Nerd urgent help with toddler

[TidyPearlPoster]

I have a 2 year old and look after him myself.

He's generally well behaved etc but I'm out of my depth. I work full time. I've contacted health visitor and a step below social services for help.

They offer an online parenting cause which I thought wasn't that useful. There is no other support and I'm on a 12 month wait list for help with my emotions.

I was also under the care of perinatal mh before being discharged at 2 months pp to go to local services who all passed me around until I went back to work and this couldn't afford the time to access any further services (i don't WFH) and to be honest it wasn't helpful.

I'm out of my depth with being a parent. I don't know how to parent and can't stand his crying. My ears feel it and I go into a blind panic. For example we were in a toy shop (trying out bikes so he needed to be there) and we came to leave. Looking back I should have told him we are leaving etc but I honestly don't think it makes a difference as he wanted to play. I put him in the trolley and the screaming and not being able to step away (Because he would fall out of trolly) was awful. It's also the hitting and hair pulling (doesn't normally hair pull and I think it was an accident).

I can't act like that again, I can't feel those emotions again.

So what can I do?

He's aged out of home start (we did have a referral and they didn't accept as too busy). Health visitor team have sent a new one but with me working and him over 2, they won't accept the referral.

It would be easy for someone to say - you just have to control your emotions, I clearly can't. So don't be unhelpful.

This is a bit unkind and unnecessary!

And asking what did you think it would be - well since every child is different and every parent-child relationship is different based on ones own lived experience, it's pretty impossible to predict.

I think people are taking a lot about this choice because it's a really tricky thing to have done. As you've said, it's your choice and that's what you wanted to do - however, I think a lot of people are trying to say that's a situation they wouldn't choose to put themselves in because pretty much any 2 year old would be a nightmare in that situation. For example, I like taking my 2 year old to 1.5 hour soft play sessions where everyone leaves at the same time - then I don't have to drag her away mid fun, she can see everyone leaving at the same time and is easier to deal with. I hope you're ok - I also find the screaming horrendous.

you seem to be very abrupt and answers quite frankly rude to people just asking a question.maybe that’s just how you are and that’s why you are so uptight with your own child!

Okay, breathe. I think we’ve all been there. 2 year olds are designed to get to you, that’s how they make sure they survive.

Can I give a gentle and then a more direct suggestion? 1) loop earplugs or similar. Bring the volume down a bit so you can feel calm. I found offering snacks to be a really good distraction at that age too, as toddlers don’t handle transitions very well (from place to place, from activity to rest, especially if they’re having fun) because to them, it makes zero sense to leave. Instead of fighting it, offering a snack can offer an equally interesting activity, which can be done while moving out of the shop. I still use the “DD, I’ve lost my car, can you help me find it?!” Trick to this day with dd and she’s 4.

We’re not meant to parent alone, feeling overwhelmed is completely understandable.

2. might you perhaps consider a SSRI? It might take the edge off of what sounds like quite distressing anxiety. There’s no shame in it. I take them, have done since I became a parent and honestly, I wouldn’t be the parent I am today without them.

Do you have any friends with similar age kids to vent to? It’s good to feel you’re not alone.

Good luck, it gets easier. 2 is a really tough ride for a lot of people, hang in there.

Yes, both of mine did. DS1 quicker than DS2. Neither was tantrumming at 4, but DS2 was a shocker for interrupting me while I was speaking to others for much longer (he thought it was funny) whereas DS1 would wait patiently.

I wondered the same.

Hi as mentioned before I'm on all the drugs.

I have some friends but I still parent by myself alot

It's he internet. I'm busy. I'm not rude enough to ignore someone.

I really feel for you, especially if you’re a single parent. I completely identify with finding screaming difficult to tolerate and I think most people do when it’s their own child. It might not help but I found things got a lot easier from age 3 onwards when they have some speech and a bit more understanding.

If he’s doing things like pulling your hair, definitely don’t bother with wordy explanations as they just don’t understand at this age. A firm “no!” and removing his hand as best you can is about all you can do in the moment. If you can make one room such as his bedroom completely safe to pop him into (realise this might not be possible), popping him in there for 5 minutes while you catch your breath might be an option if he’s kicking off. Or just holding him until he calms - that worked with mine.

I would say that the better regulated you are, the easier it will be to cope with a toddler (and this stage is Hard Work), especially when he is dysregulated - you can’t pour from an empty cup. I would definitely see if your employer offers any counselling. Also, many employers will allow you to take up to 2 hours for medical appointments, which would include counselling.

I work as a carer, so I can't take time away because someone has to cover my shift which results in me not getting paid and huge inconvenience to the service users and business.

So for these professionals to make appointments then it's really hard for me to see them within a week which they don't like. They always want home visits as well. It's really annoying.

When Im at home it's not as bad but when I'm out it is more difficult. I can't just walk away like a dual person household

I could have written this myself when DD was between 18months and 2years and still not really sleeping. I was not at all prepared for the sheer noise of very small children and not being able to walk away to collect myself felt like torture sometimes.
You've done the exact right thing in reaching out to services and trying to get referrals. I'd also suggest little clubs and weekend based groups to give you some time when little one can be entertained by other kids a bit (this recommendation gets more useful once they are a tiny bit older (2.5 or 3, but it's still nice to start)
Loop earplugs were a lifesaver - there are a few types and often on offer via Amazon.

I promise this stage will pass. The older he gets the easier it will be to reason with him and avoid the noisy meltdowns. You're doing the absolute best you can and you will look back and feel proud of yourself for making it through. ❤️

Why did you post? You’re just being arsey with anyone who responds. I’m assuming the other person asked if you were neurodiverse because you seem highly over sensitive to the sound of your child crying and are becoming overwhelmed to the point of not being able to manage your own emotions when things don’t go to plan.

To be honest it's a tough situation, I'm an autistic parent of an autistic child and the constant noise is the worst part, and the constant issues with transitions and just arguments about everything.
I've done all the parenting courses and watched everything on YouTube etc and really I've found a great formula for keeping life on track but it literally sucks all the fun out of it, all the advance warnings, building in huge amount of extra time, lists, etc etc. It's the only real way to keep life on track. And I'm constantly telling them to pipe down, they only have one volume which is shouting.
I can tell you it might get easier at about 5 years old.
But I think the main and most difficult change for me was lowering my expectations, I thought we could do fun things every weekend, after school, etc, but it's just impossible, he needs to come straight home and wind down after school, same on the weekends to a large degree, and then holidays are a mess due to lack of routine. And that's just for him, let alone myself, as having kids has exposed all my issues with exactly the same things.
I think all I can say is hang in there and maybe in 4 years time you'll be in my situation trying to tell someone else it will get better!

You're being very rude to people who are trying to help you.

Yes, I think it helps to try and "so what" their big feelings. As it their tantrums are not more of a practicality than feeding or bathing them.

And I find countdowns massively help manage expectations on both sides for transitions.

You’ve reached a tough stage of parenting - all the emotions and zero ability to reason. You can’t just sit at home and hide from the world so well done for asking for advice. Here are some things that helped my DS at that stage:

• always give a warning that you’re leaving soon. 5 mins/last slide etc. then 1 min warning. Then just go. Avoid giving in and staying any longer as you’ll pay for it the next time.
• If they’re potentially going into tantrum territory, distraction is key before they start getting upset. Sometimes I whisper something, sometimes I just say it normally or maybe I’ll do a shocked face. Then I’ll make up that I saw something (a bird) or heard something (“what was that. Did you hear it?”). Basically, you can’t reason them away from the situation so you need to redirect them. It can all feel a bit silly but acting like you just heard a cow or saw a penguin could poss get you out the shop/situation with no hassle.
• Sometimes the tantrum is unavoidable. In those cases, all I say is “leaving is hard but we have to go now”. I scoop them up and march out. Hitting/biting/hair pulling isn’t great but they’re in no place to hear that when they’re mid tantrum. All I do is hold their hands and say “I can see you’re sad but I won’t let you hit me.”

As for your feelings, I totally know what you mean. My body doesn’t seem to understand the difference between my kids crying and a bear chasing me. I know plenty of mums who feel the same. It’s unpleasant and obviously we’d all like to avoid it! I can say it gets easier but I know that doesn’t help you now. So for now, I know this might sound odd but I would use my headphones to help me feel more relaxed. If I knew we were heading for a tantrum, I’d pop them on and put on some music. Obviously it doesn’t drown it all out but it helped me focus on something than the crying until we were home/in the car. toddlers need to feel all the big feelings and one day they’ll learn to regulate them. But for now, you need to find ways to distract either them at tricky times or yourself when it gets tough. I found having go to phrases and being consistent helped us both get through some tougher moments as I wasn’t questioning myself and my DS knew what to expect.

Hope at least some of this helps!

I’m sorry you’re struggling OP. I agree with a PP in that often the way we feel about tantrums stems from how they were dealt with, or how big emotions were dealt with, when we were little. To get through it and teach them healthy habits emotionally you do have to be the calm in the storm yourself, you have to sit in those big emotions to show them that actually they are safe, they do pass, and you are there for them through it without yourself getting agitated/wound up/upset/annoyed.

It’s not an easy thing to do if you yourself are also overwhelmed by those emotions, you’re trying to teach something you haven’t learned yourself.

There are some great books on this if that’s something you have time for, a PP suggested a great one, but counselling would be a really good head start.

Re-directing or avoiding trigger spots is a good idea wherever possible too. Once the tantrum hits they just can’t reason, totally to be expected, so if you can avoid it then it’s a good idea to try.

Sounds like you have too high expectations, just because you want to go to the bike shop it’s a good idea.

Hi OP, Just 3 tips that may help you with the awful toddler years

• if he pulls your hair, press his hand to your scalp. It eases the pain of the tug so.you can think straight.
• earplugs/Loop to reduce the impact on your nerves
• countdown 5 minutes or 3 more goes on the slide or whatever seems suitable. I feel for you because as a FT working Mum you're getting your DS out of Nursery when he's absolutely knackered and so are you. Then you may be trying to make the weekends into quality time but you're still both worn out. This age will pass though.

From your replies it's not just around your toddler that you need to regulate your emotions - you get very defensive immediately and most sensible comments are called "bizarre". It sounds like you're constantly being triggered.

Practically though, everything needs a countdown and then it's much easier for him to leave/put his shoes on/get out the bath. Can either be ten more pushes on the swing and then our turn is finished, or a timer on your phone that you show him. Works better than saying five mins which he won't understand. If he then kicks off pretend he's someone else's child. It's easier to be calm if you're less emotionally involved and pretending he's not yours and you're just looking after him for those few minutes can help. Also bear hug him from behind if he's flailing around so he can't grab you. You don't need to rush out of places - fine to contain the chaos and leave once you've got things under control a bit more.

Just to say, it's called the terrible 2s for a reason! You have a toddler who can't articulate exactly what they want, gets frustrated, has a tantrum because that's the only way they can show you they are unhappy etc. It doesn't last forever, saying no firmly and ignoring the tantrum is the best way forward. We have all been there.

Many people have tried to offer you advice on this thread and you seem to be so combative to them all.

people are asking if you’re ND to be able to advise you, not to be rude.
people are asking for wider information to help you, as you’ve asked for.

I can give you an example of one time my daughter didn’t want to leave the park to go get some ice cream. She screamed, shouted and went to run out of the park. I ran after her, picked her up under one arm as she continued to scream and kick. People walking towards me parted like the Red Sea as I hauled her to the car. I then had to battle to strap her into her car seat while she screamed, kicked and lashed out.
I am ND and could easily walk away in the opposite direction when my children scream like that, but I can’t because I am the parent and they are my child.
I have had to learn how to deal with my response to their behaviour when they’re too little to manage their behaviour.

Is it easy? No
Am I perfect and get it right every time? No
But do I keep working on it for the sake of my kids? Yes.

I learn about triggering behaviours and managing my responses. I try to teach my kids appropriate responses to things like leaving a toy shop or a park.

I don’t rely on anyone else to do it for me, even if DH is there, if I am dealing with the behaviour, I am the one who deals with it, not DH.

Honestly, it's just really hard. I have an almost 2 year old and the tantrums are starting and well, they're just hard. The screaming and crying goes right through me, it's horrible. Mine bites me when frustrated and nothing works to deter him. It's just shit and you have to just....get through it. My heart rate goes up, I sort of boil with anger and frustration and anxiety sometimes. I put him down safely and breathe and focus on the good stuff.

2 year old is absolutely hard, terrible twos they called it back in my day. Routine the best you are able, distraction is a fab tool in your kit, toys, visual and noise toys, and of course calm talking when they are kicking off. Look for triggers, tiredness starting off grumpy meltdowns and try not to go out as busy bees in those times but you prob already know all that.

I do recommend is not to put unnecessary pressure on yourself. If you get baby to eat, sleep, play and yourself the ability to have dinner, showers and some sleep you are actually doing really bloomin well. Adverts and expectations shows us that motherhood should all be rainbows and fluffy but the reality is flipping hard work and a real struggle at times. The fact you're doing this alone while working is really something to be proud of too, you're doing incredibly well and need to cut yourself some slack. As time goes on, things will get easier in a lot of respects and the both of you will have a perfectly good rhythm going on together.

I hope you can get some more professional support too, anything you can afford to pay for to bypass these incredibly long waiting lists?

From your responses, it seems to me that you are reacting whenever anyone doesn't behave in the way you want or expect them to behave. For example, you've been rude to people trying to help you, just because you don't agree with them or understand why they are saying what they are saying.

Can I suggest that this might actually be the issue you have with your son? He's his own small person and toddlers are gonna... toddler. You can't expect to take him in a toy shop and then abruptly expect him to leave without countdowns, explanations, telling him what you are going to do next. Your expectations are unrealistic on this score - this is why people were asking if you really needed to take him.

I know I'll get a snippy response for writing that.

Honestly, my practical advice (as a mum of four kids), is to give clear expectations e.g. we are leaving in five minutes, two minutes, one minute... because we have to go and play on the swings / I need you to help me find some milk in the next shop / whatever it is. Try and see it from his point of view. He's being taken away from something really fun for him and he doesn't understand why. Distraction often works at this age... 'come and see the lovely spotty dog walking outside'. Bribery - 'time to sit in your buggy for a snack'. My mum calls that 'not bribery... INCENTIVE'.

Sometimes, it all fails, and you just have to take deep breaths and not take it personally. We all have good days and bad days with our toddlers. It can be extremely tough, and you are doing it alone. It doesn't matter if anyone else is looking at your kid scream, or whatever. This too shall pass.