Who should share a room in our blended family home?

[Lost4Madness]

My husband and I have a 4 year old daughter. He has a DD 18years old and DS 16 years old who come to stay 5 days out of 15 (although sometimes less, depending whether they make other plans to go out and remain at their mothers). We’re about to buy our first home and I’m not sure on sleeping arrangements. My husband is adament his eldest DD is to have her own room…but I’m not sure who our DD should share with. Any advice?
PS there’s no other room to use as ‘bedroom’ except a sofa bed in living room.

If they split, he and his DC will not be OP’s problem at all.

We need the OP to feed us the rest of the drips so we have the whole picture here, she is being very frugal with the facts.

The youngest child is theirs, the older children are her half siblings.
She will still be spending time at her Dads house with her siblings 16 yo brother and 18 yo sister.

So splitting solves nothing. And just creates a zillion more issues

We have plenty info.
They blended 2 family's 2 kids each.
Then had a 5th child.

Ops two children died, I'll guess road accident or fire.
They moved from where they lived.

And now renting temporary until they find somewhere new.

For whatever reason they can no longer afford a 4bed.
Who knows why, more expensive area maybe. Maybe Ops too traumatised to work.

Ultimately they can afford a 3bed for the 5 of them. Not ideal but we don't live in an ideal world.

Now, maybe, but he must have had a rationale for it, when she was too young to be given the option.

If they split, she would have grounds to refuse overnights, on the basis that DD sharing a room with DSS is not appropriate. DH would need to find an alternative solution, at that point.

Aye thats helpful to a grieving 4yo who has just lost 2 siblings.
And the stress of courts could push the poor beyond the limit.

@Lost4Madness could you share the floorplan of the house? If it has measurements people could perhaps make suggestions for dividing it that you haven't considered?

Thats what I was asking for earlier, but no response

Poor what? And yes, protecting a child is ALWAYS "helpful"

Poor Op, fairly obvious typo

I'm stepping away from this thread. It really can't be helpful to someone who's just lost 2 of her children to have people suggesting she rips the rest of her life and family apart.

I sincerely hope her and DH manage to find a solution within the constraints that they have, location and finances.
She needs peace not more heartache.

Her and her CHILD need to be acknowledged and made a priority, not sidelined.

The talk of splitting doesn’t sit well with me either, it doesn’t solve anything - DD would presumably have time with her dad and his two children, so the problem still exists.

I’m guessing they will, because it could potentially mean their shared four year old doesn’t get to see her dad on a regular basis. She doesn’t seem much of a priority to him now - she’ll be the casualty if they split because he’ll prioritise the older two of his own. I get the feeling there’s more to this than meets the eye.

It’s also not what OP said. From an update: we are private tenants recently had to vacate from a 4bed into current 3 bed we’ve been in for about 3 months now. Luckily, DSS stays up downstairs and mainly sleeps on sofa until DD4 wakes and send him upstairs to his nominated (top bunk) - that, or he sleeps with DH and I crash with DD4 in her bed.

And splitting because you can’t make the sleeping arrangements work is anything but making her a priority. She’s already lost two siblings. Splitting up the rest of the family is only going to add to the damage. A compromise is DSD and DD sharing the bigger room, which will be DD’s the rest of the time, and DSS having the box room. Dad is going to have to get his priorities right and have a bit more empathy.

The problem is the DH will not compromise. He is adamant.

How anyone can think buying a house with such a man is viable is beyond me.

Its papering over the cracks.

You really should read the full thread, or at least OP’s updates if you’re going to comment like this. The circumstances were different when they had DD4 - a four bedroom rented house, five children and all had completely appropriate sleeping arrangements. They lost two of their children and had to take a smaller property as an emergency. That sounds like a house fire. There is no ‘strange choice’ here, just a tragic life event nobody could foresee.

Agree, but who knows how losing two children has affected him. It could be rooted in grief or a misplaced sense of responsibility. There are no easy answers are there ?

I agree there are no easy answers. I am quite risk averse, I would not buy a house with such a man. Maybe they need counselling.

Spot on l think.

I thought the same to be honest. OP doesn’t mention whether they have had any therapy but losing children, and in tragic circumstances, throws up so much grief and so many complex issues affecting parents and remaining children alike. Maybe this is something that could be sorted out with some professional help. Trying to move forward and rebuild their lives must be so difficult in these circumstances

I actually think a lot of therapy is what's needed here. I assume DH wants DSD to have her own room as previously dd1&2 shared and having DD2 with DSD will bring it home for everyone that DD1 isnt around anymore.

Something like that.
DSD was in her own room
DS & DSS shared
DD1 & DD2 shared

The Ops DS and DD1 both passed away.
None of us can imagine how Op is coping with the loss of two of her darling children. Her heart must be in bits.

Therapy can only do so much, but yes probably is required for the whole family.

But the end point is the same 5 of them. All with different levels of trauma.
With the money for a 3 bed house.

Sadly, I don't think the OP will be coming back to the thread. It all sounds like a very tragic situation and I hope they find a solution that works for their family.