Who should share a room in our blended family home?

[Lost4Madness]

My husband and I have a 4 year old daughter. He has a DD 18years old and DS 16 years old who come to stay 5 days out of 15 (although sometimes less, depending whether they make other plans to go out and remain at their mothers). We’re about to buy our first home and I’m not sure on sleeping arrangements. My husband is adament his eldest DD is to have her own room…but I’m not sure who our DD should share with. Any advice?
PS there’s no other room to use as ‘bedroom’ except a sofa bed in living room.

The 16yo boy shouldn't be put in the position of having to share with a sister either - it's a risk for him being accused of something he didn't do.

There is no way on earth a 4 year old girl should be sharing a bedroom with a 16 year old boy. What planet is your DH on?!?

It’s not just the husband , it is the current set up so obviously condoned by the OP . Absolute madness .

Bring DD in with you for now, and if/when that stops working you & DH might need to decamp to the living room for a while. It wouldn't be forever.

If you get to that point, consider installing a proper bed eg Murphy bed, or at least using something fully flat & supportive like a futon, rather than a sofabed.

This can’t be real.

OP, do you know what safeguarding is??? I’d sooner take DD in with me in the double room and send DH to go and share with DSS, rather than this arrangement. I’m scared to query how long this set-up has been in place.

Your hubby is absolutely right nobody can share at those ages

I thought that once one of the kids was over 7 they couldn't share with different sex sibling even. I think your DSS and DD sharing isn't right. I know it is hard. I would try find different solutions

Yes this seems the most sensible suggestion.

Otherwise your DD comes into your bed with you and your DH sleep on the couch for 5 nights every fortnight.

Your DSD will probably come over much more rarely once she’s through school.

DD4 needs her own permanent space, it's her only home!

The older two come separately as much as practical, and have the 'guest room' (box) when they do. If they come together you vacate and sleep on the sofa bed. You are the adults, you put the kids first. It won't be for long. DD18 will transition to visiting like an adult pretty soon.

Is there ANY other space option? Conservatory? Summerhouse? Cupboard under the stairs (joke). You really can't expect this to work, and I would be holding out and looking for a property with a workable option, even if that means waiting another year. The market stinks and you might even end up better off.

DD4 sharing with DS16 is unacceptable, so take it off the table. If your DH can announce that various options are categorically ruled out, so can you. The best solution here if there's absolutely no way to manage 4BRs is probably that DS gets the smallest room to himself and DD18 gets one of the larger ones but DD4 uses it when DD18 is not there, otherwise DD4 goes in with you or on the couch. Figure out where there's space to store DD4's things - and DS's if the box room is too small - so they're not taking up space in your room if it feels too small for 3.

What are you going to do if neither of your stepchildren moves out when they're out of school and working/at uni? What if something happens to their mother and they have to move in with their dad full time?

Are you a competent adult OP? Because you genuinely sound like you need professional help

Also, the insistence that DD has her own room is...a bit odd. No one likes to think of sexual assault in families but it obviously happens. I AM NOT SAYING that this is the case. Just that it should be noted as a small thing which could possibly be a piece of a bigger puzzle. If anything else has ever made you wonder, wonder a bit more. If it's a total outlier, file it for future reference. That's all. (It's not the arrangement, but the insistence that makes me wonder)

Your H needs to fuck off with his 'no compromise' and 'not budging.'

He sounds insufferable. Take the good advice in this thread, OP.

Why is your DSS sharing with your DD? That’s completely inappropriate and should be stopped ASAP. DD and DSD should share in the meantime. Why is he so adamant DSD should get her own room?

Good post.

I'd put the boy in bedroom 3
Youngest in bedroom 2
Bedroom 1 is yours, unless DSD is staying and you have a sofa bed in the living room.

DSD isn't likely to keep staying much longer, so it makes sense that she shares with you. Rather than the 4yo who lives there permanently.

4 year old sleeps with you.

Oh my gosh, like Whitney in EastEnders when Tony insisted she needed her own room away from her younger half sister and for a lock on the door.

DD4 lives there full time. Her needs take priority, and she absolutely shouldn’t be sharing with her 16yo half brother. Can you divide the larger room using Kallax units or similar so his kids have some privacy while your little one has the box room?

Of course they can.
It's just a rule for council housing etc.

Their mum might not be in agreement with that arrangement.

OP why does your husband think he gets to lay down the law?
If you were picking what would you choose to do?

You said your stepdaughter is planning on getting a full time job, is she planning on moving out or staying at home and continuing this arrangement? What if she doesn't move away? Does your DH think the room should continue to be hers when she's 20/21? and does he then think your youngest should be sharing with your stepson when he's 18/19? or even older?

Sorry but this is ridiculous, marriage and life is all about compromise and making decisions together. I really would be rethinking whether I wanted to sign up to a new home with a man with such a terrible attitude. He does not get to dictate and demand. How on earth has this situation come to pass? The girls share and the boy has the box room. That really is the only sensible solution unless you rent what you need, which is a 4 bed.

Why would the mum need to be in agreement?
It’s not her house so she doesn’t get to have an opinion on the layout of it.
The eldest ‘child’ is now an adult and regardless of where she lives, she’s responsible for deciding how often and when she visits another place.
The mum and dad presumably have a custody agreement in place that applies to the 16 year old but that can remain in place with the solution I suggested.

The mum might not be in agreement that they go at different times, nothing to do with the layout of the house.

Whether she's an adult legally or not she might still consider her mothers wishes. You say she's responsible for deciding how often and when she visits another place, perhaps she will decide she wants to keep visiting at the same time as her brother and like the current arrangement. Maybe she'll decide she wants to live with the OP and her dad permanently if it's up to her to decide.