Childminder ending care suddenly for my sons, no clear reason given

[BePoliteRedUser]

Our childminder sent us the following message last night after caring for my son's since they were 6 months old.

'Hi Kate, I’m really sorry to have to send this message. Due to a change in my personal circumstances unfortunately I won’t be able to care for - and - anymore. Taking their notice period into account, their last day will be 18th April. I will send your final April invoice to reflect this date. - and E- have become part of the family, so I really will miss them. Xx'

She has about 20 years experience and has had babies and young children before. She has usually seemed very pleasant and kind.

My partner asked whether they will be closing down this morning and she said she won't be ending care for all of the children and that she w as a upset to end the message. He asked if it was about their behaviour or our parenting and she said it isn't. She is still being cryptic as bout the reason why though. My partner put it down to a health problem or something along those lines or a divorce as it was so sudden. I didn't believe it was that because of how she worded the message.

I suppose I just wanted to garner people's thoughts and ask advice really as I've been really upset about it and didn't realise how much it would upset me (been tearful all morning and feeling at a loss at to why).

Sometimes at childcare my sons have hit out at other children or been upset and my partner has let me know this. I have been worried she would end care with them and he has laughed and said don't be silly and let her know how I feel. She has said to him it's okay she has seen it all before and tell me not to worry. It sounds like I did have reason to worry now?

I feel upset that I don't know the secret reason why she is abruptly ending her care with them after saying things were fine before. I feel really hurt that she is doing this with no prior warning of the build up and not being descriptive about why now it's happening. I know she's entitled to be secretive if she wants I am aware people don't have to disclose these matters. I just felt like it would have been kind and respectful to after all this time. We paid her a retainer in over 200 quid a month for my second son whilst I was on maternity leave and she hasn't said anything to suggest she would be ending care soon. I feel very blindsided and am questioning my parenting and what the real reason for this is?

I wondered with the what I understand is very limited information in this post, whether anyone could shed light on why they think this is happening or offer any advice or thoughts.

Sorry I meant the hours they attend

It might be new rules and regulations. Maybe she has to have lower numbers of children to comply with new regulations. If the kids also get fed there, it might be new rules for that.

We had a small business that sold abroad. It was a constant pain in the backside keeping up with all the regulations. When the VATMOSS rules were introduced, we did not want to go through all the bureaucracy involved, so we just shut off all sells to the EU on the day it was introduced. Our main sells were to the US, UK, Australia and South Africa so we did not care. EU sells were insignificant. When governments introduce new stupid rules, if it causes added nonsense or added costs for you to deal with, you just drop it. I know people with successful business that have just moved abroad due to all the garbage bureaucracy this new government has introduced. That is lost tax to the UK. We shut down our 30 year old business in the first year of these new nut cases being in charge.

It maybe be health related or something and she's just dropping the 0-4 range. I used to childminder and there is a lot of paperwork etc that goes with the preschool EYFS age as well as being more physically tiring. She may be still working as a childminder but just doing school age as that leVes her day free from 9.00- 3.00

I had my CM give me notice out the blue, and it did take me by surprise and upset me a little for a day that my child had been 'dropped' for no real reason.
But it's business for them, they may like our children but their priority is their own lives and bills. Whatever reason she has, she's not willing to share and with 20 years experience I genuinely think she'd say if it was behavioural, she's got nothing to lose by telling you if that was the case.
So I would genuinely think this really isn't a personal decision.

OP I mean this kindly, but she gave you her reason and mentioned ‘personal circumstances’, that can mean one of many things and as difficult as it may be for you, she has given notice and finished on a positive note by stating how she’ll miss your boys. I very much doubt it is related to your children’s behaviour, they are still very young and no childminder would give notice simply for young children doing what many young children do.
In the meantime, I would search out other childminders/nurseries in the area, I’m sure you’ll find a solution that works for you and your family.

I'm not sure but I feel like professionals would say the things they do are normal at this stage of life and hence wouldn't offer support (I'm au fait with parenting support out there and what's offered generally cos of my job). I think there's an element of guilt and upset around their behaviour and them hitting other kids yeah.

Mine just covers all those things, we probably use a bit of his to cover them also but if he doesn't work I think we wouldn't have much quality of life tbh

How many days were your children with her?
She might have to let part time children go to focus on full time.

You say all this and yet you jumped on someone who asked about possible neurodiversity...
I also work with neurodiverse children and without being unkind, I think you should take off your rose tinted parent glasses and consider high functioning neurodiversity.

The loss of child care can throw you in a spin. My daughters nursery closed with 20 minutes notice!

Do you think the fixation on the reason is about a distraction from the looming threat of no childcare? Some times our brains aren't the most helpful and can send us in a spiral.
Not only do you have the issue of needing to find a new care setting you have the "what ifs" in the back of your mind.
what if it is my children and in 3 months time we will be in this position again. Then we will be black listed and how will we cope and we need two salaries and and and

It may well be a set of decisions. She needed to re-evaluate all of the children she is minding for what ever reason - health, financial, numbers and when she has gone through it all it makes the most sense to give notice to you.
Maybe it is because you have two children and it's only one family to upset, maybe it is the hours that they are there, maybe it is because they are higher energy than the other children and a greater drain on her resources than she can manage for whatever reason, maybe it is their age and finding, maybe it is which children play best together. Maybe it is a bit of everything and maybe she hasn't told you because it's not that there is anything intrinsically wrong with them but at this moment in time it makes the most sense to give notice to them over other children.

I have a 5 yo and I am in the scouts working with 4-6 yo. I know they are older than your two but there are some children we have to keep on different teams, there are some children that we have to keep more of an eye on in certain settings. It's not that they are doing anything other than be normal 4 and 5 year olds it's just that environment and with those children they aren't shining and it can get hard to manage to ensure it's not at the detriment of others. We however have the luxury of making smaller teams and having specific adults work with specific children to help keep things on an even keel and only have the children for 1h a week!

You’ve obviously never looked after a hyperactive child, or witnessed the effect it has on the other children in your care.
This hyperactivity is not normal, and is incredibly draining.
But thanks for your incredibly ignorant reply.

OP - this really takes me back! I had three boys under the age of three, all with ADHD and two of them ASD. I honestly felt as though I might die of exhaustion by bedtime some days.

We parented them very consistently, and they were beautifully behaved whenever we took them out. But at home - my goodness - I sometimes used to wonder whether one or more of them might end up living a life of crime and I would only ever see them through prison bars!

We didn't put them in nursery or with a child minder, but I imagine we might have had some difficulties if we had. I'm not suggesting you stop doing that, by the way! Times were different when my children were young and it was possible to live on one salary for a few years. There were also no funded hours, so it was more expensive for me to work than to stay at home at that point, and we couldn't afford to make up that shortfall.

The point I'm trying to make is that all three grew up to be delightful young men and are turning out to be excellent parents and partners. As long as you remain consistent with your parenting, there is no reason why the same thing won't happen with your two. Mumsnet can be very negative about other people's children at times and reluctant to give grace to their fellow parents.

You are in the trenches at the moment, but this too shall pass. Good luck with your childminder interviews. I hope that one of them is a great fit for your boys and they adjust very quickly.

Best follow your advice then. What was it again, get them assessed for ADHD and give them immediate time outs?

For children who are two and one years old? Correct?

Where did I jump on them? Show me this. I have definitely considered it believe me so I wouldn't have 'jumped on' anyone about it.

They may be neurodiverse but as revolting pheasants says they are young so we're observing and parenting apply for now.

Yea I think this is right, and maybe even though it's 'normal' behaviour for 1 and 2 yos it's still challenging for 10 hours 3 days per week whilst also looking after other children. My brain does seem to have fixated on it and I've been having nightmares last night, perhaps it is the thought that history will repeat itself? Is it possible to be 'blacklisted'?

3 days x

You told BePoliteRedUser "I work with children who are neurodiverse so I think I'm well versed in knowing whether their behaviour is age appropriate etc."

That's a really good point. I hadn't thought of that and agree - it's better advice than mine.

I think you would have had to go through a lot of childminders to get "blacklisted". It's not something I would be worrying about.

Maybe write yourself a flow chart for what you need to do now with the personal circumstances as the reason and knowing how your children are and what you would do if you knew it was because of how your children are. You would probably find that the two lists are very similar.

You need childcare
You need a setting that will work for your children
The childminder giving notice for personal reasons or because of your children doesn't change that.
Also, you can't change what has happened and uncertainty that can't be changed is prime target for rumination. You also have uncertainty about what the next setting might be. Try to channel that mental energy into that.

I can see why you are hurt by this, My betting would be she feels the need to lose a couple of kids and thinks it makes more sense to lose two together than put 2 families out. Either she has the wrong balance of different aged children and has had to let some go, or she wants less children overall, or maybe doesn't want a school run say.

I’ve been a childminder for over 20 years and have had many many children in my care during that time.
Children are not usually accepted as early as age 2 for an ADHD diagnosis, but it’s certainly a good idea to start the process.
And yes, time outs are very plausible at those ages, age appropriate ie if the child is age 2 then a two minute time out does address the behaviour.
And don’t worry, this has indeed all been passed on to the parent to implement also.
Can I ask about your childcare experience, you are obviously an expert 🤣

I don’t think I’m an expert @Ilovemychocolate . I am a teacher but I am not answering with a professional hat on.

I would honestly be taken aback by any childcare setting putting children so young in time outs. Nineteen months is really, really young; still just a baby really. They aren’t going to understand what they did wrong at that age. For slightly older children sometimes yes come away from the situation, calm down have a reset is fine but I still think that works best for three plus.

I would not wanting to be using a childcare setting that was pushing me to put a one year old in time out. Having many years of experience doesn’t make that good advice and neither does ‘starting the prices’ for ADHD. Honestly, if every parent with a child this age that got wild and silly at home started the process the system would be a mess. Oh, wait …

I think it’s very common for parents of toddlers to struggle with their behaviour. It isn’t called terrible twos for nothing, and generally time outs aren’t considered effective for this age.