My mother let someone take my son to the toilet.

[Duiwjankdjen16382]

Please can i have your opinions. Recently myself and my son went to a large family meal for my Grandads birthday. I went to order food and left my 3 year old son with my mum (his nan) when I came back to the table I asked my mum where my son was. She said he needed the toilet so her male cousin took him. This is the first time that my son has met him as he lives quite far away. I was upset as to my son it was a stranger and wasn't asked my permission. My mums cousin I know, I've been to his family Get together with his wife, children and grand children over the years. But it just didn't sit right with me. My son was gone 2 mins and didny seem phased by it. My husband when I told him was also not happy. We spoke to my mum but she didn't see a problem. Am i over reacting?

Shocked by the amount of people saying this is ok. It isn't.
You shiuld not teach your kids it's OK for strangers to take them to the toilet or be in private situations with them. It was also stupid and ignorant of your mums cousin to offer to take him. You should not put yourself in that position ever or a child in that position.

Don’t forget a lot of people on this site in particular will say you’re overreacting because they can’t stand the thought of “a male” in the women’s toilets and therefore wouldn’t suggest that your mother simply takes him to the ladies which would’ve been the obvious and sensible thing to do. You are not being unreasonable. this person is a stranger to you, it doesn’t matter whether you’re related to him or not. however, it is probably just a generational thing, I can also see how she would not have considered it unreasonable. Just have a conversation about it.

Or, rather than being oblivious, they understand how to contextualise actual risk. The vast majority of abuse is perpetrated by family members, that is absolutely true. The vast majority does not happen during a 2 minute trip to the toilet in a restaurant by a distant relative who doesn’t have regular access to a child. That’s not to say doing so is 100% safe, but it isn’t 100% unsafe either.

Where familial abuse takes place, most often it is reported that the family was aware, or suspected something but kept quiet. Nan wasn’t likely to suggest that Cousin Joe, rumoured to be the family paedo takes her grandson to the toilet.

Massive over reaction. When I read your title I thought it was going to be a random man she met going into the toilet not a cousin!

You don't protect children by trying to determine who's a pervert and who isn't.

You protect them by limiting who has risky contact with your child . And taking a 3 year old to the toilet is intimate personal contact and therefore a high risk situation.

A child should not be taught that he should be ok taking his trousers and pants off in front of people other than a very small number of known care givers.

Sadly you can never protect 100% but you sure as hell can reduce the risk and teach your child about protecting their privacy!

So using this logic should we never leave our child with anyone except Mum and Dad? How do we know grandparents are safe? What about aunts and uncles? Nursery workers? Teachers?

The risk is not simply about this individual. Its about the dm inadvertently teaching the child that it's ok to undress and expose himself in front of a stranger! Perhaps the cousin helped undo his trousers etc.? Doing so even innocently gives a really dangerous message to that child.
I'm baffled that people don't see the implications beyond this individual and event itself

YANBU in the slightest.

The man wasn't a stranger to you, but he was a stranger to your son - it's definitely not a good message to send your child that it's okay to go off with strangers, especially to do something private like go to the toilet.

I would have been furious with my mum about this too.

People are saying ‘it’s fine, it’s a family member’ as if no family members have ever abused a child before.

This from NerrSnerr is spot on.

What nonsense! I've never heard anyone complain about a male toddler in a female space. Where have you seen this on MN?

What an odd response 🤣

I think it’s pretty obvious the OP had no idea her son needed the toilet at the exact moment she was ordering her “factory made” food at the bar.

Any sane parent wouldn’t want their young child going to the toilet with an adult who is a stranger to said child. Family or not.

But yes, this is Mumsnet, full of complete hysterical and aggressive people who love to tell women they’re being “over the top”.

This was a random man to a very young child!

Yes he is the cousin of the OP’s mum, but if you actually read the OP she states her 3 year old had never met this man before.

Absolutely baffling how so many parents think it’s acceptable for a 3 year old to go off with a stranger to them.

Yes, you are overreacting. If you have the mindset that every man, even a family member you have known for many years and have no reason to be suspicious of, is likely to be a danger to your child, I feel sorry for you. Of course be cautious and bring your children up to be cautious, but whatever happened to "it takes a village"?

I'm presuming he was trying to be helpful. As others say, if you think this cousin is a danger to children or has sexual attraction towards them why are you meeting with him at all?

Have you any reason to believe the cousin would do something untoward to your son?! Other than the fact he's male.

What nonsense. I have never seen anyone on this site or anywhere else objecting to a 3-year-old boy in the women's toilets. You are making yourself look ridiculous.

That's not ok. He is a stranger to your son.
Why couldn't you mum have taken him?

I don't think you are overeacting at all. You left your son in your mum's care for a few moments. I wouldn't expect her to send him off to the toilet with a man he doesn't know.
The only thing in her defence is that I assume she knows this man well herself and would not have done it if she thought there was a risk. It doesn't excuse it for me as I think she shows poor judgement. He's 3, she could have taken him herself to the ladies and had the man keep the table. A much better solution.
Generally, people need to understand that the majority of child abuse happens with people you know. They put themselves in positions with access to children. Unless you know someone well it's not wise to be letting them take your children off alone anywhere including the toilet.

Do you think it’s a good message for a 3 year old for someone to allow a man he has never met take him to the toilet?

Yeah this. And where is the male in the women's toilets in this situation? The cousin and kid were both male and went to then mens?! Nobody would ever care if a three yo boy was in the women's though.

I know people who have been abused by close (living in their house) relatives, I know some who have been abused by visiting more distant relatives as a one-off (I’m one of them). To people saying ‘if you think someone is a risk why associate with them’, do you think that happened because parents let known abusers near their children? Safeguarding is putting things in place that effectively assume anyone is a risk yes, and one of those safeguards would be a rule that only trusted adults (as defined by you) can take your child to the toilet.

No one can be guaranteed as 100% safe that’s true, but if you really think your mother - who you know better then anyone, and who brought you up without abusing you - poses the same risk level as a male cousin you see at family gatherings over the years, you have very poor judgement.

This was not a complete stranger off the street, it was a member of a family group and was approved by the child's grandma.

Given that I found out my cousin was a peadofile who has thousands of images of small boys I certainly wouldn't be allowing anyone else to take him to the loo. This is a cousin I grew up with and was very close. Certainly not a 'barry loner' as someone said.

Why are you replying on OP’s behalf?

It was a complete stranger to the 3 year old CHILD.

It was a stranger to him. We know family members can and do abuse children and it’s a significant number (and that’s what we know about). Surely we should be trying to reduce the risk of it happening?