Nerd urgent help with toddler

[TidyPearlPoster]

I have a 2 year old and look after him myself.

He's generally well behaved etc but I'm out of my depth. I work full time. I've contacted health visitor and a step below social services for help.

They offer an online parenting cause which I thought wasn't that useful. There is no other support and I'm on a 12 month wait list for help with my emotions.

I was also under the care of perinatal mh before being discharged at 2 months pp to go to local services who all passed me around until I went back to work and this couldn't afford the time to access any further services (i don't WFH) and to be honest it wasn't helpful.

I'm out of my depth with being a parent. I don't know how to parent and can't stand his crying. My ears feel it and I go into a blind panic. For example we were in a toy shop (trying out bikes so he needed to be there) and we came to leave. Looking back I should have told him we are leaving etc but I honestly don't think it makes a difference as he wanted to play. I put him in the trolley and the screaming and not being able to step away (Because he would fall out of trolly) was awful. It's also the hitting and hair pulling (doesn't normally hair pull and I think it was an accident).

I can't act like that again, I can't feel those emotions again.

So what can I do?

He's aged out of home start (we did have a referral and they didn't accept as too busy). Health visitor team have sent a new one but with me working and him over 2, they won't accept the referral.

It would be easy for someone to say - you just have to control your emotions, I clearly can't. So don't be unhelpful.

Downsize your expectations.
We have 3 DC.
Never had one in a shop for a bike being 2yo. It's maybe nice but not a need.

After all I've written that's all you can write - that I was somehow stupid for going to a shop, because I wanted to?

You are missing the point.

You sound so sad OP and let down by many services. What sort of help are you looking for? Practical advice or more emotional support?

Both please. Yes I can't belive how little support there is

This is the most difficult age and one that is hard to navigate alone. I think everyone sometimes feels a bit as you do with a 2 year old.
One problem is that the more fraught you feel the more the child acts up as they feed on this.
Do what you need to do to get through ... e.g. more TV than you might see as ideal.
You need to get through the day.
I am sure that all the parenting courses you have done say to praise the good bits however tiny and few and far between.

He's a good kid just about all the time but I can't continue with how I feel around him and I'm not beg anywhere

Toddlers are so hard and services are so crap!
Some emotional regulation skills that seem to help people are DBT, ideally taught by MH professionals buts thats hard to access at the best of time so there are work books that can help you develop the skills https://www.therahive.com/blog/the-ultimate-guide-to-dbt-self-help-books

Do you have any sensory issues? Just because the way you describe the experience of your toddler crying sounds unusually intense. Would Loop ear plugs or something similar help to block out some of the sound so that its not causing you such distress?

Are you neurodiverse op?

No I don't have sensory issues. I find it bizarre that people have issues with expressing children crying is an issue. I don't find other children an issue, but my own tends to hit 1000 times harder for some reason.

Are you?

Are we now in a world where parents ask for help and instantly people's reaction are "have you got autism/ADHD".

Bizarre

I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this, parenting can be challenging and I think firstly, I’d book an appointment with your GP and have a good chat with them about everything. Do not sugar coat anything and tell them how it is and hopefully they can help. You are going to have to make yourself available for appointments tho (you mentioned not affording the time? Not wfh) as a lot of these services are Monday to Friday 9-5.

I would also tap into the children’s centres and see what they have on and go to things - it’s good to meet other Mums and chat about things too I’ve always found my friends really important.

What's the point of this thread if you're asking for support and then snapping at anyone who tries to support you?

I'm confused as to why this seems to have annoyed you so much.
Given that both autism and ADHD often come with some issues around emotional regulation and unusually intense sensory experiences I dont think it was an unfair question.

In terms of the support you have already had (the parenting course, the perinatal MH support, in what ways did you feel they weren't helpful?

You sound like you're really struggling with your mental health OP because your 2 year old sounds like a normal toddler and although they're hard work, most people don't feel quite as overwhelmed as you're feeling. Can you go back to your GP and talk about how you're feeling? And ask for a referral to your local mental health team? In our area, the wait is about 8 weeks. Do you have any support from family and friends?

Have you tried antidepressants? My DH really struggled with managing his emotions with the stress of parenting and sertraline has made a huge difference.
Distraction for the toddler when they're overwhelmed can help and/or clear next steps. If he doesn't want to leave the store let him know you're going to do something else he likes eg we will get in the car and go to the playground/go home and play with favourite toy. Singing to them can help, being a bit silly, playing peek a boo.

I don’t really understand this. Of course your own baby crying is going to make you react, that is what it’s designed to do . Biology.
Toddlers are wonderful but also exhausting and often frustrating. Lower your expectations, do things that are enjoyable for both of you. You learn as you go along, eg preparing a toddler for leaving the playground, not letting him get too hungry or overtired. There are easy days and tricky days. I am not sure what help and support you expect ? He sounds a totally normal little boy and the crying in the bike shop was a normal thing to happen. How did you cope when he cried as a baby ?

Hi OP. It would be great if there were services to help you with this stage of parenting, but it seems that there aren't.
However, some sessions of general counselling might help you understand and tolerate your own emotions which are obviously hugely upsetting for you. All parents get exasperated at times but what you are experiencing sounds like more than that, especially since he isn't a particularly 'difficult' child. I'm not suggesting you put a lid on your emotions or blame yourself for feeling the way you do, but that finding ways to comfort and calm yourself might be the way to go.
Your employer might have an EAP scheme which offers free sessions, or you could look for a private therapist to see online in the evenings if going out isn't possible.

Which I'm finding hard to do when he's there screaming in my ear. As per my original post, I dotnt know how when he's screaming in my ear, so no point telling me to do it when I don't know how.

I really think it is a sound advice. Lower your expectations and life might be easier as a parent.

Reread what you wrote

Yeah I'm on them all.

It is totally normal for2/3 year olds to behave in this way. One thing that worked for me was distraction. ‘Wow. look at the funny man over there!’ saved me from one potentially explosive incident. But when that method failed I had to be prepared to count slowly and calmly, push the buggy out of the shop and down a side alley and face him towards the wall and talk calmly to him until he’d calmed down. This will happen so you need to devise a strategy to cope with it while your DC is in this stage. And remember that it will pass. Unless you give in to the demand in which case you’ll have a ten year old kicking off when they want something.

Thank you this is what I need to hear.

Do they eventually learn that if we need to go we need to go? For example?

You say he's generally well-behaved, but the way you describe him sounds like he's constantly screaming and fighting you. Is his behaviour always worse during transitions (leaving shops / playgrounds / home), or is there anything in particular that sets him off?

What does he enjoy doing, and what do you enjoy doing with him? Assuming he's in nursery or something while you're at work, what's he like at nursery?