Nerd urgent help with toddler

[TidyPearlPoster]

I have a 2 year old and look after him myself.

He's generally well behaved etc but I'm out of my depth. I work full time. I've contacted health visitor and a step below social services for help.

They offer an online parenting cause which I thought wasn't that useful. There is no other support and I'm on a 12 month wait list for help with my emotions.

I was also under the care of perinatal mh before being discharged at 2 months pp to go to local services who all passed me around until I went back to work and this couldn't afford the time to access any further services (i don't WFH) and to be honest it wasn't helpful.

I'm out of my depth with being a parent. I don't know how to parent and can't stand his crying. My ears feel it and I go into a blind panic. For example we were in a toy shop (trying out bikes so he needed to be there) and we came to leave. Looking back I should have told him we are leaving etc but I honestly don't think it makes a difference as he wanted to play. I put him in the trolley and the screaming and not being able to step away (Because he would fall out of trolly) was awful. It's also the hitting and hair pulling (doesn't normally hair pull and I think it was an accident).

I can't act like that again, I can't feel those emotions again.

So what can I do?

He's aged out of home start (we did have a referral and they didn't accept as too busy). Health visitor team have sent a new one but with me working and him over 2, they won't accept the referral.

It would be easy for someone to say - you just have to control your emotions, I clearly can't. So don't be unhelpful.

These guides can also be helpful for developing skills to help you cope when things get very difficult. All of these things tend to need to be practiced well beforehand so are not quick fixes.
Source: Livewell Southwest https://share.google/yA6RripFRMnabhN7j

I swear to you I'm not being patronizing im telling you what I actually DO when being screamed at by my eldest who is neurodivergent and would REALLy scream a lot.

Them screaming can trigger any memories of being in trouble for screaming yourself as a kid so it's very triggering and your body doesn't feel safe.

So I take a deep breath, breathing in for 5 and out for 10 on repeat. I repeat in my head this will pass, deep breaths, calm your body, he's having a hard time not giving you a hard time etc and I settle myself. In your trolley example I'd probably be constantly stopping him escaping the trolley at the same time.

On the outside my slowed breathing automatically slows their breathing, I'll either push the trolley or stand still until settled depending on what helps best.

The out of control feelings pass and your inner monologue is so important

It's ok that you don't know how to regulate, we weren't taught so have to learn alongside our kids

I found a count down helped: “we’re leaving/going out in 10/5/2 minutes.” Ofc a toddler doesn’t understand time but it prepares them. Also snacks and drinks helps as a distraction, as does telling them what you’re doing next. I’ve also learned the hard way to recognise the signs of my toddlers having had enough of whatever we’re doing and wrapping things up before they get close to the point of no return and everyone’s crying.

Thank you

Often they won't be happy to go, transitions are hard, you can't just scoop them up and leave. I start with '5 more minutes and then we're going, 1 more minutes, ok 10 secs. All done, then I say 'im going to count to 3 and then if you're not able to come yourself I'll pick you up' then I calmly pick them up and leave. Whether they are happy about it or not. They're allowed to be upset but still have to leave. Gradually they get better at that transition but they are new people just learning the rules so you have to help them learn them by being patient.

Your child will cry, they will be upset and it will be hard for you. Learning techniques to cope is the way to deal with it and you can and will learn to deal with it. Half the battle is realizing you need to deal with it and it's not their fault and it already reads like you know that but lack the tools.

Kids are hard work.

You need to be consistent with rewards and consequences.

What happened once you had finished at the toy shop? How is your DCs speech? Once you told him off for hitting and pulling your hair, did he say sorry? When my DC were small if they were naughty and needed to say sorry, I always asked them why they were sorry.

Do you have any family support?

I have no support and he's not developed the speech yet. Thanks for your response it was helpful (as well as others but I can't be on my phone as he's grabbing at it(

its not bizarre, I am surrounded by autism as my kids have it and so does my dh and my own mother (who could not handle having just 1 child and does not cope well with things like that) so I know the signs but its just something I wondered about with your posts.

The 2 year old phase will be over soon enough, just hang on and be gentle with yourself and the little one. See you both as a little team, getting through life's challenges together.

As others posters have said avoiding situations that are hard to leave for 2 year old is a good strategy.
Before uni in my teenage years I worked in a toy shop ...I could not believe the distress the children often felt to leave this wonderland of delights and then thought of my childhood and think my parents avoided that. Presents of toys at home galore in my memory and no loss by not having toy shop visits until I was spending my own gift money and older.
I think ear buds if crying noise is really painful to you is a great strategy too.
Hoping things get easier (tho suspect the ease comes from strategies to manage when things happen).
Regards childrens services there simply isnt the funding for moderate need so for these natural stages I think peer support groups will be you best option. Other parents and a place to bond over common struggles 🌻

I feel like I'm being questioned for going to a toy shop because I needed to Measure him for a toy. Which was unavoidable. And ultimately it's my choice and it's what I needed to do.

Where are the peer support groups? I haven't found any.

It IS your choice and there's nothing wrong with doing it but it will be a tricky activity so you decide if you're up to he difficult part before doing it. I need to psych myself up to take my kids somewhere like Claire's accessories or whatever if they've saved pocket money because it's so overstimulating for everyone so I've learnt it looks fun on paper but requires coffee, a decent night's sleep beforehand and a treat after for me to remain sane.

Some things sound like they'll be fun with small kids but in reality are a hellscape. It's ok not to realize that beforehand. What people are saying is you were in a rough situation it's ok you found. It rough

First step would be to identify why the crying bothers you so much. Is it a physical reaction, it actually hurts your ears/head/brain? Is it an emotional one, your baby being in pain/upset and you can’t handle that? Is it fear of judgement? Do you react the same if you’re at home or he has a genuine reason for his crying (hurt/upset)?

It's a noise that I don't like and can't get away from.

I don't know why people are so fixed about me, the parent, needing to make a parenting decision about spending money, and which I needed to bring my child , to measure for that expense.

It's really bizarre

The right kind of therapy would help you be prepared and have some kind of self-soothing ready. You'd practice at times there was no 'crisis'. You'd also hopefully understand why this is so very triggering for you.

Like it doesn't matter. Sometimes they will not want to leave the bath or get their teeth brushed or do whatever. Why are people so fixed on my doing what I needed to do.

Oh which isn't isn't any available

It's because YOU are upset by it.

If you know you can't cope with your child's upset at leaving somewhere you don't have to take them. If you do take them you need a way to cope.

Not going is 1 strategy for coping with parenting.

You are missing the point, and it's really quite bizarre. I gave an example and yes I should be able to bring him places or do things as needed. BevUse that's what being a parent is. You also don't avoid situations that need doing.

He also hates his car seat. Shall I just not take him to nursery 10 miles away?

I appreciate it’s hard when you work but you need to access support services for you, you need to go to the GP and get referrals to the local mental health team (or you may be able to self refer) and you need to engage with them properly.

its hard but for change to happen you need to put the work in. And I’m saying that as someone who hit rock bottom and had to fight back up

Lol have you not read anything I've written... Go to the first post

What is obvious from your post is you want change with no effort and your blaming a toddler behaving like a toddler for your issues.

Hand hold here as I am going through the exact same situation with my DC.

It is so soul destroying and draining at this stage.
Everything is a battle
To brush teeth.
To put coat on.
To get out the bath.

Throwing hard toys at me which have to be removed.
Screaming non stop in parks, shops, pavements etc

I literally count down the hours until it's either nap/bed time.

I do everything myself as partner works away.

I have bought him a balance bike, a garden swing and slide set to see if that helps his moods and to keep him out more with the good weather.

Good luck OP, hopefully it does get better and all this will be a distant memory xx

Ear plugs are helpful. I used to use them.
Also not taking small children into any shops at all. If at all possible. If there are 2 parents around it can be done.