Nerd urgent help with toddler

[TidyPearlPoster]

I have a 2 year old and look after him myself.

He's generally well behaved etc but I'm out of my depth. I work full time. I've contacted health visitor and a step below social services for help.

They offer an online parenting cause which I thought wasn't that useful. There is no other support and I'm on a 12 month wait list for help with my emotions.

I was also under the care of perinatal mh before being discharged at 2 months pp to go to local services who all passed me around until I went back to work and this couldn't afford the time to access any further services (i don't WFH) and to be honest it wasn't helpful.

I'm out of my depth with being a parent. I don't know how to parent and can't stand his crying. My ears feel it and I go into a blind panic. For example we were in a toy shop (trying out bikes so he needed to be there) and we came to leave. Looking back I should have told him we are leaving etc but I honestly don't think it makes a difference as he wanted to play. I put him in the trolley and the screaming and not being able to step away (Because he would fall out of trolly) was awful. It's also the hitting and hair pulling (doesn't normally hair pull and I think it was an accident).

I can't act like that again, I can't feel those emotions again.

So what can I do?

He's aged out of home start (we did have a referral and they didn't accept as too busy). Health visitor team have sent a new one but with me working and him over 2, they won't accept the referral.

It would be easy for someone to say - you just have to control your emotions, I clearly can't. So don't be unhelpful.

Is he closer to two or to three? If the latter then if you haven't already refer him to speech therapy. I would use makaton to help.

You keep calling the suggestions people give you "bizarre". You may not like them, but people are being kind and trying to help you, not criticise you. You are being extremely rude.

Tactics I’ve used as a mother and grandmother:

• distraction with an object or activity
• quickly talking about another subject to stop the tears and upset
• an enveloping bear hug and rocking them until their emotion is spent
• self-belief
• lots of physical activity (3 boys) so I’d pile up cushions to be jumped/ play catching a ball or cricket with a mini plastic set/ go out for a walk
• a long time of playing in the bath with cups, bottles, funnels (all available in your kitchen)
• only tuning in when the sound reached a certain pitch which triggered an alarm in me (I don’t mean ignoring, but only reacting to stress rather than to everything)
• listening to and watching older people deal with similar situations to learn from them - do you have a neighbour who’d love to chat and spend time with you both?
• not giving a toss about being embarrassed in public - I was never going to see those people again (which resulted in me being calmer and had a knock on effect on the children)
• when all seemed bleak wrangling them into the buggy and walking for bloody miles!

You’re at the peak period. It will get better. Promise.

OP, i’ve remembered that i did very structured countdowns in the park with both of mine. That included coming off the swings etc when other children were waiting. I used to say loudly enough for the other child to hear, ‘someone is waiting now, DC, so it’s 20 swings left, then count down from 20, slowing the swing down towards the end, then praise him a lot for letting the other child have a turn - although I’d whip him out so fast he didn’t get a chance to protest much.

This 👏🏻👏🏻!!

The OP is getting a really rough ride here for absolutely no reason.

imagine posting for help, stating you are solo parenting & having some clear mental health issues & instead of helpful suggestions you get people belittling you & being mean. I’d be a more than a bit pissy

it takes a lot to ask for help & it costs nothing to be kind to people in need of help

The OP has been offered good advice and has been rude. Pretty sure she also posted a thread about her child at Christmas and was incredibly rude then. It is obviously the same person.

Every suggestion people have give she has been rude about. I’m not sure what she wants but it seems clear whatever that is she doesn’t want to have to make any effort for it.

I haven’t read the whole thread…

OP, are you looking after yourself? That age is so demanding. Are you doing things to look after yourself? Eating properly, perhaps meditation or exercise?

If you’re on anti depressants and still feeling this way then they clearly aren’t working. Request a review with your gp - you should be having regular reviews anyway on these drugs. Ask for referral to talk therapy while you’re at it.

I don’t think it’s fair to say that there’s no support. Youve had a parenting course and referrals. You are on anti depressants so you presumably have had the support of your GP and the recognition that you do need help. It may be that due to waiting times (which I agree are shocking) you need to pay for some private therapy for a short period. Look for someone who can offer online therapy and specialises in parenting or emotion regulation. It doesn’t sound like your child or indeed your parenting is an issue. But you are finding the experience of parenting a toddler too overwhelming.

You can self refer to Early Help, the supportive step before social services. If you don’t want to or can’t ask his nursery to do it.

It was a valid question, which may have helped the poster signpost you to relevant support.

People are trying to be kind and your reactions are not helping. You’re asking for help - people are suggesting things.

I was also going to mention sensory issues as that’s what jumped out to me because I struggle in the same way with my own kids. Ear plugs work really well to take the edge off a bit so that I can take a breath and mange my feelings.

This is good advice.

allows them some control.

also found that offering less reaction to the tantrum and just carrying on helps. kids this age can’t regulate and learn by watching those around you. So if you can model the calm then that will help longer term.

Why should I re-read it ?

You are incredibly aggressive and rude. Most of us here have been through the toddler years, or are in the thick of them. Many of us have brought up several children. Everyone is trying to give you bits of advice based on what helped them yet you are sniping constantly. All of us understand that toddlers can be hard work.
Small children crying is a sound specifically evolved to make us, as mothers do something about it, right away. No mother is internally calm when their tiny child is crying, even if they are trying to sound calm to the baby.
Your expectations of your baby sound totally unrealistic and that is probably why you are so constantly frustrated and stressed. This phase will pass, another phase will start. Some are more challenging than others. Some children are easy toddlers and hellish teens and vice versa, probably as much to do with our own skills and temperaments as our children’s. We are all learning as we go along.
You sound very resentful towards your baby (and everyone else) but he isn’t doing anything very extreme or unusual. He’s just a toddler.