Nerd urgent help with toddler

[TidyPearlPoster]

I have a 2 year old and look after him myself.

He's generally well behaved etc but I'm out of my depth. I work full time. I've contacted health visitor and a step below social services for help.

They offer an online parenting cause which I thought wasn't that useful. There is no other support and I'm on a 12 month wait list for help with my emotions.

I was also under the care of perinatal mh before being discharged at 2 months pp to go to local services who all passed me around until I went back to work and this couldn't afford the time to access any further services (i don't WFH) and to be honest it wasn't helpful.

I'm out of my depth with being a parent. I don't know how to parent and can't stand his crying. My ears feel it and I go into a blind panic. For example we were in a toy shop (trying out bikes so he needed to be there) and we came to leave. Looking back I should have told him we are leaving etc but I honestly don't think it makes a difference as he wanted to play. I put him in the trolley and the screaming and not being able to step away (Because he would fall out of trolly) was awful. It's also the hitting and hair pulling (doesn't normally hair pull and I think it was an accident).

I can't act like that again, I can't feel those emotions again.

So what can I do?

He's aged out of home start (we did have a referral and they didn't accept as too busy). Health visitor team have sent a new one but with me working and him over 2, they won't accept the referral.

It would be easy for someone to say - you just have to control your emotions, I clearly can't. So don't be unhelpful.

This is also a rude thing to say IMO.

Do you have any family nearby?? Can you speak to your GP? What childcare do you have? Nursery? Can you get a babysitter who can help you eg two hours on a Saturday so you have a break.

I am also really sensitive to noise. I am ashamed to admit my son sent me into a panic attack when he was three. The noise and chaos literally set me on edge and stressed me out and I had my first ever panic attack. Awful. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

Some tips for the noise:

• get headphones / earplugs and use them when you need to.
• start doing yoga and meditation. Meditation is incredibly helpful to lower the inner panic and anxiety.
• breathing exercises.
• download the ‘calm’ app - there is a free breathing regulation tool on there which is excellent aswell as guided meditations also excellent.

and for your child:

• audiobooks. Lots of free stories on Spotify, search kids stories or for specific stories.
• audible - also excellent for children’s audiobooks; Winnie the Pooh and Beatrix potter are both epic.
• children’s music on Spotify, eg Raffi.
• you can slow down the speed of the audiobooks on both Spotify and audible. This means they are very slow and calm, easier for your child to hear.

My all time favourite for calming my toddler is on Spotify; it’s called ‘colours of the rainbow’ by Calm Collective & Victoria Grove. it’s free.

it is excellent, very relaxing, and provides much needed calm EVERY TIME.
Play it on your phone anytime you need to.
When they have to listen, it means they are quiet and often still… keep breathing. Take each moment as it comes. Good luck to you @TidyPearlPoster xoxox

Wow there's some brutal comments in this thread. Firstly we'll done @TidyPearlPoster you're working full time and raising a child by yourself with no village. And you spent your weekend getting your boy fitted for a bike. That's how I know you're going to be just fine!
You're carrying the weight of the absolute world on your shoulders so it's no surprised you feel disregulated and stressed at times. I think you're wonderful for reaching out for help and I'm sorry you're not getting any support.
The behaviour seems perfectly typical and you'll find it gets easier as they get older. It's impossible to be a perfect parent especially when flying solo. I imagine only a few people who have posted could imagine just how busy and exhausted you are with nobody to tag out to. So I don't have the answers, it gets easier as they get older, but please give yourself some credit! Sounds like you're doing as much as you can, and I hope your little one enjoys their bike! X

I kind of detach myself from the situation or dissociate slightly when my kid is having a tantrum so that I can keep calm. I'm quite good in an emergency, so I treat it to how I'd do first aid - keep calm and focus on what the procedures are.

So in a tantrum my procedures are: take child to a safe spot, let them get their emotions out, when they look a bit calmer offer them a hug whilst talking to them about their emotions (e.g. I understand you were frustrated because of x) whilst rubbing their back and cuddling them, offer her a snack (always have a tub of crackers handy), then find a distraction (e.g. let's go find our car, which one do you think is ours etc)

Tantrums are unpleasant, but we need to remind ourselves that it's not an actual emergency.

Nb I do also try to avoid tantrums in general by avoiding overstimulating places or experiences, baking in extra dawdling time into activities (like at the toy shop I'd just wait until my kid got bored, I wouldn't plan anything other than the toy shop that day so it wouldn't need to be rushed) and also giving a warning about upcoming transitions. Sometimes a tantrum just happens though, but it's not the end of the world if it does.

I think noise cancelling headphones would be a good call if the sound is overwhelming for you.

You might qualify for a discount with better help as you're a single mum. I get 40 percent off which means it only costs £108 every four weeks to speak to a private therapist for 45 mins each week. There's also therapy groups on there for all kinds of different scenarios - from parenting to spirituality and beyond, and you get one per week with your subscription on top of being able to message your therapist whenever.

Ear seeds may also help you regulate. Or the magnets. It is really stressful and one of the main things is that mums' brains ARE wired to find their child's cry excruciating so that they jump into action and rescue them from the bear or whatever it is they needed back then.

Are you unconsciously comparing yourselves to others when it comes to your parenting OP? Or is the experience very different from how you imagined it in your head? Both maybe?

This isn’t to minimise how you feel OP, but most parents are often overwhelmed, overstimulated and feel like they have no means of escape. The extent to which you’re experiencing this is at the more extreme end of the spectrum and I think people here are right to suggest looking into more mental health care. But I want to tell you that you’re definitely not alone.

I’ve spent many afternoons being used as a toddler climbing frame, appearing calm externally while inside my mind I have been absolutely falling to bits. I’ve made meals in autopilot, singing the Peppa Pig theme tune and internally dying inside.

You are not alone.

What are the circumstances of your child’s father?

I would imagine unless you knowingly and willingly chose to be a single parent from the outset, there will be a big contribution to the big emotions you are dealing with.

Most parents struggle with screaming toddlers and parents often can’t just “step away” when the meltdown happens because DP is probably not in the supermarket right at that time. It’s tough but you develop strategies. One is get the hell out and get home asap, with toddler under your arm kicking and screaming if necessary. Another is learn to avoid difficult situations until he’s a bit older. Get an online delivery for your main shop. If you need to go in a shop make it super quick in and out.

i suspect you won’t like these suggestions and im expecting a snarky reply. But like it or not, honestly this is what parents of toddlers do to survive.

Some things that helped me:

Get some of those ear plugs that filter or reduce the noise without blocking it

Leave LOADS more time for every transition than you need to. Make the next thing more exciting eg "let's go home and watch Bluey!" Or whatever. Count to 30 before asking the same thing again so you don't get frustrated by nagging.

When you feel really annoyed, SMILE at your child. Force yourself to. It can be hard to catch but with practice gets easier.

Cut corners to make other aspects of life easier at least temporarily. Use paper plates if you cba to wash up. Eat the same easy thing for three days. Shove all the mess in a cupboard. Let him watch a bit of crap tv while you unwind. No one is gonna die.

Get on local mum groups, Facebook groups etc and try to make friends, solidarity is so important and those people are out there. Don't give up if you don't find them straight away.

Can you put your child in nursery?

@TidyPearlPoster - even babies pick up on their environment and moods around them. You could well be unconsciously passing on your desperation and frustration to your child.

Parenting is bloody hard. I had two on my own for 4 years (age 18 months and 6) unexpectedly so too.

If you are on "all the drugs" i think its time for a review and some blood tests becsuse taking lots of medication and it not doing a blind bit of help cannot be good for your body.

Mentally, you definetly need to remind yourself that your child is 2, and if he has no speech yet he cannot tell you what is wrong so will cry/scream/lash out.

Is he not talking at all? Has this been followed up?

I know what you mean about the crying getting to you. Even now, with a 6 and 12 year old, when they are upset I feel it so deeply, and I have to remind myself thst children do get upset, we cant protect them from everything.

In order to help our children communicate, regulate and build resilience we must also model this

I know this seems like a solution to simple to help, but it definitely helps me. I am so so triggered when my children scream (esp the youngest as his voice is impressive!) and have always had this issue, when they were babies the crying was difficult to handle because of how i process emotions but also noises (am ND). This makes parenting through temper tantrums of little ones almost unbearable!
Now, whenever my LO has a meltdown I put on noise cancelling headphones or Loop Earplugs; not in a way to ignore my child but to make the sound less overwhelming to my nervous system so that I can calmly parent him through such moments without wanting to scream myself.

Not saying this is the solution but it's definitely worth trying!
Good luck OP! 🍀

I can’t help with your personal ways of coping but a way I reduce tantrums with my own toddler is giving them two options, with both having the outcome I want but ultimately they feel in control.

Leaving the park, would you like to open the gate to leave or should mummy?

same for you shop, which way shall we go to the car past the bikes or the dolls?

for dinner, would you like cheese on top or next to your pasta.

yes it’s faffy but it really helps me

Where are the peer support groups? I haven't found any.

Ask your health visitor, look at notice boards in your local library and supermarkets. Use Google.

I found parenting of toddlers hard. I made a list of all the awful situations and made an effort to limit them. I prioritised active stuff, park, walks and swimming. Bedtime routine, non negotiable, kept to a tight schedule, rarely deviated. Shopping was online, for practically everything. Mostly I cut myself some slack when things didn’t go well. I always had a snack as a bribe. A friend once told me that dealing with a toddler is like dealing with a drunk. I found that useful. Logical arguments are a waste of time, redirection, gentle repetitive orders, singing and bribes are more useful.

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this OP 😔 it really is a difficult age and I've been there myself I had a covid baby so seen no one literally not even a health visitor as idk maybe I wasnt classed as a risk but just got left to it and I cried and like you was so stressed until I finally got help aged 3 and now hes been referred for ASD. Anyway please know ur not alone. My advice to you is if you can afford it go part time in work, keep child with childminder or nursery wherever they are when u are in work. U need at least one day to urself so u dont get burnt out. The next advice is try medication I found myself becoming so overwhelmed and anxious and avoiding going out worried in case of a tantrum or meltdown. I then started sertraline for low mood and anxiety initially it made me feel more an anxious for a week then it really helped settle me I felt more able to cope in situations. The next is be kind to urself dont feel like u have to always be out and about doing activities just go at a pace that works for u hopefully with the warmer weather now ur dc can play in the garden supervised to give u a bit of a break. The next is dont forget the simple things I was reminded we dont often explain thinfs to children like u I hadn't had a child before so I was like why is my child screaming when I try and take off his coat in the airport for security everyone else's kid just seems to do it. Then I was reminded of doing short social stories before tasks for example when we go in you have to take off ur coat and shoes and this big machine takes a picture of it but dont worry u get it back. Its also about telling them in advance they wont be getting toys in the shop mummy just has to do a message. I'm not sure if my post will help but these are simple steps that I found really helped me. I also got and read books from the library to help me they made me feel less alone and to understand better and give some good techniques also
Like you I didn't feel like I knew how to parent and im still learning to be honest. Keep hold of the good days know u are doing a great job I promise it does get easier

Kids are hard work and 2 years old it really really hard !!
Deep breaths and try to stay calm and maybe distract them with a cuddle or blow a raspberry on his belly !! I know it's daft but sometimes when mummy behave silly it can be enough to distract them from crying it doesn't work every time thou !
I think doing everything by yourself must b very difficult and your working fulltime I hear you !!!
It's a shame u can't get help ! Is there any drop in places for mums and tots in your area or a mental health cafe u could go along 2 ?
Hope I have helped a teeny bit I take my hat of to u doing it all by yourself that's not easy 🌺

Totally normal for 2 year olds to test us to the limits of sanity. Things that help:

• lower expectations
• don't base the quality of your day off 5 minutes of tantrums. Easier said than done but keep focused on big picture
• figure out your triggers and then put routines in place. Mine is public bathrooms + my DC. I have a little script before we go in "bathrooms are dirty, we keep our hands to ourselves" and remind myself not to yell if they lick the toilet again. It sounds like yours is noise. "Mommy can't hear you when you yell. Let's speak kindly" and then pop the noise cancelling loop headphones in. The scripts are for us not them, they can't take them in when disregulated.
• Distraction works better than de-escalation at that age. Thing of bubbles in your pocket works magic for moments like that.
• when I really want to lose my shit, I tell myself "you're not being chased by a bear, just your children"
• if you're somewhere safe, just step out of the room and leave them too it until you're calm. "Mommy is going to take some deep breaths, mommy will come back"
• our role as parents isn't to fix their tantrums, but to give them somewhere safe to express themselves. That doesn't have to mean constant attention during it.

I've found with my 2.5 year old that transitions are hardest, he's a great kid genuinely but it's a toddler thing, like a fight going in the bath but happy when in the bath, then a fight to get out. Fight to go to shops then fight to leave etc etc. What really helps me and therefore us (as my son has the loudest, most triggering cry, he was a very tearful baby with reflux so I'm at my limit for hearing him shriek in my lifetime I think 😅) is preparing him for the next step some 5 mins before. I also took him to get a balance bike at halfords when he was almost 2, and to make it easier to leave I said "okay, that's 5 minutes now and we will be going to Xxx", it helps to add where you're going next and make it a clear journey and adventure, even if its just the car. I say things like let's get to our car and find a purple one on the way, or questions like will we see a giraffe outside? Shall we go and look etc etc. Depends what works on the child but we reduced transitions tantrums alot by giving clear expectations with a last bit of fun in the place they are now, okay time to go to the next thing and there we will do x,y,z.

He was having huge shrieking confusing moments when it was time to come in from garden eg, where he'd scream to stay out, then scream to stay in, out in out in etc etc til I was demented and furious internally. The method of letting him know it's almost time to come in and why (I say stuff like sun's going down, rainclouds coming, wind getting cold etc) really helped, and despite their tiny age they seem to really understand when you give them a reason, not just time to go. They're at the peak age of realising they are their own person and exercising some agency, in a world where they usually have to follow a routine an adult dictates essentially.

Are you the parent who asked for advice a while ago and just gave pissy answers back?

One but of advice is only take him to shops as a last resort. No way would I have taken my four year old to try bikes out etc. it would be a nightmare.

You grit your teeth and get on with it. No choice really!

OP, what happened in your childhood when you were your son's age? I really recommend Philippa Perry's book -she's really good at uncovering what's happened to us which makes us react as we do. Also Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson write about these things. They say it doesn't matter if you, for example, had an insecure attachment with your own parents - by thinking it through and telling your own story, you can craft better attachments with your own child.

Another person I love for both how to parent and how to cope with our own stuff is Ashleigh Warner at Holistic Family Psychologist. Her online membership is open at the moment and it's not very expensive.

Sometimes tantrums are due to not being able to communicate - baby signing can help with that as most toddlers can do signs before they get clear enough speech to communicate.

beyond that I have to say that both of my two threw such spectacular tantrums in shops that I got my groceries delivered to my house for three years and seriously avoided shops.

yes in my experience they do eventually learn but honestly mine were grade A pains in shops until about 5 or 6. And even after that we gave them pocket money to distract them while we shopped!

Have you heard of picking your battles?

Some things are worth weathering the upset for and if bike shopping is one of those for you fair enough.

You ARE able to do things with your child but most of us find our own baby crying upsetting but not so much that we can't parent through it. Do you think everyone else is calm with compliant toddlers or something?

Unruffled podcast good for surviving tantrums too.