Who should share a room in our blended family home?

[Lost4Madness]

My husband and I have a 4 year old daughter. He has a DD 18years old and DS 16 years old who come to stay 5 days out of 15 (although sometimes less, depending whether they make other plans to go out and remain at their mothers). We’re about to buy our first home and I’m not sure on sleeping arrangements. My husband is adament his eldest DD is to have her own room…but I’m not sure who our DD should share with. Any advice?
PS there’s no other room to use as ‘bedroom’ except a sofa bed in living room.

I posted a solution previously. You could RTFT.

DD4 absolutely should have her own room as its her only home.

One of the step kids gets the other room.

The other takes the parents room during their visit (perhaps using a double/ single bunk bed so they at least have their own beds) and parents take a sofa bed downstairs.

Kicking the 4 year old out of her room every few days is destabilising and will lead to resentment and upset. Making one of the step kids crash on the sofa will likely lead to them coming less to the detriment of their relationship with their dad and half sibling, and lead to resentment if their sibling has a room of their own.

Yes that's a bit rubbish for the parents, but it's not the kids fault. Kids should come first - it won't be for ever. OP is responsible for the step kids since she chose to have a relationship with their father. Providing a home for them is not the 'optional extra' you seem to think it is.

You expect me to remember your post from hundreds? Are you for real?

Why should OP have to give up her room so DSC can have two bedrooms?

That’s bonkers.

My stepdaughter was with us every other weekend and she shared a bunk bed with her half sister who is 11 years younger and her half brother was also in the same room. I also have 2 x older boys but they had to have their own rooms as my eldest has ASD and was prone to violent outbursts. When my daughter was born it was originally my other son who shared with the little 2 but then we decided as my stepdaughter was here the least (the boys didn’t see their dad very often at all) it was more fair that my son got the other room. My stepdaughter still slept over til she was 18 and went to Uni and never complained. She would sit and watch TV with us once the little 2 were in bed. She was an only child at her mums though so was used to plenty of peace and quiet

The ages and sexes of the kids mean its not great for any of them to share.
The 18yo is likely to not want to visit if it means sharing with 4yo.
The boy needs his own room too.
Both the teens will be studying even if the girl gets a job I'd home she's doing some sort day release college as well as work.

The only semi sensible answer is for Op and DH to have a sofa bed downstairs. With one of the teens using their bed.

I initially thought it made more sense for the 18yo to have a room and Op/DH and boy to effectively share the other but it might make more sense to give the 4 yo and 16yo rooms and share with the 18yo.

Op I'm hoping you can make this work. Talk to the 18yo see what she really thinks.

Why does DD4 have to come in with you when DSD visits?

Your DH sounds like a bully.

I would not buy a home and pay half the mortgage where I was being shunted off to the dining room every few days.

I don’t think OP should move in with him at all, but if she does, the DH and DSS can share a room or the DH can have a sofa bed downstairs.

OP is an equal member on the mortgage and should have her own room with her dd with her.

This thread has been an eye opener for me, all these people having far more children than they can house, blended or not. Just don’t get it, do they not think about what’s appropriate, safe, and actually nice for the DC involved?

What about having a small room like this in your back garden for your dsd

I don’t think OP should move in with him at all.

they already live together, in a three bedroom house, which they moved to after living in a 4 bedroom house.

I think it is a little late for your advice.

Ok, if you want to be pedantic, I don’t think OP should BUY a house with him.

It’s not too late to back out of that. Happy now?

It's not pedantic to point out you aren't working with the correct facts, maybe reading all of OPs posts is a good start.

But with regards your other statement, if she backs out they are all still living in a three bedroom house.. so what difference would backing out make?

At present the 4 year old DD is currently sharing with the 16 year DSS ..which is highly inappropriate, they need a solution to the three bedroom asap, whether they stay still or buy another house.

The fact is that if she did buy a house with him, she would be moving in with him again. The difference is that buying instead of renting makes it a more permanent situation. So it’s better if she doesn’t buy a house with him.

And I did notice the error, but I can’t edit posts and have posted a thread in Site Stuff and MNHQ said they are looking into it.

So maybe don’t assume you know the full situation next time, when you don’t.

I’m sure I’ve made some typos upthread, feel free to correct those too

Based on your DH's insistence, the easiest way would be DD should have the box room as her own.
DSS should have one of the beds in the twin room.
When DSD stays she can have DDs room, while DD comes in with you OP and your hubby the 2nd bed in DSS room.

You could get one of those zip lock beds in your room which splits into a twin bed when DD is in with you, so you don't disturb each other too much.

However, the most sensible option is to split the biggest bedroom into 2 separate halves and have the step kids have one each. You have the second biggest bedroom, with DD in the box room.. no musical beds that way, everyone has their own permanent space.

I've not assumed anything.

If they want the children to have more room it sounds like they need to move, finding a 4 bed (unaffordable apparently) or a 3 bed somewhere with a large enough master bedroom to split it in two would be the best option IMO as everyone would have their own private space.

I do agree they shouldn't buy a house that isn't suitable but as it stands they are in a rental with DD4 and DSS 16 sharing a bunk bed!.. It's not a reasonable or feasible solution at all.. it's awful and they certainly can't stay living like that.

You put your foot down and say under no circumstances is 4yr daughter sharing with 16 yr old brother.
I would give up bedroom and sleep in sitting room on a good bed settee couch and let 3 children have the bedrooms. You and dh could keep your clothing in 4yr olds bedroom. If either of you get fed up sleeping on bed settee couch, you could always go sleep in ds room when he is not there. Just make sure his room has a double size bed in it.
It won't be for ever having to sleep in sitting room unless older children decide they want to stay with yous full-time.

They already live together and have done for the last 5years.

Op is dealing with some heavy shit, splitting with her husband, is going to cause even more pain for all involved.

Ideally they'd buy a bigger house but thats not possible.
They need to make this work.

Could you and DH sleep on a sofa bed while the older 2 are there and use one of the bedrooms when they are not?

Sofa bed in the living room is exactly what me and my husband have done. No, it's not ideal but it works.

You don’t buy a house with someone when you can’t agree on such fundamental issues.

Her DH is not willing to compromise at all.

Telling OP to continue with the house purchase and enmesh herself financially with a man is terrible advice.

Are you saying she should divorce?
Do you not think she's been through enough without the added trauma and stress of divorce?

The Op probably doesn't know if shes on her head or feet.

No, I’m saying someone with trauma shouldn’t jump from the frying pan into the fire by buying a house and enmeshing herself financially with a man who refuses to compromise and is only concerned about his older children.

They are already married, emeshed and have been for 5 years

🤦🏻‍♀️

But they are not enmeshed with a house purchase yet.

Are you being deliberately obtuse?

You seem to think OP should just become resigned to her lot in life and further entangle herself because she’s already living with him.

No I'm thinking she's just lost two children. More trauma and stress is the last thing she needs.
Divorce will also mean her youngest having lots of time away from her. I don't think she could cope with that.

@nomas
And now that I think about it.
Her splitting from him would mean her DD has her own room in Ops house for half the week.
It doesn't solve the issue of the 3 kids when they are at their Dads, he might not even be able to afford a 3 bed on his own.