Childminder ending care suddenly for my sons, no clear reason given

[BePoliteRedUser]

Our childminder sent us the following message last night after caring for my son's since they were 6 months old.

'Hi Kate, I’m really sorry to have to send this message. Due to a change in my personal circumstances unfortunately I won’t be able to care for - and - anymore. Taking their notice period into account, their last day will be 18th April. I will send your final April invoice to reflect this date. - and E- have become part of the family, so I really will miss them. Xx'

She has about 20 years experience and has had babies and young children before. She has usually seemed very pleasant and kind.

My partner asked whether they will be closing down this morning and she said she won't be ending care for all of the children and that she w as a upset to end the message. He asked if it was about their behaviour or our parenting and she said it isn't. She is still being cryptic as bout the reason why though. My partner put it down to a health problem or something along those lines or a divorce as it was so sudden. I didn't believe it was that because of how she worded the message.

I suppose I just wanted to garner people's thoughts and ask advice really as I've been really upset about it and didn't realise how much it would upset me (been tearful all morning and feeling at a loss at to why).

Sometimes at childcare my sons have hit out at other children or been upset and my partner has let me know this. I have been worried she would end care with them and he has laughed and said don't be silly and let her know how I feel. She has said to him it's okay she has seen it all before and tell me not to worry. It sounds like I did have reason to worry now?

I feel upset that I don't know the secret reason why she is abruptly ending her care with them after saying things were fine before. I feel really hurt that she is doing this with no prior warning of the build up and not being descriptive about why now it's happening. I know she's entitled to be secretive if she wants I am aware people don't have to disclose these matters. I just felt like it would have been kind and respectful to after all this time. We paid her a retainer in over 200 quid a month for my second son whilst I was on maternity leave and she hasn't said anything to suggest she would be ending care soon. I feel very blindsided and am questioning my parenting and what the real reason for this is?

I wondered with the what I understand is very limited information in this post, whether anyone could shed light on why they think this is happening or offer any advice or thoughts.

Yeah I've known this a while lol

Thank you xxx

I agree with a PP that you could message her just once more and say that you were very thrown by this as it is very short notice to find a new childminder and that it would be incredibly helpful if she would be honest about any issues she has had with your children which might cause problems with another childminder.

I wonder if another parent or set of parents has got fed up of their children being hit or bitten and said they will withdraw their children if she continues to mind yours. If theirs are easier to manage or generate more income, she may have had to make this decision. but that is pure speculation, based on her continuing to care for other children.

It's all very well other posters saying you have no right to further information, but you've been left in a very tricky situation by someone you have treated well, and when a problem concerns our children, it can be hard to be philosophical and think 'may never know'. You want to know so you can take appropriate action if you need to. I think that's very normal.

Seriously? There is absolutely nothing here to suggest anything other than totally developmentally normal children. Being a bit silly and snatching toys (and they are one and two years old!) is fairly standard.

MN can be really odd about toddlers.

I think this is why Nurseries are more reliable TBH. You have several adults in a group setting.Behaviour /day to day routines are shared out .I am not knocking CM ,but I think its incredibly stressful with small children to manage .Maybe look for a good care setting and start again.I doubt your DC are much different to many other children but 2 and a half and 19 months are a handful .Most nurseries will have seperate rooms according to age

That is quite unfair suggesting the CM is not resilient when you have no idea of her personal circumstances.

If you have been worried enough about your child's behaviour, so much so that you asked her if it was enough of a problem that she would not care for him anymore... well then you have your answer.

“If that’s the case”

I would not advise this. Your partner already asked and she said it wasn’t you or your children. You can now honestly tell prospective child minders that your current child minder has had to reduce the children in her care due to personal circumstances that she has said have nothing to do with your children’s behaviour or yours (paying late, picking up late etc).

If you start digging and don’t stop until she confesses some kind of irk or dislike, well now you have to pass that info on. Keep in mind, if you keep pushing the child minder may just say what you want to hear as you seem to perversely want to hear your children are hard work.

“You can find another carer who will be more resilient.”

How can you say this - whatever the CM’s reasons are? You know nothing about how more or less resilient she has been for the past 2 years.

It was hypothetical! IF the CM has binned them off because she doesn’t like the DC, OP can find another more resilient one….

Yes, that would annoy me, and while maybe legally she's in the clear (I don't have legal quals), it does seem wrong if she took money for a long time, which you wouldn't have paid if you'd known.
Could you look for a nursery, and ask family if there's any possibility they could help out in the meantime?

OP you are definitely spiralling. It sounds like she's had a change in circumstances - it could be anything from being unwell to getting in trouble with ofsted or any manner of things meaning she needs to reduce the number of kids she has. And for whatever reason, might have been names out of a hat, yours are the ones that have been reduced.

It's rubbish but don't take this as an attack on you or your kids x

I understand why you feel upset and are looking for an explanation as to why the childminder doesn't want to care for your children anymore...childminders often become close to our families and we feel we know them well so when something unusual happens out of the blue it can feel like a personal rejection when it may or may not be.
Your childminder doesn't want to tell you the detail of ehy she cant care ofr your children anymore and thats her prerogative and she is under no obligation to tell you.
This happened to me once and i felt like you.
My childminder said something similar, personal reasons why i will be unable to continue caring for your children but i'm still childminding other children.
Truth usually outs in the end and in my case, a very wealthy family offered her a fortune to care for their children and they needed picking up from private schools some distance from my kids schools and she couldn't do both...
Basically she got a better offer so let us go after 5 yrs of paying above the market rate ,paying full pay in the holidays and full pay during covid.
Funnily enough,felt better when i discovered the truth through the grapevine as i thought my kids may have become difficult .
Let it go.

It is a massive hassle and stress to find childcare at short notice i understand why you are upset.

You will never know the reason, your children will be hard work due to their age, i wouldnt worry about their behaviour too much as you are teaching them and they often do behave. Maybe she can still keep the other similar aged child as only one. Maybe she cant afford to let all 3 children go, maybe the other child is related somehow and family politics make it more difficult to end.

As it wont change anything and there is a chance there is a completely unrelated health/personal reason i would not ask any more about it. Focus your energy and headspace on new childcare.

Are they one of the earlier drop offs in the morning or later pick ups in the evening? My friend has recently had her childminder terminate her daughter’s contact. The childminders father was diagnosed with MS and his care needs had become such that the childminder was having to go and help her mother in the mornings so had to terminate all the kids whose drop off times were early morning. She kept the later drop off kids and after school kids and has become a sort of afternoon/after school club instead, to free up time in the mornings to help care for her father. She did explain this fully when terminating the children tho

could be that your childminders personal circumstances have affected mornings/evenings and that’s why she’s done it

Ok I’m a childminder and it could have been for one or more of these reasons:

1. they are siblings - oh my gosh siblings are so hard to care for. I rarely do it now. Constantly at each other all day! Just like having your own children rather than minded children.
2. Needs to reduce numbers due to medical diagnosis or maybe she’s a bigger setting and now going to be a smaller setting. Easier to disappoint one family rather than loads.
3. working relationship with parents - she doesn’t get on well with you.
4. and I bet it’s this one: FINAnCES - are you funded?? Your nearly 3 yr old will be moving onto a stupidly low rate of funding and your 1 yr old will be nearly two which is another cut in funding (though not as big a cut as 3yr old). I “chuck” people out now (I’m saying this jokingly before anyone jumps on me) at 3 as I simply can’t afford to keep them on. Your childminder has probs taken on 2 babies instead to stay financially stable. She’s maybe embarrassed to say this. I’m upfront from the start about this. I will keep 2 yr olds but I’ll often take an extra baby to make up for the loss so end up working with 4 instead of my preferred 3. Parents need to moan to the gov about this very stupid funding system.

Perversely want to hear it? No. Really I just wanted to know what it truthfully is and in my mind that's the last thing I want to hear but can't help but think it's a possibility.

Financial i.e. number 3 seems like the one I'd wanna hear the most. 😂

I don't mind the siblings thing either if it's a common thing and siblings are commonly difficulty for childminders. We've never had conflict so I'd like to think out relationship was okay.

I’ll bet you anything it’s financial as we are not allowed to ask you to top it up any more even if you were happy to. She’s probably gone off and put it in policy for all future new starters that their contract will end the term after their third birthday if they haven’t left already. That’s my policy

She might not be telling you because she worried you’ll go and moan to the local authority- some local authorities are over-reaching when it comes to funding and putting in sanctions that are not even in DfE guidance

Cant you message and say, "Im really sad about this, the DCs love you. Can I ask why you cant continue with them? Totally understand if its too personal, id just hate to think it was something that could impact them with another care giver or down to something I could have approached better."

The LA would not get involved, and cm has given notice at the end of the funding period

Maybe she's just reducing her workload and whatever the reason she has chosen to keep the other children on. They might be children of a friend or relative or maybe she just likes them better. It's her choice whatever the reason though as she is providing the service in her own home. This is the kind of possibility that made me choose a nursery rather than a childminder.