My mother let someone take my son to the toilet.

[Duiwjankdjen16382]

Please can i have your opinions. Recently myself and my son went to a large family meal for my Grandads birthday. I went to order food and left my 3 year old son with my mum (his nan) when I came back to the table I asked my mum where my son was. She said he needed the toilet so her male cousin took him. This is the first time that my son has met him as he lives quite far away. I was upset as to my son it was a stranger and wasn't asked my permission. My mums cousin I know, I've been to his family Get together with his wife, children and grand children over the years. But it just didn't sit right with me. My son was gone 2 mins and didny seem phased by it. My husband when I told him was also not happy. We spoke to my mum but she didn't see a problem. Am i over reacting?

I'd be fuming "he was a member of your family" "you know him"

Yeah becuase the least likely person to abuse a child is a relative or someone known to the parents... right?

If nan couldn't be bothered to help her grandson go to the toilet she should have got their mum.

You know not to leave him in her care becuase her judgment isnt in line with yours. End of.

Family members sometimes abuse kids too not matter how nice they might seem or how well you know them.
Your mum could have got off her backside and taken him to the ladies. It's not exactly difficult.

Apologies. I thought it was obvious what was bothering the OP. The fact this whole thread is about CSA would indicate that everyone else understood that as well.

Not overreacting at all. This was the Ops mum’s cousin who the 3 year old had never met before. He is a distant relative. Abuse is not confined to strangers or ‘weird uncles’ and a 3 year old is still young to articulate if they felt uncomfortable or advocate for themselves.

While neither me nor the OP is in anyway suggesting the relative had ill intent the fact is we cannot always know and her Mum should not have given the ok for someone to help with a young child’s intimate care particularly without notifying the parents and not when at 3 she could easily have taken him to the ladies loo herself.

"Stranger" in the sense that it was the first time the CHILD had met him, yes, but clearly not a stranger to the rest of the family group, some of whom will have known him all his/their lives. It will have been clear to the CHILD that he was an accepted and trusted family member.

The kid is 3 ffs, his gran should have taken him to the ladies loo.

Yeh I think this is fine.

Wonder how many people feel they can’t disclose CSA to their family because family members cannot comprehend that a loved and trusted family member ended up being a paedophile.

This man is almost certainly fine, but just because no one has mentioned any issues about him doesn’t mean that he is not a danger. Abusers often groom and manipulate others so they get access to children. For the obvious reason that if they acted odd and pervy they wouldn’t get access to kids. It’s how teachers, sports coaches etc also get access to abuse.

It’s a hard reality but the reason approx 7-9% of children are sexually abused is because people we don’t suspect will abuse them. If we knew who was an abuser then no parents would let them have access.

This is fucking wild.

You genuinely think a 3 year old will be able to tell his grandma’s cousin, who he has never met before in his very short life, is a “trusted” person? What an absolutely outrageous thing to say.

We should not be teaching our children it’s acceptable to be accompanied to the toilet by a stranger to them.

It's not great, you mum should've found you or dad ideally and hope she will if this happens again. But as your son seemed fine and back so quick, I wouldn't dwell.

Not over-reacting. I would have been livid.

Context needed here. How independent is your son going to the toilet? Does he need help with his clothes/wiping/supervised? If not, then a male cousin taking him to the toilet, that you know/trust and so does your Mum, is fine. If your son isn't overly independent, then no, the tasks of wiping/supervising/helping with clothes shouldn't have been given to your cousin.

Your son wasn't in the least bit bothered either. If he'd been visually upset, that your cousin had taken him to the toilet, and it wasn't his Nan or you, then that would have been different too.

No one ‘thinks’ their family members are child molesters until it happens, and then they ‘know’ they are. In fact, until someone allows an unusual situation to occur, OPs DM on this occasion, the thought of potential risk never usually crosses anyone’s mind.

@Duiwjankdjen16382 your DM is in the wrong here.

So what, we are just never supposed to let male family members take our kids to the toilet?

Why is that so difficult to understand?

Exactly that! Top priority is to always keep your child safe.

Because it’s overkill.

I have a brother. He lives other end of the country to me so we don’t get to see eachother that often. But I trust him completely so yes i let him look after his niece and nephew. It’s also about using judgement.

Over reacting - your mother knew him. You knew him. I can't see the problem.

Sorry i don’t buy this.

I would see my kids as safer with my trusted family members than with strangers in childcare settings for example.

I think 3 is a bit young tbh, and his grandmother should have taken him. Fine to let a friend or family member take a child who can go completely independently and unlikely to need any personal care, but a lot of 3yos would need some help.

Though this does remind me when I was at a party of 6yos a while back. The parents had said we were welcome to drop/stay and I stayed since it was in a somewhat chaotic, public venue and they seemed a bit overwhelmed. I was glad I had stayed since all the girls ended up coming to me when they needed the loo, and I took them, and I asked one of the dads who also stayed to take my DS to the loo with his own son when he needed it. The party parents had enough to do but the venue was busy enough that I would not have been happy with any of the children going by themselves without someone watching out for them.

Ooh, I’m fucking wild and absolutely outrageous, me!

Shouldn't of happened but it did. You've spoken to your mum, she won't do it again I assume. So you now need to let it go. Does seem nothing untoward happened.

Over reaction

Agree, most abusers are somebody's family member.