you worked with a few years ago, someone you shared a drink with at the wedding of a friend. It’s the most awful underbelly of society, the unthinkable and most on this thread unless it’s happens to them or they know someone who has talked about it and the vast majority don’t talk about it want to be in denial. For anyone who has found this thread upsetting this charity is excellent. A lot of people with enduring MH issues will have been abused as children.

https://napac.org.uk

You just need to look at the threads where there has been a reveal there has been SA within a family and the entire family closes ranks on the abused person. Denial is why childhood SA can flourish.

even Barry the weird loner is a family member of someone.

Paedophiles don't have neon lights on their heads. They are ALL someone's loved family member / son / father / brother / cousin.

Not an overreaction.

What an overreaction. If a male family member offered to take my son to the toilets, I wouldn’t bat en eyelid. I wouldn’t be in their company if I thought they were a risk to my child.

Your mum showed very poor judgment. YANBU.

Posters on Mumsnet who haven't experienced child sexual abuse and whose children have not been sexually abused (to their knowledge) are frequently utterly oblivious to the risk of CSA and somehow imagine that it hardly ever happens. They are woefully ill-informed.

Completely overreaction

Do the people who are saying that they wouldn’t have been in his presence if they thought he was a paedophile think that the parents of abused children just happily leave their kids with paedophiles, or thar possibly they didn’t show any obvious signs/ were good groomers (including grooming parents too).

Your mother showed poor judgement and you should say you want him to take him herself if he cant wait. However since he was gone 2 minutes it seems extremely unlikely that the cousin is a sex pest, more likely that cousin is not too fussed about hand washing.

I didn't say anything about his age making him safe. PP was pondering if he was probably older because if he was in his 20's he should have known better.

I’m sorry but how do you know a family member isn’t a risk to your child? Sexual abuse within the family unit is way more common than you think (I work in a school). It is up to you whether you wouldn’t bat an eyelid. But you can’t assume they are of no risk to your child because they are family.