My mother let someone take my son to the toilet.

[Duiwjankdjen16382]

Please can i have your opinions. Recently myself and my son went to a large family meal for my Grandads birthday. I went to order food and left my 3 year old son with my mum (his nan) when I came back to the table I asked my mum where my son was. She said he needed the toilet so her male cousin took him. This is the first time that my son has met him as he lives quite far away. I was upset as to my son it was a stranger and wasn't asked my permission. My mums cousin I know, I've been to his family Get together with his wife, children and grand children over the years. But it just didn't sit right with me. My son was gone 2 mins and didny seem phased by it. My husband when I told him was also not happy. We spoke to my mum but she didn't see a problem. Am i over reacting?

You are NOT over reacting. Why couldn’t she do it herself? Or bring him to you? More than likely he’s a good bloke. But most good blokes would be like, uh, this is a bit odd because I don’t know this child. Even I, as a woman, would bulk at being asked to take a random child I don’t know to the toilet. An 8 year old, yes, okay fine because they can toilet independently. A 3 year old is very recently toilet trained and needs assistance.

I thought yesterday we were all freaking out at the suggestion of trained, vetted DBS checked male nursery workers assisting children with toileting? But it’s okay for randoms we don’t know?

One thing we need to get away from is the idea that just because someone is family it makes them safe. The statistics do not bare that out at all. Most sexual abuse of children (1 in 5 children are sexually abused) is not by male nursery workers. It’s not by your trans neighbour who might want to use the gender neutral toilet after you. It’s by trusted family members.

I have two family members who are convicted of child sexual abuse. Who knows how many others there might be. These are simply the ones who were reported, arrested, went to trial and were convicted. These people had close contact with my children in exactly these situations. Older female relatives who knew about their past, but thought, oh hey, I’m sure they won’t do it again. Or I’m sure they wouldn’t do it to MY grandchildren because I’ve been so kind and helpful to them after prison. This is how people drop their guard. Or categorise people into safe and unsafe boxes: safe because granny knows Bob well and thinks he’s a nice bloke, unsafe because that man has purple hair and is a stranger.

Now more than likely in this situation your ds was fine. Granny’s cousin probably thought it was weird, but was too polite to say anything and wanted to be helpful. I’d be having a stern word though because it wouldn’t be happening again.

It’s really odd that your mum thought it was ok to send her GC to the toilet with a man he didn’t know. Why wouldn't she just take him herself as she was the one left supervising him. Does she usually lack good judgement?

Your mum should have taken him. It is completely inappropriate.

Yes right, because potential abusers are easily identified weirdos? What planet do you live on, ffs?

I would be uncomfortable with that too OP. It's all part of the bigger process of teaching children to keep themselves safe. 3 is very young, and I wouldn't want to 'normalise' personal care being undertaken by a person not known to him.

It is. OP can definitely tell her mum what was wrong and what she expects in future or not let her mum watch anymore, but if we let people help, chances are at some point they'll do something we'd rather they didn't, however much we try to cover all bases and they try their best to follow that. That's the trade off to not doing everything yourself.

Not the plane where I wouldn't let a male relative, even one I was not all that close to, take my kid to the loo in a restaurant.

What a time to be alive...

People don’t understand how common child abuse is it would seem, and how it mainly happens in families. You are not overreacting. You don’t need to know someone is a definite risk or even suspect it to not take the risk with your child.

The idea of ‘the village’ in no way includes a male stranger being allowed to take a three year who has never met him to the loo. That is just dangerously shit judgement on the part of the OP’s mother.

That is a stunningly naive statement and an explanation why such a proportion of child abuse goes unreported and seemingly unnoticed.

The is a very real possibility that any adult will do harm to a child: chances increase for males. Why teach your child it’s okay to go to the toilet with someone who is, to him, a stranger. Thats the first issue.

the second issue is why risk your child being in the toilet alone with a distant relative you don’t really know well. So many stories of this turning sinister. The risk is there - why take it? It’s so unnecessary.

It's odd to say that the cousin might not abuse the child just because the cousin is a family member when the OP's mother is also a family member, so the same principle applies

No. The OP should have taken him. Why didn't she take him to the toilet on arrival, or ask him whether he needed to go before she wandered off to order food? If you want someone else to do your work for you, you need to accept that their judgement and perspective may sometimes differ from your own.

By all means, explain why something makes you uncomfortable but don't expect someone else to automatically do things exactly as you would.

Do you think your son was in danger?

Yes. The man who raped me when I was ten was in his sixties. And I was sent into the circumstances in which it happened by two ‘responsible’ women in their fifties.

Over-reaction unless there is reason to be suspicious of the cousin being a predator/groomer/abuser.

Also presuming your son is capable and needs minimum assistance in the toilet?

Do you understand how common child abuse is?

it’s attitudes like yours that allow people to get away with it. Don’t offend people by safeguarding children! You are being paranoid if you think everyone is a potential child abuser. Yet in the UK 1 in 20 children experience sexual abuses. Thats more than one child in every primary school class.

parents need to be vigilant, paranoid, careful. Because it is so common.

people on this thread think they are being realistic by mocking OP / unfortunatarly they aren’t. They are completely unaware of what can happen in five minutes. Why risk it?

I think over reaction overall but maybe depends on who asked who.

Not sure why your mum couldn't take him to the ladies toilet given he is only 3 years old.

Jeez what if she's the pedophile. Its rare, but does happen ( see Vanessa George). Can never be 100% sure can we. Safeguarding and all that.

It's not about suspecting this specific individual of being an immediate threat. It's about teaching your child about keeping themselves safe growing up and that its ok to have boundaries.

Exactly. This thread shows many people need to educate themselves.
I am one of the 1 in 20. It was my father, started when I was less than 4yrs old. 'lovely man' apparently.

Also let's not forget that the OP and the child's father are also family members, then by that principle, I guess the same applies!

A child is most likely to be abused in their family home by their own parents.

I wouldn’t be bothered by this if it was a relative I knew.

ick

Your mum was looking after him so she should have taken him or found you. The cousin was probably just a kind helper 🤷‍♀️ but put himself at risk of suspicion if so, sadly.

It’s not about trust or distrust of the cousin though it is about risk management for all concerned and preventing suspicion and distrust of the helper and as well as preventing potential harm to the child. If there had been any issue or upset at all around that time then there would potentially be doubt over the cousin which would be upsetting for all and you would never know what had really happened. Such situations destroy relationships and lives and therefore avoidance is key.

People saying why do you meet the cousin at all are being obtuse and forgetting that risk assessment is contextual and is very relevant.

Of course people are abused by their very close family members. We know it happens and it’s awful. People are also abused by opportunistic people who don’t see them very often.

Just because people may be abused at home doesn’t mean that we should just open up the risk so that it’s a free for all for anyone to do anything.

Statistically the cousin is more likely to be an abuser than the grandmother.

Well, based on the principle that all men are rapists/paedophiles/abusers until proven otherwise, then you are not BU.
But since most people have a more balanced view of life then you definitely are BU.

Yes she could be the pedophile and you can't be 100% sure about anyone. That includes nursery, school, and parents themselves. So basically the child shouldn't be left with absolutely anyone at all.